Death of a SuperMom

Posted on April 23, 2010 by elizabeth

BeachMom  I don't know what happened between my mother's generation and mine but I'd just like to say: I'm getting off this train. Because if I don't, I'm gonna get run over.

Somewhere along the line–say early 90's?–it wasn't enough to just be a regular at-home mom. I'm not going to point fingers, but I knew something had drastically changed when I read a mom newsletter about being a Professional Mom. It was written by high-powered career women who'd decided to quit their jobs and bring all their corporate, organizational experience home.

Honestly, part of me really wishes they'd just kept their day jobs. Because holy hell, now I can't even watch Oprah without feeling guilty for not creating spreadsheets for my kids' schedules instead.

It used to be that kids came home from school and were let to run around the neighborhood until the streetlights came on. My mom used to let me run free and I didn't check in with her for hours.

I mean, I get it. We have stalkers and child molesters and all kinds of freaky pedophiles out there–so we have to be careful. But honestly? That's not the real reason moms my age can't catch a break.

The real reason is that at-home moms feel like they have to be Professional Moms. Which means: shuttling their kid to every manner of music lesson, math tutor, language lessons, cooking classes, horse-riding, soccer, baseball, cotillion.

A Professional Mom is always on. This is how she proves her worth. She oversees and manages every single second of her child's life. Because if she doesn't, her kid might not…what? Be successful.

And nothing scares the Professional Mom more than her kid going to junior college. Or (gasp!) taking some time off school to back pack through Europe.

Or, God forbid, live.their.own.life.

[Sidebar: do Ivy League schools charge so much money simply because they can? Simply because they know there are Professional Moms out here busting their asses to make sure their kid gets a 1600 on the SAT?]

So, she sits with her kid and does homework every night (to make sure she's academically competitive), she shuttles her kid around to every conceivable extra-curricular activity (to make sure she's well-rounded) and devotes every spare moment of her waking hours to insuring her child has the competitive edge.

I like to call this craziness: bottom-line parenting. Everything the Professional Mom does is driven by the bottom-line–how will this profit my kid?

The catch is that this creates an extraordinary load of guilt. The Professional Mom lives in abject terror of
IMG_3949   failure. She doesn't want to "regret" the "little time" she has with her kids. 

This is made worse in Christian circles where a working mother is almost on par with a hooker. Actually, it's worse. A Christian woman can feel compassion for a hooker. But a working mother? Well, tsk, tsk. Clearly, her PRIORITIES are all wrong. HASN'T SHE READ TITUS 2????

So, here's my question: is it really POSSIBLE to regret-proof your life? I doubt it. That's like saying it's possible to live a mistake-free life. 

I'm fully convinced that my kids will grow up to resent something about what I did/didn't do. I imagine them sitting in therapy talking about how their mother forgot to pick them up from school and how that negatively affected their ability to form lasting personal relationships. NEVERMIND THAT I STAYED HOME WITH THEM ALL THOSE YEARS.

I'm not advocating a wholesale dumpage of kids into full-time daycare. I'm just saying that the "ideal" of the at-home mother is not all it's chalked up to be.

My mom worked full-time. I was her first priority, but I was not the sole source of her life and happiness. She had a life. And I got to be part of it. 

Yeah, there was a time when I resented the fact that she never baked homemade cookies for me. But I've grown up and am so grateful that my mother is completely happy in her own life with her own friends and her own colleagues. I like it that way. I admire her for it.

Look, maybe it's possible to be a Professional Mom when all you've got is one kid. But I don't. I've got five. There's just no way I'm gonna be able to provide that level of Professional Parenting to all five of my kiddos.

What I do know is that I love them and we have a rollicking good time together. The best gift I ever gave my kids was the gift of their siblings, not me as their Professional Mom.

Now, give me a pack of Mint Milanos and let me watch my Oprah in peace.

