Aridity of spirit

Posted on June 27, 2010 by elizabeth

Swing
I walked out of church today. The Presbyterian pastor made a derogatory remark about Catholics and his sword of spiritual elitism sliced me open. Everyone else laughed but I bled all the way up the aisle, stumbled out into the sunny courtyard and blinked back tears.

Most Sundays I feel far too broken and weak to brave the sermon. I'm not strong in the face of the booming male voice of Biblical authority. I bleed too easily. 

But still, every Sunday morning I get up and put on my church clothes. I put on my church face. I put on my church talk. It's my armor. It hides my aching, bruised soul. Every Sunday morning I hope for just one taste, just one tiny draught of grace.

We attend a Presbyterian church as a family and later, I go to Mass alone.

What this usually means is that on Sunday morning I get torn apart and on Sunday evening I get sewn back together.

It's a cobbled-together faith that matches my cobbled-together life. 

Today, sitting alone in the sunny courtyard, I really felt the schisms that divide Christians. I've inherited the centuries' old grudge of Protestant v. Catholic. Sometimes it feels like I'm being asked to pick between two equally beloved parents. How do I pick? I love them both.

And so I wept for the divorce. I wept for everything that Protestants threw away during the Reformation and I wept for the sex scandals that are rocking the Catholic Church. I wept for the misunderstandings and the misconceptions, the prideful one-upmanship, the false dichotomies and the pitting of brother against brother.

Mostly, I wept because I don't know how to fix it.

Sometimes I think God is asking me to live in the place of brokenness. In fact, I know this is what He's asking me to do. And frankly, I hate it. I accept it. I don't resent it. But it's painful and, well, I don't like pain.

So, every Sunday morning I get up and put on my church clothes. I put on my church face. I don't have zealous feelings or passion. 

I don't have the answers for repairing the breach or mending the centuries' old divorce.

But I do have love. And I can choose to obey. I can give my broken, paltry offering.

By God's grace, perhaps it will be enough.

One single act done with aridity of spirit is worth more than many done with feelings of devotion. –St. Francis de Sales

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  • http://profile.typepad.com/6p01157215d17d970b Ann Voskamp@Holy Experience

    And this, this is all you need…
    You do have Love.

    All my love…
    Ann

  • http://profile.typepad.com/6p01157215d17d970b Ann Voskamp@Holy Experience

    (and sometimes, grace drips down from the most unexpected places. I believe and I live brave, holding hands open, waiting expectant. He is a fountain….

    All, all my love, E.E….
    Ann)

  • http://profile.typepad.com/laughingmomma Laughingmomma

    Amazing post. While I am not juxtaposed to the same extent…I too find myself at odds with the church we worship in…his grace Fills In the gaps.

  • http://www.madamerubies.com Heather

    Divorce is the perfect metaphor for this. I had never thought of it but it just feels right.

  • http://sevenlittleaustralians.blogspot.com/ Erin

    Oh Elizabeth{{}} What a heartbreaking journey you are traveling, know I’m praying for you as you strive to do His will. You know the truth is you cannot fix it, but He can:) {{}}

  • Joanie

    Oh, bless you, Dear Elizabeth! (And the sweet picture of you on the swing makes it that much more poignant.)

  • http://bellwhistlemoon.blogspot.com/ mary bailey

    Your bravery and obedience are remarkable. Your tears are special, too, especially to God. It is the people who are absolutely comfortable on Sundays, the ones who do not question, who I think may not be growing with Him.

    I often wonder, where is a church that is like the first-century church, the one that grew b/c people saw how authentically the believers worshiped together and how authentic was their zeal and excitement and closeness to Jesus.

    I happen to be a big fan of the Reformation myself, but, that aside, I can see the need for different denominations. Your blog has helped me see that. Where I chafe at the rote repetition of liturgy, I can see that liturgy is freeing for other people. Just as worshiping in an evangelical church is freeing for me. I grow here, you grow there. God meets us everywhere.

    Thank you for sharing from your journey.

