How being an at-home mom isn’t always the best for kids (or moms)

Posted on November 8, 2010 by elizabeth

I am a stay-at-home mom. I used to think I made this choice because it was "best" for my children. I'm beginning to realize that even having the option to make this choice was nothing short of privilege.

Let's make this entirely clear: it's a luxury to be a stay-at-home mom. It simply means we make enough money to live on one income and don't have to choose between working to feed our children or staying home to raise them.

In other words, where I am today is largely the result of factors outside my control: my husband's good job and being born in an affluent area. It would be so easy to take the credit for all this, to say that I made these noble, virtuous mothering choices in the best interest of my precious children.

But that would be a lie.

The only reason I was able to make those choices in the first place was because I wasn't scrabbling for mere survival. Sure, I wanted to be an at-home mom. And as a young woman I made certain sober-minded choices that helped me achieve that goal. 

However, life could have easily handed me a different set of harsher circumstances. And I probably would have had to make different choices; ie. work outside the home.

Would that make me less of a mother? Would I love my children less because I had to work to feed them?

No.

Sometimes I think we lose sight of the fact that even having the option to choose what is "best" for our children is a luxury. Are our children really "best served" by being given the "best" of everything?

I have to be honest and say that in some ways I think being an at-home mom has actually placed my kids at a DISADVANTAGE. For one thing, they've started to take for granted that I'm always going to be here to wash their laundry, fix their meals, help them with homework and run their lunch to school if they forget it at home.

Don't get me wrong. I love tending their needs. But it's my job to raise responsible, independent adults–not molly-coddled leeches. Sometimes I wonder if they will lack the "street skills" (for lack of a better word) to fend for themselves, to solve problems on their own, to be independent without always needing Mommy's help.

In that regard, the child of working parents is building a skill set my kids don't have. Is that skill set qualitatively better? Maybe.

Let's just say I hope my kids don't fall apart in college because I'm not around to help them manage their lives.

Still, I don't regret my "decision" (insofar as it was a decision and not just a privileged option that happened to align with my beliefs and desires) to stay home with my children. It was awesome to be there for all their little "firsts."

But I also know that it was exhausting. And I couldn't have done it for much longer. As much as I feel guilty for saying it, the truth is that I'm a happier mother (and a happier person!) now that all my kids are in school everyday. Or maybe I'm just not chronically exhausted anymore and can actually feel again.

Either way, I feel better.

It's pretty cool to go pee without 5 kids barging in. And I can get dinner on the table every night now that I have time to prep it each morning.

CONFESSION: we ate TONS of takeout food when we had lotsa small children. I WAS TOO TIRED TO COOK! (and guess what? my kids ate the occasional mcnugget and the world didn't end)

Ultimately, I really enjoyed this recent article about motherhood in the Wall Street Journal: "Do the best you can. There are no rules."

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  • http://hoperoadblog.com Anna

    You made a couple of great, rare points:

    1) Being a stay-at-home mom is a privilege,
    2) It should be treated as such.

    This is something I need to remind myself of more often. I am in a rare and privileged minority in the world today.

    However, I think you may have implied two false dichotomies as well:

    1) ALL working moms do not work for mere survival. MANY working moms made that choice freely and without coercion. MANY working moms could stay home if they wanted to. (Am I yelling? Sorry, NYC. I’m just emphasizing.)
    2) MANY stay-at-home moms are making sacrifices of money and loneliness every day, and it does feel like the harder choice to them.

    I’m sure you’re quite well aware of that second point – more than I am! :) I just wanted to point out the other side of the equation.

    And while (unlike you?) I believe that a mother staying home with her young children is usually the best choice, I also think it is a biblical gray area and cannot be used to create categories of first class and second class mothers based on a SAHM or working-mom identity.

    Either way, thanks for bringing some balance to an often-unbalanced discussion! :)

  • http://thebookbeast.blogspot.com SaraJ

    I think the title of this post ought to be “How Being an At-Home Mom Isn’t the *Only* Best for Kids.”

