A necessary death

Posted on April 11, 2010 by elizabeth

IMG_0109  I let myself fall apart. Except I'm a mother, I have to fall apart responsibly. It's like one minute I'm sobbing tears and the next minute I'm swabbing rears, you know?

This is how it goes for mothers. We don't have the luxury of taking a leave of absence from our lives. We must make do.

Last week it was like a gigantic seam ripper came tearing through my life, undoing all the hard work of holding myself together. I stood there in all my embarrassing exposure, finally admitting that I'd lost my joy.

Here's what astonishes me: you told me I'm not alone.

THANK GOD, I'm not alone.

For the first time since the twins were born, I just let myself feel the need, the brokenness, the absolute inability to be The Mother I Used To Be. Or the Mother I Want To Be. Or The Mother I Think My Kids Need.

I let all that go.

We went down to the beach and I stood underneath the pier, watching the waves crash around the pilings. It was cold and cloudy with a brisk onshore breeze. The waves were high and I felt a thrill of terror as the waves pounded up the pier corridor.

That's when it came to me. I'm right where I'm supposed to be.

I'm standing at the edge of risk. The vast immensity of responsibility was never my burden to bear alone. And also, I was never supposed to be The Mother I Want to Be. That figment of my imagination was not within my control anyway.

My children don't need that mother. They just need me, broken, vulnerable, utterly incapable me.

My children don't love me because I do a great job of propping up my put-together life. Maybe they love meIMG_0105 unconditionally. Maybe they love me in my messiness, my disappointments, my weakness. 

And what if (scandalous thought), God wants me in my failures and brokenness? Because only when I'm in this place am I willing to surrender, to admit I can't do it all.

This is what makes me think The Mother I Want To Be needed to die. And being overwhelmed with five children was the only way for that to happen. 

This past weekend, I let her go. I let her die.

I'm right where I'm supposed to be.

And maybe, just maybe all is well.

This entry was posted in Childbearing, Grief&Loss, Parenting--toughest job out there, Twins!!. Bookmark the permalink.
  • Katie_campbell@live.com

    Elizabeth, thankyou so much for sharing this. I am an unmarried and childless woman but I can totally relate with your feelings, albeit in a totally different way! In my case, I’ve had to let my notions of “The Life I Want to Live” die, and trusting that God will resurrect me into something much better than what I would have planned or created from my own resources. Bless you!

  • http://www.UsborneConnection.com Tressa

    Funny, how once we let SuperMom go, it gets easier to set boundaries and say no. I’ve been able to slowly bring back a few things/activities that I found joy in. And still have boundaries. A very slow process, but worthwhile.

    Thank you, for sharing.

  • Monica

    Just wanted to say once again you were the exactly right words at the exactly right time. Thank you!

  • http://www.firefeet4him.blogspot.com/ Dale

    Have you ever heard the song “Resurrection” by Nicol Sponberg? I think it’s the perfect song for your situation.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4t8Sk6cZ-PA

  • http://laladyinwhite.blogspot.com colleen

    our weakness is God’s strength. He said it Himself :) the importance of allowing myself to simply FEEL grief, disappointment and ache has been a long, difficult and amazing process for me. especially this past year…and i have to believe He will be faithful to finish what He’s started. <3

  • Kat

    I think the only thing better than your post about losing the joy of mothering was the comments that came afterwards. People were so real, none of the “You can do all things who Christ who strengthens you!” peptalk crap that some Christians unfortunately spew in the face of someone else’s pain/suffering/falling apart.

    I think it was one of the most spiritual things I’ve ever read.

  • http://deepwatersbubblingbrook.wordpress.com/ Melissa

    Great lesson learned through your trial!

    Your post reminded me that I just came through that dark place myself. From the moment I opened my eyes, I yearned for bedtime, to put the kids down, and just sit with myself, in my misery. I only have 3 thus far, the youngest just turned 1.

    I can totally relate to the lack of joy. I really didn’t like my kids, for months and months. I hated that I didn’t like them, but couldn’t seem to shake the funk. I too realized that my brokenness brought me to my knees.

    I was encouraged by your openness and honesty in that:
    1. I was not alone
    2. I was reminded that God brought me out of that place just recently (how quickly we forget!!)

    Blessings to you!

  • http://flourishingmother.blogspot.com Andrea

    And what if (scandalous thought), God wants me in my failures and brokenness?

    Why is that scandalous? (or why do we think that is scandalous?) It’s scandalous to think we *should* be perfect. (whatever that is.) Perfect is imperfect. So God can make it perfect the best way He knows how. =) You sound so better!

  • http://quiveringdaughters.blogspot.com Hillary

    I think that you are in the best place you can be, for when we embrace our brokenness the Healer is free to do His work.

