A Handy Guide to Being Annoying on Twitter {from someone who is annoying on Twitter}

Posted on October 13, 2010 by elizabeth

1. Use a shot of your cleavage as your profile pics. Extra ewwwwww points if you're a married mom.

2. Send auto-direct messages to all your new followers. C'mon, are you really "super excited" about getting to know each new follower?

3.  Retweet everything.

4. Plug your product/book/blog incessantly.

5. Write chipper, cheesy, inspirational platitudes all day.

6. Share what you ate for lunch. Everyday.

7. Swear nonsensically. If you're gonna swear, it at least needs to make sense. Otherwise? Boring.

8. Pretend you're doing something we all know you're not really doing; ie. *baking a pie from scratch while tweeting this!*

9.  Be a celebrity like Demi Moore-Kutcher and post bikini and in-bed shots. (Oh, wait. I follow her! Nevermind! Tweet on Demi! Tweet on!)

10. Everytime there's an earthquake, predict the End is Near. Quote Scripture.

11. Take yourself very seriously.

12. Never reply to anyone. Just talk to yourself all day.

13. Ignore your direct messages.

14. Be all poetic and mysterious.

15. Be Mark Driscoll.

****MASSIVE DISCLAIMERS!****

  • I am annoying on Twitter
  • I take myself ver-wee, ver-wee, sewiously. Don't mess.
  • Sometimes I ignore direct messages. Because sometimes I'm busy. Go figure.
  • HOWEVER, I have never used a shot of my cleavage as a profile pic!
  • FULL DISCLOSURE: because I have no cleavage.
  • i plug my blog incessantly
  • frankly, I don't know HOW THE H-E-double-hockey-sticks to use Twitter without being annoying
  • but I like to pretend I know
  • in other news, my 6th grader still wants to go to the dance.
  • Help! What do I do? For reals! I was raised fundie! Dancing led straight to fornication! How do I do this???
  • shall I chaperone with a loaded rifle? 

****ADDENDUM TO THE DISCLAIMERS!****

a.) there is no addendum, I just like that word.

***P.S. I love you** (wasn't that a great movie?)** also, I do love you!

DISCUSS!

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  • http://www.sarahmarkley.com/ Sarah Markley

    i loved ps i love you. so much.

    and i love you. =)

  • http://www.bigmama247.com Alise

    I’m totally annoying on Twitter. I self-promote like a crazy person. And I retweet incessantly.

    I am not, however, Mark Driscoll. So at least I have that going for me.

    As to the end, I’m one of those super liberal moms who lets her 12-yo daughter go to dances. And even have a boyfriend. Which is terrifying, but not as terrifying to me as her having a boyfriend anyway without me knowing. Plus, I genuinely do trust her. Plus, a super snarky, adorably geeky girl like her can totally kick any middle school boy’s behind. But really, 6th grade dances are mostly girls dancing and giggling and boys standing around NOT DANCING. It’s probably safe. But chaperoning is cool too. Though maybe not with guns. Unless you call your muscular arms guns. Then that’s fine. But you should probably stop doing that because it’s a little weird. But I’m not judging.

  • http://profile.typepad.com/thatguykc ThatGuyKC

    You crack me up! Awesome list.
    What would you do if Driscoll commented on your blog?! Haha!

    Regarding the dance, I’m a dad with a 3 year old girl so not sure if that qualifies my opinion as “advice”, but when I was 12 anything that would come close to a “dance” didn’t really involving any dancing.

    Mostly the guys sat around together looking glassy-eyed while the girls giggled together and glared in our general direction for not dancing.

    I might let my daughter go, but I’d definitely be a chaperone. I full intend on being THAT dad.

    Oh crap, I just had a glimpse of my little toddler as a 12 year old girl. *sniff*

  • http://profile.typepad.com/unvirtuousabbey UnvirtuousAbbey

    In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, your sins are forgiven. Go and tweet no more. Well, you know what we mean.