    I realized years ago, after growing up being told that virtuous women stay home and worldly women have jobs and neglect their kids, that the reality was that people usually just need to survive. Granted, choices have a part to play (buy used cars, forego the widescreen TV system), but a lot of people need two jobs just to have a decent house. And yes, that’s when I realized that my MOMS Club of stay-at-home moms was full of women — like me — whose husbands had good jobs and who had the luxury of staying home.

    I homeschool my four, cook supper every night, and have taught the older ones how to clean the house. But I don’t see that mine are remarkably better-adjusted than their friends across the street whose parents both work. That’s because both families are devoted to one another and have their priorities straight.

    I didn’t follow the link to that article yet, but I think I’ve read it — or one like it. The premise being that you do your best, because there’s no one right way? That needs to be said more often.

    – SJ

  • http://sevenlittleaustralians.blogspot.com/ Erin

    Elizabeth
    Thought provoking as usual.

    “I have to be honest and say that in some ways I think being an at-home mom has actually placed my kids at a DISADVANTAGE. For one thing, they’ve started to take for granted that I’m always going to be here to wash their laundry, fix their meals, help them with homework and run their lunch to school if they forget it at home.”

    I can understand your concern and pondering, been there, but remember you children are still young yet, you won’t see the fruits of your labour for a few years yet. All those years of reminding and reminding, thinking “no one is listening” are finally starting to pay off here in many areas. My oldest is now 17 and I have dispared that she is really taking any notice of my modeling and talking. I’m now seeing she was! She is going out of her comfort zone and tackling areas, saying things etc that I realise she will make a wonderful functioning adult. I’m so proud of her.

  • http://www.aspergersmom.wordpress.com Rachel

    I really liked your balanced view on this subject. You give yourself credit deserved, “Sure, I wanted to be an at-home mom. And as a young woman I made certain sober-minded choices that helped me achieve that goal.” But you also reflect that none of this happened for you in a vacuum and that there were other contributing factors over which you had no control.

    I read a lot of posts, articles, etc in, which I have heard termed “The Mommy Wars” bashing working mothers or pitying stay at home mothers or vice versa. I really liked that you pointed out that every mother wants to give their child the best but that sometimes the best is a unaffordable luxury.

    I believe I can teach my kids to be self sufficient even when I am home. My boys have been doing their own laundry since they were 6 and 8 (respectively) and it would have been earlier for the older one if I had a washer and dryer in the home earlier. I don’t bring textbooks, projects or lunches to school. If they forget, they have to suffer the natural consequences. I don’t know about California, but in Florida, the school will automatically give them a lunch and send a request for the $ which comes out of their allowance.

    However, I would agree that there are some advantages to being the child of a working mother. There is a learning to just get along that day care requires. There is a valuing of mom’s time and life choices. It becomes clear to the child that everything in life doesn’t revolve around them.

    There is also the other alternative, the woman who could stay home but chooses to work. She sees it as balancing her needs personally, with the needs of the family as a whole. While I personally have a hard time understanding that dynamic, I am not willing to be condemning. After all, it is a lifestyle choice similar to my decision to have a large family and I hate it when people condemn my choice simply because they could never see themselves making it.

  • http://profile.typepad.com/elizabethesther Elizabeth Esther

    You’re right, I didn’t address the “choosing to work” mom. I guess I don’t think it changes my point. If a woman has the choice about whether to work or stay home, does choosing to work make her a second-class mother? Is “choosing to work” selfish and “choosing to stay home” selfless? I don’t think so. Mainly I don’t think it’s my job to presume to know the motivations of another mother’s heart. If a mother goes to work, I assume she needs to go and I don’t get into the ifs/how/whys of whether she really NEEDS to work or if she’s just CHOOSING to work. (see? i use all-caps too!) :) Thanks for the input, Anna.

  • http://www.thecottagechild.blogspot.com the cottage child

    I would just add that all moms work – I cringe just a little when I hear the terminology, SAHM implies that we’re sitting around drinking Fresca and commenting on blogs :P ….I don’t think inspired, productive children are the products, or not, of WHERE their mothers work, necessarily.

