Betraying the ideal of Perfect Christian Family

Posted on April 28, 2010 by elizabeth

YellowRose Yesterday the doctor told me all my tests were clear. I have a clean bill of health. 

My first thought was: thank you, Lord.

My second thought was: Oh, God. Please no.

I know it might sound strange, but I wanted IT, whatever IT is, to be something identifiable, something diagnosable. That is, something medically wrong. A vitamin deficiency, some kind of disease.

Not "just" exhaustion. Not actual depression.

That's too humiliating. And also, according to the voices of my past, not real. Exhaustion and depression aren't real problems–they're symptoms of weak faith, of failure to trust God.

In radical fundamentalism (and perhaps in many Christian groups), a Christian mother suffering under the weight of physical and mental exhaustion is an embarrassment. She has sort of betrayed the cause. She's bringing shame to the image of the Ideal Christian Family. 

This is why I would rather my physical problems be anything other than "just" exhaustion. 

But that's what this is. And part of this whole process is about learning to accept what is. It's also about honesty, truth and laying aside prideful pretense.

I don't need to pretend anymore. I used to live by formulas and idealism. I thought that if I just did x,y and z, I would be guaranteed a certain result. I bought the lie of Perfect Motherhood because I wanted it to be true.

A friend told me that when people are confronted with the cracks in their formulas, either they try to cover it up with more formulas or they come clean.

I'm not going to cover my brokenness up with more formulas.

This is me, coming clean.

This is me exhausted. This is me depressed.

This is me willing to do whatever it takes to get better.

———————————————————————-

 

This entry was posted in Depression, Parenting--toughest job out there, RecoveringFundamentalist. Bookmark the permalink.
  • Michelle Hart

    ((((Elizabeth)))) thank you for posting this, for being honest. I too have believed that “Exhaustion and depression aren’t real problems–they’re symptoms of weak faith, of failure to trust God.” And I am here with the exhaustion and going through a cycle of depression…yet again. But I love God and I know he loves me and I know that he’s with me, with you, and with anyone else who is going through this. I haven’t yet found a scripture that says that our faith is only acceptable if we don’t suffer from depression or exhaustion. And I am so thankful for that…and for the honesty of your blog.

  • http://www.katieballard.wordpress.com Katie

    You might not feel brave, but you are brave for facing it head-on. You might be sorry for a while, but in the end…you’ll be so glad.

  • http://bellwhistlemoon.blogspot.com/ mary bailey

    Bless you for your honesty, sweetheart. You are giving a voice to what many, many of us have also experienced.

  • http://findandfound.wordpress.com jessica mell

    As I read through your post, I kept making a sometimes inward, sometimes audible “mmm” with softness in my heart.

    I love ya.

    Bless you; may you be blanketed above and below with grace. May you feel that blanketing!

    I pray that the “doing” involved in getter better would be continued collapse into the cupped hand of God. For now, especially…when the impulse is to keep mustering up strength and marching on through.

    I’m thankful that you are sharing and exposing this journey with all of us, welcoming us into it–not tucking it away. Thank you for mothering me in doing so! (I want to do the same with my hypothetical future children and current friends, as it’s what I always wanted from my parents as a child.)

  • http://revel217.blogspot.com/ WhiteStone

    I’m in my 60s and looking back I remember that I, too, had times of depression. Some I could lay to specific events (really nasty humongous upheavals of life). Some possibly to the hormonal changes of early menopause. Some due to poor thinking. Three hard years of depression. May I say that it wasn’t easy! It hurt. It was hard.

    Having said that…I hope your doc took a complete blood series and not just white and red blood counts. I’m thinking specifically of thyroid but there are other things in the blood that can be checked.

    And having said that…when my thinking went awry and my thoughts became self-accusing, I had to simply (no, it wasn’t simple to do) change my thinking and recognize that I was beloved of God, covered with his grace and his righteousness. That I could stop striving so hard to be “something” (whatever I thought that I should have been, and simply “be” in the moment what I already was…beloved, accepted, made clean, made righteous. All the works of God being done in me, through me, for me, but not BY ME. I began to realize that my “cleanness”, my “righteousness”, was something that God gives to me. I should say, “gave” to me, for the giving was done at the cross.

    I am a broken creature, broken by the sin that Adam brought into the world. And as such, I am lost. BUT! In my brokenness…God made me clean and called me, chose me, made me already what I am foolishly trying to make myself. Clean. It is done. It is a done deal. It is done by God. And not by me.

    Ephesians 1:4 For he chose us in him BEFORE the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight.

