My husband just wants soap. Or better yet, "An all-in-one deal. None of this separate shampoo and conditioner whatevers."
But every time he goes down the personal hygiene aisle, he's overwhelmed by beauty bars and SPF. He wants soapdarnit, not "whaddya-call it? Potpourri? Perfume?"
Perfume? Well, I know what he means. He doesn't want to emerge from the shower smelling like a flowery cloud bomb. He just wants to be clean. Is that too much to ask?
I've tried buying everything from Body Wash ("Body-What? Why can't they just call it soap?") to all-in-one shampoo/conditioners to plain, white bars.
Either it's too complicated or it's too smelly.
When I try to introduce a new product, he'll take one cautionary sniff and then stagger back a few paces. "What is this stuff?"
He'll squint at the label, "Moisturizing rain?"
He'll hand it back, muttering about "false advertising" and quackery. Scams. Conspiracies.
He does have a point. It's been so difficult to find a basic soap that it seems like cosmetic companies are solely targeting women. Almost like they've jumped on the Discriminate Against Masculine Men bandwagon.
It's a shame, too. I like it that my man is suspicious of my bath salts and body oils. I'm thankful that he looks askance at this whole "metrosexual nonsense."
It means I don't have to compete for bathroom space. Or ever wonder who's prettier.
I'm also thankful that one day he arrived home, triumphant. He'd discovered the holy grail of male hygiene. We like to call it "Man Soap."
It's a triple all-in-one: soap, shampoo, conditioner. It's packaged in a thick, man-shaped bottle. The label is written in ALL CAPS BOLD FACE–you know, for ease of location in the hygiene aisle.
It's convenient and uncomplicated. It doesn't require multiple steps. None of that "rinse-n-repeat stuff."
And best of all, it smells like a man. A clean man.
Maybe it's not such a conspiracy, after-all.
