Top Ten Preacher Types (or why I have trouble in church)

Posted on December 16, 2009 by elizabeth

I'd like to preface this list by saying it doesn't apply to any of my readers. :) In fact, I wish there were more preachers like the ones who read here (hi Tal, Brad, Aaron and Fr. Mathis!). The following list is just a fun compilation of the kinds of preachers I've listened to over the past 32 years–perhaps as an insight into why I struggle so much with the modern, American church.

1. THE SOAP-BOX PREACHER: he has a pet doctrine he likes to work into every sermon. He could be preaching from Leviticus and somehow End Times prophecy will make a miraculous appearance.

2. THE POLITICO: he wants to change the world through grassroots political movements and pithy bumper stickers. He has voter guides distributed with the church bulletin. Depending on his politics, he's a principled vegetarian or a proud carnivore. Ye shall know him by his feelings about Sarah Palin.

3. THE "GET HIGH ON GOD" PREACHER: his considers his preaching a success if everyone is moved to tears. He's into experimental church experiences like impromptu altar calls, turning off the lights and worshiping in the dark, encouraging people to prostrate themselves and/or yell, laugh, scream out extemporaneous prayers.

4. THE FAITH HEALER: he can help you solve all your problems if only you have faith and a solid optimistic attitude. If your problems don't get better, well, you only have your weak faith to blame.

5. PROSPERITY PREACHER: he promises that following Jesus equals lots of material "blessings." His favorite verse is "God honors those who honor Him." Your problems will disappear with a generous monthly offering to his ministry–extra "blessings" if it's automatically deducted from your checking account.

6. BEST SELLING AUTHOR: he was an unknown pastor with a smallish church until he wrote his first bestseller. Now he runs a thriving mega-church, hosts Presidential debates and makes appearances on The Colbert Report.

7. THE NOVICE: mid-30's, promoted from youth group leader to pastor.  His enthusiasm and zeal make up for his questionable degree from a non-accredited "Bible college." Wants to "fire-up" the congregation, expunge apathetic "church-goers" and recapture the essence of "New Testament" Christianity.

8. THE ROCK STAR: wears designer jeans and Converse sneakers while he preaches. May also flat-iron his hair. Keeps his MacBook Pro open on the podium. Tackles edgy topics like masturbation. Broadcasts his sermons on YouTube.

9. THE MEDDLER: his favorite topic is sin and he uses your problems as sermon illustrations. He makes unannounced visits to your home. He raises his voices and/or pounds the pulpit, waves his Bible in the air. He's a firm believer in "speaking the truth." 

10. THE CULTURE WARRIOR: an entrepreneur-cum-pastor who wants to "redeem the culture" from the mires of feminism, homosexuality and public education (aka, humanistic indoctrination). He sells books, homeschool curricula and videos espousing a young Earth theology (no dinosaurs) and views child-raising (aka, generational faithfulness) as the important work of raising an "army for Christ." 

Thanks to my Twitter friends for helping me compile this all-in-good-fun list.
Am I missing any other Preacher Types?
And if you're a pastor, do you have a Top Ten Church-Goers list?
Please share!

This entry was posted in RecoveringEvangelicalsAnonymous, RecoveringFundamentalist, Religion. Bookmark the permalink.
  • http://reidklos.com Reid Klos

    LMBO
    If I was a preacher I’d eerily fall into categories 7 (if I had a degree), 8 (if I had hair) and 9 (if I was a yeller/fist pounder). That’s awesome, Elizabeth. Too bad there weren’t any balanced ones.
    I’ll add:
    The Soap Opera/Reality Show Star who pushes to have every sermon videotaped, broadcast live and treats every sermon as an audition to be “discovered”
    The Hitler Clone that demands complete silence from the congregation when he preaches and deems it disrespect if someone gets up to use the restroom midsermon, and then turns any “interns” into an exact overly zealous replica of himself
    The Broadway Preacher breaks into song every five minutes to keep the congregation’s attention or turns the sermon into a concert by asking the praise team to do 15 numbers back to back

  • http://www.musingsofacatholiclady.blogspot.com/ Michelle aka Catholic Lady

    Love your list. And I would DEFINITELY be interested in the top 10 church-goers, list! LOL

  • destry

    This is great! I have experienced all 10…does that make me well rounded?

    I hope someone posts the top 10 church goers…I can think of a few types that should be on the list :)

  • Michelle Hart

    oh LOLOLOL!!!! Love this list..you crack me up!!

  • http://www.heidijowhatdoyouknow.blogspot.com Heidi Jo

    i love the pastor/priest who falls into the category of: “turn your eyes up one Jesus. look full in His wonderful face. and the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace.” so gosh darn thankful for all that i’ve had that fit that bill.

    have definitely experienced some of the above.

  • http://chocolateaftersupper.blogspot.com/ cindykay

    We heard a preacher at a conference recently who was a combination of #1, #4, #5, and #9. He got on his soapbox to convince us that health and prosperity were the right of all of us, and if we were in ill health or poor financial circumstances it was our own fault for not believing.

    And then he berated us for our sins of unbelief and lack of boldness and poverty of spirit, and apologized facetiously for stepping on toes, but said that was just his style and he believed in plain-speaking.

    And even though each message began with a seemingly unrelated bible passage–and title–every single one of them was somehow twisted to fit his theme.

    (It’s funny now, however at the time I felt so literally sick that several people afterwards asked me if I was feeling okay and offered to pray for me!)

  • http://www.chadmarkley.com Chad Markley

    Well….you pretty much listed 99% of ALL pastor out there.

