On being a self-righteous prig who gets me to the church on time

Posted on January 17, 2010 by elizabeth

My daughter is certifiably obsessed with being on time. And, for her, being on time means: arriving fifteen minutes early.

Or as she says: "Arriving on time like everyone else is actually arriving late."

Holy moly. I have created a monster.

It was entirely unintentional, I promise. As a child, I was taught that arriving on time was akin to keeping one's word. Tardiness was a sign of poor character. Being late demonstrated your lack of commitment and reliability.

All of which to say: I have smokin' time-management skills. I thrive on deadlines. I'm somewhat fetishistic about start-times.  

I mean, the whole reason I can raise five kids + write this blog is because I'm sorta a freak about not wasting time.

But apparently, my daughter has just one-upped me. I arrive ten minutes early. She'd prefer fifteen.

And nothing makes us more anxious than the possibility of running late. Or, you know, Arriving on Time Like Everyone Else. 

Yes, this is a sickness. And I want to be cured! Arriving early is not all it's cracked up to be. There's no compassion, no reward for arriving on time.

But, oh! Oh, to experience the sympathy given to the chronically late person! How I would love to be the last-minute straggler, the scene-stealer, the profuse apologizer with no moral qualms about making everyone else wait.

For just once in my life I'd like to know what it feels like to hear people say: Don't worry, you didn't miss a thing. Or: No problem! We didn't mind waiting for you!

Because for all my life I've been the one saying these nice, consoling, forgiving things (all while fighting back irritation on the inside).

The truth is, I'm TOTALLY judging late people for wasting my time. TOTALLY annoyed. TOTALLY assuming they have bad character. TOTALLY thinking: if I can be on time with five kids, what's THEIR excuse?

Man oh man. I'm a self-righteous prig. 

Maybe I should try being late once in awhile? I hear it's fashionable. I'm almost convinced it's morally superior, too.

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  • Jen

    I *think* I know where you’re going with this post, and I have both agree and disagree with you.

    To me, you’re saying that there is nothing wrong with being on time, it’s the self-righteous attitude that can come along with it that’s the problem.

    If I am wrong in that assumption, please correct me. I truly do not mean to put words in your mouth.

    I’m a generally very punctual person. Being late with a good reason and/or a true sense of consideration is fine (ie: I am sorry I’m late. Baby peed through her outfit and I had to change her again before we left.). But lateness because one chooses not to honour their commitment to another person, is, in my view, very rude and inconsiderate (ie: I know it takes me 30 minutes to drive to Place A to meet you, but I left late because I was busy surfing the Internet. And I just had to stop at Starbucks along the way too, but I didn’t get anything for you.). This second type of lateness, to me, says that the person doesn’t respect me enough to agree to a commitment.

    Being on time or late isn’t a sin issue, but it certainly can be indicative of sin (ie: self-righteousness or a lack of respect for others).

  • http://www.elizabethesther.com Elizabeth Esther

    Jen: you are correct. I like being on time. But I don’t like my own self-righteous attitude. Very good observation. :)

  • http://ifmeadowsspeak.blogspot.com/ Tammy@If Meadows Speak….

    Having been one of those early birds myself, lately it seems I’ve been knocked off my royal tweeting early throne. Seems fashionably late has been my time keep on several occasions this month! Mortifiying. I can’t get over myself. Mind you it’s only been a few times. But r.e.a.l.l.y??! I need to get back to my priggy self. Although there’s no gratitude for prigs and late bloomers upstage, I just wanta be “normal” again. Is that sick?? :)

  • http://www.nmwally.wordpress.com Nikki

    Oh my goodness, take it from me — being habitually late is NOT so great! I soooo wish I’d kicked this habit back when I was single. It would have been so much easier to change back then — I’m really working on it now that I’ve got 2 tiny kids, but MAN is it hard! :) I have much admiration for folks like you who’ve got this nailed down (and are passing it along to their kids).

  • http://livinginthemystery.blogspot.com/ Michelle

    I feel that way too sometimes -especially since I had my daughter. I’m not as consistent as you, but I do like to be on time. It drives me crazy to wait around with my very active, impatient toddler for someone else to show up. I try to remind myself that my daughter is just showing externally what I am feeling internally and that I need to slow down and be in the moment. I don’t usually succeed at remembering this, but sometimes it works!

