How Mary brought me back to Jesus, part 1

Posted on October 30, 2010 by elizabeth

MaryMotherofGod
If there was one thing about Catholicism that totally freaked me out, it was Mary. I just didn't get it. Why did the Catholics make such a big deal out of her? After all, she was just a human being who needed salvation like everyone else. So far as I could tell, there wasn't anything special about her.

God could have chosen anyone to be the mother of Jesus. Catholics, I believed, had falsely elevated a human woman–a glorification that would have probably horrified Mary herself. Indeed, it was a glorification that flew too closely to goddess worship and plain ol' idolatry.

When I saw those Catholic bumper stickers that said: "If you can't find Jesus, look for His Mother," I was astounded and offended. How could Catholics be so blatant about their blasphemy? By giving Mary such a place of preeminence, weren't they diminishing the centrality of the cross and work of Christ? 

I never really stopped to think about the ways we, as fundamentalists, elevated other heroes of our faith. For some reason it never seemed to bother me how much we loved and exalted the apostle Paul or John the Revelator. We were forever quoting Romans and pondering the Apocalypse, but I can honestly say that I never ONCE heard a sermon that reflected on Mary.

Mary, you see, was just not that important.

God was male. Jesus was male. Paul was male. Luther was male. All the important heroes of the Christian faith were male. I cannot emphasize enough how the fundamentalist faith of my childhood was predominantly and emphatically masculine.

Women were God's afterthought–created for the sole purpose of serving men.

Looking back, I can begin to understand why we didn't give Mary much thought. In fundamentalism, women are second-class citizens. No wonder we treated Mary the same way.

The problem with being raised with an emphatically masculine faith was that it gave me a very distorted image of God. I'd often heard that we were created in God's image. But if God were male, what part of God's image did I reflect as a woman?

Additionally, the God of my childhood was a roaring, Almighty, vengeful God. I was terrified of Him. I often imagined him as a stern-faced judge just waiting to strike me down should I make a mistake.

When my childhood church imploded because of massive moral failure on the part of the male leadership, the engine of my belief just started shutting down involuntarily. 

I didn't know how to talk to God anymore. My twisted image of God prevented me from being able to come back to Him.

To my dismay, I discovered that all paths back to God were blocked.

I couldn't see God except through the lens of fundamentalism. If my relationship with God was going to be restored, I needed to see Him from a different point of view.

The first time I ever began to appreciate Mary happened during a moment of sheer desperation.

I had just given birth to premature twins and was standing in the NICU watching the nurses try to find a vein in one of my twins' arms. They couldn't find a vein and my fragile, underweight baby was screaming in agony as they prodded and pricked. 

They wouldn't let me hold her or touch her. I could do nothing to ease my child's pain. I had no choice but to watch her suffer.

"We're going to need to find a vein in her head," one of the nurses said. At that moment, I thought I would pass out. I could not BEAR to watch my child in physical anguish. I felt so helpless and alone. I thought I would vomit.

I leaned against the incubator to steady myself and at that moment, I was struck with a thought: this is a small taste of what Mary felt like while watching her Son suffer.

I'd never once felt a kinship with Mary. But in that moment it was like a firmly closed door opened just the tiniest bit. A crack of light appeared in my consciousness.

Mary understands. Mary watched her child suffer and there was nothing she could do about it. Mary understands.

I broke down sobbing right there in the NICU. I'd felt so abandoned by God and betrayed by church and Christians. I'd felt so alone.

But in that moment, I realized Jesus hadn't forsaken me. 

Because He'd sent His Mother to comfort me.

Part 2 next week!

**Comments that are disparaging to Catholics and/or Mary will not be published. There is so much misinformation and misunderstanding among Protestants regarding Mary that I have chosen not to perpetuate that on my blog. Thank you for understanding.**

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  • Shannon

    Amazing post. Amazing.