    Luxury? – maybe. It depends on how you define luxury. To me “luxury” implies something is not only unnecessary, but frivolous, and I don’t think either of those things applies to a stay at home parent. Frankly, for me, the luxury would be dressing up and going to a job. My work life was VERY financially rewarding(and a lot easier than this household management/parenting gig, which seems to be an ongoing exercise in creative problem solving and in return all I get is peanut butter wiped on my hand towels). I continue part of my work from home, and I work hard to stretch our dollars so that we can continue to educate our children at home, because I know that academically our curriculum is superior to our local ps, and their education is my responsibility. AND I don’t want them thinking I’m always going to do their laundry and clean their bathroom so they do their own, early and often. I think all of those things are geared so that my kids will know that they do enjoy a life beyond subsistence, and the drive to help those who don’t. I don’t think any of those things is frivolous or unnecessary.

  • Maggie Dee

    Thank you. I know I for one am done with explaining to anyone the choices that my hubby and I make in our day to day lives. We make choices that suit our needs/wants at that specific point. It’s called exercising our free-will. I’m so tired of the mommy police, evironment police, school police, type of car you drive police, et al. It’s just become too much. I’m taking my sand box toys and going home.

    I have a scene that I play out in my mind where someone is starting to lecture me on some item. In it I say, “Hold that thought”. I whip out my planner, open it up to the calender and say, “Sorry I don’t have any room in my schedule today for a lecture, but you’re in luck, next Thursday is Moral Superiority Day. Would you like me to pencil you in?” I haven’t had the opportunity to use that line yet and I’m not sure if I would be brave enough to spit words out, but it’s nice to think about.

  • http://profile.typepad.com/elizabethesther Elizabeth Esther

    You really hit on something, here, and yes, it’s really what underlies this whole post. I’m REALLY tired of explaining. I do what I do and that’s that. Period. I hope you get a chance to use your “moral superiority” line! :)

  • http://faithandfood.morizot.net/ Scott Morizot

    I’ll point out that both the “working mother” and the “sahm” as we understand them in our modern American context are vastly different than anything we can find in history. Until the industrial revolution, the household was also almost always the place of business. That was true whether it was the meanest of rural subsistence farms or the household of Lydia, who dealt in purple (and you do have to have at least some understanding of the ancient world to grasp what that meant in a Roman colonia).

    Both parents “worked” all day every day (unless you were Jewish and had a “lazy” day), but that work was largely centered in and around the household. There were exceptions. Mercenaries. Some soldiers. Seafarers. But those were definitely exceptions. And by and large, the children worked with the family in whatever the family did. Everyone contributed.

    So today. Both the ability for both parents to work outside the home and the ability for one to stay home and focus on a nuclear family can be privileges. Or in some situations they can both be necessities. I’ve lived and experienced both. But they are both artifacts of the modern world and we are basically making the rules up as we go.

    Fortunately children are pretty adaptable. My wife grew up with a mother at home and (for much of her childhood) a housekeeper who is still a second mom to her. I grew up a little more … chaotically. And I learned to manage everything from how to navigate Houston inside the loop (including dealing with the perverts) to surviving in rural America (Mississippi, West Virginia, and the Arkansas Ozarks) and lots in between. And we both bring all that to our parenting.

    We have always made a point of our kids (male and female) learning how to cook, do laundry, and all the other essentials of life. Our adult children have appreciated that knowledge. Beyond that, with our nuclear families in single dwelling homes in a highly mobile and disconnected society we’re largely making up the rules as we go.

  • michelle

    Wow a luxury? NO WAY! I am not “easily” at home. I get a tight budget, no going to eat, no shopping like before, and a tiny, tiny home for the 4 of us. I gave up a lot to be at home, I made that decision so I would not have to pay a STRANGER to raise my children.

    In what world would that be a better thing than having mommy at home? In a world where mommy would rather be at work, instead of taking care of her responsibility. Yes, I agree. That is why we need resources and help and encouragement from society for moms that choose to raise their OWN children, and not day cares, nannies, etc.

  • http://profile.typepad.com/elizabethesther Elizabeth Esther

    Michelle: I’m glad you feel like you made the right decision for you and your family. That was really the whole point of this post.

    However, your decision and your “sacrifice” doesn’t give you the right to disparage working mothers by implying they have “strangers” raising their children.

    Can’t we be content in the decisions we make for our families without needing to compare it to others?

