Die, skinny jeans, die!

Posted on November 10, 2009 by elizabeth

I'd like to know which fashion designer took a hard look at 99.9% of the American population and thought: "Yeah! Skinny jeans! That'd be a GREAT idea!"

Because unless you're an emaciated supermodel or a pre-pubescent boy, skinny jeans are a disaster.

It's so unfair. Just when I make my peace with boot-cut jeans, some genius decides that denim leggings are hot. And now I can't find a pair of stinkin' boot-cut jeans anywhere.

I mean, seriously. Pair up some skinny jeans with a tank top and I resemble a stuffed sausage, fresh from the meat-packing plant.

I don't know about you, but I'm a real woman. Not a mannequin.

Which is to say, I have hips.

Not that men look any better in skinny jeans. In fact, skinny jeans should come with a warning label for men.

WARNING: MAY CAUSE STERILITY. WEAR AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Skinny jeans just need to die. Especially acid-washed skinny jeans. And with it? V-neck shirts for men.

Really, who thought men in v-necks was a good idea? Ick. Men of the world: spare us your hairy cleavage.

It's just ridiculously frustrating. Most of what qualifies as fashion these days makes me wanna throw up a little.

Why can't we just go back to long dresses and hoop-skirts? Frankly, I'd rather wear a corset to show off my waist than skinny jeans to show off my muffin-top.

I'm calling for a revolution. Let's demand real fashion for real women. How about maxi-dresses WITH SLEEVES, for starters?

Chubby-armed women of the world unite!

Skinny jeans, your days are numbered.

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  • http://www.christaallan.com Christa Allan

    Amen, sister! My thighs could support the Statue of Liberty, I’m under 5′, and feeling like I’m cracking in half when I sit is not high on any of my lists.

    Pants with front zippers shorter than my thumbnail also make me want to puke.

  • Joanie

    Kohl’s has adorable bootcut jeans and lots of variety too. Skinny jeans are ridiculous.

    I’m going to go stock up at Kohl’s after reading this!

  • http://andi-horton.livejournal.com Andrea

    I already have asthma, so I will leave the corsets for you to enjoy, but yes, I could do without the skinny jean as well. What we need is another Rational Dress Movement, one for present day!

  • http://www.kampkk.blogspot.com Kimberly

    Amen and here, here!

  • http://www.tapthesmile.blogspot.com becca

    Oh my goodness! I don’t know if I’ve ever commented before but I just had to on this post :) I couldn’t agree with you more!!

  • http://stefaniesthoughts.blogspot.com Stephanie

    RIGHT ON about the V-necks for men! It is just so…gross. I’ve never once seen a guy wearing a v-neck and thought, “Wow, I am so glad he wore that! I love the way is chest pubes are peeking out!”

    You have to wonder about the designers that come up with this crap. Skinny jeans and jeans with tapered legs look good on next to nobody. While tapered legs aren’t making a huge comeback, this skinny jeans thing just keep hangin’ on like a bad cold.

    Designers, take note: Most of the women in the USA are nowhere near a size 2. Many of us even have hips. Some of us have even had our bodies…transformed?…by pregnancies. Please design accordingly. Meanwhile, I’ll be using a pair of skinny jeans for a scarf this winter.

    (not really)

  • http://www.nmwally.wordpress.com Nikki

    Ha ha! Love this. I’m with ya 100%!

  • http://www.therigneys.wordpress.com Jenny Rigney

    I laughed out loud when I read this post, I think I actually woke up my 4-month old. My name is Jenny and I am good friends with Molly P. in Minneapolis. She told me about your blog and I have been reading it ever since. I, too, would look like a stuffed sausage in skinny jeans. I’d like to design a new brand of jeans called, “4th trimester” jeans.

  • http://acrossthebrandywine.blogspot.com Chelsea Bass

    I think some girls want to make their behinds look bigger. I blame Beyonce. Personally, I am booty-liscious enough without wearing denim leggings.

  • http://highcountries.wordpress.com Jamie

    AMEN.

  • http://www.teahouselj.blogspot.com Lisa J

    The denim movement lost me at low riding, hip grazing selections. The skinny jeans are sentimentally familiar as far as having worn them in my earlier years – but they are a different animal now. Maybe if we combine them with two pairs of scrunched socks in different colors and docksiders I’d jump back in. ‘Jump’ being the operative word for me now… sigh.

  • velinka marton

    AMEN! Definitely with you on this! So funny… cracked me up!

