I’m the chick with the broken heart who vows never to love again {should I go back to small group Bible studies??}

Oh man, I’m right there with you. Growing up gay in a conservative evangelical church isn’t nearly as bad as what you experienced, but damn, it makes me skittish in church situations, and especially small groups. I have, however, finally found a church where I feel welcome and a Bible study I don’t run screaming from (although I do go home exhausted and have to stare at a wall for a while to recover). So hang in there. There is hope.

We recently stopped going to a small group, because my husband and I felt like whenever we were honest (no, we don’t always trust each other 100%, yes, we still struggle with stuff, like obsessive cleaning and no, sometimes we don’t feel like praying, yes, we did buy a nice table instead of using that money to buy a sheep for needy orphans (we hadn’t bought a “real” table in the 10 years we’ve been married), and yes, we WERE mad at God for taking our daughter), the people in our small group would spend the whole time trying to fix us (and my husband IS the pastor!) We didn’t join a small group to get fixed. We joined a small group, because we are supposed to be be brothers and sisters in Christ, and we wanted to come about that honestly. Small groups suck. Unless you can find one that holds real, live, genuine Christians, instead of Christians that are trying to outdo each other with their piety. I’m sorry for my crappy attitude. I’m still a little raw.

It’s uncomfortable for a lot of people. But for me? It’s like 20 billion times worse.

What if maybe, just maybe these people are nice Christians and not ego-centric, abusive jerks?

Do you realize these two statement make you look like the egocentric jerk?

Ananda,
I don’t know you, and I’m not one to pick fights on blogs, but you are dead wrong. First of all, this is a blog, so we’re expecting (and loving, btw) Elizabeth’s opinions. In this blog, it is about her, so if you don’ want to read about her, go read something else.

Second, there is nothing in this post that makes Elizabeth look even remotely like a jerk. She looks like someone who wants to believe the best of humanity after already seeing the worst. So please, spare us your demonizing of someone trying to hold on to hope that humanity in general and Christianity in particular has goodness left in it. You’re just proving her wrong.

Oy, that sounds familiar. My prayer request was help when my mom left my dad because after 30 years of alcoholism he was choosing to drink himself to death. The response was, “We’ll pray that they stay together.” Our next small group not only made up for that experience, it gave us something to shoot for in all subsequent groups.

And the “damn” thing? Sooo been there, done that! Kinda strange to be blessed by swearing!

I stayed home from small group tonight. Its 8:10 pm. Accountability has just started, and I am so thrilled to not be there with their help and encouragement and nonsense!

I know God can heal this hurt that the church and their ridiculous attempts at “living out the gospel” for my family put in my heart, but I think if He ever wants me to, it won’t be at small group, and it will never be with these people and their hypocrisy.

Thanks, Elizabeth, once again, for showing me that I am not as alone as I feel.

C’mon, cool it. Who are you trying to impress? I suspect we Christians need to remember we were told by Jesus to love one another. Please don’t be mean with your language.

I’m guessing you’re the women’s ministry leader at your church. Am I right?

Well being Catholic I’ve never experienced anything like ‘small group’, so not empathizing but still feeling your pain{{{}}}

It is really hard getting hurt and reaching out again, don’t rush the process, just keep plodding.

I so get you .Last week I skipped for a second meeting in a row and I know in my heart that it’s the beginning of the end for my attendance. I thought I could do it, but it just makes me want to die sitting through it.

Well, the (Catholic) church is a hospital for sinners. Unfortunatly some of it’s members choose to dine on pickles and prune juice. Smile at them, feel very sorry for them, as some of them can be sicker than the lepers that Mother Theresa’s sisters of Charity serve. You maybe the only Jesus they encounter at the gathering.

To love, EE, is to risk getting hurt. Insulating ourselves from pain is no reason to avoid stepping out of our comfort zones.

Those who are telling you to stay home and don’t go back must’ve missed the part of the post where you said you did this out of love for your husband and children. It was admirable of you to do that. Don’t take the advice of strangers over what your family needs from you. From what I can gather, your man has been a big support for you as you have gone through this healing process. The least you can do is be uncomfortable for him for a couple of hours. You did the right thing. Don’t doubt it.

As for Amanda’s comment, I think she was harsh, but I also think it is helpful to remember that no one is perfect, and that if we look hard enough at ourselves we can all find some area of hypocrisy no matter how small or hidden from our own consciousness. Who lives out all of their ideals perfectly?

We have to be careful that we don’t give everyone else a pass when it comes to this and single out Christians to lambaste for it.

I hope something within my ramblings made some sense.

