Cultivating a kind, gentle tone of voice

Posted on May 16, 2010 by elizabeth

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I started praying a risky prayer a few weeks ago. I asked God to help me speak in a loving, gentle tone to my children. I've continued to pray this each day and let me say, if you wanna pray prayers like this–just prepare to have your heart broken. In a good way.

The first thing that happened was that I began really hearing myself. Do you know what I mean by that? I mean that for a very long time, I'd been sorta deaf to my own voice, to how it sounded in my interactions with my children.

But in the last few weeks, I've begun hearing my tone of voice again. At first, I only heard myself after the fact, after I'd snapped at someone or interrupted, cut someone short or blasted someone away with my dazzling wit and logic. Ha.

And then I began hearing my tone of voice parroted back to me in the voices of my children. I heard it in the way they spoke to each other and on one occasion, I heard it in the way one of the twins reprimanded her baby doll.

It was embarrassing, heartbreaking and totally, completely convicting. It also exposed the myriad excuses I've used to defend my harsh tone of voice. 

I began intentionally trying to speak kindly, gently and lovingly. Here was the big revelation: speaking kindly takes practice! Cultivating a kind, gentle tone of voice doesn't just happen. I used to comfort myself with the notion that the moms who spoke gently and kindly were born with that kind of voice. 

Now I'm not so sure. I think maybe they've had to work at it. Maybe it's a fine art that must be practiced and cultivated, disciplined and tended.

Here's another revelation: the test of a kind, gentle tone of voice comes when life is difficult.  I mean, anyone can use a kind, gentle voice when life is going smoothly and according to plan. But most of our life in a large family does not go smoothly. And it almost never goes according to plan!

So, what should I do? Wait until life gets easier or do the right thing even if it's hard?

Here's what I've started doing: when I'm irritated or tired, I try to pre-empt my harsh tone by sending up little SOS prayers to God for help. Usually it sounds like this: Lord, grant me grace right now, please. 

It's a simple little prayer but I've been surprised at how effective it is. It feels like a little pocket opening up in my mind giving me that extra ounce of patience I need in that exact moment, just enough to get me through the current ordeal.

And when I choose to speak kindly and gently, I feel an immediate sense of satisfaction. It's like take taking pride in a job well-done. It feels like I've ministered grace into the moment instead of chaos or worry, hurry or fear.

The funny thing is that before I had twins, I almost never raised my voice. I really tried to speak moderately and gently at all times. But since having the twins, it's like I've had to re-learn it all over again.

Or maybe it's just that BT (Before Twins), I could handle it all in my own strength and AT (After Twins), I realize I can't do it on my own. I'm dependent on the mercy and grace of God every single day. Scratch that. Every single minute.

Maybe there's no better place to be.

Do you struggle with using a kind, gentle tone of voice?

Do you have any practices/ideas for cultivating a kind, gentle tone?

I could use some helpful encouragement, so please SHARE!

 


This entry was posted in Childbearing, Faith, Parenting--toughest job out there, Twins!!. Bookmark the permalink.
  • http://sue-livingandlearning.blogspot.com/ Sue

    The great thing about what you’re doing is that it works! It really gets easier. Then, it becomes easy to slip back into old habits… ask me how I know!

    Thanks so much for this reminder. It’s Monday morning here. I think I’ll start the week examining my own tone of voice. I’d better start with that prayer, though, because I’m not sure I’m going to like what I hear!

  • http://maplegrove.blogspot.com Sandy C.

    I’ve been substitute teaching in elementary grades a lot this year. It is so difficult to me to keep my patience in a classroom full of younger children. I’ve learned a lot by watching good teachers and notice their voice and manner of being firmly in control sets the tone for the students. I can always tell when I’m subbing for a teacher who is calm and when I’m subbing for one yells. I pray every morning on my way to school to have the right balance of love and firmness.

    The few times I’ve been tempted to yell or use a less than gentle tone, I pray quickly and take a deep breath. It also helps to have a signal for the students when you want them to instantly obey, such as flipping the lights on/off or holding up my hand.

    I know it’s different at home with your own children, but I wish I had known these things when my children were young and at home.

  • http://jenmenta.blogspot.com/ Jen Menta

    Funny, the message at church today was about this very topic. Words and their power and the tone we use. I have been convicted of the very same thing. To hear my kids reflect the teaching I have given them, well..it devastates me. I am so encouraged to see that it is not my struggle alone. And VERY encouraged that no matter where we are, God is doing a wonderful work in perfecting us. Not us perfecting ourselves, but Him,masterfully perfecting Himself within us.

