A root of bitterness

When I’m deciding whether or not to talk to a friend or relative that’s made me angry about the situation, I have learned that its always best for me to wait until I’m no longer angry… no matter how long it takes. Sometimes it takes awhile. Nothing really great ever comes from me using an angry tone that I haven’t mastered yet. I don’t know if this applies to a book or not, but I thought I’d throw it out there for your thoughts… I don’t know you, but I’ll be praying for you. I’ve battled tough times and depression myself, and I know how debilitating it is.

Well, I’m not sure if your book even needs rewriting! And I think answering why you want to rewrite it might help answer this for you.

1- For instance, if you want to rewrite it to remove the angry tone, and you’re still angry, i don’t think you should rewrite the book (yet).
2- If you want to rewrite it because you’re a perfectionist and time has shown you some areas you don’t find perfect, maybe you should.
3-If you want to rewrite it to add content you find important, to show how you’ve changed, maybe you should.
4-But most importantly, if rewriting is going to cause you pain and anxiety because of your anger, maybe you should not (or wait.)

I have an emotionally abusive relationship in my past. In college, I wrote a paper about emotionally abusive relationships. It helped me work through it, and even realize some things that were abusive that at the time I thought were normal… but it was also extremely painful to write.
Years, new relationships, tons of counseling, and 3 journals later, I usually don’t get too mad about it. I could probably write a book about it and it not rip me apart… but if I started and found out that wasn’t the case, I would wait.

I think acknowledging your anger is actually a step in releasing bitterness. Be honest about it. If anger is what you feel, address it head one. Letting it seep through the words and pages just allows it to ooze. Just an idea, but maybe in the intro or Chap 1, address explore, address and write about the anger felt from your experience. Just telling of it and your dissappointments will help you move on, I believe anyway. But to really be free of bitterness is also forgiving even when it doesn’t always feel good to it, at first. Just my experience anyway. I chose to forgive ones who’ve hurt me and at first I didn’t ‘want’ to. But my desire to be closer to my Lord allowed me to dig deep and continue past the FEELings and eventually over time it happened. I really did forgive and WANTed to. So, if my experience can help in any way, I wanted to share it. So, to answer your question, take the anger and spend a chapter or intro to write JUST about that. Then see what happens. You never know what it may do….

My first thought was that no matter how you feel as you write, the thing that should guide you going forward is your motivation. It is entirely possible to feel anger well up as you remember the past and not be writing your book because you are angry. Does that make sense?

For example, I experienced something very painful in my childhood that none of my immediately family of origin is privy to. My husband, one aunt, and one SIL are the only people I’ve shared it with and they have helped me heal. I noticed something about myself. As a general rule, I am never motivated to share this thing with anyone in my family of origin. And the only time I feel an itch to say something is when I want to make certain people look bad, and to generate symptahy for myself, justifying why I won’t let them into my life.

In my opinion, that is no reason to start yapping. If, however, I feel like God wants me to help someone else heal by sharing my story, I’ve shared it, even if I feel angry. Anger is a normal human reaction to injustice, Elizabeth. It is not a reason to stop writing your book.

Bitterness, however, is anger left to fester unchecked and if you feel that is what is moving you to write, I’d say take a break, back away from it, and spend a great deal of time at the feet of Jesus in prayer and receiving healing.

Oh, and one other thing, though I’m sure you’ve already done this: let your husband tell you what he thinks and feels about the words you wrtite and your state of mind. He would probably know better than any of us if this book is coming from a healthy place.

Awesome comment, Caroline. Thank you. Yes, I’ve been holding up this false timeline like: If I don’t write this book by the time I’m 35, I’ll never write it. Etc. In other words, I’m holding my own feet to a fire entirely of my own making! LOL! Thanks for giving me permission to just quit worrying frantically about that.

I love your writing and this is the first time I’ve been inspired to comment. I’m also a survivor of religious abuse, so a lot of your words hit really close to home.

