A chance at redemption

Posted on December 26, 2009 by elizabeth

I made a list of all the hurtful things that had been said and done. I built my case. And then I made a decision. I chose silence. 

I chose excommunication.

Except, it's really difficult to excommunicate your own family. For one thing, stuff happens. People die, people get married, babies are born. Eventually, your carefully cultivated vow of silence is broken by something as mundane as:

"Hey, you left some socks at my house."

Or sometimes: "So, are you coming to the funeral?"

And Christmas especially has an uncanny ability to break down the barriers. It's the one time each year when everyone universally agrees to a truce–or at least, a temporary, pretend truce. 

There comes a time when all the fights have been had, all the words have been exchanged and you realize: you can't get rid of your family and you can't change them, either.

Might as well accept them. Might as well slice the ham and please pass the gravy.

I'm not saying we have to like each other. But I guess I just don't see the good of excommunicating. I've tried that route and what really kills me are all the unintended consequences. The things I can't control. The "principled action" I think I'm taking vs. the things that are actually happening.

I guess what I'm saying is that I'm willing to get messy again. For awhile, I wasn't. And that was OK. 

I had to withdraw, reassess, redraw boundaries. I spoke out and asserted myself. I used silence. My silence said: "This far and no further."

There are certain family members with whom I have no contact whatsoever. We are completely estranged. And rightly so. Evil should not be tolerated.

But there are other family members who are just sorta broken–like me. We've got our baggage, our issues, our problems. There are layers of expectations, history, roles we've played. But in spite of it all, we find a way to make peace.

Even if it's only once a year.

[Thanks to everyone who left a Christmas greeting! Our entire family loved seeing the greetings from all over the world! It totally made my day. From now on I expect 100+ comments on every post! :) ]

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  • http://trainstutusandtwizzlers.wordpress.com Corinne

    I honestly believe messy is better. My father has gone the excommunication route with his family, (though I have not chosen to follow him in that…) and it’s made him bitter. It’s made him angrier and he’s starting to be distant with even his immediate family. Yes, there are circumstances that warrant it (it seems like there are several instances in your case!), but if you can deal with messy, and if it doesn’t hurt so much that you can’t stand it, I think it’s healthier.

  • http://musingsofacatholiclady.blogspot.com/ Michelle aka Catholic Lady

    This is a good post. My husband has some estranged family members (not from him ,but from each other) and it makes it difficult on those of us who are on neutral ground. It’s much easier if everyone can accept that we are all flawed and are trying our best.

    I am interested by what you say about “evil cannot be tolerated”…it makes me pause to think of what has caused the estrangement within my husband’s family. It happened long before I joined the family, but continues to be sticky now that I’ve been around for over 10 years.

    Thanks for your post!

  • http://sweetheartsinlife.blogspot.com Barb

    This post spoke right at ME. On Christmas day, we had “another upset” – my mother being the culprit. It seems we just can’t find peace. Just when you think you have peace, it blows up in your face. I have chosen distance, although I live within 35 miles of most of my family. I have had to distance myself emotionally from most of my siblings and my mother – all but one sister, although I speak with my mother at least once a week – she will never know my heart. Of course it is best if everyone can get along and be happy and loving – but sometimes, when things just can’t be resolved, you have to do something to save your sanity. I wish things could be different . . . Thanks for your take on this subject, it made me think about resolve in a different light.

  • http://www.UsborneConnection.com Tressa

    I’ve been here to post a comment several times. This post has really made me think. And remember.

    I needed that. Thank you.

    Keeping you in my prayers.

  • http://colleenspiro.blogspot.com colleen

    I am estranged from my father. For the first time in my life. I am an empty nester so that tells you something about my age. After all these years, I finally realized that I cannot allow him to abuse me any more. Like you said, evil cannot be tolerated. Thanks for this post.

  • http://ifmeadowsspeak.blogspot.com/ Tammy@If Meadows Speak….

    Esther,
    I loved this post! A little late in commenting, but better than never, eh? Just traveling back with you a bit here in your journey and landed on this one. Totally agree.

    Oct 2009, “all ties were severed”, my Dad’s words. In a fit of sorts. “Severed” eventually melted away by Christmas, but learning family is IMPERFECT, broken(like you mentioned), mistaken, messy, flawed, but they’re the ones we live life with. Hence, my post on “Save that One For The Book…”, finding all the goodness from him, me, my sis, mom and plastering it right there. Recgonizing I can’t change it, might as well embrace it!

    “See” you again soon!

    Tammy@If Meadows Speak….