  • http://profile.typepad.com/emalwitz1 Emalwitz

    I am a stay at home mom and honestly some days I would give anything to go off to work. I could not make enough to support all the childcare would cost so it’s not really an option. And I’m honestly glad I get to be with my kids. But I find that sometimes if I am physically with them too much I mentally end up not being with them at all. So personally I have to have the kids in school or get some time outside of kid world or else I’m a pretty crummy mom.
    I always find it odd when I tell people I’m a stay at home mom and they give me this awkward smile and say “oh that’s so great that you can do that.” When in my head I’m thinking. You have no idea what kind of mom I am, maybe I stay at home and watch TV with the kids all day. Just because someone is a stay at home mom does not make them more of a saint.

  • KatR

    My mother worked outside the home out of financial necessity. I went to a fantastic Montessori school from the time I was three until I was five, and my babysitter for first grade through third grade was a wonderful woman who was the mother of my best friend.

    These women who helped raise and teach me as a child weren’t strangers, and I’m very thankful I had the opportunity to have them in my life.

  • http://www.sohappytolove.blogspot.com Heidi Stephen

    Oh my goodness! This is probably my favorite thing you have written….and i’m not even a mom! (yet)

    I’ve actually really been wrestling with this issue. My mom was the the ultra stay-at-home mom who homeschooled me and my younger sister (although she ended up sending my two littler sisters to school)

    Because of the way I was raised and the conversations I have had with my mom, I have always felt that it was the more Godly choice to stay at home. That you have to trust God and make that choice. It sounded like working mothers were selfish and not making loving choices.

    Now, I’ve been married 3 years (and am currently only 23), and I’ve been observing working mothers at my workplace. They love their children and they desire to be with their children but they have to work to make ends meet. I admire them.

    I despartely want to be a stay-at-home wife and, in the future, a stay-at-home mom. That is simply my hearts desires. But I have been realizing what a privilege it would be. Especially in Orange County where cost of living is so high. My husband is working so hard right now in order to acheive that dream for both of us. If it does happen, I realize that I must treat it as a priviledge and not as a right.

    I’ve never heard anyone articulate it like you did in this article…it helped clear my thoughts up SO much on it!

    I can’t WAIT to be a mom but I am so grateful for all that I am learning and being able to process beforehand.
    Thanks for being a part of my journey!

  • Nurse Bee

    Just wanted to say a big thank you for this post! I choose to work (because we do all have a choice) because I feel that is best for my family. I wish it really could just be left at that. I get tired of defending my life.

  • http://www.sohappytolove.blogspot.com Heidi Stephen

    I really like your last statement, Elizabeth.
    “Can’t we be content in the decisions we make for our families without needing to compare it to others.”

    I am SO trying to learn to do that right now!

    I appreciate your wisdom in this area.

  • http://bucketofparts.blogspot.com Emily

    I’m sort of torn here…
    I was raised by a stay-at-home mom. And yeah, now I live on my own, I can do my own laundry, etc., etc., etc. I think any child that is not an only child learns pretty fast that the world doesn’t revolve around them, and that they have to share, etc. I don’t think day care can teach those things better than siblings!
    Yes, I know there are some families who require two incomes to feed their kids. But I think this is a tiny minority. How much money is left after the new clothes, the lunches out, the day care costs, the baby-sitters, etc.? I don’t know for sure, but I imagine not much.
    I’m 28, for the record. I want kids more than anything in the world, and having been raised with a stay-at-home mom, I just can’t imagine ever letting someone else raise my child. I definitely think it’s the best thing for them. Almost everyone I knew grew up with a stay at home mom, and we are all functioning adults, with jobs, who do not live with our parents. :)
    Like I said, I realize that for some people, they have to work. But I think that really, a child needs a parent at home. They need to *be* home–not go from daycare, to school, to day care, to home for two hours before they go to bed to do it all again.

  • Jenelyn

    Great post. I think in the end, it’s about being content and confident with your decision and not worrying about others decisions if they differ from yours. I’m not gonna lie–this is hard for me sometimes. I’ve seen extremes such as SAHMs who have full time nannies so they can go shopping. Or moms who have flat out told me they would rather work than be at home with their kids. I know moms who would love to get back to working in some fashion and working moms who are in tears about leaving their kids each morning. As I’ve said before regarding issues such as these, being a mom is a tough enough gig. Let’s work at building each other up instead of tearing each other down.