Subscribe to Elizabeth Esther

This entry was posted in Her Royal Mommy-Ness, Parenting--toughest job out there. Bookmark the permalink.
  • Michelle Hart

    Oh yeah! Preach it! I have been blessed to be both–an at-home and a work-outside-the-home mom at different times in my children’s lives. The thing is, there is no magic formula…not for being the perfect Professional Mom or the perfect Working Mom. I love my children, but I also recognize the need for my own time, my own interests and my own life apart from the kids…and this is important if you stay home or work outside the home. My children are a part of my life, a very important part, but they are not my life. My job is to love them, teach them well and eventually send them on their way into their own lives. It’s terrible that we can make a tough job even tougher by the expectations that we place on moms. Let’s love our kids, love ourselves and RELAX!!

  • KatR

    “Professional Moms” create seriously wacked out kids. I used to work as a college advisor. There was a subset of kids whose parents ran every aspect of their lives before college and never let their children have their own responsibilities or their own consequences (because failure wasn’t an option)!

    Those were the kids who didn’t know how to tie their shoes without calling mom on the cell phone, and who were flabbergasted when professors enforced deadlines.

  • http://musingsofacatholiclady.blogspot.com Michelle

    I love you! No. Seriously. I. LOVE. YOU. You just rocked it out and said how I feel but could never put into words.

    For reference and context: I am a mom to four children (ages 8, 6, 4 and 15 months) and I work full-time outside the home. My husband works full-time on an opposite schedule (we both basically single-parent it while the other one is at work). We make the most of what we’ve got and we’re happy and I thank you so much for your post today.

  • http://mecerone.blogspot.com Mary Beth

    “This is made worse in Christian circles where a working mother is almost on par with a hooker. Actually, it’s worse. A Christian woman can feel compassion for a hooker. But a working mother? Well, tsk, tsk. Clearly, her PRIORITIES are all wrong.”

    THANK YOU for saying this. Haha. I’m already getting grief for working outside the home and I don’t even have kids yet!!!!!!!!
    —————————–
    Secondly, to encourage you, my own mother was a wonderful mom, but she had some mistakes that she made. She struggled with depression which impacted me the most and she also was so on top of my academics that I graduated salutation of my high school class and then got on academic probation my first semester of college. (Because I didn’t know how to manage my own time.)

    Can I just tell you, Elizabeth, that I turned out just fine? I made some mistakes, I learned from them, and now I have a good job and a loving husband? I have a great relationship with my mom and I turned out to be a normal person. :)

    God is going to lead your children and honestly, there isn’t a whole lot you can do to help or hurt that process. He made you their parents because he knew that you were the best parent for that child and they were the best child for you as a parent. :)

  • http://terrybreathinggrace.wordpress.com terry@breathing grace

    Welcome to the sane mother’s club, Elizabeth. You’re going to love it here. I promise!!

    I can’t relate to much of what you wrote, because I have always expressed to my children the fact that I although love them, they will not define me.

    Their peers’ parents all think I’m a little nuts because I refuse to allow their schedules to dictate my life, which means even though they are in high school, and they enjoy a few select extracurricular activities, they are at home more than other high schoolers. I figure that if I do my job to the best of my ability, my kids will land where God means for them to land. Besides, kids learn plenty to be successful within the context of family life. They need more time with their parents as they get older,not less.

    Frankly, I stress more about being the wife my husband deserves than about being the perfect mother to my kids. After all, when they’re gone (and as the mother of teens I can tell you the time will be here before you know it), my marriage is where I’ll need to have invested the right amount of energy.

    I love my kids, don’t get me wrong. They know I do. I just don’t get the mommy madness that grips so many women. Ithink we need to get over ourselves, turn OFF Oprah, not to mention Martha Stewart, or whoever else models this crap, and enjoy living life to the fullest within the context of our own realities.

  • http://findandfound.wordpress.com jessica mell

    :)

    <3

  • http://www.joyinthisjourney.com Joy – Joy in This Journey

    Terry, thank you for sharing that. You are the kind of mom I’m trying to be.

