What to do when God goes out of business

Posted on February 7, 2010 by elizabeth

When I was little, God was sorta like a record-store owner: accessible and present and real like the music. But somewhere along the way, I got stuck with a scratched record, a repeating soundtrack in my mind:

You are not saved. You are not good enough.

I kept wanting to take that record back, exchange it for a good one but when I got there, the store was empty and an Out of Business sign was taped to the door. 

I guess everyone listens to God on iTunes now.

For a very long time, I thought I was stuck with that scratched record forever.

On Easter 2009, something happened to me and that repeating soundtrack just stopped–almost as if someone lifted the needle right off the scratched record. It has been silent for almost a year. 

At first, I thought it was a joke. Could it really disappear like that? I waited for the words to come back, for the fear to come back in like a rising tide. But it was gone. It is gone. 

I no longer worry about my salvation.

It's a surprising discovery, not unlike driving back to your old hometown and noticing that the junky crack-house has been torn down and now a cute little coffee shop is standing there. 

I mean, it's good. But dude. It's also a little disconcerting.

My therapist tells me that when chaos and confusion are the norm, it takes awhile for a PTSD sufferer like myself to get comfortable with stability. We're always waiting for the other shoe to drop, always living on high alert.

It has taken awhile for me to realize, oh! God didn't go out of business. He just quit selling records and now I've got this super cool iPod that has a new soundtrack on it.

That new soundtrack goes a little something like this: You are loved, you are loved, you are loved.

Sometimes I don't know how to deal with this new soundtrack. First of all, I'm not entirely sure I believe it. But I think that's my new mission: to start believing it.

Because for some reason, everywhere I go, He keeps repeating it. 

It gets a little sappy, really. It's all a little too much. OK, God. I get it. You love me in the sunshine, you love me in the rain. You love when I'm happy, you love me in my pain.

The craziest part of all is, I don't think I can screw this up. I mean, don't think I haven't tried. I have.

But then, there He is again: You are loved, you are loved, you are loved.

Which makes me think: well, OK then. I'm willing to make mistakes. Even publicly here on my blog. Sometimes I go too far. Sometimes I don't go far enough.

But maybe, also, making mistakes is how we learn about ourselves and about God.

Bear with me as I get used to this new soundtrack?  It's really kinda awesome.

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  • http://faithandfood.morizot.net/ Scott Morizot

    Hmmm. I’ve never had the slightest doubt that if this Christian God is the one revealed in Jesus of Nazareth, then he loved me (and everyone) unfailingly and without limit. It was this strange love I kept encountering that finally drew me into Christianity. As the Orthodox say, “He is a good God who loves mankind.”

    The question is never whether or not God loves me. It’s whether I will love him, whether I want him or not. Those who experience “hell” exist within the same reality as those who experience “heaven” and experience exactly the same thing from God — his love. For those who want his love, it is warmth and comfort and joy. For those who do not want it, who do not want God, existence in a reality in which God is all in all and his love is completely unveiled will be torture, for that love is also a consuming fire. It cannot be escaped.

    I know God loves me. Sometimes I’m still unsure if I love God. I know I often don’t act or think like it. Lord Jesus have mercy on me. The more I learn about and experience his love, though, the more I believe I really might love him. At least I pray I do.

    But I’ve never been stressed out or worried about it. Just aware. If Jesus is the fullness of the revelation of God, then I know he’s doing everything possible to save and redeem his whole creation, including me.

    I think what you described is part of my objection to the sort of emotional manipulation I’ve encountered sometimes in evangelicalism. Part of it seems designed to produce conversion (in psycho-social terms) by inducing fear. While that can be effective, I’m not convinced it has much to do with Christ.

  • anonymous

    Scott, your last statement is so astute. While we do need to be very clear about what our choices are, and their resultant consequences, the emotional manipulation tactics seem ill-advised at the least, and dangerous at best. I have yet to see an altar call given without the presence of emotion-inducing music, for example. How flat-let alone ‘effective’- would the typical altar call be without that? So, then, that begs the question about what is really propelling these ‘new converts’ and whether, indeed, and true and lasting conversion has really happened or just some type of spiritual ‘hallucination’.

    Also, I did try to respond to your final comments on the book discussion but the comments were closed-or closed to me-I am not sure which. Thanks for taking the time to provide your thoughts there.

  • http://alifeprofound.blogspot.com Cynthia

    EE,

    Just started reading your blog and I don’t really know your whole story but something here resonates with me.

    I am relearning my faith. A lot is packed into that short sentence but for the most part, I am at peace. Finally.

    I began to know God’s love for me but was still in the midst of the chaos for awhile and then quite a bit of time was spent in the destruction, ground zero so to speak. I couldn’t get my life to accurately represent what was in my heart. I am getting there now.

    Last week, I had a circumstance that took me back to the days when the arrows were flying and by that night, I was experiencing actual physical symptoms of PTSD. It was strange and disconcerting. But I weathered through and am back to my peace now.

    I will keep reading here and writing my own story as well.

    Grace and Peace,

    Cynthia

  • http://theextraordinaryordinary.blogspot.com Heather of the EO

    I’m so with you on this, lady. I feel as if I could have written this post. My husband actually even said to me once, “it’s like you’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop, like you’re afraid to just be happy, to just be loved.”

    uh huh.

