Apologizing For My “Accidental” Pregnancies.

Posted on May 5, 2009 by elizabeth

"Did you plan to have another one so soon?" the woman asked me.

"Oh, no," I said, laughing. "Jude was a big surprise. He was our 'oops' baby!"

And we both laughed.

Later that evening, Matt told me that what I had said bothered him.

"Jude wasn't an accident," he said.

"I know that," I said.

"Well, when you say that Jude was a 'surprise' or an 'oops baby', that's what you're implying."

He had a point. The truth was, I had been embarrassed. I felt like I had to apologize for my fertile womb because people–even complete strangers!–often made ignorant, unkind comments.

I'd been asked how long I was going to "breed like a rabbit," if I was from Utah, if I was going to throw away my life in order to be "just" a mom and why I would "waste" my college education.

When I was in my early twenties, I was a sensitive, fearful, first-time mom. And I took those silly, ignorant comments personally. I felt attacked.

Crazily enough, people rarely treated my husband with the same disrespect. In fact, whenever he was out in public with our children, strangers would coo over the babies and praise him for being a good, involved father.

The automatic assumption was that because he was carrying a child he was a good father. Which he was, of course. It's just that when I was out in public with more than two children, I got asked if I knew how to use birth control.

But that stuff doesn't bother me anymore. Maybe it's because I've grown up a little and don't crave the affirmation of other people as much?

Besides, if I had waited until I was "financially secure" and had achieved all my personal and professional goals, I wouldn't have these FIVE beautiful, amazing people in my life! Now THAT would be tragic.

I don't have any "oops babies." They're all precious, they're all wanted.

I don't apologize anymore.

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  • http://www.tinksmom.com eliz

    This is a beautiful piece. You shouldn’t apologize for growing your family as you see fit.

    The title of this post instantly put me in mind of a fertile vs. infertile argument, so I was surprised a bit by what you wrote. I think what you found yourself apologizing for wasn’t so much your fertility (because everyone assumes they are fertile when they’re young, and most women are), but that you CHOSE to exercise your fertility. (Don’t you love to foist that word on the secular world like that?!) Insensitive strangers didn’t have a problem with your fertility but that you chose to have more than one or two children.

    I so resent the attitude that a “responsible” woman harnesses or deadens her fertility and that a large family is somehow irresponsible.

  • http://www.elizabethesther.com Elizabeth Esther

    great point. upon re-reading the title, i realize it could sound insensitive to the many women who struggle with infertility. i would NEVER want to pour salt on a wound like that. i have changed the title to better reflect the gist of my post. see? I need an editor!! LOL!

  • http://terrysoapbox.blogspot.com terry@breathing grace

    I get the distinct impression lately that we’re leading up to an announcement.

    If so, I’m thrilled for you. If not, forgive my presumption.

    And as for the post, I agree wholeheartedly. Why anyone thinks its their place to opine on your family size baffles me. They do it to us, too.

  • http://www.elizabethesther.com Elizabeth Esther

    lol, Terry. I guess I should have qualified these pregnancy related posts–I’m writing them in the run-up to Mother’s Day…NOT because I have a big announcement! :) So, no, #6 is not in the oven–at least, as of today. :)

  • Stacey

    I’ve noticed since being pregnant with number three that many people (strangers) are shocked when they find out I already have a son and a daughter. I get a lot of, “oh, but you already have one of each!” Yes, so what!?!?! It’s like once you pass having two children, you enter a territory of being labeled a “baby factory” or people assume you are Mormon (not that there’s anything wrong w/ that). Can’t wait to see the reactions if we decide to go for number four!!! LOL.

  • http://p8family.blogspot.com Dee Peight

    I am pregnant with my fourth child, and have told my husband that this is the one that seems to put us squarely into the “large family” category. Ha. I get lots of comments about having my hands full, even when my children are behaving more like angels than usual. It seems to be a foreign idea that one would actually choose and enjoy a life of sacrifice and child bearing as a career! I can’t remember if I have commented before, or not, but I have read your blog since the twins were born. I can certainly relate to your posts!