  • Nina

    I also am in a broken place and don’t know if I’ll ever heal from the effects on my heart and soul of :divorce: this divorce of religion (I am Catholic, but wasn’t raised so, none of my family of origin is), parental divorce, family estrangement which has felt like divorce—-well: actually death, but that’s another topic—-the “divorce from reality” that has been my brother’s fate due to his mental illness (schizophrenia), and the constant struggle not to “divorce” from my own ideas, ideals, self-identity. Elizabeth, thank you for this post.

  • http://maplegrove.blogspot.com Sandy C.

    Oh, Elizabeth. Once again you are not alone. I go to mass by myself every Sunday morning. Most weeks it is fine. Today, I felt…alone. My 22 year old son converted to Catholicism this spring but he lives in NYC and I miss him. My 20 year old daughter attends an Evangelical college and is confused by my interest in Catholicism. My husband was so hurt by our stint in an Evangelical church he can’t gather much enthusiasm for any church. I continue to go to mass, to pray daily, to walk my journey toward grace, toward Jesus, toward healing. Man, it is so hard.

    God bless your obedience and your honesty.

    Sandy

  • Alice

    Thank you SO much for this, Elizabeth! I also am the only Catholic (convert) in my family and am about to make an even deeper commitment to a lay apostolate. Several family members will attend the ceremony, as will my best friend, who also is not Catholic. I love them, they love me. I weep with you, and would hug you if I could.

  • KatR

    I no longer go to church at all. After twelve years in an abusive church, and seven years out trying to heal, I no longer think that healing can come for me within Christianity.

    I don’t love God. I’m terrified of him. On a good day I think he is neglectful, on a bad day, overtly abusive. It finally dawned on me that staying with someone because you are afraid they will hurt you is the classic definition of an abusive relationship.

    I can’t do the church face anymore, I simply cannot do it.

  • http://www.happyonmybehalf.com Betsy@HappyOnMyBehalf

    KatR, Thank you so much for your honesty. I just want to say that before I comment on this post. I really hope that you begin to feel loved by God, but I’d rather have a friend like you who is honest than one who pretends to love God and doesn’t.

    Anyway, EE, my heart aches for you. Way to go attending the Protestant church. I know that the Protestant church needs Catholics like you, just like the Catholic church needs Protestants like me. We are one family, and I LOVE that you aren’t throwing away half your family.

    We ARE the future of the church….the ones who long for reconciliation. As long as you feel called, I urge you to continue to be brave and let yourself continue to “live in this place of brokenness.” It is a beautiful thing to be broken when Christ calls us to be! You feel divided…which is exactly the state of Christ’s bride.

    I’m praying for you and for all of us. Thanks for your honesty and your tenderness.

  • http://profile.typepad.com/kansasbob Kansas Bob

    I can so relate. It took a long time (and a loving UMC pastor) to get me to a place where I like church and sermons again.

  • http://www.thegreenlife05.blogspot.com Stephanie

    If you’re interested, I posted my response on my own blog. http://www.thegreenlife05.blogspot.com

  • http://princessjenia.blogspot.com Jenia

    I grew up with a Baptist mother and a Russian Orthodox father, and was baptized twice (!) because of that. It took me years to form my own opinion about different confessions, and at this point I feel more or less the same way you do. It hurts me deeply when someone calls Catholic beliefs “a bunch of nonsense” or calls Baptists idiots, even though I am neither. I know it’s hard to love something you don’t understand, and most of the time people don’t even want to try to understand. Can’t we at least learn some respect though?

  • http://thejcrew-kj.blogspot.com/ kdw2382@msn.com

    So, so timely. I walked out of church today to. I waited out in the lobby for my husband and kids to meet me there. I sat. Broken. Sad. Frusterated. Angry. Shedding hot tears.

    Why is it ‘us’ vs. ‘them?’

    Different reasons. Still divisive

    So tired. So weary.

    If only, on my little bench, I would have known there was another woman out there. Feeling the same.

    I do now.

    Thank you.

  • http://www.elizabethesther.com Elizabeth Esther

    Ann: I always get a little flutter in my tummy when you comment here. Your writing has always been such a balm to my heart. Thank you for your grace and your love. You inspire me. I know we can be broken together….xo. EE.

  • http://www.elizabethesther.com Elizabeth Esther

    You know, I was worried that picture of me on the swing wouldn’t fit the story–but my daughter snapped it of me this past weekend and I’m so glad you saw the beauty in it. Thank you.