    Elizabeth, it’s really a great place to be, standing in the flowers in a field where my kids are playing happily, just watching that professional mom train race by…

  • LDH

    Note on the school thing: Elizabeth Warren in The Two Income Trap talks about education as a main factor that ruins people financially. A normal supply and demand curve will equalize itself. “That toaster is not worth $100; I will buy a $25 toaster and still have toasted bread.” But with education, parents say “I will pay that ridiculous price because it’s FOR MY CHILDREN!” Thus, universities can constantly inflate their prices, never say no to a new sports program, research program, etc., and just increase the price, and we never say “wait now, that’s too much.” We just keep paying it.

    She also says that the lack of school choice also leads to financial problems, because in many areas, the only way to get into a “good” school is to live in a “good” zip code, so many families buy houses they can’t comfortably afford just to live in certain neighborhoods that afford them that educational opportunity.

    Interesting stuff! (sorry if I double posted, my first comment disappeared)

  • Nella

    Preach it. Thank you!

  • Agnes

    This might be kinda rando, but can I pick up on what you wrote about not being able to let kids run around freely these days b/c of the danger – you know, I am just not convinced that’s true! We just hear WAY more about it now, and I think these days we actually have less crimes against children by strangers.

    We ran free like nobody’s business. I remember my sister (age 3) sticking her thumb out on the street to hitchhike and a car stopping, ACTUALLY GOING TO PICK HER UP. Of course we her sisters (age 5, 7 and 8) pulled her away. We knew the teacher who was known for ‘touching’ kids and stayed away from him. I told my mom when the neighbour boy stuck his hand where the sun don’t shine – in our driveway (!!!) I think we were given the chance to be tough little ragamuffins back then and kids are coddled way more now.
    Umm.. anndd.. reading this back – maybe that’s a good thing!! HA!

  • http://terrybreathinggrace.wordpress.com terry@breathing grace

    Great thoughts, LDH. I couldn’t agree with you more. My kids, unless they get scholarships or are willing to work very hard to help out, are going to junior college. Period.

    I have expressed to them that work ethic, intelligence, and competence matter far more than the school they get their degree from- especially if the degree is in something other than law, medicine,or specialized science.

    One of my favorite pieces of writing on the sham that is “higher” education in America is this column titled, “By Higher Education, They Mean the Price.”

    http://townhall.com/columnists/BurtPrelutsky/2007/06/11/by_higher_education,_they_mean_the_price

    Good stuff! Parents need to think about it more.

  • http://www.kathleenbasi.com Kathleen@so much to say, so little time

    FWIW, you are also talking about overparenting, which if you didn’t catch the article, was the cover of TIME magazine after Thanksgiving. Link:
    http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1940395,00.html

    And you should also check out this site, which will help you find rational ground upon which to base your gut feelings:

    http://freerangekids.wordpress.com/

    Not that you need anything else to do. :) ddddddddddddd

  • http://www.elizabethesther.com Elizabeth Esther

    LOL! Loved this, Agnes! I think what you’re saying is that we have to teach our kids how to trust their guts instead of trying to hyper-parent every single second. Good point. :)

  • http://www.elizabethesther.com Elizabeth Esther

    Awesome insight, LDH. I can totally relate to this because I finished up my university schooling at the junior college and know what? The education was JUST as GOOD. One of the best decisions we ever made was NOT to go into college debt. I entered my marriage without any school bills to pay off. BEST decision EVER.

  • http://www.updatemystatus.blogspot.com Mama Bean

    bottom-line parenting. good coinage. i’m scared i won’t know how to strike the balance – but reading posts like this helps me prepare, i think. you are a great mother. resist the urge to “measure up” because you are already blessed and more-than-enough in god’s eyes. and your children’s, i’m sure.

    as a working mother, i feel that burning judgment from christian camps, and i hate it. it doesn’t seem to matter that my husband is home, if anything, that makes it worse. /sigh.

  • LDH

    Just to clarify, this is Elizabeth Warren, Harvard law professor and all around feisty lady, who had these insights, not me. I just like her and her insights :) I actually don’t have kids, and when I read The Two Income Trap, I wasn’t even married, but I really like her ideas.