  • Ami

    I believe, in a perfect world, having a parent in the home is the greatest asset a child can have. I have no statistical proof of this, it is only my gut feeling and opinion. And I am not naive enough to believe that we all live in a perfect world. Financial necessity can make the stay at home parent an impossibility. I also believe that some mothers need to work outside the home to achieve good mental health, self esteem, or a needed sense of accomplishment. So I appreciate the non-judgemental point of view of this blog.

    However, I don’t like the words ‘privilege’ or ‘luxury’ coupled with my ability to stay at home with my children. While I have been blessed with several advantages (such as a faithful, hard-working husband and a remarkable resistance to mental and physical illness) that have been given freely to me, much of my ability to remain at home has come because of hard work. For most of our 11 years together, my husband earned between $11 and $13 an hour, which isn’t exactly the definition of affluence in the U.S. And while I don’t ever, EVER want to come across as boastful or prideful, I am…..pleased. Pleased that I could take advantage of my blessings and put forth the very hard work to secure what I feel to be important: stay at home with my family.

    Thank you for the opportunity to put my thoughts into words.

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  • KatR

    Sigh. Working mothers aren’t letting “other people raise their children”.

    Are other people helping in the raising of the kids? Yes. But unless you are a SAHM who homeschools and never lets the kids stay with grandma, an aunt, or the babysitter down the street while you and your husband go to a movie, you’ll be letting other people help raise your children as well.

  • http://www.keepingupwiththelobers.blogspot.com Amie

    I really hate the whole Mommy Wars thing – You are so right that each family needs to make the decision that is best for *THEIR* family that that time.

    I think that sometimes, as parents we are a little confused about what is best though, which I think was part of your point. HMMMM, I think that a better way of saying it would be “make the best choice based on the opportunities available to you”? And in America we have a lot of them, we should be thankful for that.

    I think that you made a couple of far reaching assumptions that might not be totally true. I have found that children of WOHM do less chores and help out less around the house. This is just my observation. Getting kids trained and used to doing chores and helping out around the house and keeping them doing it takes a lot of work, and time. I have noticed that WOHM are so tired (and understandably so) that they would rather just do the work then get their kids to do it.

    Another thing is that it is true that not all SAHM’s are there because we have the luxury of it. I doubt *most* families, if they were making what we make would have a parent staying home. We are able to do it by sacrifice (ones that we are willing to make, and DO NOT expect of everyone) and, honestly, the kindness of others. I get a little sensitive when it is assumed that my children will not have full and rewarding lives because we won’t be taking Disney vacations or signing up for every sport and dance class. They do do things though, we are members of the YMCA, my daughter is a part of a ballet class ministry, etc, etc. I am not suggesting sacrificing means “giving up everything” but just being really creative with your time and resources makes it possible to still have a rewarding and full life.

    I hope all of that made sense, it is early and I am only on one cup of coffee. :) Going to link you on my blog, btw.

  • Steph

    Thank you for this. It was the encouragement I needed…I’m working right now (literally…in to work 1.5 hours early to get ready for my teaching day) while my husband is in school, and I’ve been waiting for three years to stay home with my little girl. I miss her all the time while I’m at work, and I think I tell myself too often that I’m not being a good mom because I’m working and then I’m too busy to play with her much when I’m home. I *think* I’m the only full-time working mom in my church, too, which doesn’t help.

    Staying at home can be financially difficult…but sometimes you can’t pay bills on one income. And we’re not talking about luxuries here, we’re talking about average housing prices, gas, healthy but frugal groceries, utilities, no cable, no new clothes, etc. Yes, I have to pay for child care, but my sister charges me a very low fee.

    Anyway, you encouraged me a lot today. I know I’m doing the right thing for our family right now, and I always pray that someday soon I’ll be able to go home to look after my girl (and hopefully have some more kids too). I think I’ll have to change my internal monologue a little bit.

