I've been sick on and off for three weeks. First it was the tummy flu on Christmas Eve, then I caught whatever cold/sinus infection my kids had. Funny, the laundry kept piling up and the kids kept asking for food. I really need a "pause" button for my life.
When I finally dragged myself into the doctor, she examined me and then said: "Well, it looks viral."
Which means it's not an infection yet. So come back in two days. Problem is, I don't have a sitter in two days. Also, I have 5 children.
And then, taking a closer look at my chart she said: "Is there any chance you might be pregnant?"
Well, there's always a chance.
Instead I said something super intelligent like, "Well…uh…I don't think so?"
She eyed me. I eyed her.
"Did I mention I have a hiatal hernia?" I chirped.
I think changing the subject is a great way to avoid uncomfortable conversations. But the truth is, for a long time I didn't know how to answer the question I get asked most often: "Are you having more?"
So, I've thought long and hard about the answer. I've come up with a genius, earth-shattering answer:
I DON'T KNOW.
And here's the clincher: it's true. I really don't know.
I mean, after #1 was born I thought I was done. Really. I was fine with only have one, precious, sweet child. After #2 was born I thought FOR SURE I was done. After #3 I made Matt promise me that WE WERE DONE. And he agreed. Then we had twins.
All I'm saying is: I wasn't the girl who wanted a big family. My mom can testify to the fact that I used to go around proclaiming: "I'm never having kids!" Well. Never say never. And also, never underestimate how God is going to work in someone's life.
I'm living proof that God works miracles. He's the One who changed my mind. He's the One who had me falling in love with these little souls and my vocation as a mother. He's the One who completely changed my mind about using artificial contraceptives. Best of all, He did it gently and reasonably.
This means that my mind and heart changed because He did it; not because someone quoted a bunch of verses to me about having a full quiver or scared me out of having babies by lecturing me about social responsibility, population control or questions about how we were going to afford it. Basically, I didn't let anyone guilt me into or out of having babies.
It took me having 5 children before I finally realized that I don't know as much as I thought I did. That God's plans are far better than my own.
There's no fear in this. At least, not like there used to be. I used to be freaked out about having babies. I still walk into the hospital and demand an epidural right now, thank you very much. But God has filled my life with so much love that it's pushed the fear into the far corners of my mind.
All this to say: my heart is open to more. If that's what God wants for me, that's what I want, too. If this is it, I'm totally content.
Because ultimately, God is in it. He's in this life with me. And really, I can't think of anything more holy or beautiful than partnering with God in the creation of new life.
So yeah, I've been sick for three weeks. And the laundry is stinkin' crrrr–aazy! But still, it's totally worth it.
Am I having more?
Y'know what? I don't know! And I'm OK with that.