  • http://www.kathleenbasi.com Kathleen

    I am going to illustrate your point by saying that I have no patience with people who are incapable of getting to a place on time. I am frequently rushing to get to a place on time with all three kids, but I usually manage. (Except the doctor’s office. For some reason that one was a perennial problem. We changed to a doctor 15 minutes closer to home and the problem went away.) But on Sundays we manage to get three kids up, dressed & fed in time to be at church to set up for choir warmup. So I have trouble sympathizing with people who only have one or two kids being fifteen minutes late. It’s all about priorities.

    There, I have illustrated self-righteousness to a T! But I’m with the people who believe habitual tardiness is impolite imposition on other people’s time. And I don’t excuse myself when *I*’m late.

  • http://trainstutusandtwizzlers.wordpress.com Corinne

    I hate being late… hate it. I hate the scene it can cause, I hate the explanations you feel you need to give. We’re early people, and I do judge those who cannot make it place on time. Even with a newborn, and then a toddler and a newborn, we’ve always been on time. I don’t see how it’s so difficult ;)

  • Debra

    I’m reading the Boundaries book by Cloud and Townsend.

    And people who are chronically late (not just occasionally when something unusual happens) are being extremely inconsiderate.

    If someone apologizes for being late, don’t tell them it’s okay if you don’t feel like it’s okay. That’s insincere.

    I’m the leader of a Sunday school class, and everyone else is always late. Drives me up the wall. I’m working on setting boundaries that lets them know I love that they are working in the class, but it’s not okay to be late. That is really, really hard. Especially with volunteers. Any helpful suggestions on how to do this?

  • Deborah L

    I have a horror of being late and actually panic if I feel I’m running a bit behind schedule. I do feel like it is inconsiderate to be perpetually late. It’s important to teach my children that they need to get to school on time, Sunday school on time, etc. I think it sets them up well for future jobs and other commitments. I have children – I do understand that there are sometimes valid reasons for being late. :) I just don’t think it’s necessary to be ALWAYS late. Having said that, though, I don’t know what it’s like to be a single mom. I praise all those single parents out there – can’t imagine doing it all alone.

  • http://jenngrant.blogspot.com jenn grant

    LOL!!!! is it ok to laugh with you on this one!? :)

    i would also love to be a scene stealer! great line btw! :)

    i have gotten a little better when it comes to this thing but, what fun is it to be on time (15 min early) when you have to sit in the car and wait for everyone to arrive because the doors are still locked because, no one has made it yet to unlock them!!!!??????

    whew! glad i could get that off my chest!

  • http://www.lorimcktia.blogspot.com Lori McKenna

    Oh man. Others being late is my biggest pet peeve. To me it is just inconsiderate, a failing to be organized, or at least just getting your act together enough to have some pride in getting to where you’re going without inconveniencing everybody else. Also your observation about the way an entire group of people will sit and wait while this is going on and then saying, “don’t worry we weren’t ready to get started anyway.” Arghhh. I was ready to go when I got there and looking forward to moving on! And yes, there are exceptions to the rule, but it’s the chronic lateness in some people that does it for me. I know a family who were late to every mass for the 15 years we went to the same church. They came in AFTER the gospel reading which is about 15 minutes AFTER the service starts. With absolutely no excuse and everybody thought it was just kinda cute. At the time my 4th grader even asked me if someone comes in AFTER the gospel reading if it even counts! From the mouths of babes! In our church you are supposed to be there even a bit early so you can pray and prepare yourself. As one priest put it when he was fed up with half the congregation coming in AFTER the mass had started, which by the way, is very distracting to the person speaking and to the attendees. ” Would you walk in 15 minutes AFTER a movie started?” Sorry, done with the rant. But I warned you it was a pet peeve. Thanks for the post — well and thoroughly stated.

  • http://http:www.xanga.com/SJohnson0107 Sarah

    Debra–Love the Boundaries book. I read it four years ago, and I would love to read it again because it has so many helpful ways to relate to people in healthy ways!

  • hanna

    i am exactly the same way, it’s scary!

  • Rachel Pettigrew

    Deborah L, yes! I totally get that! I have a particular horror of being late for church! I feel my heart rate racing and feel nauseous. Trouble is for 13 years I’ve been married to a “latey” and have 3 young kids – so that’s a weekly dose of high blood pressure and nausea for a long time now!

