Religious language, meaningless cliches and spiritual deafness

Posted on October 27, 2009 by elizabeth

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the 101 South (left) & the 101 North (right) @ Refugio State Beach

I couldn't read my Bible for at least two years. Every time I opened it, I heard the exact intonation of my grandfather. Remembered his interpretation. Shivered in fear.

A well-meaning friend called me one day and asked about my walk with the Lord. When I confessed to having trouble reading my Bible, she told me I was out of God's will and in danger of falling away.

I didn't speak to her for over a year. I couldn't. She didn't understand and I didn't know how to explain.

I was still fumbling my way back to God and her threatening language devastated me.

Trust the Lord. KNOW what you believe. Cling to the Cross. The platitudes were empty, meaningless.

Perhaps the greatest difficulty I experienced in rebuilding my faith was in rebuilding language. Unfortunately, my experience had deafened my ability to hear meaning in religious language. 

Our God is a consuming fire sounded like a clanging cymbal in my ear.

It wasn't that I thought these words were untrue. It's just that I couldn't understand them anymore. The question I asked was: what does that even mean?

I was often amazed at how many Christians resorted to cliches instead of expressing authentic compassion or critical thought.

When they were faced with a grief-stricken experience like mine, they didn't know what to do with me. My pain was a threat to their comfort. So they just started spitting out cliches.

Give thanks in all things! Rejoice in the Lord!

Frankly, those words were like salt in the wound.

But then I discovered that lots of human beings do this. When we see suffering, we are at a loss for words. Nothing we say seems adequate to the suffering.

We shy away because we don't know how to enter their pain.

Here's what helped me: say nothing.

I didn't need my theology corrected (still don't) or my faith questioned. I didn't need to be fixed.

I just needed someone to listen. To sit with me in my pain. To journey together. To love me.

That has made all the difference.

Because love led me back to God.

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  • http://thejcrew-kj.blogspot.com/ Kathy

    “My pain was a threat to their comfort.”

    Once again, your post resonates with me and speaks volumes. Though I still catch myself throwing out cliques when silence is most appropriate. Almost as if I let myself be transparent, and then I see the discomfort in someone’s face, so I retreat.

    Still working my way through.

    So thankful for your posts. You articulate for many what they cannot.

  • http://billycoffey.com Billy Coffey

    There are times, many times, when I’m convinced that Job’s friends weren’t really his friends at all. That if they were they would’ve sat with him in his pain rather than give him advice. Because you’re right, when you’re hurting the last thing you need is advice.

    That was a great post, Elizabeth.

  • http://terrysoapbox.blogspot.com terry @ breathing grace

    You know, because I have never been affected by fundamentalism, I am learning a lot by reading your blog and Molly’s. I am so sorry for what you guys and many others have apparently suffered through.

    In my life and circle, it’s been the exact opposite. In fact, people are judged for being too conservative, even when they have never demanded that anyone else follow their path. I encountered it the other day and in my case, I felt I had to speak up when a mutual Christian friend was being condemned (i.e. gossiped about) because she and her husband have chosen a road less traveled these days.

    It was never my intention to correct my friend’s theology, but she was being judgmental, meddling in another couple’s affairs, and I called her on it. I’d do it again, too. Some “theology” needs to be corrected. In love of course :)

  • http://chocolateaftersupper.blogspot.com/ Cindy Kay (aka mom.huebert)

    Interesting. I remember going through a stage where I couldn’t read my bible for over a year. And then I determined to read only the words in it that God actually said Himself (I read a lot of Isaiah…), because I was tired of hearing what everyone else said God said!

    And then I quit using my Scofield Bible (gasp!) because I felt I was too easily distracted by the notes and ended up reading them instead of the actual text. That made a difference in my reading, because I was no longer reading it through Scofield’s lens (which was also my preacher grandpa’s lens.)

    [I grew up in a church founded and run by my grandfather also, but it didn't go so far into cult territory as it sounds like yours did. Our church was merely awash in fundamental evangelicalism. Or evangelical fundamentalism.... something like that.]

  • http://www.kampkk.blogspot.com Kimberly

    The most comforting thing so many times is just to sit and be with the hurting person. That’s what helps me most anyway.

  • http://becomingthekindofwomaniwantmydaughtertobe.wordpress.com Alisa

    Thank you so much for this reminder. A dear friend of mine recently lost a parent, and I continually have to remind myself that I don’t have to figure out the perfect thing to say, I just have to continue to be her friend.

    I’ve experienced just enough spiritual toxicity to know what it is to not be able to open your Bible, for words to lose their meaning like the salt losing it’s saltiness that Jesus spoke of, and to come out on the other side into His grace where He has made the words rich and overflowing with Him again.