Please don’t edit out your anger. I think sometimes we try too hard to let the past be the past and rise above – and maybe ultimately, we can do that, but there is a lot of muck to work through first, and that’s honest. Also, people need to know what the consequences of these terribly abusive situations are – sure, forgiveness can come in, and peace and healing – but there is anger, and bitterness, and depression and those are all valid feelings too.

Exposing your anger is a way of holding your abusers accountable for their actions. If the anger is glossed over, it makes it sound like everything they did was ok, because you are able (or are working on being able) to forgive. What they did is not ok. What they did caused you pain. Saying that, and feeling that pain/anger, is honest.

Thank you for speaking as honestly as you do. I’m amazed that after all you went through, you still have faith in God – something I wasn’t able to hang onto after my experiences.

I don’t vote for re-writing, I would say KEEP writing. I’ve found writing is very thereputic for me, it helps me process my anger. I also love talking to my husband about it all, it is amazing to have another perspective to encourage you and reassure you that you are not crazy, and he’s the only one who cares to listen to me that long.

You *are* writing your book…..each and every day of your Life!

The life you now live being Mommy will forge a more beautiful perspective on the past and when, God willing, you welcome grandbabies into your family, an even *more* wise EE will be crafting those words.
(I loved reading this post. It validated my secret journals and long standing fears……and I’m 50-something!)

Keep on keeping on! I love to read you.
{{{hugs}}}

Have you read “Waiting For Snow in Havana”? I think of that as a memoir where he looks back with measures of bitterness, humor, and reflection (sometimes all at once). It’s clear that his past was horrible, and he communicates that well, but he has had many years to reflect and come to a place of healing before writing.

I’m not saying you should put the book aside necessarily, I just recommend reading that book if you already haven’t. Obviously a totally different set of circumstances than yours and a different writing voice, but still worthy of a read.

Perhaps reading some more memoirs that you can get more ideas from? I’m sure you’ve read many, but that’s my 2 cents.

I think it’s possible that you’ve written a very fair, and accurate book, even while angry. Is there anyone that you trust deeply enough (both with your heart, and to be completely honest) to let them read the book and give their honest opinion about whether it has “angry rant” qualities, or is fair?

I recently read a really well-done book that managed to give the reader the good, the bad, and the ugly without coming across as having unresolved bitterness. If you’re interested, it’s by Mary-Ann Kirkby, “I Am Hutterite”

I did.
The first time I wrote it, it was for me.
The second time, it was for others.

Well, it’s funny that you commented on this topic as it’s been a bee in my bonnet for quite a while.

It really does seem to be all the rage for folks who grew up in rather strict fundamentalist environments to escape from them in adulthood and write memoirs about them. Folks like reading them, because a lot of people relate to them. Heck, Matthew Paul Turner would be a shiftless hack in the Christian media if not for Churched.

I can relate to these stories because I grew up in a pretty kooky household too (I’ll admit that I probably didn’t grow up in the same type of situation that you did Elizabeth, but it was on that same path.), but I’m really growing tired of the fact that these books and authors when they blog really use their childhood experiences as a chip on their shoulder and routinely beat folks with them for giggles. It bothers me so because it shows that there isn’t just unforgiveness or even bitterness in their heart, but also that they’re no better than the people they’re mocking and beating up. I really fail to see how they’re better than a King James Only-thumping fundamentalist when, for instance they rub in others’ faces the fact that their attitudes toward homosexuals is more liberal than your average evangelical. For all of the talk about how their message is more like what Jesus was really talking about, the post-fundamentalist emergent folks sure aren’t acting like them when it comes to their enemies.