    Btw, I’ve never commented before but having left our church 4 months ago I’m loving this blog. Makes me feel kind of safe, somehow…

  • LILME

    Good Post!

  • Priscilla

    I feel as if I am about the exact opposite of everyone who commented on your post Elizabeth! You might already know this because of your friendship with Hannah – but my family was that family who came to church fifteen minutes late every Sunday – except there were 11 of us and were were just late for “pre-prayer” ;) which was just as bad as arriving late for the main service at our church…

    Getting ready on Sunday mornings was like as scene from ‘Cheaper by the Dozen’ – one of the more chaotic scenes I might add…

    Anyways – I know my mother tried SO hard to get us to church on time but there was always something. Always. So we would inevitably get a lecture from my dad on the way to church on the evils of being late as we sped through every yellow light.

    I’m trying to build a picture here so that you can appreciate that you are building good habits with your children. What is that verse about the sins of your fathers? Well – I have inherited the chronically late sin.

    I do not have the type-A & ultra organized personality that drives me to be 15 minutes early and I wish I did! I have been working on this weakness my whole life – and my only hope is that I overcome it by the time I have children so that I can break the cycle!

    To drive my point home I am going to share an embarrassing consequence of my lateness:

    My senior year of college I fell into the habit of arriving late to a certain class almost every day. (It was a smaller class so it was very noticeable.) It affected my grade a little but I still managed to pull off an A- in the class. After graduation I was looking for a summer/part time job and I answered a nanny advertisement on craigslist. When I met the family I realized it was the professor of my ‘late’ class and I immediately knew I had no chance of getting the job. Even though I thought the interview went very well and I was great with their baby, my past was there to kick me in the butt and it cost me the job.

    Let’s just say that situation has motivated me to take a serious look at my habits!

    So I will stop rambling and just say that I’m glad you are raising your family to be 15 minutes early!

    And guess what – since I have started my job as a substitute teacher last Fall I have yet to be late to class!

  • Tabitha

    I definitely think there should be a happy medium…I also am one of those people that seems to be 5-10 minutes late and I do think it stems from selfishness…I was pondering this and know that I really do try to get places on time but I have a skewed perception of time. Even though it takes me a hour to get ready in the morning, for some reason I think I can do it in 45 mins. I think I kid myself into thinking that different tasks won’t take me as long as they do.

    It’s funny that you said, ” I’m sorta a freak about not wasting time.” My schedule gets so crazy busy that I also am a “freak about not wasting time.” I was telling my sister the other day that if I were to arrive 15 min early every day for work, that would be over an hour of wasted time during the work week. Why would I waste that much time, just so I can sit there and say “I was on time” and possibly end up judging the people that were late.

    I do think that my tardiness does stem from the sin of selfishness. I think my time is more valuable than whoever I am inconveniencing and I want to change that. The fact is that it isn’t easy. Like any sin that seems to have a hold on you, or any habit that you wish you could break. I don’t think about my next appointment and say to myself…”I don’t care about the person I ‘m meeting” or “I am more important than the people that will have to wait for me” instead I think that I can get too many things done in a small period of time. I don’t think about how there could be traffic or plan for any delays. It is a way of thinking that I must train myself away from.

    It hurts to hear the judgment of people like me in the comments from your readers and even some of the thoughts you’ve had about us “scene stealers.” I think that in some cases, people that arrive early are not doing it for the mere fact that they are so very considerate of others but more to be able to say “see, look what I can do.” “I can get here early, why can’t they?”

    I guess what I’m trying to say is that in both extremes, you can be on time or late and have the wrong motives and intentions. I think sometimes instead of judging, we have the opportunity to watch that family walk into church late and pray for them out of love. Maybe they struggle with tardiness often or maybe they just had a flat tire. Maybe every Sunday morning they struggle with getting up the strength to get their family together and go to church…but they made it…even late.

    What kind of world would that be? If we thought of the other person instead of how inconvenienced we are by that person. A paradigm shift…what about them? Their tardiness may stem from childhood, it may be selfishness, or it may be something they can’t change. We don’t know and after all, we can only change ourselves.

    It is wonderful to implement these habits of being on time/early in young people. I think as long as the motive is right and your children know that being on time shows our respect for those around us then you can’t go wrong. The danger is letting your children see your frustrations with people that are late. If they know the way you think about people that are late, it’s inevitable that they will start judging “the late people” too.