Things I Don’t Understand About TV.

Posted on September 17, 2009 by elizabeth

1. Why Miracle Whip commercials try to make mayonnaise look all edgy and rock n' roll. And why they "won't tone it down." Um. Huh?

2. Why "Breaking News" on 24 hr. news shows is preceded by loud, frightening musical intros. Nowhere else can respectable people cry wolf over and over.

3. Why Sean Hannity hasn't blown a blood vessel in his neck yet.

4. Why people even watch Sean Hannity.

5. Why someone who is senile still has a job co-anchoring a morning show. Regis, time to retire.

6. How people can live without DVR or TiVo.

7. Drug commercials. Ask your doctor about Chantix. But if you go blind, have a massive seizure, experience kidney failure or die–you should stop taking Chantix.

8. Why I wasted so much time watching Jon & Kate Plus 8.

9. Why the writers of Lost intentionally try to mess with my brain.

10. An androgynous, purple dinosaur named Barney. Who sings and occasionally wears a pink tu-tu.

11. And why my twins looove him/her.

12. Why people find my blog by searching for "hot Duggar girls." I don't think Jim Bob would approve.

13. Speaking of the Duggars, congratulations to Michelle on #19.

14. Why I can't stop watching Oprah. And why can she make me cry?

15. How I wish they had a Project Runway for writers. And how much meaner it would be.

16. Why I get a very freaky, creepy, goose-bumpy feeling every time I watch Big Love.

17. How glad I am that I grew up without a TV. And how I wish I could get rid of it today.

18. Why Michael Vick hasn't been exiled to a remote island. Full of flesh-eating mosquitos.

19. Why USC football makes me deliriously happy.

20. How much I'd love to host my own TV show. And how I'd invite bloggers to be my guests.

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  • http://www.10minutewriter.com Katharine

    This is my best idea of the day: HOW EE CAN BECOME THE NEXT REGIS.

    1) Start your daytime talk show in which you ordinary mothers with stains on their shirts (pick me, pick me!)

    2) At night, host a prime time reality “The Greatest Writer Of All Time” elimination show in which the use of any cliche or bad grammar requires the loss of a finger.

    3) Then write, direct and star in the Lifetime Movie of the Week “The Purple Triangle: A Mom’s Revenge” this drama explains the emotional damage inflicted on toddlers who realize their moms do not love Barney as much as they do. They make bad choices. Police are involved. It isn’t pretty.

    If you need an agent. Call me.

  • Yvonne

    I didn’t know you liked SC. Sometimes we look for people to buy our season tickets if we can’t go to the game. Interested?

  • http://www.jenngrant.blogspot.com jenn grant

    reigs!!! def needs to retire! i always thought you should stop while you were ahead but maybe he knows something i dont! :)

    um oprah…….yeah how does she do that?!

    i’m with you…..i like the tv but i love when its off too! :)

  • http://andi-horton.livejournal.com Andrea

    Number 18 is so full of “amen” I’d be surprised to learn you couldn’t hear me shouting it from all the way up here.

  • http://www.sixblessings.blogspot.com Carmen

    Well I’d be flattered to be a guest on your TV show!
    All the other points mean nothing to me…I’ve lived a sheltered t.v. life since July. Join me…I’ve been so much more productive! (Like being able to comment on lovely blogs such as yours!)

  • http://ohbecareful.com Jamie

    Well, I guess you’ll have to wonder why anyone would watch Hannity, and I’ll have to wonder why anyone would watch Oprah. Sort of a TV personality version of “agreeing to disagree.” ;)

    I’m with you on Barney, though. If there is any show that makes the world seem dark and devoid of hope, it’s that one.

  • http://www.goodforsomething-stilltrying.blogspot.com Frances, New Yorker in the OC

    Great list!

  • http://www.usborneconnection.com Tressa

    TV sucks the marrow from your bones. But, that’s not to say that I don’t enjoy a good show now and again. Okay, I admit it, I’m running low on marrow.