Now, I’ll say that as long as I’ve read your blog and conversed with you on Twitter, you’re not like what has been the bee in my bonnet, so I think you get what I’m getting at. It might just be better to show in your manuscript that God’s done an amazing work in your life and you’re better than the muppets that you grew up with, and are above the mudslinging that, to be frank, that folks of their ilk would want to wage with you if they got their hands on your book (Provided they didn’t burn it for being of the Devil, of course!) ;^)

I read the comments and was surprised not to read this suggestion: Why not (for a short time only) change your focus and write about the ways you were loved and nourished as a child? Focus on what was good, upright, noble, honest. Then you won’t, perhaps, as Scott said, slip into nurturing the bitterness. I don’t suggest that as an invalidation of your experiences, but only as a temporary way to re-balance what feels so outweighed in your thoughts and writings. I hesitate to publish this comment, because it sounds so simplistic. But it came to mind immediately upon reading the post.

Oh wow … so then I go click on this:

http://www.incourage.me/2010/06/why-we-all-need-to-forgive-our-parents-.html

I know your life story isn’t specifically about your parents … but this was … well … you can read it and see what you think.

Wow! Go, Rachel!

My husband and I own a large Christian bookstore in Canada so I will answer your question based on my bookseller and book reader position.

My initial reaction is that it is OK if the book sounds angry. Readers, especially those who may be hurting others, need to experience the emotional pain that their actions can cause. For the reader to feel your pain and anger brings the book beyond theory and into the heart where changes begin.

Perhaps some re-framing would be helpful. Perhaps a postscript telling us about your life today. How are you today? Also, perhaps include in the context of the story some taste of the good times. It’s almost impossible for me to imagine how good times can exist in an abusive situation, but I know they can and they do.

Lastly, do you have a few advance readers/editor people that you would trust to give you input? They would have a better impression than I would as I have not read your draft. A good editor can be worth their weight in gold.

God bless you. I believe your story should be told.

(Our bookstore? houseofjames.com – Let us know when the book is ready!)

I’m coming at this question as a former composition teacher. Not that I was ever especially qualified to teach composition; but I found myself doing so anyway and did read a ton of books on writing in the process, to try to understand this subject I was teaching.

One thing I learned about writing, the thing I drove home in all my classes, was the value of re-writing. The first draft is for figuring out what you have to say. You may think before you set pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) that you know what you are going to say. But you don’t. Not really. Writing is a way of exploring a subject, getting to the heart of it, a way of understanding it.

The second draft is for figuring out how you want to say it. Who is your audience? What do you want to tell them? What do you want them to take away from your book. Like someone already said, the first draft is for you, the second draft is for others.

Sometimes– often–you will find upon re-reading that a complete rewrite from the ground up is in order. Frustrating as heck and who would embark on a first draft if they knew at the end that the whole thing was just a practice run and they’d have to start over at the beginning and do it all over again?

My advice would be to sit on it. Put it in a drawer and don’t look at it for a few months. Then re-read it. (Or maybe you already did that and this blog post is the result of that waiting period and re-read? I can’t tell.)

Probably if you think it is too bitter, it is. Probably if you think it is too angry, it is. If that’s not the story you really want to tell, then don’t let it stay there.

Personally, my guess is that if there is too much anger or bitterness the story isn’t really over yet. Christ is a healer and if that healing hasn’t happened then he’s still working on you. Writing is one way of allowing him to heal you. But so is waiting in stillness and silence.

Go spend some time in prayer before him in the Blessed Sacrament and let him tell you whether you need to be writing or doing something else. If the answer is something else, then right now is not the time to be writing. But that doesn’t mean that the book will never be written; just that it is not the time now. Maybe it isn’t meant to happen for another decade. Or two. Or three. Doesn’t mean you don’t have something to say that needs to be said and needs to be heard. But you may not yet be the person who can say it in the way it needs to be said.

This was a great post with great thoughts. For me, Frankie Schaeffer’s autobiography was fascinating but was really marred by his anger that still came through so strongly. I wonder if you could take an autobiography that whose non-bitter-yet-still-honest tone you really appreciate it, and use it as an example of how to write without letting the pain mar the story?