Forgiving again and again and again and…

Posted on August 16, 2010 by elizabeth

Mom1980
My mother and me, 1980.

A couple of weeks ago, I began to feel a deep uprooting in my heart. I've been struggling with forgiveness.

The process of writing my book and delving into my experience inside the abusive fundamentalist church of my childhood was an important step for me in understanding what happened and why.

But also, it took a toll on me. For reasons I don't exactly understand, I think it may have helped trigger the depression I've been battling for the last 10 months. 

Something about this quote resonated with me:

Pardon one another so that later on you will not remember the injury. The recollection of an injury…adds to our anger…It is a rusty arrow and poison for the soul. It puts all virtue to flight. –St. Francis of Paola

Last week I retreated to my favorite, quiet spot. I knew in my heart that it was time to let go. I knelt before the Blessed Sacrament and let the immensity of silence seep into my being.

Nothing big happened, just a gentle loosening. Perhaps I unclenched my fists a little bit. I have felt so scared. For so long, I haven't felt like surrender was possible.

But there, kneeling before the Blessed Sacrament, I felt safe. Like maybe, just maybe I could ease up on the death-grip a little, let myself settle into the eternal silence.

And then I went home and back to my duties. I washed dishes. I fed my children. Softly, it came to me:

Elizabeth, it's time to give up your rage.

I didn't even know I had rage. But rage is anger coupled with helplessness. And yes, I have felt that.

I called my mother.

I told her about the depression, the crushing sense of failure and helplessness.

My mother listened to me weep and then she put her love into action. She helped me accept my depression, babysat my children, helped reorganize my home.  

Looking back, I can see how she has loved me with quiet kindness through every step of this dark season in my life–even before I confided in her. By softening my heart and allowing her to help me, I have seen the fruits of her genuine faith: love, gentleness, joy.

My mother has become and is becoming my friend. It is nothing short of the mercy of God. It is an inexplicable, mind-boggling kind of grace.

How is it that pain and beauty are inextricably bound up together? Why must we deeply drink of a mixed cup: sorrow mingled with joy?

I think I'm finally ready to accept that there's never going to be a nice, tidy happy resolution. Maybe I'll always struggle with going to church. I still can't speak of some of the things I experienced and maybe I'll always battle with depression.

But one thing I know: I'm ready to forgive.

Or, at least, I'm ready to move toward that place. I'm ready to release the death-grip.

And one day when I seek my own children's forgiveness, I'm hoping that bridge of forgiveness will still be standing. 

Because today I crossed it.

And tomorrow I'll cross it again. And again…

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  • http://www.heidijowhatdoyouknow.blogspot.com Heidi Jo

    that looks exactly like you….(your mother). wow. sweet forgivness.

  • http://MeditativeMeanderings.blogspot.com Susanne Barrett

    So beautiful and freeing, for both of you. God’s blessings be upon you as you, as I, as we all, cross the bridge of forgiveness today, tomorrow, and always.

    I admire your transparency, your willingness to lay out your life for all to see, warts ‘n’ all. If more Christians were willing to do so, to part with the “happy Christian” facade that masks anger, depression, pain of unhappy marriages, struggles with children, doubts about faith and religion…we’d be healthier, and we’d be so much more effective as ambassadors for Christ.

    Behind our facades, we are unreachable and thus rather inhuman. (“Inhuman” isn’t the right word, but I can’t think of a better one.)

    Thank you for removing your facade and for helping me to do the same.

    God bless.

  • frogla

    i’ve come along way in the forgiveness department & something that i’ve realized along the way is it’s knowing that our sins no longer separate us from God. that Jesus provided forgiveness for the sins of the entire world one time at the cross, so there is no more forgiveness to be gotten.

    i’ve come to this that the question is not about sin, but about salvation, and salvation is life. here a few of my favorite verses on His LIFE & forgiveness “Jesus answered, ‘I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me’ ” (John 14:6). “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16). “For if, when we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!” (Romans 5:10).

    If a person has accepted Jesus’ life as her own, then they are saved, period.

    “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:38-39). “…God has said, ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you’ ” (Hebrews 13:5b). “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death” (Romans 8:1-2).

    Humanity needed complete forgiveness so that sins could no longer cause spiritual death. Jesus provided it! Humanity needed eternal life so that we could be restored to a relationship with God. Jesus provided it! Because Jesus has provided us everything we need, nothing we do can cause what He provided to fail.

