I had an amazing conversation with another woman who is recovering from our shared fundamentalist background. One of the similarities we discussed was how we repressed our gut instincts.
After learning to repress our gut instincts for years and years, we still experience the fall-out from that in our current lives.
For example, we repress our gut instinct even if we are in physical danger. My friend related a story to me where she answered the door to a persistently knocking stranger. The guy was a quick-talker and supposedly in urgent need of help. He needed $100 that instant.
Now maybe most people would be able to see right through that. But for those of us who are recovering from abusive, legalistic churches–we have to unlearn the tendency to doubt ourselves. We know something is fishy, we know something isn't right…but we believe it might be wrong to refuse.
My friend eventually shut the door and locked it. Then she called the police. I was so proud of her and told her so.
In abusive churches, repressing your gut instinct is standard operating procedure. However, it is usually couched in Biblical language. Members are told never to trust their hearts because "the heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked." (Jeremiah 17:9)
I can't tell you how many times I had that verse quoted to me during my childhood and early adult years. Even after I asked Jesus into my heart (for the 3,245th time), I truly believed my heart was desperately wicked.
The message was: don't trust yourself. But DO trust us. Loyalty to the collective, ie. never "speaking against God's work or servants," was valued above all else. Those who rose in the ranks were those who demonstrated unequivocal, zealous submission.
Indeed, one leader in our church once told me that I was never to ask questions unless I had first received permission to ask questions from my parents or husband. Because they were God for me.
As a result, I learned to routinely and repeatedly crush independent thought because following the rules was so much easier. And safer.
In fact, repressing one's gut instinct becomes a matter of survival in these groups. When you see something that you feel is terribly wrong, you learn to squelch that because you know if you speak up or start asking questions–you will be punished. And the perpetrator will go unquestioned.
This is how women and children are victimized in cult-like churches: they become so accustomed to surrendering their will and repressing their gut instinct that they will endure outright abuse because they believe it is God's will. Their belief in God's sovereignty extends to the point where they believe it would be sin for them to speak up/question God's will for them.
The thought process is: if God is in control, then He picked this situation for me. Therefore, I shouldn't ask why but should accept it as from His hand.
It takes time to learn to trust yourself. And it takes practice. The most effective way I know how to do this is by direct communication. I'm learning to be willing to offend the sensibilities of others if it means I can breakthrough to direct, honest communication.
It means that sometimes I will go too far. I'm willing to own that because I'd rather go too far than say nothing at all.
If I truly offend, I make haste to make it right. I rely on a small circle of intimate friends. I listen to their advice and I trust them to tell me when I've gone too far. I trust their perspective and/or life experience.
Most of all, I've learned to listen to my gut instinct. Slowly (verrrrry slowly) I'm learning to trust my own feelings (a BIG no-no in legalistic groups). I now know that if something feels wrong, it probably is.
God gave me the ability to feel. I don't have to be governed by my feelings–but I will never again ignore them.
