A new chapter

Posted on February 11, 2010 by elizabeth

Silverbean  Our family is complete. I've never felt this way before. Not after my second baby, not after my third. But now, with five children–I'm all filled up.  

A few weeks ago I finally began acknowledging it: I let Matt cart off a bunch of baby stuff.

Some of it went to a teen pregnancy shelter. Other stuff went to foster care program. 

I got all teary eyed packing away preemie clothes and shoes, newborn outfits, baby gear. I can feel myself transitioning into a new chapter of life.

I find myself saying things like: "Oh, this is the last time I'll make a bottle. This is the last time I'll go shopping for toddler clothing." 

My babies are toddlers now. They've given up their bottles and soon will be out of their cribs.

I feel an ache of sadness/longing, but also a sense of peace. A certain kind of rightness. It seems like all the puzzle pieces have come together and the timing is right. I've been blessed beyond measure with five wonderful, healthy children.

I know that our hearts will always be open to more children. But I'm also listening to my husband who knows me so well. He says I need a rest. He says it's time to let the field lie fallow.

I think he's right. 

Is it strange that I also think I might let myself have a wee little cry? 

p.s. do you like my blog's new look? (subscribers click through to see)

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  • http://www.sdsmith.net SD Smith

    I think the blog title is rad. I understand the peace/sadness thing. God bless you guys. hooray for your big family.

  • http://www.halfpinthouse.com Megan

    I understand that well. I *did* cry the day I hauled our double stroller to the seminary “free store” because our last daughter, who was 18 months when we moved on campus, was then 3 and we didn’t exactly need a double stroller anymore.

    But my husband cheered. He always hated that double stroller.

    There are many times I’m sad we made the decision to be done, but overall, I know it’s right for us too.

    I LOVE the stage we’re in with no car seats, no bibs, no diapers. Everyone can manage an escalator by themselves. Nobody is afraid of carousel horses.

    We’re in a good place. :)

    But it’s okay to cry. Here. Have a tissue.

  • http://trainstutusandtwizzlers.wordpress.com Corinne

    Love the new look!
    I cried big fat tears when we decided that we were done. I’m open to adoption later on, but my child bearing days are over (unless something… God forbid… happens to my husband ;) )
    It’s so bittersweet.

  • http://laladyinwhite.blogspot.com colleen

    i do like it. :)

    and the Lord has indeed given you a beautiful blessing of a family.

  • http://colleenspiro.blogspot.com colleen

    I love the look of your blog. And I understand those mixed feelings. Had them myself. God bless!

  • http://livelifeartfully.blogspot.com Jenn

    Love the new look! I have had two daughters and a miscarriage, and have definitely cried a few tears that it is time to be done. I know that is though. *virtual Kleenex & some chocolate*

  • http://makingthemomentscount.wordpress.com/ Amber

    It is with sadness that mothers and fathers say good-bye to those baby years.

    And now you are heading to years full of independence. They will be equally as fun.

    Like all transitions, it may be bumpy. Tears are certainly allowed and welcome.

    P.S. Your blog header is gorgeous!

  • Whitney

    Oh gosh, that is a big change. I’m looking at having to make a similar decision, medically wise. Looks like having more isn’t going to be an option, and frankly, I’m more stunned than I thought.

    Babies are awesome. :-)

  • http://sue-livingandlearning.blogspot.com/ Sue

    I love the new look, and, yes, it’s totally fine and normal to have a good cry. I had one while reading this post!

  • Stephanie

    I haven’t had the room to hold on to a lot of my son’s things as he grows out of them, so I guess I am fortunate, in a way. I haven’t been able to harbor a lot of sentimental feelings toward his tiniest clothes, his baby jungle gym, his newborn onesies. I kept only one of his outfits…the one he came home in…and gave the rest to friends and baby pantries.

    The hard thing for me has been letting go of him as he outgrows things such as the want to be rocked to sleep, the desire to be walked at night so he can fall back to sleep after a dream or a noise awakened him.

    I recently bought the book, “Let Me Hold You Longer” by Katherine Kingsbury (I think…), and the book is all about these lasts. In the first pages of the book, she talks about how we celebrate our babies’ firsts, and how we celebrate and mourn their lasts, realizing that they are growing up and will someday be on their own. It’s a bittersweet book, as is the process of watching our kids grow up. My son was about nine months old when he decided he didn’t want to be rocked to sleep anymore, and as much as that hurt, I also understood…this is the first of many things I will need to let go of as he grows.

    The book I bought is written to be read w/your child. However, right now, I could barely get through it myself without shedding a tear or two, realizing the happy and the sad of life’s march forward.

    P.S. Love the new look of the blog!

