A second major obstacle for me was my own mind. Even if I could carve out some quiet space in my day for prayer I could waste that whole time by thinking about my grocery list, a doctor's appointment, a conversation I had.
I would get all frustrated and be like: God, I'm trying to PRAY, here! Could ya help me out?
One thing I learned was to let go of my expectations. My expectations of what constituted a "profitable" prayer time completely paralyzed me. Prayer, I realized, could be a desert. This desert was littered with distractions like: songs stuck in my head, a phone conversation from last week, billboard images, jingles.
I had this idea that prayer would lift me up to a higher level of spirituality. Instead, it crushed me down and laid me in the dirt. I had to accept that I was not holy or spiritual. I was just a mortal, human being afflicted with the same flaws as everyone else.
I found that the beginning of prayer was to first accept Who God is and then to accept who I am. This is going to sound hilariously obvious but I first had to accept: 1. I am not God and I will never be God and 2. In fact, I am a sinful human being.
Actually, this was liberating. Before I could discover God I needed to be delivered from delusions of my own God-likeness. What a relief to be nothing else than what God created me to be: His child.
Once I let go of expectations and accepted who I was, I made peace with my distractions.
Thomas Merton again: "That is why it is useless to get upset when you cannot shake off distractions. In the first place, you must realize that they are often unavoidable in the life of prayer. The necessity of kneeling and suffering submission under a tidal wave of wild and inane images is one of the standard trials of the contemplative life. You would profit much more by patiently resisting distractions and learning something of your own helplessness and incapacity."
When I started this Lenten journey into prayer, the first "ah-ha" moment I had was in realizing how hard it was for me to surrender to the Lordship of Christ.
My need for God conflicted with my desire to remain in control of my life. This is why, for me, the physical act of kneeling is so important. One part of surrender was saying: Yes, all to Jesus I surrender. The other part was actually kneeling. Strangely enough, kneeling helped bring my heart into alignment, too.
In this way I am learning to bring a wholeness to my prayer practice. Physically, verbally, mentally and emotionally I am learning to bring all of me to surrender.
Distractions and all.
Tomorrow's post: Confessing my sins through prayer.