  • LDH

    Yes! If you slack off, you’re not going to learn anything, no matter where you go to school.

  • Anonymous

    Elizabeth, Amen!!!! I am curious…your mom was likely in the same strict fundamentalist church as you were…what profession/occupation did she end up in, and how did she deal with the flack she must have gotten at times for being a working mom? I think you are blessed, by the way, to have her working mom example!

    Elizabeth…I am smiling…I have a feeling we may be hearing from you in the not-too-distant future about what it is like to be a Lit. Prof! (even if it is part-time to begin with…)

    Love the part about coming home when the street lights came on…that was our signal, too. Sometimes we slept out in our sleeping bags at night in the back yard and would sneak about in our section of our small town well into the night. No one got hurt, but what an adventure!!

  • http://www.madamerubies.com Heather

    I am stomping and clapping and whistling over here. See me? *waves* Hubby made the mistake of calling me a Professional Homemaker the other day and I bout had a fit. Not that I am not a homemaker. It is one of my duties. I do it. It was the “professional.” It made me feel like a Career Girl, and I so don’t have the salary or the wardrobe to fit that description. I reminded him that I am a writer. Specifically, I am a poet. I am a poet who happens to be married to a minister and have 2.5 children and a dog.

  • Maggie Dee

    Amen!! I dropped out of the mommy Olympics years ago. What an utter relief. It’s just plain exhausting trying to be the center of the universe for your kids. Besides if I’m constantly hovering how the heck are they supposed to be able to hear their own inner voice and more importantly, God’s?

    Maybe this idea of the “Professional Mom” is the natural progression when we forget just who really is in charge of the universe. Our kids are not lumps of clay that we form into what we want. They come with their own path, their own gifts, their own relationship with God.

    I remember running all over the place as a kid too. I wish I could allow my kid’s that freedom. But if on the off chance that something did happen to one of my kids, guess who everyone would blame?

    Thanks

  • http://milehimama.com Milehimama

    You say:
    I’m just saying that the “ideal” of the at-home mother is not all it’s chalked up to be.

    But I think what your are actually objecting to is not mothering but micromanaging. Mothering is an entirely different activity.

    And I got off that train long, long ago. Bottom line parenting sums it up! But guess what, we are growing PEOPLE and people can’t be reduced to a formula or algorithm. You can’t input piano lessons, tutoring, and karate and get a doctor or lawyer out on the other side!

    Trust God to help you in your vocation – and drop the stuff that is NOT your vocation. You can do it!

  • Caroline

    I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s coddling children to protect them from sexual abuse. See, I grew up back in the day and I used to be gone for hours at a time in my neighborhood. Sometimes, I was playing kickball or Barbies with friends, sometimes I was being sexually abused. My parents had no clue and I was too scared to tell. It lead to years of depression and self-loathing. If you’ve never had it happen to you, you don’t know the scars it can leave.

    I’m almost glad that I experienced sexual abuse because it has given me the sensitivity to protect my child at all costs. My son does not go into a public restroom by himself. He does not go in a neighbor’s house that I don’t know about. He still leads a normal life and plays with other kids. I’d rather err on the side of my kid growing up feeling I was a little strict and overprotective than to have him deal with the crap from abuse.

    I’m sorry but I couldn’t NOT say that. Otherwise, Elizabeth, this has been a stellar post and discussion!

  • jo

    ah – i believe you are feeling the way i do at the moment – like how much more of yourself can you give???

    i have 6 girls – 20 month twins, 3 yr old, 6 yr old, 16 yr old – and 22 yr old who has “left home”

    there is no way i could cope with afterschool activities, etc as i am exhausted as it is – but the younger 4 enjoy the garden at the moment in the sun :)
    thankyou for making me think xx

  • Margaret

    You know, I never got on that train. I was tempted, but too “lazy”.

    I’m home because I believe my kids truly do benefit from that, and I am committed to it. I am not, however, committed to running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off because that pretty much cancels out any benefit they might get from me being at home.