  • CM

    As a Catholic, my understanding of Mary her role has been somewhat slow in coming, but I’m getting there, and I loved hearing your story.

  • http://profile.typepad.com/traleefitz TraLeeFitz

    Great post.

    There is a scene in Mel Gibson’s (otherwise horrifyingly sadomasochistic) ‘The Passion of the Christ’ where his mother Mary rushes to his side as he falls to his knees while carrying the cross. As she approaches him she flashes back to a time when he bruised his knees as a little boy; she rushed to his side then, too. It is a poignant juxtaposition and one of the best, truest moments in the film.

    I wonder if Mary herself felt forsaken by God, having to watch her son die so cruelly. I wonder if maybe sometimes it is in those moments of forsakenness that finally we are able to experience God’s loving presence, and not only that, but to realize that that presence has been there all along.

    Great post. I look forward to part 2.

  • http://www.JanetOber.com Janet Oberholtzer

    Touching post!
    Wow, I will be pondering on this post for a while …

  • Leanne

    Incredible. Thank you. I do not believe the leaders who promote the ultra dogmatic patriarchal view of Scripture and Church gender roles realize the damage they are doing. Genesis says male and female are made in the image of God. So we need to see the strength of women in Scripture just as much as we need to see the strength of the men. We need to see the nurture of the men in Scripture just as much as we see it in the women.

  • http://frombitterwaterstosweet.blogspot.com/ Mara

    I have always hated how Protestants treated Mary.
    And I’m a Protestant.

    I put Mary on the level of Moses, if not higher.
    It was through Moses that we received the law, written by the finger of God.
    It was through Mary that we received God Himself, ten fingers, ten toes, and everyting else, including His heart.

  • Tara Meghan

    Crying! No words, I’m just crying. <3

  • frolga

    “When my childhood church imploded because of massive moral failure on the part of the male leadership, the engine of my belief just started shutting down involuntarily.

    I didn’t know how to talk to God anymore. My twisted image of God prevented me from being able to come back to Him.

    To my dismay, I discovered that all paths back to God were blocked.

    I couldn’t see God except through the lens of fundamentalism. If my relationship with God was going to be restored, I needed to see Him from a different point of view.”

    well said! i wonder if something traumatic like this is what will be the cracks in my dh’s damn to exiting his cultic family and cult group. Elizabeth, how long was your paths to God blocked & how did you begin to see Him from a different point of view? Thnx for this post!

  • http://profile.typepad.com/elizabethesther Elizabeth Esther

    My path to God is STILL blocked sometimes! :) It’s been a long process, sort of taking down the walls one brick at a time. Tearing down and rebuilding an entire belief system is hard work and I don’t always have energy to re-examine. But I’m driven by something and I think that something is called hope.

    Seeing Jesus through Mary’s eyes; ie. the eyes of a mother–was truly revelatory. Walking through the life of Jesus and thinking about it from her perspective revolutionized my understanding of Christianity.

    I will write more about it in upcoming posts.

  • http://www.debraadey.com debbie

    The importance of Mary… like you, I have never considered this. But thank God for being able to reach you through her. Thank you so much for this post. You cut straight through to my heart. Maybe only a mother could understand. I understand. Looking forward to part two.

  • http://www.emaconly.blogspot.com/ Emily M.

    Elizabeth, I love this!! In fact, I’ve been wanting to ask you about your faith — and Catholicism in general — for quite some time. I am aware that my views of the Catholic church are a bit skewed. My only experiences with the Catholic church being in a poverty stricken country with kids who had been hurt very badly by a priest, and I want to see the other side. I want to understand.

  • http://therosarytrail.com/ Margo

    I grew up Catholic and when I was younger I sort of took everything for granted, especially where Mary’s role in our salvation is concerned. It’s interesting to me to read about your perspective and how your viewpoint changed when you had that turning point moment. I can’t wait to read Part 2!

