On doing the ONE thing I said I’d never do

Posted on April 4, 2010 by elizabeth

I hope I didn't impress anyone with my moment of silence. Because what I should have added was: I'm losing my mind and I'm taking this moment to chuck my twins into part-time daycare.

Here's why: I got hit by an absolute tsunami of exhaustion. Maybe it was Barf Week, maybe it was baseball season. Maybe it was, you know, toddler twins + 3 older kids.

Anyway, the choice was: physical breakdown or daycare? I'll take SANITY for 200, Alex.

Oh, my. Daycare is the best thing that's happened to me since the Rapture didn't happen in 1988.

For one thing, I can pee without toddlers barging in and demanding to know why "MOMMY GO POTTY ON DA TOY-YET?" For secondly, I can get a few things done without having to wait until the twins are napping. For thirds, I can actually take my own nap.

Can you imagine such freedom? It boggles the mind.

But what's weird is, it's taking forever to feel better. And by forever I mean: a whole week. I mean, I thought I'd be feeling great by now but I'm not. Apparently, I've been running on empty for quite awhile.

You can only do that for so long before your body whacks you over the head with exhaustion and says: You cannot live on fumes alone. Get help.

So, here I am practicing the ancient art of listening to my body (what the heck is that gurgling sound??) and getting help.

I also told my mother about my epiphanies.

"Mother," I said, "I've shamed our heritage. Your grandchildren are being raised by the hired help. Also? I'm not homeschooling."

My mother folded her arms over her chest, fixed me with a penetrating stare and said, "Well, good for you, sweetheart!"

I just about fell over because the world stopped spinning on its axis. My mother supports my sanity and she doesn't think I'm being selfish. 

Why does that surprise me? Only because I am my own harshest critic. I brace myself for condemnation from others and instead, I get grace. It's scandalous, really.  The people I love are kinder to me than I am to myself. They see how hard I work and they're telling me to give myself a break.

So, OK. I will. Part of this means examining some bad habits like my tendency to over-commit, flounder, cancel, feel better and then over-commit again. This needs to stop (thank you, Boundaries book).

It also means I've come up with this list of brilliant insights (ARE YOU TAKING NOTES?):

  1. I have to take care of myself because,
  2. Nobody else is gonna take care of me, but
  3. If I don't take care of myself, then
  4. Other people will have to and that's just
  5. Not fair.

So, there. Now, back to bed. By my calculations, I've been sleep deprived for at least 10 years.

This entry was posted in Childbearing, Parenting--toughest job out there, Twins!!. Bookmark the permalink.
  • Joanie

    Yes! You said, sister. My immune system doesn’t want to work well anymore and I only have two little blessings running around (climbing the furniture, occasionally whining, strewing toys in every room…)

    And I’m not saying kids make us sick, just that you’re right – it’s even more reason to take care of ourselves!

    Also, that part about the Rapture? Hi.lar.i.ous.

  • http://www.madamerubies.com Heather

    A-freaking-men!

  • Sarah M.

    You just made me feel way less guilty about putting both of my two youngest into MDO this fall. Thank you.

  • http://www.mommyto3blessings.com Jennifer

    I think it may have been your best decision EVER! I work from home and am seriously contemplating putting A in daycare at least 2 days a week…you are inspiring!

  • http://trainstutusandteatime.com Corinne

    Good for you! You deserve every sanity saving minute.

  • http://www.emergingmummy.com Sarah@EmergingMummy

    Darling girl, GOOD ON YOU. That’s exactly right. Praying that you will relax and be refreshed. Not only for your kids and your marriages but yourself too. Blessings and grace on you.

  • Heather

    I love your mother and all her grace. Thanks for sharing her with me! In some of that taking care of yourself time, if you like massages but hate selling your soul to be able to afford one, you might consider Pure Sole in Huntington Beach for $25/hour you can get an amazing massage. It’s my new favorite place to go and what I am doing to take care of myself. Let me know if you want any tips on how the place works since it’s not a normal day spa.

  • http://livelifeartfully.blogspot.com Jenn

    Good for you! What’s with all the pressure & guilt we put on ourselves, anyway… ugh. I hope you feel better soon!

  • http://flourishingmother.blogspot.com Andrea

    When I put my kids in school last year after years of homeschooling, and when I put my 3 year old in preschool when I never thought I would, and when I got a babysitter 15 hours a week, I did because I said, “something’s gotta give, and it can’t be me.”
    Here’s to FREEDOM, girl. Enjoy and get those nerves back!

  • http://www.laundryandlullabiesblogspot.com Emily

    Wow. I think that I wish I could bring myself to do this.

  • http://www.JanetOber.com Janet oberholtzer

    Your five points are right on!!

    For some reason, us woman find it very hard to take care of ourselves, but didn’t Jesus say we have to love others as we love ourselves, so you go girl – loving yourself enough to take care of yourself is holy!

