Chief Executive Butt Wiper.

Posted on July 26, 2009 by elizabeth

Motherhood can be boiled down to one job description: waste
management. Which means my official job title is: Booty Wiper In Chief.
Chief Executive Butt Wiper. El Jefe de Asno.

Don't let anybody tell you otherwise. I know because I've got five children. I wipe a lot of ass.

It's not even a job I can delegate to my older kids.

"Sweetie, can you change the baby's diaper?"

"Um..only if it's not poopy."

Yes, butt wiping–and specifically, poopy butt wiping–is a mother's special lot in life.

Or as my husband put it, "The only ass you haven't wiped around here is mine."

"True," I laughed.

"And that's only a matter of time."

We
should have put that in our wedding vows. To love, honor and wipe ass.
Think about it: the greatest demonstration of love is a willingness to
wipe your loved one's ass. And not just willingly, but promptly, too.

Herein lies the litmus test of a Good Mother: how long does she make her kids sit on the toilet before she wipes their butt?

Oh, please. Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about.

"Mommy, can you wipe me?" your child yells from the bathroom.

"Sure, honey. Just let me finish checking my email first!"

It's
not like we're the first generation to postpone ass wiping. Our
great-grandmothers did the same. Grandma would be sitting in the
outhouse and yell,

"Mommy, can you wipe me?"

Our great-grandmothers would holler back, "Sure, honey. Just as soon as I finish plucking this chicken!"

I think the true measure of a good person is not how well they obey The Golden Rule, but how well they obey The Brown Rule: Wipe unto others as you would have them wipe unto you.

Which is just a long way of saying, poop happens. If you really love someone, you'll help them clean it up. And quickly.

This isn't solely altruistic. It's the circle of life. One day poop is going to happen to you and you'll need someone to help you clean up yours.

That's why I don't resent my Ass Wiper In Chief job title. Yeah, I may not get paid in dollars.

But I do know that an ass wiped is an ass wipe earned.

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  • http://debsueknit.blogspot.com DebbieQ

    You are the Head Hiney Honcho

  • Rachel

    Hey…long lost Rachel here…I enjoyed that Starbucks gift card by the way! Thank you! I have stillbeen reading your blog….but I have to tell you how hard I laughed at this one! Wow!!

  • http://www.mommymattersblog.com Karin Katherine

    Oh my goodness—how true it is!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/12482022109043641495 sofia

    your posts are hilarious! i mean, my life now could not be farther away from your’s but i still enjoy reading your writing. you’re very talented. AND you have adorable children.

  • http://www.sixblessings.blogspot.com Carmen

    Ha!!! : ) Last summer we had some sort of diarrhea, vomiting, bacterial infection thing going around our house. It was horrible! So…when your 8 year old daughter hollers from the bathroom…I’ll leave it at that! I totally get ya!

  • Liesl

    Too funny and true!

  • http://andi-horton.livejournal.com Andrea

    HAH. I laugh, because it’s true :P

    My grandmother still tells the story (occasionally in appallingly mixed company) of the day when Very Little Me called out to my mother and asked her if she would perform this time-honoured service, and Mum, rather than leaping to joyfully comply as she had done in the past, calmly replied “no, I don’t do that anymore.”

    And I have been on my own ever since.

  • http://www.sadiemotta.typepad.com JoAnn

    sitting bull over here. trying to get matt off of it- so I avoid with a ‘capital a’…hoping he’ll take care of his own business. oh….the days are almost here…..

  • http://www.10minutewriter.com Katharine

    I am delighted to see that no one publicly denounced your gratuitous use of the word Ass. : ) Love it! Well Done!

  • http://www.elizabethesther.com Elizabeth Esther

    I too am relieved that my use of the word Ass has been taken in stride. I think it’s because we all know that even if we use pretty, happy words–the reality is, it’s still a stinky job!

    An ass by any other name….LOL!