  • http://www.elizabethesther.com Elizabeth Esther

    Nina: in the broken place with you….((hugs))

  • http://www.elizabethesther.com Elizabeth Esther

    Next time I go to Mass alone I’ll know I’m not really alone. You are out there, too. :)

  • http://www.elizabethesther.com Elizabeth Esther

    You *are* hugging me! :)

  • http://www.elizabethesther.com Elizabeth Esther

    Kat: I’m so glad you read here. Thank you for sharing with me. I cherish your honesty.

  • http://www.elizabethesther.com Elizabeth Esther

    Stephanie: WOW! Really cool!

  • http://www.elizabethesther.com Elizabeth Esther

    You are welcome. We will warm our lonely little benches united in spirit. :)

  • http://www.sheilasiler.blogspot.com Sheila

    I am enjoying reading your honest blogs. Though I am not Catholic myself, I believe the answer is not in the church you go to, but your relationship with God. Have you ever read any books by Brennan Manning? You might try “Ragamuffin Gospel”. Just a thought. I’m sorry for your tears today.

  • http://www.nicolewick.com Nicole WIck

    This is so beautifully written. I grew up Catholic and have a very Catholic family. Many of them are solid believers and others of them check in on major holidays. I also feel bad when we talk about Catholics. I recently wrote a post about my return to Catholicism. You might like it:

    http://www.nicolewick.com/2010/05/return-to-catholicism/

  • Gail Brightbill

    Your term “spiritual elitism” struck a chord because that is what we’ve found amongst those in the denomination we left for good today after nearly 14 years of membership. It grieves us because there is so much of God’s truth in this denomination, but they often convey the idea that they have the corner on it. Where God leads us next only he knows.

  • http://sortacrunchy.typepad.com Megan@SortaCrunchy

    I can’t tell you how many times I’ve come *this close* to walking out of my (Southern Baptist) church. Thank you for sharing bravely and boldly your story and your heartbreaking experience. I hope the next time I feel sliced open by divisiveness, I’ll be able to summon the courage to find my way out.

  • http://isaacbvilla.blogspot.com/ isaacbvilla

    When we put all our stock into the words a man upfront tells us, it can hurt and destroy us as much as it can feed our souls…I pray that you find a way to continue to walk your walk of love with God, and that the things that tear you apart can be things we as a community of Christ strive to tie back together.

  • http://www.readhearseefeel.blogspot.com Ruthinthedesert

    Thank you for sharing your heart. I am a Protestant who sees the beauty in Catholicism.

  • Rachel

    Very well put and heart felt. I identify with the cobbled-together life and cobbled-together faith.

    I have observed that when we as humans believe we have found absolute truth it is very easy for us to fall into a form of pride, elitism. Blinded by that pride we fail to see the pain we cause. I always think of the verse, “by this will all men know that you are my disciples, that you love one another.”

  • http://andthecreekdontrise.blogspot.com Lori B.

    I’m always fascinated by your blog. I grew up Southern Baptist and was the girl who dared ask where in the Bible it said drinking (not getting drunk) was a sin. As you can imagine that didn’t go over real well.

    When I met my husband, I started attending the Lutheran Church and have been a Lutheran for about 15 years now. Some times I feel like I’m lost somewhere in the middle of these two denominations. I never thought I’d miss the Baptist church, but then I had children and the Baptists had great Bible studies with childcare, and I remembered the good things about the Baptist church. But the last one I went to made me uncomfortable. I felt like my salvation was being questioned, and it reminded me of all the bad stuff. But the Lutheran church is isn’t exactly perfect either. I can’t think on it too much or my head begins to hurt. I just try to focus on the important things like God’s mercy and grace, and salvation through Christ.

    BTW, I couldn’t figure out how to comment on your “Better Than a Hallelujah” post, but I’m friends with one of the co-writers, Sarah Hart. She’s Catholic and has her own music out on iTunes. If you don’t know about her, you should check her out. She overflows with God’s grace. I think you’d like her stuff.