  • http://therosarytrail.com/ Margo

    I don’t have a Twitter account and oh my gosh, you have me laughing so hard right now! And to think – I was just considering signing up for one! haha – maybe NOT! I have to share this one with my mom and sister. (And I love #14:)

  • Tara Meghan

    I do NOT know! I went to my first dance in Grade 5, and it didn’t feel like it was doing me any harm, but looking back…it definitely was my first exposure to the idea that being “picked” by a boy to have physical contact (awkwardly putting our hands on each others’ shoulders at a full arms-length distance :-p ) was a necessary part of my social acceptability. The lesson didn’t stick, thankfully, but it was definitely weird, and maybe not age appropriate! That said, being forbidden to do school-sanctioned things is rough too. Gah! Why do we have to be the decision-makers now?

  • http://therosarytrail.com/ Margo

    I don’t have a Twitter account and this has me laughing so hard! I love #11 and 14. You are so funny. My mom and sister will get a kick out of this too:)
    P.S. – I don’t have Facebook either. I feel so left out!!

  • http://theduryees.com Rose

    I love Pastor Mark, but his Tweets are REALLY annoying!

  • http://ScitaScienda.com C.L. Dyck

    Sweetie, you do know what Grade 6 kids do at a dance, right?

    Unless they’re already involved in a bad peer group, they pretty much just stand in little herd clusters feeling horrible, embarrassed, awkward and nervous and hoping never to have to repeat the experience again. It is self-inflicted and well-deserved social agony.

    Or, they gravitate to comfortable friendships and just hang out, which is much healthier than underage fornication. Again, the friends make the difference.

    All in all, as Calvin and Hobbes’s dad would say, it builds character. Like allowing a little half-and-half. ;-)

    PS: As a mother of similar title, I love that the category “Her Royal Mommy-ness” is showing the largest in your sidebar right now. As it should be…as it should be.

  • Christine

    “# in other news, my 6th grader still wants to go to the dance.
    # Help! What do I do? For reals! I was raised fundie! Dancing led straight to fornication! How do I do this???
    # shall I chaperone with a loaded rifle? ”

    Although I love reading your blog, my comment is only about the middle school dance because when I saw your comment about it the other day I was surprised. I think a well-chaperoned middle school dance is a great way for boys and girls to socialize with each other. My 2 oldest girls (now 13 and 15) have been attending school dances since 6th grade. The teachers chaperone, the kids dance and hang out with their friends. Usually I hear that boys and girls do not dance together. No inappropriate freak dance is allowed. My girls both still say that boys are weird (thank you, God!!)

    I was always so shy that I didn’t want to go to school dances, I built it up to be a big deal where I’d have to dance with boys and maybe I’d do something wrong. I like the idea that my girls see it as just a normal fun event. This weekend my oldest is going to her 2nd homecoming dance. Last year, she and 11 girls went together and had a great time. This year it’s the 12 girls, plus 8 boys. I’m afraid next year she’ll have an actual date, gulp.

    I would ask your daughter why she wants to go and maybe explain to her why you aren’t sure she is ready. If you trust your daughter, then I think you have to give her small freedoms as she becomes a responsible tween and then teen, so she are ready to make good choices as an adult. (Not saying you should say yes, if you truly have doubts, but it’s so hard to know when to hold on and when to let go a little)
    Mom to 3 Girls

  • http://mecerone.blogspot.com Mary Beth

    6th grade dancing. I went to private no-dancing fundie school from 6th to 12th grade. I did, however, go to my 5th grade public school dance.

