Why socks deserve a special place in Hell

Posted on March 11, 2010 by elizabeth

When I was in college, I took a graduate level class on Dante. Lemme tell ya: Inferno was a whole lot more interesting than Paradiso. Although as far as my eternal destiny is concerned, I'm pretty certain I'll land somewhere in Purgatorio. There's just no way St. Peter is letting me right into Heaven, especially after I write this post.

Anyway, the point is, Dante forgot to make a special place in Hell for socks. And oh, oh how socks deserve Inferno!

Socks, those abominable creatures! They sneak away just when I need them most! Socks, whose absence gives me nightmares! Socks, who stress out my brain more than the FDIC admitting to balance sheet fraud!

This means, of course, that if the federal Government thinks it can cheat its way out of a Recession, there will be Hell to pay. And if the Sock Monster thinks he can eat my socks with impunity? Mark my words, there will be a reckoning.

Except socks deserve a lower circle in Hell because they annoy me every day while the Government only annoys me every other day.

I am responsible for the socks of seven people. Watch these smokin' math skillz: that is FOURTEEN FEET that must be shod with small matching pieces of cotton.

Need I go on?

This sock-induced insanity is enough to make a Christian woman cuss. Like every school morning when, one minute before leaving, the kids are still rooting through the dirty clothes/mismatched sock pile(s).

Here's what I'd like to know: why, WHY haven't disposable socks been invented yet? How is it that we have one-size-fits-all but no single-use-for-all? It's a moral outrage, that's what this is.

But apparently, socks are here to stay. And so are the seven people who must wear them. I'm trying to make my peace with this because ignoring the problem isn't working too well. I made this brilliant deduction after my mother, in her abundant loving- kindness, brought over like the millionth pack of new socks.  

And I was all: hmm…what IS the message here? 

It took me a few tries, but I finally figured it out: either my mother keeps buying new socks for me and my kids or I ACTUALLY SOLVE THIS PROBLEM.

This is how I solve my problems: I whine about it on Twitter. And my kind peeps on Twitter offered tips.

So, here's my new solution (thanks to a Twitter friend): one basket just for mismatched socks. Once a month I'll dump it out and see if enough random socks have landed there in order to make a few matches.

If that doesn't work? Well, I'm going back to ignoring the problem. Because by that time, summer will be here and my #1 rule for summer is: EVERYONE GO BAREFOOT!

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  • Kaycee

    You can also buy those clippy things and have the person wearing them clip them together when they take them off and before they toss them in the hamper. Then they go through the laundry together AND come out together already matched! My dad used to always use them when I was growing up. :)

  • http://revel217.blogspot.com/ WhiteStone

    My solution for self is to buy a dozen pair at one time, all of the same color. Makes for boring feet but when I wash I simply toss the clean socks in my drawer and grab two when I need them. No matching.

    Of course, my hubby likes to buy his OWN socks and in a variety of patterns and hence, to keep his drawer neat, I still match socks.

  • http://ifmeadowsspeak.blogspot.com/ Tammy@If Meadows Speak….

    YEP! I too have a basket just for random socks. But we too have the sock bandit in our house, and OH how I hate him.

  • Paula

    We do the sock Basket. Every few weeks we make a game out of who can come up with the most matches.

  • http://www.themanyfacesofsarahhankins.blogspot.com Sarah H.

    Mismatched socks are all the rage now, lol, haven’t you heard? Although I admit to letting my kids pick out their own mismatched socks for years now. I think a website to check is http://www.littlemissmatched.com and I’ve heard they carry mismatched socks at the high end dept stores as well. So, here’s to wearing mismatched socks! {:0)

  • http://thinkinggrounds.blogspot.com Christian H aka English Clergyman

    Matching socks are overrated. Really, the only important things are cleanliness and warmth. Well, I suppose they should fit, too.

  • http://sue-livingandlearning.blogspot.com/ Sue

    OOOOH! I hate socks, too! I am actually very much a cool weather type of gal, but nothing can make me long for nice, hot sandal weather more than my pile of unmatched socks! I have gone out the door more than a few times this winter with a couple of kids in unmatched socks.

    And, I have bad news for you. I have been trying the sock basket idea all winter long, and it just never seems to diminish in size. I do hope it works for you, though.

    I am very interested in Kaycee’s clip idea. Would you please tell me what kind of clip can I use that will make it through the washer without coming loose?

  • http://MeditativeMeanderings.blogspot.com Susanne Barrett

    My problem isn’t so much missing socks as it’s the fact that my boys wear through them in, like, a single week. I swear that I JUST bought them each a new package (they each like a different style, so I know whose are whose) when they’re walking around with holey socks AGAIN.

    I mean, how many packages of socks can a boy wear through each year? Absolutely ridiculous.

  • http://mainelymyles.blogspot.com Jo@Mylestones

    Hilarious post. It stands to reason that you might benefit from Anger Management counseling for your sock hostility. This is the part where we tell you to forgive those cottony bastards 7X70, or 7 X 2 X Infinity, in the case of your family’s sock quota. (Sorry about the swearing, but don’t tell me you weren’t thinking it!) :-)

  • http://www.minthegap.com MInTheGap

    I do the two color thing– I have black for dress clothes, white for jeans. Pretty much the standard in my house except for the two girl– my wife and daughter have all sorts of colors.

  • audrey

    We always had a mismatched sock basket in our house, and once a month my mom would pay someone 5-10 cents per pair for dumping them all out and finding the matches.

    It was always a great chore for late elementary hands, and usually netted us a dollar or two. (We were sorting socks for nine.)

  • http://profile.typepad.com/paulmerrill1 Paulmerrill

    Solution: everyone in the house wear the same size, style & color of socks.

  • Melissa

    my solution is ‘get two socks, I don’t care if they match’. Hubby isn’t so crazy about this solution, but I figure there are a lot more important things matching socks. It’s also fun to see my girls with one with pink hearts, and the other with purple flowers =)

  • http://www.admafrica.blogspot.com Amy

    I too started the sock basket. It has grown into two large boxes–all still unmatched and now probably most don’t fit my kids anymore. We would find more motivation for the problem if we weren’t barefoot most of the time–the joys of life in the bush.
    I thought when I moved into the African jungles that I would have plenty of time to do things like sort socks and would even call them fun due to extreme boredom. No such luck!

  • http://www.notyouraveragemommy.com Jess

    Oooooo I feel your pain! Much credit goes to you for attempting matches! I love the disposable sock idea someone needs to get on that. Oh and hooray for no socks in the summer!

  • http://acts17verse28.blogspot.com/ NCSue

    WhiteStone’s idea sounds like a winner to me – multiple pairs of identical socks.

  • http://profile.typepad.com/hamletsmith Hamletsmith

    Socks are some important work. Soldier on!

  • http://www.oldhousekitchen.blogspot.com Carmen

    Since we live in northern Indiana we are plagued with sock issues from September until April. I feel your pain. *sigh*

  • Jennifer

    My husband decided to come up with a solution for our home. He threw out everything that wasn’t white, then he purchased one size of white for our 3 girls and he and I wear the same kind of white. All we have to find now is white in adult or white in child size. Even with this solution, I am still scrambling for clean socks every morning.

  • http://orryally.livejournal.com Sally

    Someone posted about those “clippy things,” which I have no idea what they are, but I heard somewhere that plain old clothespins can be washed with no problems with staining or hurting the washer. The problem would be training the kids to clip the socks they take off, but maybe the older ones can do it. I haven’t tried it yet as my oldest is just 4.