  • Amy

    Elizabeth-upon reading this it struck me as to how your story of brokenness is very much like that of the story of the last supper, the cruxifiction(did I spell that right?) & the resurrection. You trust, are betrayed & ultimately broken before you can be made “whole” or one with God again. We all have to have our proverbial “walk in the desert”. Please know you don’t walk alone. We all will eventually get to a place of unbrokenness – no matter what “church” we go to. Many blessings to you on your journey!

  • frogla

    Hi! I’ve been an admirer from afar and this is my first time commenting on your blog. I really didn’t think you’d miss me since you have sooo many supporters. LOL

    My husband is in an online cult a very small starter kit of David Koresh. So being online right now isn’t my favorite & it is kind tricky for me. I’m praying for God’s wisdom and guidance. Right now I need support, fun blogs like yours, truth, & to know that having online friendships is okay & not scary.

    He & his cult speaks so badly about the Catholics and I grew up Catholic. He also met all his cult members and leader online so *gulp* I’m online and meeting normal & healthy ppl like yourself. Anyway, maybe you can see why I observed from afar. I do make comment regularly on Hillary’s site but she gets my story.

    Thnx for sharing your self! I admire that & idk when I’ll be ready for that am praying.

  • http://faithandfood.morizot.net/ Scott Morizot

    Hey Elizabeth, the times I’ve either walked out (or stayed shaking with rage) have typically been those times when “parenting” examples and anecdotes have been given drawing from the like of Dobson and the like. The xenophobic denominational jokes and chatter I tend to mentally screen out. But I do understand the general sentiment.

    My family (and friends) are all over the map both within and without Christianity and have been my whole life. That’s part and parcel of my pluralistic formation and outlook. However, as a Christian, it’s obvious to me and has always been obvious to me that 30k+ denominations and non-denominations are a real problem. It’s almost like Christianity is trying to adopt a Hindu framework, but it just doesn’t work in our faith.

    I’m not and have never really been particularly comfortable in our SBC church. (My late aunt was Presbyterian, but I still can’t imagine attending a Presbyterian church every week.) But every time we try to do anything else, it always seems to be the only place that everyone in our immediate family can agree to at least tolerate. /shrug

    It’s hard enough trying to be and remain Christian without all this mess complicating it. Peace.

  • http://www.kathleenbasi.com Kathleen@so much to say, so little time

    You are a beautiful person, and your willingness to share your vulnerability with us blesses us all.

  • http://ginagsmith.com gina

    I guess as long as churches are run by humans, there will be huge disappointments to deal with, even to expect. I’m just so glad that even though “men are God’s method” in so many ways, we all serve a God who is rich in mercy and grace for us all. Sorry you have had so much disappointment, EE.

  • Agnes

    EE, I admire you and others here who are being hurt by church. Does that sound weird? I’ll explain.. my pastor said last night at church that we are all of us screwed up. We will continue to hurt each other. That will not change. As Christians, the only difference between us and others is that we KNOW we’re screw-ups. Basically, get a bunch of human beings together and that’s what happens! Along with some good stuff of course LOL ;) He said that if we have NOT ever been hurt in church, it means we’ve not truly engaged with people in it. (Think family.. anyone got a family who never hurts each other? Didn’t think so LOL ;) So, I admire you all because you have cared enough to let yourselves be hurt. As for me, my mom did enough hurting and walking out for all of us, and my expectations are rock bottom for church. I go, I love it, but I’m not fully engaged with people or the pastor enough to really be hurt by them as a ‘church’ group. Maybe that needs to change. Thanks for sharing your heart.. as always..

  • http://www.sonlightblog.com/ Luke Holzmann

    Oh, yes! May we experience the love and unity in Christ that we should have as we follow Him in the ways He has called us. I’ve been encouraged seeing a greater emphasis on disregarding the denominational barriers in the younger generation at my church, so perhaps we–as a Church–are growing up and maturing in our love. May it be so!

    ~Luke

  • Agnes

    Just to clarify.. knowing the terrible past church experiences of some here.. there are scary churches to run from, and just the normal ones. I’m talkin’ the normal ones.

  • http://www.thewinedarksea.com/weblog.php MelanieB

    “Sometimes I think God is asking me to live in the place of brokenness. In fact, I know this is what He’s asking me to do.”