    Here’s what I would do… full disclaimer: as a not-yet-parent.
    1 – Let her go. It will probably be super boring and terrible anyway. And usually very little dancing when they’re in 6th grade. The most fun part is getting all dressed up with your girlfriends beforehand anyway.
    2 – Offer her and her friends a fun alternative. “Hey, why don’t you just call me when you’re ready to go and you girls can come over here and have a sleepover and hot chocolate.” I bet they call you before an hour at the dance has passed.
    3 – Since this is the first of MANY dances, go ahead and talk to her about modesty and purity and really play up the romanticness of ballroom dancing. :) When a girl dreams of going Cinderella’s ball for a few years and then sees the stupid “dancing” that happens at high school dances, she will be much less impressed :)

  • http://silly-bear.com Sarah@From Tolstoy to Tinkerbell

    Umm, I haven’t met ANYONE who isn’t annoying on Twitter…if someone like this does exist, I don’t think they tweet. Of course, I plug my blog, other people’s blogs, things that make me laugh, mad, twitter brings out my full range of emotions and emoticons. :)

    Now, for the dance, being a Medieval Literature scholar, I am all for bringing back sending daughters to a nunnery for training in education, womanhood, and to be away from testosterone. But no one else seems to be joining my one woman movement.

    And again this is why I read your blog :)

  • KatR

    I will admit that I think I swear nonsensically, but that’s just because in the last year and a half, I have rediscovered the joy of swearing. Much like an eight year old boy.

    I think I need to find a way to combine nonsensical swearing with cheesy inspirational platitudes. I’ll be right back.

  • http://profile.typepad.com/6p0120a86d37ac970b MarytheKay

    And THIS, this is why I follow you and read you blog! FUNNY stuff. Made me giggle and smile, both! If I hadn’t read anything else of yours, I would think, “What a likeable writer she is!” Oh, that sounds funny…like since I have read your other stuff, you’re NOT really likeable… That’s not what I mean at all. Maybe I should just shut up and say

    Great post! :-)

  • http://faithandfood.morizot.net/ Scott Morizot

    I have to say, up front, that I am NOT Mark Driscoll. So that should be one point in my favor anyway. ;)

    I’m constantly reading tweets about what people are cooking or eating with interest. But then, more than half the people I follow also have celiac disease or are otherwise gluten intolerant. I follow them, in part, precisely to hear what they are eating. (And I share when I’m cooking or eating anything vaguely interesting.)

    On the dance. I was in 6th-8th grade during the height of the disco era. It can’t be any worse than that. :P Seriously, if you’re concerned call the school and ask if it’s just sixth grade or if older kids will also be present. (I would’ve been more concerned when my youngest was in 6th grade if there were also going to be 8th graders present.) You can also ask the school which teachers will be chaperoning and you can call and ask some of them what the 6th grade dances are normally like. Odds are that most of the awkwardness and non-dancing that others have described will be true at your daughter’s school as well. 6th grade is really a transition year.

    While nothing will really allay your fears, that should tell you enough to make a more informed decision. If you don’t like what you hear from the school or the teachers about the dance, you’ll also be able to tell your daughter you checked, this is the info you found, and why you’re not comfortable with it. It may not stop her from being mad or disappointed, but you’ll sound less capricious and more like you cared enough about what she wanted to really check it out instead of just saying no.

    That’s the best advice I have.

  • kersley

    I don’t tweet, but I think “P.S. I Love You” is so terribly awful that I have to watch it about every month. If nothing else, to hear Hillary ask Harry, “Did you take your pills today?”

    Finding a spouse whilst dancing is de rigueur in my family. Mom and dad met performing in Oklahoma. Dad’s mom married her first because he was a good dancer. (Then divorced him. Twice.) My g-ma used to sneak out of the house to dance because her mom (who used to sneak out of the house to dance) wouldn’t let her go. I met my honey in Bible Study and a bar. There really wasn’t a lot else to do in Great Falls, MT. And for a corn-fed Kansas boy, he’s a pretty good dancer.

  • http://thinkinggrounds.blogspot.com Christian H

    Man, I jus had some sub-par shrimp dumplings. Now I feel sick.

    (Which is to say, don’t forget to mention bodily things on Twitter! That’s the best!)