  • Amanda

    I too had a bit of a problem with staying at home being described as “a luxury.” While it may be for some people, my husband and I make sacrifices in order for me to be a stay-at-home Mom. Our lives would be significantly easier and more comfortable (more ‘luxurious’) if I worked – but we have decided that my being home to raise our children is more important to both of us. I do consider myself very fortunate to be at home, and feel for Moms who truly don’t have the option (thinking single Moms specifically), but I wouldn’t call it a luxury.

  • Margaret

    Interesting how perspective and experience leads to different conclusions.

    We sacrifice financially so I can be at home, giving up some things that people consider necessities (but that we don’t). In the sense that I can do this without us all starving to death, yes, I suppose it’s a luxury. On the flip side, for some women *working* is a luxury. And in situations where we’d be likely to starve to death, we’d probably be part of a whole nation in an entirely different economic context.

    And we did make this decision because of what we believe is best for our family, and for our children. I’m not ashamed of that, nor is it a matter of “pride”. If we didn’t believe it was best for them, I’d get a full time job and make our financial situation easier. There’s no point in me doing this if it’s not a good thing, and not worthwhile.

    Does that mean I don’t think working mothers love their children? Um, nope. My mom worked full time most of my childhood. I often wished she was home, but I don’t condemn her and I certainly know she loved us and wanted the best for us. My sister is at school, and her baby goes to daycare. I would have made different choices, but that doesn’t mean I hate my sister, or consider her a bad mother. She’s doing what she feels she has to do. We have found that it is perfectly possible to have different opinions about such matters and still love each other and enjoy each other’s company.

    My main objection is the idea that sahm leads to raising molly-coddled leeches who don’t know how to do anything for themselves. Er, isn’t that just dipping your own toes into the “mommy wars” a little? ;) It’s simply untrue of any of the families I know with sah moms, so I don’t understand where that idea comes from.

  • Caroline

    It’s interesting to read everyone’s point of view on this. It sounds like both sides, both “SAHMs” and “working mothers” feel attacked and belittled from time to time.

    Here’s my take: In the community I live in, it is hard to find mothers who stay at home. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked, in a somewhat snotty tone of voice, “So, what do you *DO* all day?” The implication being that I can’t possibly be doing anything good and productive, especially since my child is older and in school. This is followed by an equally snotty statement, “Must be nice.” To which I’ve gotten used to saying, “Thanks, it IS nice.”

    No one is particularly virtous by “choosing” to stay at home or to work. And while we’re on the topic, someone mentioned in a previous comment that “only” children think the world revolves around them and they don’t know how to share. That’s another assumption I run into a lot. Not true. Maybe you’ve observed only children who are like that, but not mine. He’s the happiest, most well-adjusted child you will ever meet. I like to attribute that to me staying at home with him :-)

  • Deborah L

    Interesting post and comments. I would like to add (maybe it’s been said already)that I sure do appreciate all the working moms out there – my doctor comes to mind and nurses, teachers, etc. What would we do without them? And I appreciate at-home moms, too. Let’s give each other a break. I loathe the judging and comparing that goes on amongst women. I am a MOSTLY stay-at-home mom. I work an occasional shift here and there to keep up my nursing licence. I work with a group of fantastic moms. Some full time, some part-time, some casual like me. I’ve chosen to work casually when my husband can be home because that’s what I feel is best for our family right now. I work with full-time mommies who are doing what they feel is best for their families.

    Thanks for a thought-provoking post!

  • http://www.thecottagechild.blogspot.com the cottage child

    I’ll provide you some snark, Craig – I know (have employed a couple) Mom’s who go to work and drink Fresca and comment on blogs – work ethic has nothing to do with where a Mom works. I’ve been surprised to know women who “need to work” who manage to do very little of it. It’s disturbing whether it amounts to stealing from our children or stealing from our employer.

    I would only say that neglecting the work has more serious consequences in some fields than others.

  • http://www.faithlikemustard.wordpress.com Megan @ Faith Like Mustard

    Weird. I was just thinking about this today. It occurred to me that there’s probably little to no debate on this issue in developing nations where either women aren’t given the opportunity to hold jobs or raising children is “just what women do.” That’s it…I’m packing my bags for sub-Sahara Africa… ;)

    I’m tired of the debate, too. I was a SAHM until my kids started school. I don’t regret the decision–I feel like my kids would have been less confident (given their personalities) had I not been at home with them during those early years and I am grateful that I got to spend a lot of time with them during their impressionable years. Still, I definitely saw the flip-side of that coin. I was exhausted and cranky a LOT. And, like Elizabeth, I feel like I’m a *much* better mom now that the girls are in school and we have a little time apart.