    Here’s a quote from a favorite missionary:

    “There are those who sincerely try to live a life they do not have, substituting religion for God, Christianity for Christ, and their own noble endeavors for the energy, joy, and power of the Holy Spirit. In the absence of reality, they can only grasp at ritual, stubbornly defending the latter in the absence of the former, lest they be found with neither! There are those who have a life they never live. They have come to Christ and thanked Him only for what He did, but do not live in the power of who He is. Between the Jesus who was and the Jesus who will be they live in a spiritual vacuum, trying with no little zeal to live for Christ a life that only He can live in and through them, perpetually begging for what in Him they already have!” Major Ian Thomas

  • http://peaceandmom.com Debbie L

    Perhaps nothing harder than forgiveness. But think it gets easier as you do it more often. Well said and done.

  • http://maplegrove.blogspot.com Sandy C.

    Thank you for this beautiful, heart-rending post. I am so glad you and your mother are experiencing healing and are becoming friends.

    Tomorrow, I will give a short talk to a Walk to Emmaus team I’ll be serving on. My talk is supposed to be about whatever God’s been doing in my life lately. I started writing it weeks ago and the theme of forgiveness quickly emerged. I struggled for years to forgive my Dad and when I finally did, the blessings were huge. I am thankful God’s grace enabled us to have a relationship so late in his life. I’ve also struggled to forgive a former church and pastor and your writings have really helped. Strangely enough (God’s timing and sense of irony often amuse me), the meeting where I’ll give my talk will take place at the church I struggled with, and the pastor will be in the group. My biggest prayer is for humility and that I speak in love. The temptation to hope some of my talk makes the pastor squirm is very, very strong.

    Thanks again for this post.

  • http://terrybreathinggrace.wordpress.com terry@ breathing grace

    This was a beautiful post, Elizabeth. Just beautiful. Blessings to you as you turn the chapter from anger to healing.

    That picture of your mother…It could very esily be mistaken for you. You look so much alike!

  • http://www.mollypiper.com Molly Piper

    I see a lot of resemblance b/w you and your mom!

    I had so much rage & anger, E. So.much. I didn’t even *try* to write about it b/c I couldn’t. If you ever want to talk about that process I’d love to offer what I’ve learned.

    I love you!

  • http://www.3turkeys.net Mary

    Way to go, Elizabeth Esther! Just keep on making that decision and relying on the grace of God. It’ll get easier. God bless you. Mary

  • http://laladyinwhite.blogspot.com colleen

    yes. :)

  • http://mecerone.blogspot.com Mary Beth

    Elizabeth, I feel like we’re friends. I know we have never met; we’ve only spoken a few times on twitter. I know our worlds are sometimes so far apart- but I feel like I know you. I care about you, I love reading your blogs, and I am pulling for you.

    Today, I felt so proud, so excited, and so happy for you.

  • Jenelyn

    Well said, Elizabeth. As I’ve said, I went through an experience like this 10+ years ago. I had a lot of rage. And it got to the point where I was the one living the sad, miserable life. I had to decide to change that. It’s an ongoing decision, forgiveness. But real joy in my life has returned and I’ve learned how to deal with the broken relationships. There may never be reconciliation–I don’t know for sure. It’s ok, though, because I’m so much more at peace. So great for you. Remember, it’s a journey.

  • Carolyne

    Because, after our lives have been lived…….will it be better to be *right* or be Happy?

    Beautifully written……..thank you.

  • Mark

    Elizabeth, a very beautiful and moving post. I honor your courage to expose your healing by God and your own will to all of us. It does good to many you will never know. I know about carrying depression. You are doing the right things. Please just keep doing them. And if it (the depression) gets worse, please go to the doctor. You are among a cloud of witnesses who are ready at a moment to hold you up when you feel most separated. And never forget that the Holy Spirit lives in you and prays on your behalf constantly.

  • Pamela

    And “little Elizabeth” looks like the twins!

  • http://www.sheilasiler.blogspot.com Sheila

    I love the way that God works with us at whatever pace we are ready. There is no wrong amount of time. I am pleased for you that you have come to this point in your life and I know God will continue to “grow” you and bless you.

  • KatR

    I just saw the most amazing thing about this subject on, of all places, “Anthony Bordain No Reservations” on the Travel Channel.

    Bourdain was talking to a minister who lived and preached in a slum in Liberia. Liberia has been subjected to a lot of unrest and civil war, and this man’s congregation had members such as a woman who had been raped and often saw her rapist, and a man whose uncle’s killer drove a taxi in the neighborhood.

    Bourdain asked the minister if anyone could be forgiven. The minister replied that anyone could, and that forgiveness should come from the heart, but that “healing is a process”.

    He didn’t bring up the tired “bitterness” theme, and he didn’t use the “if you don’t forgive, God won’t forgive you” line (I don’t understand the idea of God threatening someone who has already been victimized). He upheld the idea of forgiveness but didn’t minimize the pain of the victim.

    I want to put this church up to Rick Warren’s “We’ve Got Spirit” challenge.