Much love to you, EE.

Love is always a risk. You loving others, others loving you. We never know what sin will ruin. But the alternative is to be a hermit. :/

Do you trust anyone in the group enough to tell them what you wrote here? I was pleasantly surprised once, to express something along these lines and find the person I told completely understanding and making no judgements. I love her, but I could never join her church due to lasting wounds from our cult experience. She understood totally, and has no problem being my friend, even with all my differences.

Wow, there are a lot of hurt and wounded people reading and commenting on your blog.
Perhaps the hardest thing for people to come to terms with when attending a church or small group is the fact that they are as someone else said, full of sinners.
I think what is necessary for the success of the Christian walk is transparency. We are so quick to judge those who are honest about their wrongs–and often times we commit the very same sins.
I have often thought of starting a small group, but then I would have to be transparent and I know, I KNOW how many people would be appalled at my past, would be uncomfortable around me, would not be able to honestly hug me.
I haven’t been hurt by the church, but I believe I have caused a lot of hurt by not standing up for my faith, by being bullied into a terribly sinful life.
Thank God that He was always just a whisper away. Always. He never left me, the moment I cried out to Him, He was there! With answers and directions.
Before I married my husband, I had to tell him EVERYTHING about me, before we were even close, I felt he had to know, so there would never be a roadblock, something that he couldn’t get over.
Even now, with my friendships–very few–I have to have a period of true transparency. This is who I am, this is what I have done and where I have come from. Do you still want to be my friend? The three true friends I have all said yes. And that is why I cannot do the small group thing yet…. How would conservative Newfoundland pentecostal Christians ever know what to do with me. Only one of my true friend is a christian and she lived a life that paralleled mine, weirdly enough, and it took us decades to ever be totally honest with each other.
I wish I could wear a placard sometimes… Even here, under anonymity, I still can’t be honest.
That is the trouble with small groups. I think the people in them have these tiny little sins and hurts and would run screaming from the building if I was ever honest.

You know, I have a beautiful yard of corduroy fabric that’s just begging to be made into a sweet little dress for one of my twins. I think I’ll start on that today. ((hugs)) Love you, Kat.

Mark: I have yet to attend a Catholic small group. When I attended RCIA, I will say that the feeling was much, much different than any other small group I attended. There was a complete and total absence of spiritual one-upmanship. I appreciated that. It made me feel so safe. Thank you, as always, for your kind, encouraging words.

This is me. It’s only Friday and I’m already worrying about it. It does feel like a death, doesn’t it?

My husband suggested I try and be super honest and just tell it like it is. But I won’t do that because, like you, I don’t think they can handle the truth. But I long, too. Maybe….just maybe….

There are many things I’ll do for love. To me, that’s what love is–being uncomfortable for the sake of others’ comfort. It’s not a “sacrifice” in a martyr-like sense. It’s a privilege. But I’m not going to deny that it hurts like hell. I’m willing to try it one more time. But I can only think about it in terms of one more day, one more time.

Thank you for telling me this. Sometimes I do feel all alone when I write these things. Knowing it helped someone else is such a huge encouragement to me. xo.

Because of my experiences, I will probably never call anyone “pastor” ever again…but I’m not much for titles anyway. We were brought on staff at a church where we discovered that the pastor was having an affair with the head of the prayer ministry, and when we brought it to everyone’s attention, it turned out they knew already. We resigned immediately. At the church before that one, we were threatened when we turned in our resignation letters that no one leaves his leadership and survives satan’s attack…that was 4 years ago.

So, yes, I’m leery of ANYTHING church related, but ESPECIALLY small groups. I’ve seen the fakest of the fake in them…I’ve BEEN the fakest of the fake in them. And I’m at the point in my like where I refuse to fake it anymore and what little free time I have, I’d rather spend it with people I like or directly with God. Is that bad??

Thanks for your transparency, Elizabeth!

You know, the small group that I was a part of when I was attending a mainline Church of Christ was made up of, for the most part, very sweet, genuine people who tried to help me. They really did.

But as I started to realize how totally dysfunctional and destructive my relationship with God was, there was less and less that I felt like I could share. It wasn’t that I feared judgement or anger from them. Its that most of them grew up in fairly functional churches, met their spouses at Christian colleges, etc, etc.

It would be like attending a bridal shower and launching into the story of your horribly abusive marriage. I guess I feel protective of them in a way. I’m glad that there are people for whom God is puppies and rainbows, and I don’t want to show them Freddy Kreuger.