  • http://profile.typepad.com/erikaerin Erika

    I’m not Catholic and don’t understand those that DO worship Mary (not saying that all Catholics do), but I think this is a beautiful moment. Thanks for sharing it with us.

  • Bunny

    Thank you ….. that was beautifully expressed and brought tears to my eyes and yet I was smiling. What a beautiful way that God spoke to you.

  • http://profile.typepad.com/elizabethesther Elizabeth Esther

    Hi Erika, thanks for commenting. Actually, Catholics do NOT worship Mary. Catholics believe that worship is reserved for God alone. To many Protestants, it may appear as worship–but it’s not. Yes, there are some Catholics who take Marian devotion to an extreme, but they do not represent the orthodox teaching of the Church. Just thought I should clarify since I used to think the same thing. :)

  • http://fromthepulpitofmylife.blogspot.com/ Ruth Ann

    I have loved Mary since my childhood. From experience I know that love and understanding of her role grow throughout life. And she always leads us to her Son.

    When raising my daughter I often reflected on the maternity of Mary and I was aware of her journeying with me through that phase of my life. My daughter, born with congenital heart problems, had to undergo numerous surgeries, so I know how you felt. Like you, I imagined Mary at the foot of the Cross looking at Jesus with compassion.

    God bless, you Elizabeth for sharing your stories. I am eager to read part 2, Elizabeth!

  • http://fillwithtears.blogspot.com/ Ellie

    This was lovely. I so appreciate all that you share with us of your faith journey. (and it made the tears well up … )

  • http://musingsofacatholiclady.blogspot.com Michelle

    This post brought on tears. Might be hormones, but honestly, watching your child suffer and connecting it to Mary and her suffering watching her Son be put to death…that had to be so powerful. I am looking forward to part 2.

  • http://sevenlittleaustralians.blogspot.com/ Erin

    Elizabeth

    Goosebumps, what a moment of Grace{{}}

  • Nina

    Mary has mothered me back to Hope, back to Jesus, so many times since I have come to know her (and before, probably, before I realized it) . I was born on one of her major feast days, August 15, but never knew this honor until I met my husband as a young adult. She will always and only lead you back to her Son. She is like the moon which only receives it’s “force” from the sun, and is only a *rock* by itself, a still creation, but mirroring back the Light from that Source that she is perfectly and properly positioned to, she acquires power to guide and enable us in the darkness. She is a great friend to have in Heaven. So happy to read this, Elizabeth. Thanks be to God for this grace.

  • Kathy

    Thank you for sharing this. I too grew up with a view of God that he was ready to get me if I messed up. My view was shaped by the actions of my parents rather than religious teaching. When I married my husband and started attending the church he grew up in, I saw how dominated the women were by their husbands. Ultimately, there was no respect for the women as women. They just wanted a servant that had no voice and no opinion separate from their husband’s. That did not work for my marriage. I love that Catholics have a better balance. Of course the church we used to attend is VERY anti-Catholic and my husband has refused to step foot in a Catholic church because it would ruin his relationship with his father. Anyway, sorry for rambling on & on, but your post really spoke to me. Thank you.

  • KatR

    I love your point about how Paul is treated in churches v. Mary. I think if you look at the value and the importance placed on the words they spoke, Paul is even elevated above Jesus in a lot of churches.

  • frogla

    Thanks for your comments! :)

  • http://www.conversiondiary.com/ Jennifer (Conversion Diary)

    Fantastic post. Can’t wait to read the next one. BTW, did you see this video I posted about Mary’s role in salvation history? http://bit.ly/964xxx It’s fascinating — well worth the time to watch it.

  • http://soulsarefed.blogspot.com Lynn B

    Beautiful post, I got chills! Please don’t make us wait for part 2 :)

  • Jack

    \\Looking back, I can begin to understand why we didn’t give Mary much thought. In fundamentalism, women are second-class citizens. No wonder we treated Mary the same way.\\

    Or might it be said that neglect of the Theotokos in both doctrine and devotion has ultimately led to misogynisitic strains in some forms of fundamentatlism and even evangelicalism?