  • Just Me

    It’s hard… I struggle with this every. single. day. I hate the way I sound and the way I act when I’m angry. 99% of my anger comes from the fact that “someone” (kids/husband/other drivers, etc)get in the way of “my plan.” I don’t like disruptions, and then my anger gets the best of me. Thank you for the encouragement. I need to remember to hold on to those SOS prayers and the truth that God will answer them. Thank you incredibly for this reminder.

  • http://ginagsmith.com gina

    I get what you’re saying! I’ve heard myself through my children too, and man–it’s embarrassing. I like to write Proverbs and other “tongue” passages on cards to post on my kitchen cabinets, or other prominent places to remind me of my goal of speaking gently. “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1

  • http://www.mecerone.blogspot.com Mary Beth

    No kids here so no advice… But I think you cannever go wrong when you are in a place ofconstantly relying on God for strength and grace.its when we get in that arrogant “I cando it myself” mode that we get in trouble.

  • http://sarahjoyalbrecht.com Sarah Joy Albrecht

    Preemptively praying is so important! :)

    A few years ago, I wrote down Ephesians 4:2, “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love” and kept it in my back pocket so that I had it with me always.

    When I felt my angry-voice in my throat, I’d pull the card out and read it to myself. I really connect with reading words, so it seemed to help me to focus even more than praying.

  • Melanie C

    I have no children, but am a preschool teacher to 16 3-5 year olds. I have been praying for patience and the ability to speak in a gentle voice. It makes such a difference when I do! When I naturally want to speak in a loud/upset voice, I try to remember to speak gently, softly and kindly. Then, I am not yelling at them, and they have to quiet down to listen!
    Also, with a few of the children, I take time as soon as they walk in the door to pray with them, individually. Sometimes when I know I am frustrated and want to speak in an unkind manner, I just stop everything and say, “OK, we are going to pray because I am frustrated and angry and we need the Lord’s help.” Then, if necessary, I apologize to them for how I talked to them! One thing I learned from my mother was to have the humility to ask for forgiveness when it is needed.

  • http://semicrunchymama.wordpress.com Crystal @ Semi-Crunchy Mama

    Yes, I struggle with this, daily. I find that trying to take a moment to center myself (usually a quick prayer, similar to yours) sometimes helps. Sometimes.

    I’m eager to read everyone else’s responses. I know that I could also use whatever suggestions are offered to you.

  • http://profile.typepad.com/jwkoester JWKoester

    Great Post! I too struggle with this ALL THE TIME! I have Philippians 4:5 memorized “Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near”. It has become my mantra.
    Sometimes if I am sane enough to remember, I send my kids to their rooms so that I can calm down enough to talk to them in a reasonable manner. This doesn’t always happen though and in those times, I find asking for forgiveness is really powerful too.

  • http://profile.typepad.com/preparationmeetingopportunitywordpresscom Preparationmeetingopportunity.wordpress.com

    I’m an elementary teacher and I find myself praying for the very same thing. Some mornings I forget to pray about this, and, let me tell you, those are days I wish I could forget. The days I am in full control of my voice and myself are the best.
    I say just keep working on it and know that you are definitely NOT alone.
    ~Christy

  • http://thejunia.blogspot.com junia

    This was really timely; as a middle school teacher in an international school, my 7th and 8th graders can really be a handful. Last week especially was SO difficult! I remember in the first week of class, confidently walking in, ready to blast anyone who wandered out of my rigid code of discipline. Unfortunately, my first run-in was with a student (who I later found out was a sensitive child with ADHD) whom I reprimanded severely for his phone and for his refusal to give it to me. He then yelled back at me and swore in Chinese… and I kept face until I went back to my office and cried. I think that instance always reminds me how fighting fire with fire never works…

  • http://flourishingmother.blogspot.com Andrea

    speaking kindly is something i’ve always had to work at. in His grace.
    i wrote a post with some practical suggestions at one point.
    Here it is:

    http://flourishingmother.blogspot.com/2008/06/speaking-kindly.html

  • http://www.ayoungmomsmusings.com Young Mom

    I’ve found that eliminating spankings has made me a less angry mom, and that has helped me not to shout as much. Lately I have been trying more intentially to rid myself of yelling and speaking disrespectfully to my kids, and sometimes it helps me to take a really deep breath, and maybe even make a strange noise or 2 before I say anything. It usually makes my toddlers laugh, and then I end up laughing too. I really enjoyed your tips too!

  • Margaret

    Well, I appreciate your encouragement. It’s nice to know that other’s struggle with this.