    Oh, Elizabeth, when I read this I heard this:

    “Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake, and in my flesh I am filling up what is lacking in the afflictions of Christ on behalf of his body, which is the church…” Colossians 1:24

    Such a heartbreaking vocation: to bear within yourself the wound in the Body of Christ, the separation of His Church into all these splintered factions.

    Oh I pray that one day these wounds may heal and we may all be one in Him.

    Praying that God grant you strength to carry your cross.

  • velinka

    “But I do have love. And I can choose to obey. I can give my broken, paltry offering.”

    What a gift… such an honest offering is more than many even *desire* to give. With open hearts and hands, placing ourselves in His care…. is there a better place to be? Leaning on the only one that can truly satisfy our soul…

    I love the picture… just perfect.

  • http://terrybreathinggrace.wordpress.com terry@breathing grace

    Elizabeth, sometimes I wish I could just hug you, but this will have to do:

    (((HUGS))), my wonderful sister in the Lord…

    Who was it that said we’re all screwed up? I second that.

  • http://papuagirlindallas.blogspot.com/ Kacie

    Amen to this. I have longed for the Catholic and Eastern Orthodox Church because they are at least a united body that has existed since the beginning, and I love for that unity, that history, that security.

    But what they ask of me is to say that they are right and that all those around me now are wrong, and…. and I just don’t know if I believe that.

    And so… I feel stuck in between, like you.

    and yesterday my pastor preached on the End Times it was just one of those sermons that made me internally roll my eyes and grit my teeth because it is so just ONE SMALL divisive view and not what I think is most important, which is the love and grace of Christ….

  • tanya

    Frogla – my prayers are with you as you seek out “normal”. You must be in such a tough place. God Bless!

    EE – this is such a touching post. We all know that Jesus last prayer on earth was for unity, “that they would be one, as we (he & the father) are one”.

    I’d like to recommend Peter Kreeft’s “Jesus Shock”. It’s a short & simple read, and he talks so lovingly about Protestants and Catholics. It’s easier to be triumphal or divisive, but he sees the beauty in both and what we should learn from each other.
    (in one of his talks he says, “When Catholics are evangelized, Protestants will be sacramentalized”. A worthy goal for both sides.)

    God Bless!

  • Mary E.

    Great post, I can relate about really feeling the divide among Christians. Without going into a big long post about my own history, I’ll just say that I have been in both the Catholic and nondenominational evangelical worlds, and have been exposed to Baptist churches and thinking via my husband’s family. Now my husband and I are very seriously thinking of converting (in my case, reverting) to the Catholic Church.

    If we were to do this, all of his Baptist family would think we were one step away from Satan worshippers. May of our nondenom friends would think we no longer have a relationship with Jesus, when actually, reading about church history and attending mass has made me feel closer to Jesus. But that’s just my story and I’m not trying to convert anyone else.

    My point is, I have found people who are genuine in both worlds and I have found people who are just going through the motions in both worlds too. The difference is, at least here in the US, I’ve heard Baptists and Evangelical Christian refer to Catholics as “not real Christians” or “pagans.” Meanwhile, if the Catholics and priests I’ve heard do refer to Protestants, they include Protestants as Christians and brothers in Christ.

    Although my Baptist inlaws know I was raised Catholic, they have said in my presence, and sometimes to my face, such falsehoods as: Catholics worship the pope, resacrifice Christ at every Mass, worship idols, aren’t “real” Christians, etc. None of these things they believe about the Catholic Church are Catholic doctrine, but there is no effort made to find out what Catholic doctrine really is from Catholic sources. I’ve had to walk away from dinner tables and picnic tables when this stuff comes up. And you know what it makes me want to do? Run to the Catholic church, because at least there, I don’t hear people putting down other denominations.

    If people would read a little about church history and the early church fathers, and get information about Catholics from Catholic sources (the “Ask an Apologist” section on catholic.com is good) they would at least realize that Catholicism is not some crazy, occult, pagan religion. I am not expecting anyone to convert, but if people could just stop seeing Catholics as pagans and fake Christians, that would be enough for me at this point.

  • Mary E.

    Ok, so much for not writing a big long post about my own history, sorry! But this feels like a safe place to vent about this.

  • http://silly-bear.com Sarah

    This post refreshes my soul. Thank you.