    He WANTS to go to the dance? Man, what a trooper. Those things terrified me in Grade 6. Then again, presumably your kid is normal, unlike me.

  • http://profile.typepad.com/erikaerin Erika

    Oh my word…..my hubby and I have talked about dances and the prom many times and our daughter is only 10. He is bound and determined that she’s not going to prom because, and I quote, “that’s the night that girls lose their virginity.” Bwhahahahahaha! And he was homeschooled and never went to a prom so how the heck does he know??

  • http://www.sugartails-glowingirl.blogspot.com GlowinGirl

    I don’t tweet, but this makes me want to. Hilarious!

    And in the words of the Steve Miller Band, “Dance, dance, dance . . . ” ;) Hey, David did it. ;) (Coming from a fairly conservative girl here. Christians need to get the party on AND let our children experience some joy!).

  • Katy-Anne

    LOL I think Twitter is annoying. Which is why for now I stay off of it. Why does anyone even use Twitter when there is Facebook? Twitter doesn’t even make any sense. HAHA.

  • http://thehomespunlife.com Sisterlisa

    I enjoy Twitter for the quick chats..I get a laugh out of some of the stuff I see there. Love this article..so funny! I guess if you go to the dance and they all know you’re armed, no one will want to dance with your daughter ;)

  • Nina

    Wow…say what you want about your upbringing, you certainly learned how to craft the English language. What a funny post. The Addendums are FANtastic. I LOVE the word addendum!!!! I’m *still* smiling and I don’t even follow anyone on Twitter!

    Anyway, sorry to disagree with you, but I thought the only good thing about P.S. I Love You was Gerard Butler. Not that I thought he was good in this. Ha ha ha. But I’ll say it again: Gerard Butler.

    Have a great day!

  • Hannah

    Too funny! I don’t Twitter, but I do Fabcebook, and I totally have the friend who is constantly posting annoyingly “inspirational” messages.

    Also, you forgot to mention, “Be sure and post every minute detail of all of your private, personal drama, to make your friends as uncomfortable as at all possible.” :/

  • http://www.joyinthisjourney.com Joy

    *sigh* poetic and mysterious are my trademarks.

    or not.

    since i frequently tweet about poop.

    you forgot that one. body functions (even if not your own) are topics of annoying tweets.

  • Pamela

    Love it! And definitely volunteer to chaperone at the dance — with or without the shotgun — you & hubby would probably have a blast doing it!

  • http://profile.typepad.com/1215656559s20768 Lorie

    Oh, gosh. This made me laugh and I don’t even have a twitter account! Hmmm…not sure I want one. Facebook can be annoying enough with all the “copy and paste this into your status if you support_________–93% of you won’t do it!”

  • AC Graner

    Personally, I find what you have for lunch each day to be endlessly fascinating. And no, I do not have a life.

  • http://loneplacebo.com Tony

    The ones who annoy effortlessly are oftentimes the ones who attract too much attention. http://loneplacebo.com/12-types-of-tweets-that-always-attract-attention/

  • http://www.ikbear.com ikbear

    I just like this post, thanks. It is useful to twitter beginers.

  • http://www.rageaaginsttheminivan.com Kristen

    Oh this is funny!

  • Agnes

    I was never allowed to go to dances (strict religious fam) so when they had a school dance in 8th grade which was AT SCHOOL (in lunchtime so my parents couldn’t stop me) I WENT, and DANCED LIKE THERE WAS NO TOMORROW. Sweaty, exhilirating, exciting, amazing. It was the best experience of my life (ahem, up to that point)!! We danced in groups, not pairs, and it was awesome. If you have taught your kids right, they will be too scared to fornicate! There is probably all kinds of wrong with that last sentence, but it worked for my parents! HA!!

  • Allison

    bahahaha!
    (especially the last few lines of random hilarity!)

  • http://www.alexandervarwijk.nl Alexander Varwijk

    I just wanted to say I lolled : ) Keep on blogging.