    Beautiful things are just down the lane, Elizabeth dear. <3

  • http://www.tina.thejobes.com Tina

    Elizabeth Esther,

    I came from Amy’s and have read your blog off and on for a while. I can really relate to your struggles. I have 6 children and I’m not the mother I once was either. However, I love Jesus more. I depend on Him more than I did when I “could handle it myself.” I had 4 children under 4 years old when my twins were born. The Lord knew I needed to be overwhelmed so I would out of necessity learn to trust Him. Your precious twins won’t have the same mom your oldest had at their age and that is ok! I have a 2 year old now and while I don’t do puppet shows and play-doh, I cherish each moment with her. I don’t sweat the small stuff like I did with my oldest (who’s now 14). My youngest has an older, less entertaining mommy… but a more relaxed one. I know that the Lord knows my needs and the needs of my children and He provides! He gently leads those who have young… and we need to be gentle with ourselves. Also, love multiplies! My teens now bake pretty cakes, make play-doh and bless my younger children with things/activities that I use to do. I want to still do it all, but that is not possible with all that is on my plate. I’m seeing in my inability to be the mother I once was, God is teaching my children to be creative and serve joyfully. I love this post! You are hearing the Lord and responding to His gentle leading! You are right where you need to be! God is so good! Blessings!

  • http://ifmeadowsspeak.blogspot.com/ Tammy@If Meadows Speak….

    R.I.P.: “The Mother I Want To Be”. Because sometimes being a mother is about surviving. And it’s ok. Surviving has it’s season but in it we grow. So glad you found your peace and let it go!

  • Sarah

    I love the post. I can definitely relate. Thank you for sharing!Blessings.

  • http://www.withcontentment.blogspot.com Mel

    That is a great follow up post!!!!!!
    It’s a hard thing to admit and it seems we cycle like this as mothers. It’s so nice to be in the place where it’s ok to not be ‘the mother you’re supposed to be’. The kids just want plain old Mom anyway and God makes us beautiful in the process if we let Him ‘break’ us.
    Take care and thanks again for sharring openly!

  • http://c-writing.blogspot.com C…

    I can see how we put pressure on ourselves that our kids don’t even consider a pre-requisite for loving us. It’s the demands we place on ourselves that soon are transferred onto them that sometimes change that relationship into resentment.

  • http://sarahjoyalbrecht.com Sarah Joy Albrecht

    I am comforted to know that Christ came to the end of Himself for our sake.

    Phil. 2:5-11 Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death—
    even death on a cross! Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth,and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

  • http://heart-and-home.net Ashleigh (Heart and Home)

    Yes. Just… yes. You are just leaving me speechless in these posts, which you know isn’t easy to do.

    And I agree with Kat, the only thing better than the posts was the comments in that last one. No cliche, no pats on the back. Just truth. I love that your blog breeds that kind of atmosphere.

  • http://lisaspence.com Lisa writes…

    “And what if (scandalous thought), God wants me in my failures and brokenness? Because only when I’m in this place am I willing to surrender, to admit I can’t do it all.”

    Yes, He does! A hard lesson indeed, one I find myself learning over and over and over again…yet it is my brokenness the Lord wants, not my strength! Like Paul I can boast, even delight, in my weakness because it is then that the Lord shows Himself strong and sufficient on my behalf! Glory to His name! I can’t be all I should and ought but He can…and does…

  • http://www.constantrecourse.com jessica mell

    Woven themes: your post today and ann voskamp’s @ http://www.aholyexperience.com !

    at least in my brain. :)

    thanks, elizabeth!

  • Maggie Dee

    Letting go of that Hallmark version of motherhood is the first step toward sanity. You are exactly the Mom God had planned for your children and they are exactly the children he had planned for you. They don’t need some hybrid mix of June Cleaver, Betty Crocker & Martha Stewart. They just need you.

    Motherhood…the craziest, most heart wretching job on the planet! How anyone does it without God, I’ll never know.

  • http://www.musingsofacatholiclady.blogspot.com/ Michelle

    Thank you SO MUCH for this post. I feel this way often, but I need to let THE MOTHER I WANT TO BE DIE, too. She should be replaced with the mother GOD wants me to be. And that mother changes with the circumstances God sends me, at least that is what I think. Love your blog.

  • http://lauriemo.blogspot.com Laurie M.

    I appreciate your openness. None of us have it together. We need each other. God created us to depend on others, and for others to depend on us. Accept all the help you need. Remember, the Proverbs 31 woman hired servants and she used them. She got out of the house and participated in a number of ventures. You can do this too.

    We all need to do what you’re doing – quitting the “role”-playing. We are not acting out parts in a play, or a reality show about the perfect Christian mothers. We are real sinners in desperate need of real grace every day of our lives, and in desperate need of each other.

    May the Lord bring you rest, comfort, and freedom.

  • Rae

    Beautiful.

  • Charis

    OMg, I LOVE that picture of you. I’m not usually one that gushes about the emotion under the surface in a pic, but there’s something about this one… and the one of the piers I just want to blow up and put on my wall.

  • Libby

    I followed a link to this post from Sarah Joy Albrecht. I am so glad she shared because I needed to read this! I don’t know you and have never seen your blog before but I had to let you know that God used you to encourage me.
    I am right where I am suppose to be and God is at work!

  • http://www.sgh2.blogspot.com Dallass

    I love your honesty. I am slowly letting The Mother I Want to Be go. Its hard. Sometimes I’m white-knuckled & stubborn not wanting to REALLY let go. Thanks for the encouragement to let go and embrace the path of motherhood that God has set before me. You are awesome!

  • Sarah

    I havevone child and am completely overwhelmed. I went away for a few days and dreaded coming home. My first day home I cried all day, “I hate this job.”. It is about surviving for me right now. Very broken.

  • mary ann

    I think women are more beautiful when they become vulnerable. Also they are more loving and forgiving of others.