  • http://halemelehomeschool.blogspot.com Renee

    Hi Elizabeth Esther,
    I’m brand new to your blog. Than you for sharing your heart with us. Our family has had similar struggles. Though we now find ourselves to be closer liturgically and theologically than ever before. Hang in there! God bless you!
    Renee

  • http://profile.typepad.com/sadiemotta JoAnn Motta

    you need to go to 6p on Sundays at St. Thomas More…the music is the most healing and peace–inducing I have ever heard….

  • http://www.katewicker.com Kate Wicker

    It will be enough.

    And opening your wounds just may be enough to bring healing to others.

    Thank you for yet another heartbreakingly honest post. We are vulnerable and broken, but we are so afraid to show this side.

    Peace and prayers…

  • http://heart-and-home.net Ashleigh (Heart and Home)

    Your honesty, beloved friend, touches my soul.

    The divorce, oh, this ugly divorce… it wounds us all, whether or not we have eyes to see it.

    I wonder… will we ever let Love cover all? Or is it too late for our race?

    So thankful that Jesus gives grace, even through hot tears and broken hearts.

    I love you.

  • http://heart-and-home.net Ashleigh (Heart and Home)

    And why did I think you were Orthodox, Scott??

    Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be comfortable anywhere… or if there are just too many wounds to ever to find a place to rest.

  • http://MeditativeMeanderings.blogspot.com Susanne Barrett

    AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

    I *SO* understand where you are; I have been there myself. So many times. Our EV Free Church pastors have made such comments about Catholics in the past, right from the pulpit. And my heart bled….

    Then one of our former elders (his wife the choir director and a Bible study leader) reverted to the Catholic Church; his wife entered the Church this Easter Vigil. And it shocked the hell out of our church.

    And I lost my partners-in-crime and advocates for the united Church when they left. I’m thrilled for them, but I’m stuck here in evangelical town…alone. Then my best friend at church left…also to attend a Catholic Church.

    I feel more Left Behind than Tim LaHaye.

    My husband has a horror of the Catholic Church; I love much about it. He allows me to attend a conservative Anglican Church (really Anglo-Catholic, but he doesn’t know that!) on weekdays as a peace offering, but he wants me to continue at the EV Free Church. I have lots of friends there–we’ve been there for 17 years. It’s the only church our kids have ever attended…besides the Anglican church.

    So, anyway, I feel your pain, the bleeding of the schism among Christians. I hate the divorce between Catholic and Protestants. I. Hate. It.

    Anyway, I sent you a huge e-mail last week about my experiences. And I’m right there with you on that bench.

  • Elizabeth Larson-DiPippo

    Elizabeth,

    Thank you so much for your honesty with this post. My story is much like many others here. I grew up in the independent fundamentalist style churches that my dad was the pastor of and it wasn’t until I was in my late teens and early twenties that I started searching for myself. Now I am married to a wonderful guy who happens to be ex-Catholic and I am so grateful for his relationship with God. It makes me want what he has but it seems so far away at our evangelical style church sometimes. I have great friends there and our pastor is a wonderful guy but I also long for the richness of liturgy and the solidness that comes from centuries of tradition. I love attending mass with my in-laws while at the same time I see it sucking the life out of my husband. Much the same way he is able to glean richness from my Dad’s sermons that only serve to set my teeth on edge. All of that to say that I totally understand you walking out to sit on the bench and I wish I were there to give you a hug and let you know you are not alone. ((hugs))

  • http://sue-livingandlearning.blogspot.com/ Sue

    Thank you, EE, for being a voice for many. Love you!

  • http://www.annkroeker.wordpress.com Ann Kroeker

    Maybe by being there, broken, in two different places…you are representing the hope of union through your struggling attempt to live in both?

  • http://gritandglory.com/ alece

    you are on my heart. so strongly.

    i’m glad i got the chance to hug you.

  • http://profile.typepad.com/6p01157215d17d970b Ann Voskamp@Holy Experience

    I am praying the hours early… http://divineoffice.org/… and praying with you… wrapping you in prayer.

    He leads you, holds you… loves you.

    I send all mine… all mine.

    ((EE))

    All’s grace,
    Ann

  • http://profile.typepad.com/1207707560s17753 Arianne (To Think Is To Create)

    Hugs to you sweet girl. Keep searching for Truth, keep seeking Him. You’re so loved.