    Some of you are probably saying, but loving yourself is selfish! Only if taken too far, just like giving or eating or working – they are all good, needed and necessary, but taken too far, you end up broke, unhealthy or a workaholic. So find a balance, but do take care of yourself.

  • Gail Brightbill

    There is therefore now no condemnation in Christ Jesus. The guilt does not come from him. Wise and good decision. G

  • http://www.minthegap.com MInTheGap

    What you decide to do with your children is between you, your husband and God– no one else here on the Internet matters.

    That being the case, be fully persuaded in whatever you do, and do all for His glory and you have nothing to be ashamed of.

    However, I’d like to correct Janet above– the verse that you reference does not give license to love oneself, but acknowledges the fact that there is no one that does not love themselves and further exhorts us to love others more than we love ourselves. It’s the opposite of what you suggest.

    While it’s holy to take care of our “temple”, there are many things that need to come ahead of ourselves. It’s between us and God to know what those are.

    It’s a hard call, EE, and I hope that you are the better for it!

  • http://www.elizabethesther.com Elizabeth Esther

    *sigh* I was wondering how long it would take before someone brought up the whole “no one doesn’t love themselves.” I’m not gonna quibble about varying interpretations, but suffice to say: there are lots of people who don’t love themselves or believe they are worthy of love. Yes, we all know that true love is sacrificial. But as for me and my temple, we will take care of ourselves because that is how we love God and others.

    As Andrea said above, something had to give. I wasn’t about to let it be me, again. Been there. Done that.

  • http://heart-and-home.net Ashleigh (Heart and Home)

    Your mom said what mine did when we said we were investigating preschools for both boys (which, of course, really means daycare for the 2.5yo).

    My mom also tells me that we (and our mothers) are in first generations of women who are being told we can do it ALL on our own. We can do all our own cleaning and laundry and school our children and drive to fifty-trillion special activities and be involved in a zillion church ministries and work in or out of our homes and make nutritious meals from scratch with natural ingredients and still make time to build relationships within our families and with the friends we meet up with for playdates. When, in history, have women ever had so much pressure on them to do so much… without any help? The very poorest of women have, until recent years, at least had help from mother and grandmothers and aunts–the average woman hired help in some form, even from Biblical eras. We’re living under “mommy guilt” for having help with childcare and housekeeping, when we’re really trying to live up to an unattainable standard.

    I think the key is realizing that we can’t possibly do it all alone… and knowing that’s completely okay.

    You go, girl. Go take a nap, I mean. ;)

  • http://livinginthemystery.blogspot.com/ Little M

    Awesome. You are such a funny writer. I love reading your posts!

  • Naomi’s mom

    I just hired a house cleaner! Maybe you ought to try that next. It has been the most wonderful experience since leaving The Assembly. I thought about it for years, but had to get past all the guilt for not teaching my children to work like slaves in their few free minutes. Ha! There’s still plenty of work to do.

  • http://acts17verse28.blogspot.com/ NCSue

    Enjoy your rest, m’dear. You can’t fill up someone else’s cup when yours is completely empty.

    May your dreams be sweet and your sleep be refreshing to body and soul!

  • http://www.heidijowhatdoyouknow.blogspot.com Heidi Jo

    hey there. with all that free time on your hands, send me an email :o ) JUST KIDDING! about the free time, i mean. but for reals…email me!

  • ArdenLynn

    Six years ago I was exhausted and needed help after an outpatient surgery. I called my mom and asked for help and she told me to call a neighbor.
    I wonder how much my great grandmother charged when she took my dad for the day back in the 40′s. Grandma’s aren’t what they used to be.

  • Deb

    Elizabeth, I love how you make yourself vulnerable – you are so open & I love that about you. You put yourself out there knowing that sometimes means people are going to disagree with you. Thanks for being so open and honest :) That being said, I TOTALLY know how you feel. After we moved to Boys Town and Tobin (#3) was born, there were days I just couldn’t handle. Being the mom for 11 kids was more than I bargained for!! I commend you for knowing your limits, and realizing that you are going to be a better mom when you get the rest that you need. Don’t feel guilty about doing what you need to do. Your children are so fortunate to have you for a mother, and a few hours in childcare isn’t going to change that!

  • http://www.oldhousekitchen.blogspot.com Carmen

    I’m thankful to have my mom living with us. While it’s not as picture-perfect as some may think. (My mom has several issues…) It is nice to have a go-to gal in times of crisis. I have moments like that! I hope you are feeling better soon! **hugs**

  • Heather in KY

    I am so right there with you, EE! I have 5 children that are 9 and under – homeshooling 2 of them, the other 3 are 4, 3, and 1. I am emotionally and physically exhausted all the time. I do have a wonderful husband and my parents help out bunches, but I still put so much pressure on myself. At times I sinfully wonder if God did give me more than I can handle. I applaude you for having the courage not only to do what you did, but to tell about it! Way to go sista!