  • Cheryl

    Okay, since that’s been brought up, I have to tell you, I cringed when I read the word “ass” over and over, and here’s why. My kids are teenagers, and teenagers call you EVERY TIME when you do something you don’t allow them to do (“don’t talk on the cell phone when you’re driving!”……”don’t say something about someone you’re not willing to say TO them!”, etc., etc.). If you allow your kids to use the word ASS, I don’t have a problem (it’s not taking God’s name in vain, after all, just offensive to me personally for some reason). If, on the other hand, you don’t let them use language that you do, you’re in for rough waters in the years ahead. Teenagers are hypocrisy detection experts. Just that word of warning. I’d love to hear your response. Can your kids say the word “ass”? I love your writing, by the way. You have a great family.

  • Melanie

    I almost peed myself reading this one! I am so with you on the delay tactics. I laugh at myself though, cuz I am eventually going to have to do it!!! Sometimes when Steve is home and one of the kids is yelling for us, we both wait (it’s not discussed, it is just a silent game) to see which one will cave first and go wipe! I call it a sweet victory when he gets up first!! :-)

  • Michelle Hart

    oh LOL, thanks for making me laugh…i certainly need it today!!

  • http://www.elizabethesther.com Elizabeth Esther

    Hi Cheryl: I don’t take the Lord’s name in vain, but I do use expletives. I think context and intent are more important than the actual word. I think you and I both know the difference between me using the word “ass” in this post vs. calling someone an “ass,” for example. My children are free to use any word they choose so long as they can prove contextual validity. I value specificity of language and sometimes expletives are the only words that accurately describe the situation.

    Thanks for the question!
    EE

  • Michelle

    Personally, I allow the use of “ass” in my house as long as the accent is changed. For example, “arse”. Also, I was an LNA in a nursing home while my children were both under the age of 2. I truly thought my divine purpose in life was to wipe arse, so I could appreciate this post.

  • Rachael

    Michelle, cultural differences play a part here. I am Australian and the word “ass” sounds cute and fun to me. Saying “arse” puts it into a WHOLE different ball game (to coin an American phrase!)

    I too think strong words are sometimes necessary in certain situations.

    Would you believe my son is calling me right at this moment to, you know what!! “Just a minute sweetie Mummy is busy writing about coming quickly to help you when….oh never mind”. Thankfully my husband is home.

    Rachael

  • http://www.amzggrc.blogspot.com Grace

    think about how we nurses feel. we have to wipe strangers’ butts. what would you rather do? :D

  • Jenn grant

    Lol!!!!!! :0

  • Sarah O.

    bahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Thanks for the good belly laugh today Elizabeth. So true-and so hysterically funny :)

  • destry

    Great post E! Thankfully all of my kids are wiping their own booties thee days!

  • http://www.morningstarr.typepad.com Dina

    I kid you not, I have a draft post right now about this very thing! The revelations that come to me while I bend over lifted cheeks…! I’ll have to get on that one now that I know I am not alone!!

    ps Welcome back to facebook! ;o)

  • http://www.sarahmarkley.com Sarah Markley

    i don’t know what to say.

    but i wholeheartedly condone your use of the word “ass” in the right context – this is your blog. you can say whatever you want, friend.

    well done. =)

  • http://mandiesmumblings.blogspot.com mandie

    OMG. This is TOO funny! I’m not a mom yet, but I did used to be a nurse aide at a nursing home, so hopefully I’ve already got a lot of ‘credit’ built up! :)

  • Pacific northwest poop patroll

    I have two kids with cronich constipation. This means a special diet and drumroll please poop patroll untill about age eight. yes eight. soooo I am very blessed to be this close to my children for such a period of time. I must give a silver lining….. its much easier than when they learn to do it themselfs and use a whole roll of paper clog and overflow the toilet while covering the seat with poo and still needing to be wiped. see there is always a bright side :)

  • amy

    i’m still laughing after reading this….gotta love it! My favorite scenario is when I’m in bed very early in the morning, only to hear one of the boys exclaim, MAMA, I’m done! I pretend I’m dreaming for a bit, and then resort to telling him I’m on my way from under my pillows as I slowly progress towards the bathroom to do the job as only I can..! It is a tough life. Can’t wait till I’m married, although I doubt my future husband will be quite as willing to wipe the bums, at least during the first year of marriage!