    Ephesians 2:4 But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5 made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved

    The work is God’s work. Not ours. We are the recipients of His work on our behalf. The recipients of His grace. We are not the earners of grace. We freely receive what He does in us and for us. He works. We rest in his work already done.

    Rest. Rest in his love. Rest.

    And if you are dealing with some physical thing, I hope that you will be able to find the cause, and then the remedy.

    Bless you.
    P.S. I don’t mind if you choose not to post this comment. It’s long.

  • http://thatguykc.wordpress.com ThatGuyKC

    Your transparency and vulnerability are inspiring. Keep leaning on your man take care of yourself.

    And there is no such thing as “just exhaustion”. You’re a finite human being and will run out of energy if you don’t stop, take a long, deep breath and refuel.

    Btw, those proverbial “super moms” can stuff it! ;-)

  • Stephanie

    I think God is undoing the belief systems of your upbringing. Peeling back the layers to exchange the lies for the truth that yet while we were sinners Christ died- no, ifs ands or buts… no formula to achieve to, except raw, real here I am and his love for you! And between you and me I don’t know where this is found in Isaiah.. (and I am a PK) :) and I have searched for you these few weeks and prayed for you. ” The Lord is close to those who are mothering their young”> My formula began to crumble when the Lord took two babies home first instead of letting me hold them. The Lord peeled back my layers of confidence I had instilled in being a good, Christian girl, instead of him being my all in this life. Concepts I had heard my whole life, and believed in my mind, but not in my heart until through the pain Christ walked me through it, sweetly while I was broken. I pray that praise will be on your lips as you travel this next leg of your journey- Our God is good and loving and I pray that you will see his face, his beauty and his love for you would flood over you like you have never experienced it in your life.

  • http://www.halfwaytonormal.com/ Kristin T. (@kt_writes)

    I’m so glad you’re coming clean! I realized, a few months ago, that I was being open on my blog and in my life about all sorts of messy matters—divorce, anger at God, being rejected by a church community, etc—but I had never “come clean” about my struggle with depression. Why was that so ugly and shameful to me?

    I think you hit on it here: “Exhaustion and depression aren’t real problems–they’re symptoms of weak faith, of failure to trust God.” Breaking through that and writing a post about depression was a huge relief for me, and a big encouragement for others. A few readers even brought up this direct tie between depression and faith/church, which I hadn’t spent much time contemplating before.

    Now I’m working through it all, in my head, in my writing, and in conversation. Like you, I’m finally open to doing “whatever it takes to get better.” You have helped me in that process—I hope I can help you, too.

  • http://www.laundryandlullabiesblogspot.com Emily

    Elizabeth, if your doctor thinks it would help, do try medication. I am finding it to be an amazing blessing. I wish it hadn’t taken me ten years to try it.

  • http://www.elizabethesther.com Elizabeth Esther

    I’m going in for another doctor visit on Friday. At this point, I’m open to any and all options. Thanks for sharing your experience.

  • http://www.elizabethesther.com Elizabeth Esther

    You’re absolutely right. God is definitely undoing the belief systems of my childhood. Yep. It’s painful but it’s good. All so very good.

  • http://www.elizabethesther.com Elizabeth Esther

    I welcome novel-length comments. Yours included. Thank you for the kind and encouraging words. Needed that!

  • http://www.elizabethesther.com Elizabeth Esther

    “Mmmm” to you, too. :) ((hugs)) Thanks, Jessica. Here’s to collapsing into Everlasting Arms.

  • http://www.elizabethesther.com Elizabeth Esther

    Thanks, KC. I appreciate you.

  • Shelby

    In my own battle, I had to learn to accept that even though depression wasn’t always a physical illness or hurt, like a broken leg or cancer diagnosis, it was still a medical problem. It took some time to accept, as I too was surrounded by those that believe illnesses like depression are simply a sign of a lack of faith. But just as I wouldn’t ignore a broken leg, I had to seek medical help for my very real, although not outwardly recognizable, diagnosis of depression. I’ll be praying that this change of thought toward depression is an easy one for you to make.

  • http://MeditativeMeanderings.blogspot.com Susanne Barrett

    Yes, I wish I had “come clean” with my exhaustion and not kept spackling the cracks of the ivory-towered walls.

    Now I have chronic fatigue syndrome (some doctors have called it fibromyalgia, some rheumatoid arthritis). I was wheelchair-bound for several years, starting at age 36. I am still on daily narcotics for the constant pain, walk with a cane, still need a wheelchair for long days at the zoo, etc.