  • http://andthecreekdontrise.blogspot.com Lori B.

    Good for you. And honestly I don’t think that a part-time situation constitutes “daycare.” Daycare makes me think of 10-11 hours a day of someone else raising my children. Preschool or Mother’s Day Out makes me think of my children playing with other children and being watched by someone else for 10-15 hours a WEEK. (All 3 of my kids have gone to Mother’s Day Out just as soon as they were old enough!) I also agree with the previous comment about hired help. We American women think we have to do it all with no help or it doesn’t count. Well, I’ve had to let that go or go completely insane. I recently got a cleaning lady to come twice a month and it is wonderful. We still have to clean up after ourselves and pick up the house before she comes, and I’m still making my children keep their rooms half-way clean (that’s as good as they ever have), and my husband couldn’t be happier. Keeping the house clean is the only thing we ever fought over. I finally admitted that I couldn’t do it myself no matter how guilty I felt about it and that I needed to get help. And guess what? I’m still the mom and the wife, and I still do the most important things a wife and mom does around here, and after almost 14 years of marriage, my husband couldn’t be happier. What was I waiting for!?! (Sorry for the long rambling comment. I’m passionate about this one!) Hoping your exhaustion goes away very soon and you can get back to enjoying motherhood.

  • Ouida Gabriel

    This is one of the things that bother my about “the Church”. I personally don’t want my children in daycare. I did that to my oldest and while she is a beautiful young lady now, there were things that damaged her in ways I can’t repair. It makes me angry that the church can’t have a situation where the young ladies of the church, say 14 and up,could go to a church members home once or twice a week to help out. Not for pay but because of our love for one another. It also begs the question, where is our older generation that should be easing the burden on mothers when they are swamped with so many little ones. I have 6 children and even though my oldest was 8 when my second (living) child was born (which made it easier for me because she was/is a big help) it was still very hard to take care of all of my children. EE, I don’t fault your deciding to use daycare, I fault our church because we are not willing to sacrifice to help the mothers who really need it. I think if you had a helper coming in twice a week then you would feel better as well as not having to pay someone to take care of the little ones so you can have your sanity back. This is a topic near and dear to my heart since I am on the end of coming out of years of a deep depression. I have told my girls that I am going to be the mother who is there to lend a hand as much as I can. And once we find a church home and I feel safe with my girls going to other peoples homes, I want my girls to be helpers to mothers in our church. We should be easing one another burden and this is one way to do it.

    Ouida Gabriel

  • HeatherHH

    I had a severe vitamin D deficiency a few years ago, when I had 4 children ages 6 down to baby. It went undiagnosed for over a year. I had trouble keeping up with things, and so much fell to the wayside. We came this close to hiring someone to clean once a week, but then decided to see if the children were interested in extra jobs for money. They were and it was cheaper!).

    But, I would suggest paying someone to clean or buying more convenience meals rather than to have them take care of your children. Who cleans your house (and what they believe) won’t have much impact. But, your children are living people being influenced everyday, and who will only be “yours” for a time. Just a thought….

  • Agnes

    I don’t have children but my mom had 4 of us in 5 years. She literally couldn’t do it.. and yet she did it anyway with no help, no family nearby, but my dad picked up all the nurturing for us when he got home, thank goodness. She could only manage to feed and clean; stories, cuddles etc. did not happen with her. She had issues on top of that, and hoo boy, we paid the price. If you need help moms, GET IT. It’s not just about you, it’s about how your kids will suffer as well with a mom who just can’t, yet.. does. My mom says she can’t even remember those first years, she has blanked them out. Hmm ;) it’s still painful.

  • destry

    I am so proud of you for doing what it takes to be the best YOU possible!

    We have a house keeper that comes in once a week (and I am not lazy and my children still have chores0. We also put our children in mothers’ day out for 5 hours a day two days a week when they were younger (and they flourished, made friends, learned new things, absolutely adored it).

    I have no family to help. I have no neighbors to help. Most people in my church are busy too…

    Honestly, I am a better mother, wife, disciple and woman for deciding to take care of myself.

    Hugs to you!

  • http://www.gaggleofgreens.blogspot.com Jessie

    I seriously needed to read this. I am mama to three, 3 and under. I have enrolled my twins (14 months old) to join their big sister in a moms day out program for next fall.
    It hasn’t even started yet, and I was already feeling guilty!
    Have I mentioned that my hubby travels 8 months outta the year for his job? Well, he does.
    And naptime sounds glorious. Even if it is scheduled for sometime this coming August.
    Thank you!~

  • Katie

    Seems to be a great site. I’m a mom of three little ones. I’m all for maintaining sanity, getting rest etc..but have to say I think daycare is one of the greatest sadnesses of our modern world. There has got to be other solutions. But little children need to be with their moms!!!! So many woes in our society would disappear if moms stayed with their little ones…