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  • http://www.seeprestonblog.com Preston Yancey

    I work with Mary a lot with what I study and write about. As a Protestant with liturgical leanings, I’m not comfortable with the way Mary is often marginalized in the denominations outside of Catholicism. I still don’t know exactly where I fit. Some days I wake up and maintain a very Protestant-friendly stance on the Virgin with a tendency though to regard her with the favor I would give to St. John the Baptist, echoing the thought of St. Bonaventure, who was quick to point out even if he didn’t affirm all the Marian doctrines, “God did see fit to make her the Mother of God.” I mean, there is THAT. Other days the temptation is to assign the devotion to her that would be much more Catholic in actuality. It’s tempting, but not exactly right for me. I believe in God’s findability, though, so I am confident that in my floundering and flailing for some semblance of what He is and how He is, there is an ultimate rest to be found somewhere beyond the setting sun, in this life or the next. Either way, she shall be there, and that is worthy of praise in and of itself.

  • http://studyinbrown.com tonia

    I am, and remain, protestant, but I have experienced EXACTLY what you are describing here…different circumstances but step by step, essentially the same. I keep a picture of Mary and the Babe by my bed…to remind me. I was astounded to discover the feminine in catholicism and find it so beautiful. So glad I popped over here to read today.

  • Kevin

    The depth of Mary’s role in the life of Christ and in the life of the Church, and therefore our own lives, is so great that it is difficult to neatly wrap our minds around her role. I am a convert from Reformed Calvinism to the Catholic Church, about 2 years now, and while Mary was the last “stumbling block” for me, I now find that my love for her is real and great. While it is difficult to pack it into a few words, or single out her greatest attribute, your article reminds me of one truth: Nobody in the human race ever loved, or will love, our Lord Jesus Christ more than his holy Mother loved him. She is our greatest example of love for the Savior, and that is one reason that I love her so.

    Thanks for this post.

    KB

  • http://waldenmommyandfamily.blogspot.com Laura

    This is exactly how I felt when I watched my son in the NICU. I’ve written about it too. It was when I watched my child suffer that I felt Mary’s arms around me, whispering, “I know, I know.”

  • http://www.thekennedyadventures.com Dianna Kennedy

    Every time I stop by, I read more and more things here that speak to my heart.

    Thank you for sharing your amazing stories and gift for writing.

  • http://blog.wonwithoutwords.com Shari

    All I can say is “from now on all generations will call me blessed, for the Mighty One has done great things for me — holy is his name.” Luke 1:48-49. This prophetic quote by Mary, the mother of Jesus, should not only be fulfilled by the Catholic church. We should all bless the mother of Jesus, and honor her sacrifice, as a sword pierced her soul, too. I completely identify with Mary, and it has brought me closer to Jesus! Love your blog!

  • http://theabbeyfarm.blogspot.com Suzy Roeder

    Thank you, Elizabeth. I am a convert to Catholicism as well, and have struggled with the great Catholic devotion to Mary. Like you and Laura (who posted a comment) I also have had a baby in the NICU. With my tiny Mary Patricia’s fifth unsuccessful lumbar puncture, I felt terrible anguish for her and thought of escaping. A vision of Mary at the foot of the cross kept me there by her side. Mary did not run. Her son needed his mother there. We all needed her there.
    TraLeeFitz’s comment is so beautiful about the images of Mary from “The Passion of The Christ.” I also loved the end of the movie when she stared at the camera–at each one of us–as though to ask, “And now, what will you do?” We are all called to be Theotokos, right?

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  • Carrie

    I heard someone once compare Mary to the Arc of the Covenant. The Arc of the Covenant held “The Word”. It was venerated in the highest form of veneration. Mary carried The Word incarnate, Jesus, around for 9 months inside her. How much more should she be venerated!