    And I’m still overworking, trying to “be all to everyone.”

    You’re a smart woman to call a stop, to get off the dizzying merry-go-round. I wish I could–I just can’t. My kids love being homeschooled and hate traditional school with a vengeance (they’ve been there when I was really sick), so I homeschool them–which also means teaching two co-op classes. I need to work part-time to help with finances, so I teach online classes. The merry-go-round just never stops. I was working until almost 3:30 AM on my online classes and got up at 9 to homeschool kids. I worked until 1 AM the night before.

    My ideal is to spend a week in a monastery this summer and regather my scattered wits. And nap a lot.

  • http://www.heathershodgepodge.blogspot.com Heather

    Thanks for being open and honest. When my son was born, I was in a REALLY bad place mentally for months. And I didn’t seek help because others around me said “Christians don’t get depressed.” But as you know, they can – and they do. My depression caused me to have a crises of faith and I truly thank God that I didn’t do anything rash during that time.

  • Rachel

    Exhaustion, depression, chronic fatigue, etc. are also linked to PTSD. PTSD can be triggered by sights, smells, changes in the weather, hormonal changes, anniversary dates, etc. The hard anniversary you spoke about last winter coming close to the time you were turned down regarding your book would seem to be a possible trigger. Also, hypervigilence is often the first response to a trigger. That leads to exhaustion and depression. That is very true for me.

    I think of you often. I am glad to see you are not dismissing the importance of honoring this physical body/person that God has given you.

  • Deborah L

    How sad that there are people out there who say that depression and exhaustion amongst Christian women are wrong. I have personally never heard this, thank goodness. I would be livid. How can a mother-of-five NOT be exhausted? I have four and I am trying, trying to keep my head above water at times! My husband and I are getting away tomorrow for our first getaway in 8 years (for 4 days). Of course, I feel guilty. But, I’m sure the guilt will dissipate once I’m snug in our hotel room tomorrow. :) I remember a post awhile back where you went and visited your sister and felt such rejuvenation. Is it possible at all to just get away for a bit again? I’m not saying this cures everything. Depression is a medical condition that needs to be treated. I just think that you deserve some time on your own! I happen to know several lovely Christian people who are taking anti-depressants and are feeling a world of difference. I certainly think that the old stigma is quickly falling by the wayside. (I’m a nurse, though, so I tend to look at things slightly differently.) You are making huge strides recognizing what is happening – that’s awesome. Please forgive me if I sound at all intrusive. Hugs to you!

  • Joanie

    I too thought I just needed to pray more to get out of depression. Now I know that outside help, meds and taking better care of myself (still working on that one) are key too. Keep on journaling, writing and blogging! Not only will you get your thoughts out and have catharsis, but you are truly blessing others for talking about this all to often stigmatized condition.

    I think of you often! I know you will heal. You truly will come out of it – you’re on the right track!

  • http://muehlingfamily.blogspot.com Kimberly

    Hi Elizabeth,

    I just stumbled upon your blog and must say that I am hooked! Nothing like the sick ministering to the sick. Such a breath of fresh air and understanding! (I’m going on 8 years of clean tests- likely have CFS/ME with FM) The best thing that I have learned is that clean tests are emotionally horrible- oh to just be sick with something that others will understand! However, a clean test just means that there isn’t a test yet for what you have.

    I also come from the land fundamentalism where exhaustion doesn’t count- even more so because I am a women. (Why is it that guys are allowed to get sick, but women are weak if we are afflicted?) I have also struggled to redefine my world and my view of myself and relationships. I’m getting there. I’m no longer hovering near depression. I have begun to find my worth apart from my ability to do. (Not saying that the days friends, or my mother, say “I’m so sorry for your husband” don’t make me want to crawl into a tiny dark hole!)

    Anyways, enough rambling.
    I’m praying for you.

  • http://www.deanabirks.com Deana Birks

    I was a teenager when I had my first bought with depression. My dad believed then, and probably believes to this day, that if I would just “get right with God” it would go away. It didn’t.

    This spring I have tried to ignore another onset. Why now? Why when the sun is shining and the weather is warming up and everything is supposedly going well in my world?

    I wish I had something positive or uplifting to say. I hate to leave a downer comment. But…ugh. I know what depression feels like and that we’re not “supposed to” be weak like this. If we could just think happy thoughts and motivate ourselves out of it, it would not be depression.