    My mom was depressed, and a yeller. Except for PMS-week, I don’t deal with depression, but the hollering is a hard, hard habit to break. I hate it. I swore I’d never do it to my kids. No good. :(

    One thing that has helped me a lot is to *laugh*. Maybe it makes me come across as cold hearted (I laugh at my kids, oh what a bad mom am I!), but instead of letting a toddler’s tantrum wind me up, I laugh. They don’t know what to do with that. And when I’ve just had it at the end of the day, and my 3 year old swoops his full cup of milk onto the table and the floor…I laugh. It’s so much, much better than getting mad about having to clean up and fussing at him about not paying attention.

  • http://www.laundryandlullabiesblogspot.com Emily

    I need to be better about praying the “Lord, grace, please, NOW” prayer. I do know exactly what you mean – I “heard myself” in my children’s voices about 6 months ago (probably as a gift from the Holy Spirit) and was utterly convicted. I’m working on it. Nice to be working alongside you!

  • Leslie

    Just wanted to say thanks for this post. We are in the middle of a PCS (military move), just had 3 major weekends (wedding, 1st communion, medical school graduation) and my tone of voice has not been kind or gentle. I like your short prayer…and the reminder to pray it often.

    Leslie

  • http://theweitzels.wordpress.com Erin

    You are so right…those times when it’s easy to speak kindly and gently are not the times when it’s most necessary. Right now, my husband is the one I have trouble speaking kindly and gently too. Thanks for the reminder and the suggestion to do some preemptive praying!

  • http://hilluponhill.blogspot.com/ hill upon hill

    OOOh yes, I know what you are talking about!
    The only thing that helps is prayer.

  • http://www.thewinedarksea.com/weblog.php MelanieB

    Oh I struggle so hard not to yell. I wish I had that moment of clarity to pause and pray and ask for God’s grace before I scream or say something harsh. But I never even have that awareness until after the storm has passed. I’ve been praying and praying about this. Oh I am convicted and I hear how my voice sounds (in retrospect) I hear it coming from my girls’ mouths. But now I realize I’ve been praying for patience. Maybe I should be praying for the grace to pause and pray for a gentle voice even when I have lost patience.

  • http://www.janniefunster.com Jannie Funster

    Hi.

    yes, I sure do struggle with using a kind gentle voice with my family . It does take a LOT of work, expecially when were not always spoken to kindly and gently as children — so we try to break the cycle.

    I try to see the good in my daughter and let her know many times a day how awesome she is. It gets reciprocated, or at least she stays in a good mood with me smiling a lot at her.

    And I try to let the little things go.

    Sounds like you are doing a super-fabulous job, just by being aware of how you want to speak!

    And CUTE girls!!! How lucky they are to have each other — and you.

  • http://brambleberrygrace.blogspot.com/ Katie

    Ouch. I’ve battled this for some time. It is painful to hear my tone as it echos in my mind. I’m their mama! I’m supposed to love them SO VERY MUCH. How can someone who loves sp deeply speak with such harshness? It takes both practice and perserverance. I needed this reminder. When I drop my guard the ugly always sneaks back in.

  • http://pleasanthomehill.blogspot.com/ Carolyne

    “Little mirrors”, is what our children are. How blessed they are to have a Mama who *sees* this.

    I love the transparency within your words.

  • http://snoringscholar.com Sarah Reinhard

    This is a prayer I need to start saying. Thanks for the inspiration…

    And here’s a great big {{hug}} for encouragement. Lean on Mary and let God carry you…and don’t be too hard on yourself when you fail.

  • Freya

    Totally, sometimes I just want to be like “DON’T DO THAT–YOU’RE RUINING IT.” Gentleness is a fruit of the spirit, so in order to be gentle (and out of the overflow of the heart, to speak gently) means asking for God’s spirit to be in you–because that’s what produces the fruit. I definitely have just asked God for that, and He’s given it to me. Another thing that helps is just remembering that God has never been harsh with me, He’s always been gentle. Particularly, through my Husband: my Husband is totally compassionate and sympathetic even when I’m upset over something totally trivial. Often I’ll look back and laugh at what upset me, and kind of marvel at how sincerely he heard me out and comforted me. He’s a great example to me, and He’s just reflecting God’s spirit in him. Anyway, praying is excellent, and just remembering, “how would I want them to talk to me?”–not harshly.

  • Amanda

    We had a company yesterday all day…it’s amazing how differently I speak to my children when company is over…I told myself that I need to use company voice with my children all the time. :-)

  • http://www.joyinthisjourney.com Joy – Joy in This Journey

    Same efforts, same prayers here. Except I can usually only get out 2 words “God help” or “God” which sounds like the Lord’s name in vain but is really a prayer.