    As to the playing alone issue–yes, abuse is a problem. My dad never suffered abuse in the long hours his parents didn’t know where he was. My mom did. :( We have a backyard and neighbor kids. Mine can play for ours without me hovering over them, with limits. They don’t go into neighbor’s houses, if anyone approaches them they head straight for our house calling for me, and they have answer when I call them. But I’ve given up feeling guilty for those hours when I can read or sew while they play and entertain themselves and each other.

    I think “a rollicking good time” is a very good goal for parenting, and it will look a little different for each family. :)

  • http://bellwhistlemoon.blogspot.com/ mary bailey

    “Death of SuperMom”! Elizabeth, I see this as the title of a book. No kidding! I can see you writing a book of real stuff like this for real moms.

    For the record, I am a stay-at-home mom of only one child, but I’ve never aspired to the title of Professional Mom—Nor could I qualify for it :-)

  • http://www.laundryandlullabiesblogspot.com Emily

    I love that you said “read or sew” while they play, instead of “clean the kitchen”. I always feel rather guilty when I pick up a book or bring out the sewing machine, because I’m not doing something I’m “supposed” to do. But gosh, I LOVE TO READ! I’m glad I’m not the only one who lets the kids play outside and does something fun. :)

  • http://fromtheheartofjoanna.blogspot.com jo

    I have thought this the past few posts – but wait, what about your mom?! She did things differently, and in doing so paved the way for you to see a side of a mother that lots of kids in the church didn’t. I think you’re doing the same thing for your kids by saying – hey, some day care and public school are OK. :)

    And as for the working moms in Christian circles, maybe I’m dense, but I think it’s only certain Christian circles – fundamentalist, Bible churches, certain conservatives??? Like half of my girlfriends at church work outside the home – and that’s in the cheap midwest! Getting to know them has made me feel much more OK with pursuing the many sides of me that God made (inc. working!). So be proud to be a working/writing mom, it’s definitely a part of who you are :) .

  • Margaret

    Oh, and Mint Milanos were my mother’s favorite snack of choice too. Yum! :D

    I believe they are particularly good for mothers.

  • http://notfinishedyet.wordpress.com Emily

    EE, again, I love what you have written. I would write more in praise of this, but I have my own set of Big Things to Think About these days going on, and that’s all I can focus on. But this post – oh, it’s just marvelous.

    Would you mind if I linked to it, since I can’t talk much on my own blog these days?

    ~ Emily

  • bridgette

    You know…I think you’re great.

  • Everly Grace

    Yes and yess!! I especially like what you said about your kids sitting in therapy someday complaining because you forgot to pick them up or something and YOU STAYED AT HOOME WITH THEM THEIR WHOLE LIVES!!! I am paraphrasing…

    I must share this…I would like to laugh about it even though there is the urge to cry in frustration as well…

    I have 3 children 18, 17, 16…2 girls with a boy in the middle. I am 36…married young…always just wanted to be a mom. My husband left me 5 years ago because of course you know…we just shouldn’t have gotten married so young and…well, it’s just gotten so hard and well, we will be better off. Hmmm…not so much especially when he moved hundreds of miles away and decided to parent with 2 hour visits every 6 months and texting/phone calls to his 3 teenagers every 3 weeks or so. When he left I decided to get a job delivering papers from 2-6 in the a.m.. Then I could continue to homeschool them and be with them as I always had been and they wouldnt’be too traumitized. Riiiight…After 5 years of being alone, I went on my first date with a dear friend who finds himself alone as well. How sweet it was and safe! We were gone for 3 hours and wouldn’t you know, my handy, dandy new cell phone…the one where you can accidentally butt dial…ya…well, my butt turned it off while I was out….for 3 hours….for the first time in 5 years. Of course my kids called and called and texted…and mommy didn’t answer them for an hour. I arrived home to 3 teenagers…arms crossed…toes tapping…looking at the clock and stating that I was horribly neglectful…I mean what if there had been an emergency!!! Was there I asked? Well…no…we just wanted to know if you could bring us fries from Mc Donalds. Oh…fries indeed…therapy here we come or…maybe they will just eat there feelings…in the form of fries!