    Most pastors have at least one of the traits above or they endeavor to be one of them. Thing is, we are all on the road of sanctification. Each one of us starts out our walk with Christ having a total identity crisis! We were one way for however long and each day we are being transformed into His likeness. (This of course assumes we are willing and not being total idiots)

    Pastors are no different than we are, they just happen to be going through the process in front of the entire church. I am not saying there aren’t some really lame pastors out there trying to be who they aren’t. I am simply making the point that there are just as many of us working through a similar process, looking just as silly but with less eyes on our progress.

    Good post :-)

  • http://www.JanetOber.com Janet Oberholtzer

    Funny, and true, post!
    I also have issues with church. My last post was “Church – Why Bother?” I’m annoyed with the way things are and yet there are good things about being a part of a the church.

  • http://www.elizabethesther.com Elizabeth Esther

    Chad: Good points. And I fully admit that I’m not exactly an objective observer. When you’ve been hurt by pastors, it definitely tends to skew your perspective. And yep, my sanctification process can look pretty silly sometimes, too. Thanks for putting in a good word for the preacher men. :)

  • Lou Ann

    I was pleased to see that my husband/pastor does not fall into any of those. We could add a few to your list (you never mentioned the pharisee type). My husband has not published a book, does not make house calls unless one is in need and then we will wait with another at a bedside, in a hospital waiting room, at Starbucks, but only when desired. He does not have a charismatic personality. He is a teacher, when he opens up the Word, (whether in a classroom or in front of the congregation on a Sunday, or in our living room, or dining room table) he comes alive and you know he loves the Word. His greatest desire is to see others rise to their fullest potential. He substitute teaches, as well, and is the favorite among the middle and high schoolers here becuase he genuinely cares. One of my twins said it like this in his blog: http://williamcbrown.blogspot.com/2008/06/what-my-father-taught-me.html
    I would like to think he represents many who are faithful, yet don’t get much attention nor outward signs of success yet faithfully plods along the path that the Lord directs, praying that God would use them to make a difference.

  • Kate

    All the Young Earth creationists I’ve ever come across believe in the existence of dinosaurs. Why the “no dinosaurs” comment?

  • karenkool

    I was also thinking of the teacher/preacher who uses all the lexicons and commentaries to give a “solid” and “proper” translation of the WORD, but puts everyone to sleep in the process.

    …and the one who closes his/her sermon about 10 times.

    …and the pentecostal preacher who uses the organ (and choir) to vamp up and emphasize his/her points during the entire message.

    haha to each his own, right?!

  • http://www.smoochagator.com Emily, a.k.a. Smoochagator

    Oh, Elizabeth! This is why I have a hard time going to church, too. I know I should give people a chance – even pastors – but I usually think I’ve got someone’s “number” as soon as I walk in the door.

    I especially like your description of the “Rock Star.” LOL!

  • Lou Ann

    I need to add to my earlier post, that it is all too sad that this list is true and is replicated over and over. I always wonder why people attend, or continue to attend, but often find that they attend because of relationships there, not related to beliefs or teachings of the leadership. And often some of those you listed are at teh Big churches with all the MANY programs and glitz, which they are attracted to. Unfortunealy, with our media crazed, tech savy society, many do not have the attention span to sit under the Word, but follow after an entertaining deliverer of the messages. Not that it has to be dry and boring, the Word when taught clearly is anything but that. But as frail self centered human beings, often the messenger gets in the way of the message, and the hungry sheep look up and are not fed. This is not only true in churches, but in classrooms across the nation. Look for a man who not only walks close to the Lord, but who has your best interest as his heart and not his own. But then protect him.

  • http://kansasbob.com/ Kansas Bob

    Guess that is why preachers don’t always make good shepherds.

    http://redeemed.kansasbob.com/2006/03/religious-seduction.html

  • http://www.dauphinfamily.blogspot.com Nikki

    I don’t necessarily want to knock your post as it was meant in good fun and everything but, there are many, many, many GREAT pastors out there who just faithfully serve the Lord and give their lives for their families and church. Some don’t and are definitely as you described above but there are many who are faithful. I know with your background that it’s probably hard not to be cynical but, pastors have an extremely difficult job, harder than most I think, and we should really pray for them. Just thought I’d throw that out there. (No…my husband is not a pastor. He’s a teacher.)

  • http://quiveringdaughters.blogspot.com/ Hillary

    LOL! This is great, Elizabeth. I could see each one as you described him. :-)

  • Pat

    I can’t stop laughing. Thank you. :)

  • http://www.insidecrosspointe.com Brad Evangelista

    Ha! This post cracked me up Elizabeth. Blessings to you and yours this Christmas!

    Brad (trying not to make this list…)

  • http://www.blessedisthekingdom.com Fr Christian Mathis

    Nice post. I am not sure which category I most fall into, will have to give it some thought, along with the top ten church goer types.

  • http://www.thebeachbug.blogspot.com Tami

    I agree, church is difficult these days. It seems more like a business than anything else. What’s the alternative? We either live with it or come up with a better plan…
    But I did want to mention something in defense of Pastor #6, the best-selling author. I don’t know much about him, but I do know that he does not receive a salary from his congregation, and with the money from his books he repaid the church for the salaries paid to him prior to the book sales. Not many people do that!

  • http://www.blessedisthekingdom.com Fr Christian Mathis

    Tami,

    I think the alternative to the business model of church is a family model. There is certainly always a bit of business involved, but also with families paying bills, etc.

    A household seems to ring more true to our calling as Christians than the board room.

    Just my thoughts.

    Fr C