I still see them for non Bible study events (birthdays, etc). Its very nice, and very superficial, and they talk to me like I’m carrying explosives. LOL

I did EXACTLY what you did for almost a year of going to small group Bible Study again!!!! It would take me 2 days to get back to “normal” after being there!! But I really loved this one family that was there and wanted to build a relationship with them. It took a long time to heal but we kept going and now we lead a Home Group with about 6 other families!!!!!!! That initial family have become our dearest friends (even though they moved 3 hours away!) and even though I still struggle at times with the sm. group environment, I have been healed by so many wonderfully accepting, safe and non-judgmental people. They ARE out there!

EE, I’ve been thru the abusive church cycle (twice), and I feel bad that you still hurt so much from your experiences. I think trying to do the small group thing is brave, and is also the right thing to do. Forcing myself to stay in church (a 3rd church, after I fled from the two abusive ones) was the only way I was able to heal. It was very hard sometimes. But it really was the only way back to a healthy relationship with The Lord, at least, for me.

I wouldn’t open up to the whole group about your past in the old church — people who haven’t been church-hurt just DON’T get it, and there’s no way to make them get it. It just confuses them, and in their confusion, they tend to say unhelpful things that can grate on raw feelings.

But maybe you’ll find a friend there, and God will show you that you can trust THAT person and open up to them.

I e-mailed you a testimony recently (there’s no reason I wouldn’t want to share it with the group, it’s just very long for a “comment” section). I’ll send it to you again, along with something I wrote a couple of days after that. The Lord has really been helping me get the victory over those post wounds lately, and I’d love it if something therein could also help you.

I feel your pain, Sis. Praying for you. -Pamela

And the thing about having an extra burden in group situations… PTSD from earlier trauma like in your case, or social-anxiety like the other commenter, or post-partum depression (I had that one!) is that we are *required* to be as good to ourselves as humanly possible, in order to keep healing. If the burden of another’s disapproval (or even perceived disapproval) is too much to take, then we have to be free to just say…”Screw it!” Pushing our boundaries is good. Sacrifice is good. But pushing beyond our capacity, in a state of real vulnerabilty, is not the best idea. We can’t always be beatific, because sometimes things just suck! <3

You made me SMILE.
Thanks EE.

You are right on the pre-judgement comment. Definitely I am doing that, but with reason. True Christians are few and far between, you know the ones that emulate Christ by NOT being judgemental, but most that I come into contact with in the church walls have that outward “churchiness” about them that absolutely prevents me from ever wanting to be honest and transparent with them. Something that I apparently need to work on. Because you are right, I don’t know what anyone else has gone through and someone has got to go first… why do I feel like it’s going to be me????
I want to run screaming to my bed now and forget this was ever brought up!!!

That’s a great story, Aimee. It gives me hope.

Thank you, CC. I do try to share just as honestly as I can. I don’t want to become completely jaded. I want to believe in true love again.

p.s. I love Catholicism, too. xo.

Elizabeth, I just want to tell you how much you rock.

I don’t know about “small groups”, being raised secular/ Catholic, and then becoming a practicing Catholic in my adult years, but I have experienced similar things after spending time with a group of people in my community and then needing to go home and pull up the covers, be alone, and “process”. Maybe it’s our personality type. But I would say, despite the negatives, and the rubbing against the very real humanness of my fellow parishioners, the positives of being part of a loving community of (fairly ) like-minded people—–who have known each other “forever” and gone through so many cycles of life and liturgical life—–have far out-weighed any memories of the freaking-out times. I have come to peace with the fact that they are just inevitable and there is no utopia. Things go in waves, and people irritate one another, and things move on……and we get over it and smile again. We can’t give up on one another. So I always try to remind myself: The Body of Christ is a hospital for the weak, for sinners, not a country club for saints. That’s why we’re all here.

Nina, I love your comment. So true, and so beautiful.

This post has been stuck in my mind all day. One last thing I want to add is that even those of us who have been badly hurt…we are capable of hurting others, and probably have or will at some point. It is so easy to unintentionally wound someone. And too easy even to be lost in our own hurt and let it seep out and hurt someone else. To realize so many people are walking wounded, and afraid to approach others because of it, it’s kind of scary to wonder if something I’ve ever said has hurt someone while I was unaware of it, or if someone is looking at me and thinking I’m just another one of “those types” that’ll spit on ya as soon as look at ya. Yikes.

Yes we’re taking a risk in being open to relationships (whether small group, or church, or friendships). Sometimes we will end up hurt. But people are taking a risk on us too.

Kelly, your comment is a snapshot of what many who serve in ministries have experienced – the World thriving in the Church. Affairs, addictions, attitudes, gossip, and more.