  • http://profile.typepad.com/morningstarr Dina

    I too have struggled with not getting an actual diagnosis for some of the symptoms I’ve had since Emmanuelle’s birth. Doctor after doctor would tell me, maybe it’s just stress. I always associated stress with panic, anxiety, FREAKIN’ OUT! so I continued to repeat adamantly: “I am not stressed. I feel completely calm and do not act irrationally. Find out what is REALLY wrong with me, OR ELSE!” Ok, turns out I was stressed-that the physical toll of turning out so many babies in so short a time does have repercussions on your body AND mind! Regardless of my ability (or, inability as determined by each day) to handle my life, busy as it was, the toll was felt and I’ve come to grips with stepping back, stepping away. (on a personal note: this means for our family that we are taking steps away from what we have always been involved with, you know what I mean! yay!) The freedom, the joy, the grace that invaded my life once I let go has been transformative! Yes, on a daily basis I still have stress but not the additional stress of all I thought I had to carry, only what my precious Savior asks of me. Which really is such a light and easy burden! Mtt. 11:28-30 Love you, lady!

  • http://ayoungmomsmusings.blogspot.com/ Young Mom

    I’m familiar with that view of depression. Whenever I mention my 3 year bout of depression as a teen my mom says something to the effect of “O but then we found out that the only real problem was your food allergies”. I think they are still in denial about my feeling suicidal at 17.

  • Canadian Leanne

    Saying the words are probably the hardest thing of all time. “I’m tired, I can’t stop crying”. Unfortunately, my doctor told me to come back in 2 weeks and see how I feel then. Crushing doesn’t even begin to describe how I felt in that moment! Some people just don’t know how to respond~even some doctors. I researched natural supplements to help with mood and settled on St John’s Wort. For me, it made a big difference. I can know tell the difference when I have not taken them for a few days in a row. It’s a personnal choice to take medication or not~ again, whatever works for you. Small steps is all that I can advise. Pick one goal each day and try and accomplish it ( ie. wash and dry hair, put on makeup, do yoga) That’s what got me through some pretty dark days but again, saying the words was the first step.
    I wish you luck in this trying time. You are loved and worthy of being happy.

  • http://catholicmomsjourney.blogspot.com LLMom

    Thank you for sharing. I know what you are going through. After 7 live births and feeling utterly exhausted and down, I went to the doctor and found out I have anxiety issues and depression. I too, didn’t want to do medication, but am so glad I gave it a try. I feel like a new woman. I forgot what it was like to feel this way. Normal to me meant massive sleep depravation, being grumpy and sad, and not able to make decisions. I am learning to take care of myself first so I can nurture my family.

  • Laura N.

    I dealt with burnout and exhaustion for years. (I also have twins!) For me, the root of it ended up being adrenal insufficiency and previously undiagnosed Celiac disease. I would say that adrenal or thyroid issues (or both) are likely candidates here. You can read a whole lot about it online.

    HTH a little!

  • Rachel

    Wow, Elizabeth! Thanks so much for your honesty. I struggle with feelings of depression and being overwhelmed, and I’ve only got two kids. My husband is a priest, so that feeling of being visible and not wanting to let all the problems show is so strong. But I get worse when I’m not real. A few months ago, I was totally on the brink, and I finally had to admit that something had to change. It was so hard to let go of being superwoman! I’m so glad I finally admitted to being a mere mortal, though. Prayers for you as you search for peace.

  • http://www.capture-weddings.com Jen

    look at this post on another blog I read; real life mothering seems to be the theme of late! http://lotsofscotts.blogspot.com/2010/04/real-life.html

  • http://lauriemo.blogspot.com laurie

    Letting go of the “myth” and stopping trying to pound that square peg will likely be the first step to recovery. Of course, when I gave up that, I found myself in a swirl of uncertainty for a time – having those established laws seems simple, until you’re suffocated and beaten down by them. Freedom seems confusing and scary, but with God’s help I believe you’ll finally find rest.

  • elizabeth

    I know exactly what you mean about the mixed feelings at your doctor’s conclusion. :/ Hopefully it is nothing that some rest, time, and inner workings won’t cure.

    In my case, though, the doctors were wrong. My health kept spiraling downward (they thought I was a hypochondriac) until I began researching it on my own. Turns out I had a host of minor problems that were indeed caused by one or two major problems: celiac disease and adrenal fatigue. I never was so excited to find out that I had a disease! ;) It was so…. validating.

    Anyway, I do hope that you have a clean bill of health and start improving. But if you don’t, just remember that doctors don’t have the last word and ultimate authority any more than a cult does. ;) May the Lord give you peace as you take it all one step at a time.