    To each his/her own…We each have to live with the choices we make. Live and let live!

  • http://musings--aloud.blogspot.com Leah

    Yes Michelle, it IS a luxury. You may not be currently living in what you would consider “luxury” since you made the decision to stay home, but the simple fact that you had a choice in the matter is a luxury. Many mothers do not have that choice. On the grand scale, you are a part of a privileged few.

  • Naomi’s mom

    EE this is a great post! You know that I come from the same fundie past as you and had to overcome all of my thinking and guilt about “women’s roles”. When our fundie church blew apart I was looking at myself — in a new town with no friends — wondering what I was going to do with myself. Here I was, a very intelligent woman with a degree from a top 20 school and nothing better to do with my time than diapers, cook, and clean. It was depressing!

    I was reading the news one day when I read that there was a need for special education teachers and I said, “that’s me.!” I went back to school, finished my credential and decided to go to work. Going back to work for me was torturous. I was so guilty about leaving my kids (all school age and on my same schedule). The guilt was ridiculous.

    Here is what my 4 kids have learned:
    1. everyone should work hard every day
    2. women should not expect to be “taken care of” by men
    3. don’t forget your lunch or you get crappy cafeteria food.
    4. get your homework done before mom gets home or you’ll get no free time. (read: no more nagging)
    5. It’s a lot of fun having extra disposable income.
    6. Use all your time wisely ‘cuz their ain’t much of it.

    These are priceless life lessons. I believe my kids are better for it. How did I ever believe that me being home to help teach them all of these life lessons was more important than the actual implementation?

  • http://basementstamper.blogspot.com Kim Howard

    Great article! As a “work outside the home” mom, I appreciate your viewpoint and I have the utmost respect for those who “work at home”. You are right, it is a choice we all make, and we do what is best for our situation.

    I love my children and I don’t feel that I’m letting “strangers” raise them. I think many follow suit of how they were raised. My mother always worked outside the home and we didn’t want for anything. My mother was supportive and there for us whenever we needed anything.

    I enjoy my job outside the home as well as my job within the home. I do my best, along with my husband, to balance it all and I think we are raising healthy, happy, well educated children.

    Thank you for sharing your viewpoint and as you so eloquently put it “Can’t we be content in the decisions we make for our families without needing to compare it to others?”

  • Martha

    For me, it is a ‘luxury’ to be able to go to work. If I had stayed at home with my daughter I would be any angry depressed mother and she would be in therapy by the time she was a teen.

    I envy and respect my friends who stay at home with their children. I know they have a hard job, each and every day. And there are many times when I am juggling work with daycare/school dropoffs, lessons, special events at school, and/or a sick child, that I wish I did not work. I nearly cried when she started school, thinking of all the time I missed out on with her and would never get back.

    But I admitted to myself long ago that I am not cut out to be home and on call 24/7. I had post natal depression, and then just plain old depression. I cannot be endlessly patient and giving of my all, all the time. We live half way around the world from family so there is no extended support network. Using daycare and working gives me a much needed time out from parenting, gives me grown up time and lets me be a more stable happier mommy in the time I am home with my daughter.

    Maybe that makes me a bad mother. I’m sure in some in some people’s eyes I am. But I believe I am a good mother for admitting my limitations and finding a balance that works for us. I’m tired of the

  • http://terrybreathinggrace.wordpress.com terry@breathing grace

    I wasn’t going to comment on this one because 1) I;m trying to lay low since I’m freeing myself from the constant documentation of my oen thoughts for a couple of months, and 2) there’s probably nothing I could say that someone else hadn’t said. But alas, here I am commenting. I’ll try to be brief, but I probably won’t succeed, lol.

    The first thing is that if you’re serving your kids too much, that’s on you. I have a high school junior and twin sophomores, and I haven’t done their laundry since they were in middle school, except during very busy seasons when they havehad legitimate reasons for not being able to do it. Many mothers think that they need to justify being at home by being a slave to their kids. I probably do far more than I should like most modern SAHM’s, but I am steadily learning the value of letting my kids sink or swim.