  • http://themanyfacesofsarahhankins.blogspot.com/ Sarah

    I’m not quite where you are yet, I’m feeling like we should try for another…..must be that “biological clock” ticking or something. But, I know that when we do decide we are done I will be joining you for a bit of a cry myself. I’m feeling like the purging of baby stuff and such might be hard too, but I’m praying that I won’t that when we’re done God will help me be okay with it. Or rather, that I will let God help me be okay with it….cause I know he’ll have that provision ready for me (like most things) but it’s up to me to choose to follow him and allow him to help me through the rough thing I’m going through. Your new look is awesome, by the way……

  • http://www.musingsofacatholiclady.blogspot.com/ Michelle

    I do not quite have that feeling, but I think it will come. I thought it would come with a son after three girls, but I still have a longing in my heart for another child. To be honest, I have always wondered if…as mothers…we will always sort of want another baby…even in the menopause years when pregnancy isn’t a possiblity. I guess time will tell. I am 36, so the days are coming when my womb will close. You have indeed been blessed with your family. Praise God! And let the bittersweet tears flow…if it’s not worth losing (that feeling of wanting to grow your family]), it’s truly not worth having.

  • http://theextraordinaryordinary.blogspot.com Heather of the EO

    Yes, have a good cry. Or twenty. Sometimes we forget to grieve things that don’t seem entirely bad. But they’re different and the closure is heavy and we need to be sad for a while. Even while we revel in the peace.

    Emotions are so confusing. :)

    Lots of love to you,
    Heather
    (and as I told you on Twitter, I LOVE the new look!)

  • RebeccaF.

    I have five children as well and can totally relate. God has blessed me with a mother’s heart. I am thankful for each and every moment, even the monotonous, frustrating, fearful and scary ones, because I know He holds me in the palm of His hand.
    Tears are good! They are a release of those feelings (by which I mean hormones, pesky, pesky hormones)so we are better able to continue our walk with Him.
    Your husband sounds very wise and definitely a helpmeet for you, a true husband.
    God bless your family.

    P.S. The new design is beautiful – keep up the good work.

  • http://thebookbeast.blogspot.com SaraJ

    This post interested me because I’m wrestling with the “Done” question.

    Not a sadness because I feel I should be done. No, it’s because I really *want* to be done, but can’t quite believe that God gives me permission to say I am.

    Years of ardent Quiverfull philosophy has given me an answer for all my reasons to want to stop at four. Most of the answers boil down to, “You’re being selfish.” It’s even worse that I don’t have the wistful regret as I consider having no more children. Sometimes it seems like you can get away with a decision like this if you feel sad about making it.

    But I do feel complete with four. And it was good to read your post about the same feeling.

    – SJ

  • http://www.heidijowhatdoyouknow.blogspot.com Heidi Jo

    i’m finding that resting place too….but i am unable to say DONE. i am attempting to do something in which i struggle much. rest in God’s control. know that where i am now is a place of goodness and peace. and wherever i am tomorrow as long as i’ve let God lead me, will be the same. without labeling anything with my own terms.

    i hear your heart.

    yes, the header is very pretty.

  • http://www.joyinthisjourney.com Joy

    I cried too. It was stubborn “I want to do it my way” tears though — we got a clear message that we needed to be done, and I was angry that it wasn’t MY decision. My hand was forced, and I wanted it to be something we just decided ourselves. Now that we’ve been in “done with our family mode” for a couple of years, I’m much more content with where we are.

    Love the new header!

  • http://livinginthemystery.blogspot.com/ Little M

    Aw, I totally get it.

    And I love the new blog header!

  • http://www.laurissalynn.blogspot.com Laurissa

    I haven’t even started the married, baby making stage, but I think I would be feeling the same thing if I were in your shoes right now. While I think the header background is very pretty…I kinda liked the fonts you used (with the mismatched letters) from your previous blog header better…because they were very unique!!! But nonetheless…the new look is very fresh and pretty!

  • http://thewilcoxes.blogspot.com Cara

    I like the new look very much!

    I also relate to the bittersweetness of the place you’re in. I still hope that we aren’t done having babies, but with my youngest, I’ve just been more aware of how fast the time goes. If we have one or even two more children–their baby stage will be over before I know it. It’s good to read from you and other moms that there’s a peace that comes with the decision to be finished. But I still get choked up thinking about it!

  • Deborah L

    I adore the baby stage, and am feeling those same feelings you are feeling now that we are “done”. My husband wanted no more than four. I would have wanted a fifth. But God allowed an event to happen which has made it completely impossible for us to have more (biological, that is). In a way, I’m grateful. I would have struggled with our making the decision on our own. I feel so completely blessed with my four especially when I hear about losses or the inability to have babies. But, I’m still finding it difficult to leave the baby stage. I’m tearing up thinking about when my baby will wean himself. (sniff) It’s so comforting to know that others are feeling the same way! Thanks!