  • http://flourishingmother.blogspot.com Andrea

    I am pregnant with number five. This baby was not “planned” (by us)–and he is definitely a surprise baby. (I say these things for mere factual reasons right now.) However, I have found myself feeling like I had to “apologize” in some way for being pregnant with a fifth child. I’m not sure why. =) I love that your husband lovingly admonished your statement.
    My husband actually got a snide comment when he told a co-worker we were expecting number five. Not “congratulations” or even just “wow!” but “weren’t you using protection?” People just don’t know what to say, sadly enough.

  • http://heathershodgepodge.blogspot.om Heather

    I like this post. I have received a lot of similar comments from my family, and I only have one child.

  • Maria

    Enjoy them! A house full of little fingerprints on the walls makes a beautifully decorated home. You’ve been blessed!
    Maria

  • http://julesoneagleswings.blogspot.com/ Jules

    I think any woman with more than 2 children gets these comments, from friends and from total strangers. It never ceased to amaze (and sadden) me that even Christians seemed to buy into this anti-more-than-two-babies attitude. Not one of our five wonderful sons were ‘planned’ in the world’s sense, but they were certainly planned in God’s eyes. Like you, I learnt not to apologise but instead to hold my head high and be proud of my children.

  • http://www.potsandpins.com nan

    While you shouldn’t apologize for saying “oops” you should apologize for saying “Utah” – like wanting and having children in a state where family is the first priority is a bad thing…

  • http://www.elizabethesther.com Elizabeth Esther

    Nan: I absolutely agree with you. Someone actually snidely asked if I was from Utah and I considered that an ignorant, religiously intolerant remark. I hope that was clear from my post? If not, accept my apology. I have nothing but respect for those who choose to prioritize family whether they be LDS, Catholic, or evangelical. Thank you for speaking up.

  • http://www.minthegap.com MInTheGap

    It’s funny how even having 3 kids like we do gets us comments about having a lot of kids– or the big table at restaurants.

    Way to go– standing up for your kids!

  • http://www.cavyshops.com jocelyn

    I just wandered in here- I think that there is a lot of judgement on women. I have no children, and I’m in my 30′s. It’s not that I don’t want children, it’s that I haven’t met the right guy yet. People judge me for being single, people judge me for not having children.

    In today’s society, you’re going to be judged one way or the other.

  • Julie

    I’m pregnant with our 6th child and my husband and I constantly get the “Don’t you know what causes that?” or “Are all these kids yours?” comments. So we’ve come up with our own comebacks.
    I was just commenting to my husband the other night about how older people tell me how they wish they’d had more kids but I’ve never heard anyone say they wish they didn’t have as many kids as they did. I could go on and on but I won’t.
    By the way, I just found your site and I’ve been enjoying it.

    Julie

  • http://www.soozywoozy.blogspot.com Suz

    Thanks for this post. My mum has five kids too, and in India that is definitely a BAD thing. Sometimes when people talk to us about it, I ask them ‘Which of my siblings should not have existed?’If you are raising five beautiful human beings who love God and their neighbour, wow! you’re doing good!

  • http://circlethesquaretable.blogspot.com Jessica

    I was given this particular link from a friend of mine who is a regular read of yours. Probably because we’ve been discussing this very topic since I’ve become pregnant for the third (well, technically fourth…but third sustaining) time.

    I think the differences men and women receive has always been there, and it’s a testament to how incredibly naive our culture is. Women were considered “in delicate condition” while men were out smoking cigars and getting pats on the back. Now, they’re “such wonderful, involved fathers” and we’re nitwits who don’t know how to stop flaunting our “wealthy fertility”.

    Screw ‘em.

    In fact, I’ve got a list of things I can’t WAIT to use this time around. :) I’m hoping they come out like they sound in my head….answers to questions like “don’t you know how that happens?” and “was it planned?” and “when are you gonna stop?” Of course, with a stepson and 2 boys of my own, everyone thinks this MUST BE a girl. Ugh.

    People are getting bold, but guess what? So are the “delicate” pregos! Be warned. Great post.