    I’ve been trying to simply focus on ONLY God’s love for the last year or two, to soak in it and REALLY GET IT, but my mind sometimes gets in the way…a lot. It’s really hard to re-train your brain.

    I appreciate what Scott said, as well. I think I asked Jesus into my heart about 3000 times out of fear. It’s just simply the way I grew up. Now as we seek a new church after our move, I think of my boys so much as I listen to the tone of the places we visit, as I sense the Spirit or don’t…If there’s a fear-based mentality I’m SO hesitant to attend. Because I want my boys to know a love that blows their minds and makes them desire God because it’s contagious and it makes them want to be near Him always.

    We went to an evangelical church a couple of weeks ago and the youth pastor got up and told the congregation what a great night he and the teens had had the previous weekend…he talked about how he was concerned that they were getting apathetic to their faith so he showed The Passion of the Christ. Then a sweet girl, about sixteen got up and stared at the ground while she talked about her guilt and shame and unworthiness. I just wanted to cry.

    Now, dear Elizabeth readers, don’t get me wrong. I do understand that every person needs to really see what Jesus did for us on that cross. I get it. But I wonder if Jesus really wants it to be used that way…

    Sheesh, lately I write books in your comments. I should stick to email.

    Love to you,
    Heather

  • http://ifmeadowsspeak.blogspot.com/ Tammy@If Meadows Speak….

    When I first came back to the Lord, as an adult, this was one HE rained on me. LOVE. Not one I felt I deserved, yet HE kept showing it. It changed my life. I LOVE how HE loves!

    As for “waiting for the other shoe” to drop, my “other shoe” was similiar. Stability in my own relationships (as teenager and young adult) seemed actually boring. When I came back to the Lord to fully appreciate and WELCOMED stability. It’s my friend now and one I enjoy.

  • http://www.10minutewriter.com Katharine

    This post, coupled with the announcement that my abusive parents are coming to visit me in March, really spoke to me. I have PTSD too — and God is slowly healing me. If I were with you today, I’d want to flop on your couch and cry.

  • http://www.elizabethesther.com Elizabeth Esther

    Katharine: consider this an invitation to flop on my bloggy couch and cry! :)

    Heather: you are always welcome to write book in my combox. And yes, the hardest work I’ve ever done is re-training my brain. It’s exhausting!! But ultimately, so worth it, right?

    Cynthia: we can relearn our faith together….glad you’re here.

    Scott: just wanted to reiterate how much I appreciate your insights, here. Thank you for taking the time to pour yourself out in the comments.

    Anonymous: comments are not closed. I don’t know why you’re having trouble. Sometimes my blog has PMS. :)

  • http://www.mollypiper.com Molly Piper

    I was just reading some of my notes from a session with my mentor, and one of the quotes that grabbed by heart was:

    “What if we could be wounded, and instead of being judged, be loved?”

  • Kellie

    Wow. I can so relate to your post. I was in a cult/fundamental church my first year of college and it was emotionally, relationally, and educationally devestating. For so many years I thought something was wrong with me, that I was flawed in some way. I had so much emotional pain and turmoil, but I didn’t know why. None of the counselors I went to see did either. None of the things I was feeling made sense (unless you knew I had just left a cult). For years after that experience I couldn’t find God anymore. It was the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life. Last spring I did some research on this church on line and was amazed and relieved to find out that many other people have had the same experience I had and that I am not alone. As I have been processing this experience, God has been reaching out to me with much answered prayer and like you said, just letting me know He loves me. It is sometimes hard for me to comprehend after dealing with all the pain and as others said, “Waiting for the other shoe to drop.” I lived with that for many years. Daily, I am filled with awe and gratitude for God’s tender care.
    Thank you for your blog, Elizabeth, it has been bringing much comfort to my battered heart. :-)

  • http://colleenspiro.blogspot.com colleen

    Great post. It is a new soundtrack for me too. I started hearing it about 10 years ago and I am getting more used to it. I did a talk on “God is Love” just the other day at a day of prayer for Cursillo. I talked about how much God loves us and how we have a hard time internalizing that. Thanks for this post. God bless.

  • Maggie Dee

    Wow…”Waiting for the other shoe to drop”. That’s been my life motto until just a few years ago. One of the hardest things in my faith journey as an adult is resting in God’s love. I can so relate to the incessant tape recording of guilt.

    Really, truly understanding just how much God loves me has caused me to want to really know him and spend time with him instead of cowering in fear and dread of him. I too went up for about 3,000 alter calls out of fear. :-)

    Thanks for another great post!

  • http://papuagirlindallas.blogspot.com/ Kacie

    You know, I’ve never quite experienced those agonizing questions, but I do have friends that seem to never be able to get past them. I think you should write a post on things that we friends should say and not say to those that agonize over their salvation.

  • http://myseasonsoflife.blogspot.com mishel

    Hi EE…Ashleigh B.’s mom here. : )

    I am catching up on my blog reading before I head out to CO tonight to see my sweet girl and her little family.

    I loved this post. LOVED it. You know my ‘deal’…the past year, our church situation, ect… I am listening to a new soundtrack as well. And you are right. It’s awesome. : )

    Hugs!