    I have found that looking for times when I’m most likely to yell and making some changes targeted at those times helps. For me, I’ve removed things from our schedule so we aren’t as crazy and hectic. I also try to pad everything with extra time so I don’t get into a rush. When I’m hurrying, I’m much more likely to holler.

    The lack of sleep one I can’t do much about, except perhaps cutting *myself* slack in an attempt to take the pressure off.

    Bless you for sharing, and for encouraging me to keep working at it.

  • http://faithandfood.morizot.net/ Scott Morizot

    Speaking kindly to my children doesn’t seem much easier to me now that I only have one under 18 than it ever has been. Personally, I found one book (that I’ve re-read many times over the years) very helpful.

    http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/0380811960

    “How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk.”

    After all, I love them and I usually want to actually communicate with them. Not a panacea, but helpful.

    More recently, I’ve found that the more I remember to practice something like the Jesus Prayer, the less likely I am to leap from event to irritation to a saying something in a harsh or angry tone.

    I suppose I might be a little bit better at it now than I was 25+ years ago. But if I am, it doesn’t seem like I’ve made much headway for all the energy I’ve poured into the task.

  • http://www.heidijowhatdoyouknow.blogspot.com Heidi Jo

    looks as though you are not alone!

    yep, struggle daily with it. and i too have found that the ONLY thing that changes it, is 1)the admittance of the sin, 2)the desire to see it changed, 3)prayer for it specifically…as often as needed, 4)divine mercy from God.

  • Deborah L

    I love your “SOS” prayer – simple and to the point. I may have to “borrow” it. Lots of great advice given in the above comments that I am going to try, too. Thanks for this!

  • http://www.madamerubies.com Heather

    I definitely need to be praying this prayer.

  • http://livinglearningandlovingsimply.blogspot.com Aimee

    Two things that have helped me:

    1. Hang out with other moms who speak to their children kindly and gently even when they are under pressure. Their role-modeling helps A LOT! I was raised watching other moms yell at their kids and also using sarcasm constantly and it rubbed off on me. Getting different “modeling” has taught me a ton b/c I just thought rudeness is how moms are supposed to be!!

    2. Bend down and talk to them at eye-level. It totally keeps you from yelling when you are bent and focused. I yell and am bark-y and rude when my kids are in another room or when I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off! If I STOP and look them in the eye, I will not yell and I tend to use my words carefully.

    And it does take time, practice, and reminding myself of the Golden Rule…treat my children the way I want to be treated.

  • http://keepupwiththejs.wordpress.com/ Jessica Johnson

    I stumbled across your blog yesterday and I am in L-O-V-E. You are funny, refreshingly honest, encouraging and have a new fan! :)

  • http://web.me.com/joannekelly/jaykay/Blog/Blog.html joanne

    ahhh! My voice! It’s a daily struggle. With 4 kids: 22, 20, 18, 17, and a live in 2 yr old grandson, you’d think I’d learned this one by now!

    Just this morning my oldest pointed out a “tone” in my voice (frustration?, impatience?, tiredness??). I was sad to hear the reminder, but had to repent and reflect once again.

    Prayer is so essential. Staying in God’s Word is necessary. Hanging out with others who speak gentle kindness is encouraging.

    Thanks so much for the reminder and all the encouragement. God has given ALL we need – - and I, for one will continually take it!

  • http://www.genialhearth.com Fe

    Oooh! So true! I _knew_ those, but had never been _conscious_ of them before!

    That’s an extra pair of tools in my kit:-)

    Thanks!

  • http://www.luckystardesigns.net Miranda

    Beautifully Stated. I just was telling someone I know that tone of voice is everything.

  • http://www.summerhouseliving.com Jana @ The Summer House

    ohhh. I needed to hear this today.
    Jana

  • http://gracefulthreads.blogspot.com/ gt

    I called my husband one day years ago. Remember when we all had answering machines? Well unbeknownst to me it had picked up and recorded our entire conversation. I played it later when I went to check my messages. I.had.no.idea.!! My words were harsh and brash, hurried and just downright bossy, rude…. letsee …. what other adjectives I can think of to convey what a shrew I sounded like… well, shrew is good.

    Anyway this little God orchestrated revelation changed my life. I started to make myself talk kinder, after a while it became more natural. I backslide often. I can tell not because I notice myself so much as I notice my family acting like me, sounding like me.

    I have ALL the power to set the mood in my home. Jesus or the other fellow… I decide who is flowing.

    Confession there, hope you feel affirmed and understood.

    Loved this post!

  • http://emma-marsh.blogspot.com Emma

    Wow! Convicting. Thankyou for the encouragement, and the reminder to pray first!