    Thank you so much for sharing all this. Keep it up. Hugs!

  • http://www.halfpinthouse.com Megan

    When my oldest was 4 and nearly died in the hospital because of a serious complication from pneumonia, I had a pretty tough time spiritually with that.

    One of my best friends pulled the Job card on me. You know, the Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord. That was her way of rebuking me for questioning the goodness of God during a very dark time in my life.

    This was 7 years ago. I still have a hard time sharing anything of substance with her. I don’t know that it will ever happen again this side of heaven.

    And that’s another kind of grief for me.

  • http://www.becksthree.blogspot.com/ becky

    Thank you for this beautifully written reminder.

    I’m curious: does (did) it come across as a meaningless platitude for someone to tell you (sincerely) that she is praying for you? I tell people this and worry sometimes that it sounds trite, but I mean it in the most sincere and loving way imaginable. I WILL pray (or am praying) for you because I DO care.

  • anonymous

    Terrific post! I am currently in a phase where I can only barely peek at bible verses through the crack between my fingers. I actually finally read two whole passages last nite, one on the fruit of the spirit and the other was the love passage. Safe going so far. Made me sad, though, that the bible that was so beloved to me for so many years has been stained by fundamentalist toxins.

    Becky, in response to your question about praying…I once knew a pastor who, over the distance, didn’t ever tell me he would pray for me, or my family, he just did it…right there online in his email to me. It was the most sincere, refreshing and touching prayer I had had in almost forever, with a few exceptions. It is one possibility, and I never had to think, ‘Yeah, right, I know you are just saying you will pray for me like people say ‘bless you’ when someone sneezes. It is just a polite refrain. I am not saying that is your intent, Becky. I am just sharing something I valued and my thoughts about it.

  • http://acts17verse28.blogspot.com/ NCSue

    I’m with you on this.

    I contend that the bulk of the New Testament could be summarized in 4 words:

    Love God.
    Love others.

    Period.

  • http://papuagirlindallas.blogspot.com/ Kacie

    yeah. I have a friend who was sexually abused by religious leaders .. conservative ones. He has suuuuuch trouble with religious language, and people simply don’t understand.

    last night I sat in a counseling session with a young girl I mentor. She no longer believer, or at least says she doesn’t, and she struggles with many addictions. The counselor very quickly opened the Bible and basically made it an apologetics session in which she pointed that nothing else matters until she settles her relationship with God.

    Geez. I do think that is the centerpiece, but it was just a rather callous way of approaching her as a lost teenager, and she ended up more defensive than she did healed!

  • http://http:www.xanga.com/SJohnson0107 Sarah

    I think I know what you mean by your grandfather’s intonations. In the legalistic church I grew up in, there were a number of pastors whose voices I still cringe at to this day when I remember how they sounded. It was like this affected, constipated voice. I don’t know how to explain it in words!
    Great post.

  • http://overweightsofjoy.blogspot.com Amy Smith

    I can relate. Through the loss of a child, I heard a lot of cliches myself. Sometimes you know people are well-meaning, but the things they say are so callous. I have learned that when you are hurting, you don’t expect people to *fix* it. You just want them to love you, and show they care. Great post.

  • Maggie Dee

    I just found your blog through conversion diary. Your post put into words what I’ve felt, but couldn’t quite express. It has been a light bulb moment for me to realize that my apathy about reading scripture is related to my past experiences with fundamentalist abuse. For years, I felt so condemned and unworthy through twisted use of scripture that I’m just now thinking about reading the Bible again. I just can’t go back to that feeling of “conditional” love from God. Hence, my hesitancy to open that Bible.

  • http://lunaofthesorrows.blogspot.com/ hillary@dark :: light

    Oh, my. How did you get inside my head?? Excellent post. Blessings to you!!

  • http://jewelsightings.blogspot.com Julie Todd

    Elizabeth,
    This is my first visit to your blog. I found you from Sarah’s blog. It’s great to meet you!

    I am a mother of five as well. My children range in age from 12 to 22.

    I am a recovering religious woman.. I have spent my entire life in the church. Due to this I was taught religion…. that is until Papa God broke me out and brought me into living in relationship. I have found a life of love. It is all about love..

    I write on my blog of my journey out of religion into relationship. My desire is to reinstate the true heart of the Father.

    I’d love to have you visit.

    Again, it’s great to meet you!

  • http://kansasbob..com Kansas Bob

    “I didn’t need to be fixed.”

    Amen Elizabeth! Love (not cliches) is all we need :)