I don’t know what I know

Posted on December 11, 2009 by elizabeth

It's a dark, rainy night and my brain is keeping me awake with questions that will not shut up.

I keep midnight company with questions. Sometimes I make them a pot of tea and we stare bleakly at each other over the empty table and I say to them: "What do you expect me to do now?"

They shrug, sip their tea. We're sorry, they seem to say. We didn't ask to be here.

These questions, they ruin my life. Jerks.

Because with them, comes their friend: doubt. An evil bastard, that one. He blows in like a blast of cold air, making our teacups rattle in the saucers.

And now I'm making midnight tea for a whole host of these unwelcome guests and what I'd really like to say is: Could you all please go away so I can be the happy, confident Christian I've always wanted to be?

No. It seems that perpetual doubt is to be my constant companion.

I'm beginning to make my peace with that. I don't mind being Thomas. At least, I don't mind it as much as I used to.

Some of us seem to require proof. We can't take the leap without seeing the bridge. 

Most of all, we doubt ourselves. I doubt my own ability to objectively analyze my own beliefs. I am too invested, you might say. I'm not exactly an honest broker because I get in the way of me.

In other words, I would like the things I believe to be true. It's not purely scientific. I am cooking the books to make sure that the result is the one I want.

My egocentricity skews my objectivity, don't you think?

It's late and I'm tired. Loneliness is nipping at my heart. I wish I could be a Peter or a John, basking assuredly in the warmth of irrefutable belief. But I'm a Thomas with a faltering faith and a stammering tongue.

My beliefs might not be true. I'll never know for sure. And by the time I do know, I'll be dead.

Now there's a soothing bedtime thought.

I'm going to go tuck the questions into bed.

Hopefully they'll let me sleep tonight.

This entry was posted in RecoveringFundamentalist, Religion, Science. Bookmark the permalink.
  • http://andi-horton.livejournal.com Andrea

    “My beliefs might not be true. I’ll never know for sure. And by the time I do know, I’ll be dead.”

    These exact words, almost to the letter, were floating through my head last night. They made for a restless sleep, as I am sure you already know . . .

    Exquisitely timely, Elizabeth. Thank you; it’s good to know that somebody else has been setting out tea for questions, too.

    I would venture to say (as I told myself last night) that I don’t think an untried faith can be called a mature one. Shelter and safety are all well and good; they certainly feel lovely while they last, and there is beauty in a strong, innocent trust, to be sure. Yet there is something rich and valuable in that which has been refined.

    It’s just a pity that the crucible gets so toasty sometimes, innit? At least, this is what I have found . . .

    And hey, at least if one must entertain questions of any variety there is comfort to be had in knowing that they are the civilised sort which take tea.

  • http://heart-and-home.net Ashleigh (Heart and Home)

    My heart understands yours… I often keep the same company.

  • http://laladyinwhite.blogspot.com colleen

    oh, elizabeth. here i am at 1:20 a.m. and wondering whether or not my own doubts and questions will allow me rest tonight. i think i’ll just try to pray through it. i’ll pray for you, too…hopefully that but now you’re sound asleep :)

  • http://www.joyinthisjourney.com Joy

    I can’t get those unwelcome guests to take off either. I’ve tried to make a conscious choice to believe one way, despite the doubts, and I keep pursuing that course because I’ve concluded that I’ll always have doubts. But I still hate that they won’t just give up and look for greener pastures.

  • http://www.talprincelive.com Tal Prince

    Such a great post, Elizabeth!

    Harry Emerson Fosdick spoke a great deal about doubt and questions. My favorite thing he ever said about it was this – Ask your questions and have your doubts – it’s the only way to authentic faith. The day will come when you question your questions and doubt your doubts.

    I love that – faith without doubt is not faith at all. Doubt and questions are a vital part of genuine faith.

    Now – how about some deep questions. 80′s Trivia!!! :0)

  • http://redeemed.kansasbob.com/ Kansas Bob

    I often think that I didn’t start to really live until I began to question. And it is always good to remember that doubt is not unbelief. http://redeemed.kansasbob.com/2007/09/doubt-is-not-disbelief.html

  • http://bellwhistlemoon.blogspot.com/ mary bailey

    Questions and doubts will always be. But, in His time, God shows Himself to us in those perfect glimpses that allow us instant faith and certainty….for awhile, anyway :) And then it starts all over again. We’re human and that’s life. Some just aren’t as aware of it. It stretches our faith and is good for us, I think. You’re good at being honest, girl.

  • http://colleenspiro.blogspot.com colleen

    It seems a lot of us deal with those questions in the middle of the night. Great post. Thanks.

  • http://www.kathleenbasi.com Kathleen@so much to say, so little time

    I think everyone requires proof at least some of the time, and often when we don’t it’s because we’re not internalizing the mystery. Don’t beat yourself up…remember that Peter ran away.

  • http://caseymarindasmemoir.blogspot.com/ Casey Jackson

    I don’t know you personally, but ran across your blog, and though to a lesser degree relate. I grew up Baptist.

    I too am a fellow doubter… actually I’m kinda a bipolar doubter.

    I too have come to grips with the fact that I might be wrong. And the thought that has allowed me to stare that in the eye is that: I’d still choose a life not having to ignore stuff, stuff stuff, or drown it out because it’s too hopeless to face. I’d rather live a life soft-hearted and tender rather than hardness b/c things can’t matter to me because there’s no purpose to it. I’d rather live a life learning to love people through grace and honesty.

    My favorite quote is this:
    “If faith never encounters doubt, if truth never struggles with error, if good never battles with evil, how can faith know its own power? In my own pilgrimage, if I have to choose between a faith that has stared doubt in the eye and made it blink, or a naive faith that has never known the firing line of doubt, I will choose the former every time.” -Gary Parker

  • http://papuagirlindallas.blogspot.com/ Kacie

    have you heard the song “To Know You” by Nicole Nordeman? I love those lyrics.

  • http://ayoungmomsmusings.blogspot.com/ Young Mom

    Plagued with the same problem. Doubts and questions that seem to have no answer. Or are they questions that never really needed to be asked?

  • Linda

    It is dust to dust until we learn how to trust…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-BC41koEgRg

  • SteveG

    The disease here is not questioning or doubt. The disease is the rationilistic mindset that the modern Western world has us imbibe from our earliest childhood.

    We are told unrelentingly that science can answer all things, that the scientific method will help us discover what is underneath all things, that we will ultimately have all the answers.

    It is this desire to have everything tied up in a nice neat little package that rationalism has poisioned us all with to some extent.

    This type of thinking has poisoned not just the secular world, but Christendom as well.

    Sadly, rationalistic thinking is an absolutely insane philosophy and at its heart is as self-contradictory as the more wholesome ways of thinking it tries to murder.

    I think that is only when we come to terms with the reality that we will NEVER have all the answer, that life and almost all it’s questions are paradoxes, then we can begin to make peace with our unanswered/unanswerable questions and doubts.

    Rationalism tells us it’s either/or. Either we have free will or not, either we become what we are by genetics or by nurture. We become fearful of making the wrong decision. What if I am wrong?

    But what if most of these questions have both/and answers?

    Accepting this would I think begin to allow us to make peace with ourselves, with our universe, with God and allows to live a life of faith instead of thinking about it so much.

  • Linda

    In the Bible it says to examine yourself, to see if you are really in the faith, to see if you really are a Christian. Here is a good article based on the Sermon on the Mount to help you do that…

    http://www.gty.org/Resources/Positions/P03