I'm a snuggler. It calms my brain. Also, it keeps me warm.
However, some people don't like snugglers. We snugglers are often misunderstood.
This is how you can identify an Anti-Snuggler: "It's hot! Get off of me!" or "Don't cross this line down the middle of the bed!" or "Ewwww! You snuggle?"
My sister was the first Anti-Snuggler in my life. She practically made me sign a notarized Non-Snuggling Agreement like every time I got scared at night and asked to share her bed. She had a codified, alphabetized list of 25 Rules & Regulations For Proper Sleeping Protocol.
These included (but were not limited to): no touching, no snoring, no weird breathing, no movement of any kind. In other words, I was supposed to be like a robot and unplug myself before bed every night.
I used to lie awake until she was asleep and then I'd stealthily creep one little toe across The Sacred Line down the middle of the bed. HA! VICTORY!
If I was feeling especially brave, I'd walk two fingers across the Sacred Line and try to rest them on her arm without waking her up. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes I had to do her chores the next day for breaking my word.
She was a relentless enforcer of her Anti-Snuggling rules.
Of course, I thought it would all be different once I got married. That was before I read The Purpose Driven Snuggle and learned that for men, snuggling requires a purpose. A destination. A reward. AHEM.
Snuggling just for snuggling's sake? WASTE OF TIME.
Can you imagine my devastation? First I get rejected by Anti-Snugglers and then I get manipulated by Agendized-Snugglers! So unfair.
It's enough to make a girl cry during that movie Field of Snuggles. Because it was SO TRUE. If you snuggle, they will…
…well, they'll give you babies, that's for sure.
And therein lies a snuggler's salvation. Oh, sweet, precious little babies who like to snuggle! Babies who love nothing more than to be hunkered up in your armpit all night long. Or carried around all day.
Best of all, babies totally don't mind if you take frequent sniffs of their dear, fuzzy little heads. I'm serious, the baby smell sends a straight blast of oxytocin to my brain. Mommy wikes.
Sometimes I wish my babies could stay little. I tried sniffing my son's head the other day and he reared back in disgust.
"Ewwwww!" he yelled. "Don't snuggle me!"
Oh, why must they grow up so fast?