I just finished the first Twilight book. I can't believe parents are letting their daughters read this stuff–unless it's to crack jokes at the hilariously chauvinistic dialogue.
You know, real gems like this one from lust-a-licious vampire Edward Cullen: "You are exactly my kind of heroin." (p.268)
Now that right there is one swoon-worthy compliment!
If only it weren't followed shortly after by this proclamation: "As if I needed another reason to kill you." (p.272)
Right, because nothing turns a girl on like a guy who is conflicted…ABOUT KILLING HER.
"I could reach out, meaning to touch your face, and crush your skull by mistake. You don't realize how incredibly breakable you are." (p.310)
O, Edward! Throw me over your shoulder and haul me downstairs to breakfast after a night of passionate, fully-clothed cuddling!
Yes, peeps, it's true. Edward Cullen and Bella Swan practice abstinence. Our chivalrous vampire doesn't want to fornicate with Bella. He just wants to kill her.
Darn those "confusing" murderous impulses!
But let's focus on the positive. A chaste vampire. Ah, yes. This is a vampire you can bring home to meet the folks.
And don't worry. If Edward ends up killing Bella, it will be her fault. That's because she should know to stand perfectly still when he kisses her. Otherwise vampire passions are aroused and, well, murder happens.
"Damn it, Bella!" he broke off, gasping. "You'll be the death of me, I swear you will." (p.363)
Romantic, right? He gets to die figuratively. She gets to die literally. Awesome.
You know, the only thing less funny than Twilight's cheesy one-liners is the fact that millions of young girls might actually believe its false portrayal of love.
How many young women will now bypass good, decent (non-violent!) guys in favor of the "complex, confused" bad-boy? Parents should point out to their daughters that the romance in Twilight hinges upon nothing less than the entire subjugation of its female protagonist.
Subjugation is not love. Neither is obsession that leads to death. Didn't we learn that from Romeo & Juliet? Darn those pesky double-suicide endings!
Look, I get it. Back in the day, Heathcliff was my literary hero. Then I got married and had five kids. That cured me right quick.
Now I prefer a real man who provides, protects and replaces the busted water heater. He even takes out the diaper pail without being asked! Seriously, how hot is that?
Yeah, that's my kinda hero. And it's the kind of hero I'm going to help my daughters choose, too.
Now, if you'll excuse me. I've got a piece of crap book to throw in the trash.