  • Anonymous

    EE and all, it is so amazing and helpful to read of all of you here who have issues with church attendance. I no longer go anywhere…am searching…don’t go to my husband’s church and have nearly lost my stomach for any
    church at all for the time being. I walked out on my husband’s church after one too many Sundays where the domination of women (preached and practiced) was just too much for me. I miss being able to go to church with my husband but the price for me is yet too high. He has been gracious, too. It is not easy to have a church disjoint with immediate family members-especially one’s spouse.

    I hurt for you, too…and the others who have shared their painful church experiences here. Tears and hugs…

  • http://waterwatereverywhere.blogspot.com MainlineMom aka Sarah

    Oh Elizabeth I’m so so sorry. It is so difficult when people insist on dividing rather than uniting the body of Christ. I happen to be a Presbyterian attending a Baptist church but I love my Catholic brothers and sisters…especially the ones with hearts like yours.

  • http://faithandfood.morizot.net/ Scott Morizot

    Just noticed this and you probably won’t see my reply. You probably thought I was Orthodox because I read and quote a lot of Orthodox people? In truth, my beliefs are more Orthodox than anything else. However, it’s a strange thing. I didn’t encounter Orthodoxy and change my beliefs. Rather, I stumbled across Orthodoxy while reading an evangelical book (Praying with the Church by Scot McKnight) and discovered that the “breath prayer” I had been praying for years was the Jesus Prayer and was one of the most ancient prayer traditions and central to Orthodox practice. That caught my attention and I dug deeper. And I discovered the Orthodox said the things about Jesus and God that had pulled me into and kept me in Christian faith. Until that moment, I wasn’t sure anyone else believed some of those things about God. (Well obviously I knew a bunch of the ancient Christians did, but I couldn’t find much evidence anywhere today.)

    However, the only church to which I’ve belonged is an SBC church. /shrug Somehow I manage.

  • http://www.blestatheist.com Elizabeth Mahlou

    The irony of it all is that I doubt if God cares what denomination or religion we are. He asks only that we love Him and love one another. So, why are we arguing over minor differences in how we do that? And why do we miss out on the second part and yet still think we are doing the first?

  • http://colleenspiro.blogspot.com colleen

    I am a Catholic convert and I love my Protestant brothers and sisters. And I pray for us all to become one church someday. Hugs and blessings.

  • http://thedevoutlife.blogspot.com Mindyleigh

    Being a Catholic convert myself, I no longer presume to understand or know about the experience of other faiths or denominations, other than the one I was formerly a part of. I had so many flaws in my understanding of Catholicism that I discovered were completely wrong. Also, I see so much more now other peoples’ confusion about it.

    There have been some stunning movements going on within me this past year since I have converted…and I think one of my favorite developments is the difference I have encountered in working through grief.

    Each morning, I attend Mass very early with our local Dominicans at the Cathedral, followed by praying the Divine Office. For a few weeks recently, I ended these prayers with an outpouring of tears. So much lovely pain flowing out, all a blessing from God as He revealed His grace and healing in my soul.

    Now, in my former evangelical church, this would have immediately brought a small group of people with kleenex and concern to assuage my pain and wipe my tears…to help me find the right perspective, etc.

    In the Catholic church, everyone assumes that God is working on you. :) No kleenex, no small group…but a monk and priest praying steadfastly before me…I knew he was praying for me because I felt the tangible effects of his prayers.

    I guess one could argue against one or the other, but probably, both these responses are right. :)

    Hmm…I may need to blog about this…lol

    God bless you! I’m loving your blog.

  • nobodyssister

    I would love a refuge from the judgment of Fundamentalism. But frankly, the Catholic church has been just as rife with it. When I was a child, my Catholic classmates took great delight in telling me that I couldn’t get in to heaven because my parents hadn’t gotten me baptized. I have also heard Catholics like my Mother-in-law use the term heathen to refer to Protestants.

    I am baffled when I hear of Catholicism as a refuge from Fundamentalism.

    To EE, it was the Catholic church that threw away Martin Luther, not the other way around.