  • http://dvanme00.wordpress.com/ Derrick

    I am so happy that you are encountering God in this way Elizabeth. I have personally experienced the same type of “letting go” in the past few weeks. You’re an inspiration, and as someone who is recovering from a similar situation, please know you are not alone.

  • Tressa

    I’ve forgiven my dad. Time passes and old, forgotten hurts surface, making them seem as if they’d just happened yesterday. Then I work to forgive the newly remembered. It’s been over 14 years since the first time I forgave him.

    With each remembrance, I find myself working through the same process. The first time is like falling in a hole and not being able to find my way out. My struggle to get up and out of the hole (aka depression) leaves my feeling battered and brusied.

    I now know where that ladder is and how to get out of that hole. It still takes a while, but I do eventually find that ladder and make my way out.

    I’m so thankful that all of the hurts haven’t surfaced all at once. It would be too much for me. I see God’s hand in this process.

  • http://acts17verse28.blogspot.com/ NCSue

    When the injuries are deep (at least in my experience), forgiveness isn’t a tidy once-and-done thing. But once you cross the bridge the first time, the chasm isn’t as foreboding. May God continue to lead you to forgiveness.

  • http://www.kathleenbasi.com Kathleen@so much to say, so little time

    This is such a beautiful reflection. It resonates with me b/c of a situation that pales in comparison to yours…nothing more than a bad roommate in grad school, and yet as often as I think ofher, I know I haven’t forgiven her. I pray for her every time, and I no longer feel the anger, so I suppose I’m making progress…but I think that forgiveness often must be done again and again, hoping that it will actually “take” someday.

  • http://marykathryntyson.wordpress.com mary kathryn tyson

    oh, elizabeth. i know, at least in the way of what it’s like to have rage and unforgiveness.

    for me, it was a long, hard, road but i can say now that i’m on finally the other side. most of that part of my journey -really delving in deep to those places- did, unfortunately, stir up my depression. (thank god for effexor.)

    but then one day, you’ll discover…your just softer. and kinder. and gentler. and more raw. which is okay. and the person (or persons) you have unforgiveness toward has just faded. but not without doing the hard work first.

    unfortunately, i’ve heard that depression is the plight of the creative. but i think there are ways to manage and channel it properly. mostly, though, i know i just have to let god have it and use it and choose joy anymore. and on the days when depression wins, i allow it for as long as it takes, take what i need from it and then start over if i can.

    i’m thinking of you, elizabeth. you have a community of supporters that i know are cheering you on. we’re with you all the way, friend.

    xo

  • http://marykathryntyson.wordpress.com mary kathryn tyson

    oh, dear god. ‘you’re’, not ‘your’. geez.

  • brooke

    This is beautiful and I’m so glad you’ve experienced it. I think we are brought to that place often over small things and occasionally over big things.

    A wise woman once said to me that I can’t just forgive someone’s action, I also need to forgive the results of that action. I suppose that’s easier for you to understand because the actions were over such a lengthy period of time and are all bound up in who you are that it’s maybe even hard to separate. But I have just found it comforting to know that the feelings of unforgiveness will come back as I experience consequences of someone else’s actions – that I can expect it and deal with it then. A continual process of being like Jesus.

  • http://ocmoms.com Amy Stevens

    I don’t know how we didn’t meet sooner.

    Thanks so much for this post. Some day we’ll have to talk about all the things we have in common.

  • rcm

    For me, forgiving is a daily decision. Sometimes I choose it, other times I fail miserably at it. It is a battle

  • Sarah

    Elizabeth,
    Beth Moore was on the show Life Today this morning. She gave a message that I think you would enjoy. http://www.lifetoday.org

  • http://cindyholman.wordpress.com Cindy Holman

    Well said Elizabeth. I salute you for finding that place of release in your own life that many never find. You are finding it – one step at a time. Remember, You are God’s favorite ♥

  • Theresa in ALberta

    I have learned much about pain and forgiveness from the blog http://abbaslittlegirl.blogspot.com/
    read her out of darkness series. she is a convert to catholicism and her insight is truly amazing.
    God Bless

  • http://www.nmwally.wordpress.com Nikki

    I love this post. Choosing to walk in forgiveness is a beautiful thing. I still struggle with occasional waves of deep sadness and anger over things that happened with our last church, and there are issues with “church as we do it” that I will always have (which, maybe, is a good thing?) but it has lessened so much over the last few years. It was only when I chose to forgive and move on that my heart started coming to life and opening up again that which is GOOD about church. Doesn’t mean the pain is GONE, but it is such a healthier way to live. I have dear friends who have not taken that step yet, and watching the bitterness eat them alive is heartbreaking. Anyway…lovely. :)