In reality, these things should be in the Church. However, instead of these sins being in remission under the loving care of church members empowered by Christ, these sins are allowed to exist and even flourish in certain congregations.

Part of this seems to be expectations. We expect ministries to be different. We expect people to be different. Better. Kinder. Loving. In fact, many are full of real people that could be described these ways. Others allow affairs to exist in some perversion of faith thinking God must condone the behavior.

While the natural reaction is to throw our hands up and stop going to church, Sunday School, or small groups…I pray we’ll seek other denominations or non-denominations to find a group where we can be real while being disciples.

Whew! A LOT of comments!

The two things about small groups that make me extremely uncomfortable are “accountability” and “prayer partners”. I never quite trust another person to not “judge” me while making me accountable. Aren’t I accountable ultimately to God Himself?

And prayer partners. Same, I suppose. I feel as if my prayer must be “up to par”, as if it is a performance of some sort.

Hmmm…makes me sound like a Christian wimp. lol

EE, thank you, thank you for sharing!!!! I was just discussing this with my own small bibile study group. I never attened a small group in the cult so I have no triggers attending a small group…for me its church!!! going to church for me is the equivelent of being locked in a coffin…terrifying and breath-taking.
It helps to read that someone else experiences the same thing.
I shared it on my blog on the “two cents” post.

It seems a little redundant to be commenting when so many others have done so more eloquently than I, but I just have to say… EE, thank you for blogging so openly, so candidly, about recovery from abusive religion! In reading this post, I felt like you must have read my mind and written what you’d found there. ~L

My wife and I host a small group at our home. It is helpful to me to hear how many people worry about being judged, as people who feel they are going to be judged are going to be very sensitive to any careless comments, especially by the group leaders. I personally relish the opportunity NOT to be judging people. I can’t help but think of the verse where we are told that as we judge others, so we will be judged. Seems like a pretty good deal for us humans, simple to do and lots of payoff, both here on earth and in heaven.

I love your honesty. We haven’t been to small groups in 10 years.

The only way for me to get the victory was to grab it by the horns & face it — tho it was very, very hard for awhile. I believe you’re doing the right thing — meaning the thing that will bring you the most complete healing in the quickest way — tho it will not be easy in the short run.

Avoidance only allows us to bury the feelings — where they fester — get worse — and then pop to the surface again later, at the most awkward moments! Avoidance lets us THINK we’re better — in all honesty, we’ve just forgotten about it — until something forces it back to the surface, and we discover that we’re NOT better.

Love you. Praying for you. It’s a tough process. You are being very brave to make the attempt!

ABSOLUTELY. I have been religious. I have hurt people. I have said the wrong thing, done the wrong thing, responded to one of my best friends’ hurt in a way that devastated her. Intentional? NO, but it still happened and I hope and pray I can be forgiven by them! I need grace! So do all those ‘other’ people in small groups. It hurts and is scary to truly relate, because you just can’t control other people and what they might do or say. Also I agree with someone who said you need to trust before you open up. What’s up with people feeling pressured to immediately unload every last painful detail of their lives to near-strangers?! Enforced vulnerability.. wow. Why would anyone share unless they felt safe enough to do so? Anything else sounds kind of abusive. (Sorry it’s so rando, EE you always make me think that’s why I only visit occasionally, my brain’s too small.)

Thank you so much for this post. I can relate, unfortunately, to your post and to many comments here. I experienced the disposable relationships, the competition for piety, & the insincerity. I understand I need community, but is this what it’s really supposed to be? Church small groups have been painful and disappointing for me as well.

I did have one small group experience that was amazing. My friend Jennie had a friend who was interested in learning about the Bible, so Jennie decided to begin a Bible study in her home. Four of us became the core of the group, although we picked up and lost a few others along the way. We rotated among each others’ homes every Monday night, starting with a meal and ending with Bible study and prayer. We met weekly for 2 years until half of us moved away. I can tell you, that small group experience was so uplifting and powerful. We weren’t church-sponsored, we set our own rules, we studied what we wanted to, we shared, we encouraged, and we learned from each other. The four of us became best friends (I only knew Jennie before the study!) and these relationships have lasted. I found love, community, and accountability with this group of women. We could be truly authentic with each other… something I never found in a church-initiated & scheduled group.

All that to say… I think the small group idea CAN work, but maybe to work best, these relationships should be built more creatively and naturally than through a church’s scheduling. How to get all that to happen, I don’t have the answer. I recently moved to a new town where I know NO ONE so I really have no idea how I’d even start. But, if you know some people, it might be worth considering to initiate your own group and develop your own community.