  • Final Anonymous

    Elizabeth, I just now read this post and am wondering, are you still attending the same Presbyterian church? I’m wondering if Presbyterian is the right denomination for a family such as yours. I’ve been in a lot (a LOT) of different denominations, and I seem to remember Methodists being more compassionate about things like that. We had a number of Catholics in our congregation who did not attend their church because of a divorce, remarriage, etc. (something violating Catholic tenets, so that they did not feel welcome in mass, for whatever reason), but still held on to their Catholic membership. And as a former Presbyterian, I had no trouble with Methodist doctrine or liturgy. The pastor there told me the beliefs that unite us are God, dot dot dot, Jesus, dot dot dot, Holy Spirit, dot dot dot. His exact words! I don’t know if all Methodist churches are that open, but they’ve certainly seemed more accommodating than the Prebyterians, in my limited experience.

    Hope things are better… church issues just suck.

  • Kim

    Elizabeth,

    While our circumstances are different, my heart aches with recognition of your plight. Loving God and being able to live with His people without feeling torn and broken are two different things. Sometimes the ache is almost too much for me, even though I’m deeply and passionately involved in my Protestant church.

    When my heart aches the most, it comforts me to remember that Jesus Himself is whole and unconfused, even though His church often isn’t. He sees. He knows. He will heal in due time. I love the days when I can let that be enough.

    Trusting Him in the midst of brokenness along with you, Kim

  • http://www.extraordinaryordinarylife.blogspot.com/ Gretchen

    Not that there is an easy answer but I grew up Independent Fundamental Baptist (even Southern Baptists were too liberal) and I now find my home at an Evangelical Free church which is unbelievably awesome and where grace abounds.

  • http://www.lifeasdescribed.com Cathy

    Ok, I’m about to talk a lot… ready? :)

    First, can I just say that I hate “religion”. I am a Christian and was saved at a very young age, but I’ve come to recognize that it’s the definition of religion that separates us. That we, as people, feel we need a label of what “religion” we are to define us. I don’t think that’s even remotely what God would want. I think He desires a personal relationship with us and for us to use the bible as our guidebook and that is IT. For us to know Him, to talk beside Him and to share His love with others.

    But, we live in a broken world {obviously no surprise there, the bible tells us this} and are brought up in/around a broken “system” of religion. I don’t like it, but I have found a way to coexist in it I guess. I don’t want it to get in the way of me having a personal relationship with a God that loves us and wants goodness for us.

    It’s taken my husband and I quite a long time (about 9 years I guess) to find a church that fits us. That feels just right when we go. We’re accepted and loved by our church family and we feel it’s a place that God is really working. Really and truly. I have no other way to describe it but we had that instant “feeling” when we walked through the doors. I recommend everyone do that quite frankly. To not blindly do what their extended family has done for ages, but to become of age and decide what is right for them and their life. For some that means a more structured church/religious outlet, and for others like myself, it means a church where the motto is “we meet you right where you are”. That just made me say “ahhh, in a refreshing sorta way, right from the start. But that is me, maybe not you or your neighbor and that is ok!

    I think a relationship with God is a very personal thing and that the church is a simply an outlet to worship Him in the company of other believers who help to encourage us in our walk with Him. I also think it’s a tool in which we can serve – acting as an extension for reaching out to the community and those who don’t yet know him. {larger voice/bigger impact, type of thing}.

    I’m so sorry you’ve had a bad set of experiences with “religion” and “the church”. I am deeply saddened when this happens because it can really leave a life-long impression on someone and make them turn away all together and this is so, so unfortunate. I too went to a church a few years back where the pastor bad mouthed another sister church {of a different denomination}. This very church was helping this other smaller/new church to get off the ground, offering their time and finances. I was so appalled and embarrassed for him and it was in no way something I wanted to be associated with, so I simply stopped going and continued my search. Sheep come in all sorts of clothing, unfortunately, even church clothes. And, even pastor’s/priests aren’t perfect {has taken me a long time to come to terms with that, odd I know}, but I do still hold them to a higher standard for the sheer fact of their role in the community. {But that’s my opinion, of course… this all is!}

    I really am praying for healing for you and a closer relationship with God. He wants that more than anything else. In time, I pray that that you can find a church home that your entire family feels comfortable with, including yourself. I think that’s so, so important.

    ~Cathy