  • http://www.moweezle.wordpress.com Maureen

    hehehee. I am going to play Devil’s advocate here, cuz I actually like em (and I think I’m the only one who’s commented so far who does). I do NOT like them on guys; however, I like wearing them, especially with boots. But, I do understand that they are not flattering on everyone, but you can always wear a long shirt with them (they are pretty popular now, aren’t they?) :)

  • Rachel

    I am pretty sure the skinny jean was meant to be marketed mainly to the 11-17 year old crowd. Parents’ money and youth as their golden ticket. However, even with the best high school girl body out there, this fashion is hit and miss at best.

    However, I saw a classic the other day at, where else, Wal-mart. A 16 year old boy in sagged skinny jeans! I didn’t think it was possible. His sagged skinny jeans showed off his blue plaid boxers. It was some kind of fashion apex.

    Skinny jeans will go the way of leggings, tiered skirts, dropped waist sailor dresses and other perilous fashions. Fortunately, being a real woman with hips mean you also have the maturity to understand how to dress your body rather than follow trends.

  • Krysta

    Oh, long shirts really do not help. Just another layer on top of hips.

    I can still find great boot cuts at Banana Republic.

    I am afraid skinny jeans are around to stay just like Uggs.

  • http://thesheltonfamily.blogspot.com Dawn S.

    I was JUST thinking that the designers and stores need to remember that the women over 30 out there are the ones with ACTUAL money and they need to stop catering so much to the teens, and then I saw this, via Molly P. on FB. Everyone is talking about hips but can I rant about thighs for a second? Even when I was really skinny they have always been bigger than I want them. Also, sorry to all the moms blaming pregnancy for their transformed bodies…I am an adoptive mom, and some of that is age and some is weight. We are WOMEN, not girls. Whew. I feel better now.

  • http://hartshorn5.wordpress.com/ Megan

    I am also a mother of twins (2 months) and cracked up over the ‘muffin top’ comment. yeah, this body is entirely different than it was post singleton pregnancy, and I will NEVER look good in skinny jeans, unless I wear a mid-thigh jacket over the top that I can never take off. I feel like I am squirting out of the top of the one pair of pre-pregnancy jeans that fit me so far… boot cut all the way… it evens things out! thanks for the morning laugh!

  • Lou Ann

    Oh how I loved this post…puts a smile and a laugh in our day :)

  • pauline

    current trend that is much more feminine and flattering than skinny jeans: tights and cute dresses!

    wear what looks good on YOU not what other people are wearing

  • http://adoptedforlife.blogspot.com Kimberleysuchta

    Ha ha! Love it! My 13 year old daughter loves her skinny jeans…and looks very cute in them. I think they work for that age group…but I will take my boot cuts anyday! I actually saw skinny jeans in plus sizes this past week and just shook my head (I am plus size). I would not be caught in those, ever! I was SO thankful when boot cuts became popular so very long ago…I sure would hope they would not quit making them….you would think the demand is pretty high for them. When I think of skinny jeans, I think of teenagers. Anyone older would look a little silly in them I think.

  • http://www.heathershodgepodge.blogspot.com Heather

    Wow, you’ve gotten a lot of comments on this one. Must have struck a chord :) I’m with you about the skinny jeans. Fortunately, here in Georgia, boot-cut jeans will always be available thanks to the redneck population. Have you tried looking at a western clothing store? You will find jeans that are not only boot-cut, but are also made to go up to your waist. No booty hanging out when you bend over, and it provides a nice quasi-corset for those of us who are post-partum!

  • http://medicalmom.blogspot.com Cassidy

    Amen!!!!

    I would take a corset any day over skinny jeans.

    I have to wonder if I was born in the wrong time. Apparently my taste in fashion (such as please don’t show me your underwear!) doesn’t match with what’s “fashionable” during the time period I live in.

  • LDH

    Boot cut jeans (and sizes that come in long) are the best thing that ever happened to my legs. I will wear boot cut jeans until people are like “oh my gosh, she still wears boot cut jeans.” and I will still wear them then.

    Express jeans, stella style, they are still boot cut/flare. I have several pair.

  • http://flourishingmother.blogspot.com Andrea

    LOL!! This is hilarious.
    You can still rock the skinny jeans–just wear one of your Anthro dresses over it–Viola!–no muffin top!!

  • Lisa

    I choose to believe that skinny jeans are the new crocs. They just don’t look good on most, so they can’t last.

  • Michelle Hart

    I soooo needed this laugh today!!
    (((Thank you!)))
    And I completely AGREE!!! LOL

  • Deborah

    Haha! Absolutely hilarious. I’m with the others – laughed right out loud at this one. I’m with you on the v-necked shirts for guys – there is really no excuse for such absurdity. And skinny jeans are horrendous on anyone. I don’t care if you’re 11 years old and scrawny. Even then they are neither flattering, nor feminine. My 12-year-old niece (who weighs all of 50 lbs probably) wears this type and they look hideous. She looks MUCH better in wider-styled jeans. Boot-cut and wide leg are still out there – don’t be discouraged! I just found some really cute, dark denim, wider-legged, draw-string waisted jeans at Old Navy for a great price. They feel good, look good, and I’ve had lots of compliments on them. I’m a 35-year-old mother of four and would look appalling in skinny jeans. Thanks for a great post!