  • http://www.seekingfaithfulnessblog.com Holly

    You? And Ann in the same week? Dear me…can my heart take so much change?

    (I’m teasing, Elizabeth. :) Sort of. You know, it’s a little bit sad, as all stages of life are.

    When I was 29, with four, I was sure I was ALL DONE. I couldn’t wait for the “snip snip” for my husband and couldn’t wait to never have to pee in a cup for the pregnancy check ups. Never Again! I declared. :)

    Well…yeah. That “snip snip” never happened (on purpose,) and I went on to pee in a cup through 4 more pregnancies. Now, at 41, I find that God isn’t sending babies so quickly any more. My baby is 2 years old, and the kids ask me every day if we think we will have more. Paradoxically to my 29 year old self, I find myself so sad to think that I might be done having babies. I could never have imagined. :)

    We’re all different, God has different plans for different families and different women. But most of us mourn the passages of life, in one way or another.

    Bittersweet, isn’t it?

    God Bless

  • http://www.elizabethesther.com Elizabeth Esther

    Holly: oh, i didn’t know Ann was thinking the same thing? I’ll have to go read her! :) And I guess I should clarify: we’re not making any permanent or drastic steps. It’s just a slow realization. I’ve learned my lesson to never say never. I said “never” after #2 and here we are with 5! I couldn’t imagine my life without these 3 more. So, it’s all in God’s hands…but suffice to say, we’re also at peace with being complete.

    HUGS TO YOU ALL!!! so sweet to wake up to your kind, encouraging words this morning!!!

  • http://www.laundryandlullabiesblogspot.com Emily

    How did you come to this place of peace? I have three and sometimes feel like I’ll never survive. There are many, many days when I say never again! And yet “no more” is so…final. I watch others decide their families are complete and I just keep wondering…how do you know? I wish God would give me a number. :)

  • http://www.smoochagator.com Smoochagator

    Awww! It’s okay to be a little sad about transitioning to the next stage of your life. And as you said, your hearts are open in case you feel led to have more kids. You’re not permanently closing the door. I’m at the beginning of the baby-having chapter and wondering how long it will last and how many little ones our family will end up with.

    I like your new header! Your smirky photograph is quite fun & mischievous.

  • http://www.elizabethesther.com Elizabeth Esther

    Emily: coming to this place of peace was a process. It took months–almost a year, really. It took prayer. Talking. More prayer. Watching, observing our lives and thinking about the needs of our family. We always wanted at least 4 children. God gave us 5. Even still we are open to Him–without making any hard and fast rules for ourselves. Things change and plans change. I think it’s important to never say never because the truth is, we don’t really know for sure. There are no formulas, really. My mother says to hold things loosely, to not clinch your hand. And I think that’s a good way of describing it. I’m open, but I’m also recognizing that there are new needs and new adventures before us. I’m responding loosely. :) Does that help or make it worse? LOL. xo. EE.

  • http://www.clotheslinecontentment.wordpress.com Lydia

    I have four and while I was raised in a more QF home and had those aspirations for myself, with 4 at 25 years old I am desiring a little slowing. I would sob big crocodile tears if I truly believed we are done, or, if for any reason, we absolutely couldn’t have another child. But right now all I am hoping for is a bit of a rest, to let the older kids grow a bit and to have at least 1 year without the insane hormones!

  • http://www.lorimcktia.blogspot.com Lori McKenna

    Be careful what you do. Every time I gathered all the baby gear together and started taking it to the thrift and giving it away, after my wee cry, (which always took place), I ended up with another baby! However, after my 5th I did get that completed feeling. Then again, I never knew what God might have in store for me. I have known many people who said, in the end, “I wish I’d had more children,” but I’ve never known anyone to say, “I wish I hadn’t had these children”. You are blessed with a beautiful family; aren’t we so lucky to have them when so many cannot? I do love the look of your new blog. Very neat, clean and organized. Your old look was good as well. I’d love to have the three columns like you do but, alas, haven’t had time to figure it out as yet. Wishing you a wonderful weekend.
    Blessings!

  • http://faithandfood.morizot.net/ Scott Morizot

    “I use my words” cracked me up. Love it.

    My youngest recently turned 13 and it was an odd feeling to have no younger children or tweens for the first time in 28 years. I love seeing my children grow up and begin to live their lives as adults. But raising kids has been so much a part of my identity really since I was a kid myself (as a teen father), that it’s a little unsettling to see that season of my life drawing to a close.