  • Everly Grace

    Hmmm…I am replying to myself…I wanted to apologize for some of the typos in my post =( I hate that! It wouldn’t let me preview it.

    Anyway, I know what it can say about a person when they have spelling and punctuation errors… *sigh* I probably need therapy. You rock Elizabeth!

  • http://www.seekingfaithfulnessblog.blogspot.com Holly

    Ummm…gosh. I ran free as a child. It was good. Mostly. Loved catching fireflies and knowing that very soon, when it was really dark, we’d have to go in.

    I’d love to let my kids do that, but this last summer my 14 year old was beaten up really badly and robbed by a stranger. We live in a town of 8000 and it was 2 blocks from our home. Thousands of dollars in medical costs (cat scans, stitches, a tooth broken off…) and a year later – we just finished the trial last month. The guy got charged with a class B felony and is going to prison for a long time. It’s been a tough and emotional year – due to my kid getting hurt by a stranger in a little town.

    Still, I think that’s an anomaly rather than the rule. We won’t let fear define us….but neither can I casually think that I can let my little ones or even teens run as freely as I did as a child. I wish that I could. It indeed would change motherhood and make it a little more relaxing.

  • http://radarkaty.blogspot.com Kathleen C

    I’m so glad I found your blog. I’m having a hard time coming up with the right word, but I look forward to reading whatever you have to say. This post and your previous have touched cords and make me think. And I thank you.

  • destry

    Another excellent post! Welcome to the saner side of parenting EE.

    I love my children…all 5 of them…but I have no desire to be everything they need in life. Even if I had that desire, I am in no way capable of fulfilling it.

    Instead, I do my best and trust that God will cover the rest with grace and mercy.

  • http://flourishingmother.blogspot.com Andrea

    ok, so when are you writing a book? ;)

  • http://flourishingmother.blogspot.com Andrea

    ps. destry (above) said it perfectly.

  • debbie

    when are women going to support one another’s decisions? there is no one right way–we just do the best we can each and every day–you hang in there and take care of yourself

  • Meg

    I just heard the term “helicopter mom” this weekend – seems to describe this phenomenon perfectly.

  • http://dawnfarias.com Dawn Farias

    Excellent! Thank you.

  • http://papuagirlindallas.blogspot.com/ Kacie

    My mom is an organizational freak, and sometimes… it was too much. I just wanted to be a kid or be a family, and so I didn’t want so much made intentional… I just wanted us all to sit back and relax sometimes.

    She’s still supermom, and so much of it WAS beneficial, but what you’re saying here is important too. Balance. Relax. And plan a little too. :)

  • http://www.thegypsymama.com Lisa-Jo @thegypsymama

    Yes, just yes.

    And thank you.

    I have such complicated feelings about the church’s attitude to working moms. I struggle with it every Sunday when the nursery workers are frustrated that I won’t just hand over my toddler to scream it out. And I try time and again to show them how I believe that Sabbath is for kids too and since mine are away from me all week long, if they want to cling on Sundays – I say “Bring it On!”

    It became so hard that I finally wrote an open letter to my working mother’s guilt. And I have to say, it helped purge a lot – and now I work and feel grateful – that God has given me a way to help put bread on the table. And that makes me brave, not a bad mother.

    http://thegypsymama.com/2010/01/13/an-open-letter-to-my-working-mother%E2%80%99s-guilt/

  • Agnes

    Hi Caroline, I’m so sorry that happened to you. I wasn’t trying to belittle that kind of thing happening at all. When I said the neighbour boy stuck his hand where the sun don’t shine, it was actually in MY pants, maybe that wasn’t clear. My mom told me at age 4 about that stuff and that I should tell her immediately if anything like that happened to me. 2 weeks later, it did. I’m so sorry you felt you couldn’t tell anyone, I think much of the damage can stem from that, making children feel even more alone and ashamed.. it sounds like you are doing the right thing by protecting your boy, though.. blessings on you.