  • http://http:terrysoapbox.blogspot.com terry@breathing grace

    This was very funny, Elizabeth. Very funny. Of course, even at my fittest and thinnest, during my late teen years, I was a curvy size ten. So if skinny jeans were in THEN, I still don’t know that I could’ve worn them.

    And I loved that you mentioned the maxi dresses, because I thought the EXACT SAME THING!! Finally, cute, fashionable dresses that are long enough to cover what I think meeds to be covered, and they’re all sleeveless!

    Again, great post.

  • http://www.butterbeanandpeanut.com Christi

    Amen Sister!

  • Cyndy

    Amen, amen, amen and amen…. I haven’t even gone near them in the stores. I have real hips, a real derrier, real thighs and real curves…there are very few styles out there that cater to the pear. I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy when I can find a relaxed fit straight leg pair of pants! I usually find them at Kohl’s in the women’s section. I’ve also seen boot cut pants there.

  • http://www.heidijowhatdoyouknow.blogspot.com Heidi Jo

    i recently wrote about my experience with this fad: http://heidijowhatdoyouknow.blogspot.com/2009/10/its-start.html
    since this post though, i have dropped some more weight, and went in to try them on again…remember they are ‘slim’ jeans, not skinny, well because frankly that’s false advertising. and now i own them. and love them. paired with some ballet flats–oh yeah.

  • Jennifer

    Amen, sista!

  • http://jasminlovescoffee.blogspot.com Jasmin

    AMEN! My thoughts exactly. I can’t for the life of me squeeze into skinny jeans, since I’m curvy…wide hips and small waist so I end up looking like a stuffed sausage. I think the days of em are numbered to…everything that is a fad comes and goes.

    I have no idea why MEN wear skinny jeans…since when is showing off how skinny you are a good thing? I’ll never get it.

  • http://theextraordinaryordinary.blogspot.com Heather of the EO

    Amen, Sister!

  • http://jenngrant.blogspot.com jenn grant

    ok im starting to think my posting skills are falling apart! i tried to post yesterday and then i think something happened i dont see it.

    anyways, what a great fun time everyone is having talking about this! :) i love it!!

    I am with Lisa………lets talk about crocs sometime! :)

    I was so opposed to skinny jeans in the beginning. swore i would never wear them!!
    well, times have changed and now i do.

    i def think there needs to be some balance in one’s wardrobe! cant do the whole skinny jean thing all the time with everything !!!!

    i agree also, that fashion is knowing when and if something does not look good on you and for the sake of keeping your friends happy, please DO NOT WEAR IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    LOL!!!

    love ya

  • http://http:www.xanga.com/SJohnson0107 Sarah

    This post and all the comments cracked me up and made my day.

    Dumb question because I am a skinny jeans virgin, but aren’t they just skinny in the leg area? It doesn’t necessarily mean that they are suction-tight on your hips and butt, right? And can you only wear them with boots or flats? If so, I cannot wear flats because I have insanely high arches and I am only 5’4″ and need some heel always!

  • http://papuagirlindallas.blogspot.com/ Kacie

    I swore I’d never get into the skinny jeans, but now they are on my “birthday money” list. However, in my defense, I want to wear them with boots – tucked inside the boots. I think wearing them with boots evens them out a little… but I don’t know that for sure since I haven’t tried them on yet!

  • http://www.JanetOber.com Janet Oberholtzer

    I rarely find jeans I love – but recently I discovered “Not Your Daughter’s Jeans”
    They are expensive, but I think they are a gift straight from heaven! They fit wonderfully and I wear them I’m asked if I’ve lost weight. They have quite a few styles, including boot cut. And you order a size smaller than what you normally wear – yes, seriously a size smaller.
    http://www.nydj.com

  • http://semicrunchymama.wordpress.com Semi-Crunchy Mama

    AMEN! Loved this post — you gave me a much-needed smile today!

  • http://www.thegypsymama.com thegypsymama

    Preach it, Sister! Preach it!

  • Stephanie C

    omg i so agree! They are definitely not for mamas (like me!) who have had three babies in three years- not to mention i think they look ridiculous.

  • Somaie
  • ICYNDICEY

    This article was written November 2010 and it is now April 2011 and these UGLY, UNFLATTERING JEANS for MEN AND WOMEN are STILL in style. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
    Oh My God…is this a bad episode of the Twilight Zone or something? These things need to go away. Oh, and can someone also please tell people that THE 8O’S ARE FU**ING OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!