  • http://mommyhoodbythehandful.blogspot.com/ kp

    Nothing wrong with getting a little weepy over saying goodbye to the baby stage! I’ve got five, too. None of them are biologically “ours,” though, so we’ve decided to try for one together in a couple years. After that, I’ll be closing up shop for good!

  • http://www.admafrica.blogspot.com Amy

    I especially love your new header. Great motto: I use my words.

    I hung onto my baby clothes for forever due to the fear that if I got rid of them I would get pregnant again. I was open to the of more kids but respectful that my husband as provider felt his faith went as far as 6 kids.

    Of course that is funny now with our 14 (and counting) foster kids.

  • http://ifmeadowsspeak.blogspot.com/ Tammy@If Meadows Speak….

    I do like the new look!

    Rest and enjoy these little humans while you still have them. Cherishing them is a challenge and a blessing.

  • http://quiveringdaughters.blogspot.com Hillary

    He holds you and your loved ones in His hands ~ go in peace.

    LOVE the blog makeover. And love YOU.

  • http://www.emergingmummy.com Sarah@EmergingMummy

    Love the new blog (but you knew that). :-)

    I think you’re fine to have a little/big cry. My youngest is weaning himself right now and every time he nurses at night, I can hardly see for the tears, just trying to remember every moment of it, you know? I don’t know that I’m done – we only have 2 – but even this shifting and changing is just that: change. I feel like we need to fully grieve and recognise and honour the passing of a season to really move forward in hope sometimes.

  • http://www.nebraskagraceful.blogspot.com Michelle at Graceful

    Love the new blog look — nice job!

    My good friend just had a baby last week…holding that little feather, all those emotions you describe so well came flooding back. But then when she described the sleep in 40-minute intervals she’d gotten the night before, I counted my blessings that my boys allow me a full night’s sleep!

  • http://www.seekingfaithfulnessblog.com Holly

    Rest is SOOOOO nice, EE. :)

    So nice to rest in His arms, believing that He will lead you and guide you – and that in so doing He’ll never lead wrong. :)

    Sweet peace to you!

  • http://www.oldhousekitchen.blogspot.com Carmen

    I love the new header! And I understand. I’m sighing right along with you.

  • http://www.jhsiess.com JHS

    I remember those days well, esp. because we were only going to have one child & the second was a “gift from God” (the meaning of his name, Matthew). So I took myself through the whole soul-searching “is one child enough?” routine only to have two anyway. Who says God doesn’t have a sense of humor?

    Flash forward to MattieBoo’s 18th birthday this past November. It’s a transition no one writes about, but it’s real. You wake up and find that all of your children are adults. You no longer have to sign the field trip permission slips or give the dr. consent to treat. It’s a shock to the system and yet another life passage calling for evaluation and perspective.

  • http://www.UsborneConnection.com Tressa

    Oh, Elizabeth, I did the same things. Gave away all the baby clothes, except for a few keepsakes. I cried the sweet, happy tears.

    mmm hmm. We are expecting in October.

  • http://papuagirlindallas.blogspot.com/ kacie

    Soo you might hate me for saying this, but that’s exactly what my mom and dad said. Five kids, finally a full quiver. They sent out a pink scented birth announcement for my sister titled “our final production”

    And two years later my youngest brother was born. Surprise! ;)

  • Stephanie Cole

    Just thought you might like to hear this little story. It’s obvious that you and your husband have come to this decision through much thought, talk and prayer. My husband and I have just learned that God’s hand is truly mightier than the hand of men (literaly). We have 5 children, our last two are twin girls. I was drawn to your blog because our families are so similar. Anyway, last year my husband had a vasectomy because we had reached our limit and were DONE. I proceeded to clean house and get rid of all the baby stuff as soon as the girls were done with things like the swing, bouncey, etc. When they were 9 months old I wasn’t feeling so great and thought I was just a little tired. Needless to say our 6th child is due in April and the twins will be one and a half. We’re surprised and excited (a little overwhelmed), but we know that God is the one who makes the final decision :) . (And a second vasectomy helps too ). He must have a special plan for this little baby boy.

  • Judith

    My husband and I have 4 children, now grown. I remember clearly that sense of “We’re done” and both our excitement and our sadness that it was indeed time.
    I also remember weeping the day we put our oldest on the bus with the Air Force recruiter to leave for basic training and 3 hours later put our youngest on the bus for his first day at kindergarten. What a day that was! Endings are also beginnings.
    Our youngest turned 20 last year and we rejoiced (and I teared up) that that ended 22 continuous years of parenting teenagers….. That ending means we now have very different (but very satisfying) relationships with our kids.
    I still occasionally look longingly at infants and little ones and miss having them daily in my life. But I do love this new phase in my marriage, being alone with my husband. And I am LOVING being a grandmother (I only wish our little guy lived closer.)
    Bless you all.