    As for the skill sets kids learn by being left to raise themselves most of the afternoon, I get to see it up close and personal in my neighborhood. The value of being at home is not micromanaging and being a personal maid. It’s being present to see what’s happening. There are kids whose houses are known as the house where certain kids can go to get stoned after school. Girls whose boyfriends are visiting houses from 3-6 when parents aren’t home. In our extended family, there is a cousin from a hard working Chirstian family who gave birth at 13 to a baby conceived during the after school hours at home.

    The problem of course, is not that mothers are at work. It’s that communities are disconnected. My mom worked part time, but the elderly neighbors in the community spoke up when they saw suspicious stuff happening at our house while our parents were at work. Still, some stuff happened in our house that my parents would be appalled to hear even though we are all grown up (I’m the youngest). I’ve seen concerned parents try to tell other parents when they saw their kids doing things they shouldn’t get shot down. I want to now if someone sees my kids doing something wrong, but not all parents do. They think they’re being judged.

    So EE, I appreciate what you’re trying to say here, but I do know parents who make great financial sacrifices so that the mom can stay home. I even know a mom who quit working when her son started middle school becuase she understood (and anyone who knows her sone knew she was 100% correct) that she would need to be present more as he entered the teen years.

    This is getting long, :) . My point, which I fear got lost in the ramble, is that the world we live in now and the disconnectedness of neighborhoods and extended families has created a dynamic which frankly requires that a parent (mom or dad, take your pick) be present as kids grow up. The child left to his own devices in our generation is leaarning a “skill set” that children in past generation didn’t learn until they were much older, whether the moms worked or not. As society has become more selfish and less concerned about others, the situation demands that we be more diligent to look after our own kids.

    For the record, black women have never stayed home in mass. Do you think there is a connection between that and the 70% out of wedlock birth rate and disproportionate crime rates among black youth?

    I think it would be naive to ignore it, or to ignore the increasing percentages of these pathologies in other ehtinic and demographic groups as more and more children are being raised by single parents, and being left to figure out life on their own before they are ready to do so.

  • http://highcountries.wordpress.com Jamie

    i love your site, i really do, but as a mom who made the choice to stay home, i kind of bristle at a few of your statements about staying at home being a sign of affluence and luxury. now, if we’re talking about those terms in the spectrum of the whole world — YES, i am an affluent american!! but within america? or JAPAN, where i am now? i’m on the poor end of the spectrum. i just don’t think its as cut and dry as you’ve presented it. and i think you would say so yourself, i suppose..

  • shadowspring

    I would never say a working mother is a bad mother. Even though I am a SAHM, I cringe inside when I hear that even implied by others.

    A “bad mother” is one who neglects her childrens needs, refuses to consider her childrens thoughts and feelings as precious and valid, and one whose resentment at having children is felt by those children- whether unspoken or expressed violently.

    Bad mothers can be SAHMs. Bad mothers can work outside the home. Bad mothers can use daycare, day schools, boarding schools and/or nannies. Bad mothers can home school, demanding that their children never be allowed out of their sight. Bad mothers are everywhere.

    Good mothers, on the other hand, care for the needs of their children. Good mothers listen to their childrens thoughts with care and nurture their childrens hearts. Good mothers have their own outside interests and activities, so that they can recharge their hearts, so that they will not grow to resent the demands of motherhood and their children by extension.

    Good mothers work outside the home. Good mothers are SAHMs. However they spend their time, they have a love for what they do, and their contribution to the family unit is highly valued by the other adults in that family. They truly care for their children and it shows. Their children feel it in their deepest being: mommy loves me. That’s what really makes a “good mother”.

  • Nurse Bee

    Interesting that you’ve captured so many sterotypes of working moms in one comment. None of which are true for me or any of the other working moms I know.

    I hope if you ever become a mother you are able to stay at home, but I also hope you learn to extend some grace and understanding to others who find themselves in less than ideal circumstances.

  • joanne

    Aren’t all views so subjective? We are a product of so much: how/where we grew up; where we live now; our “class”; our community; our country; and so much more. I can never decide for another woman in the same way she can never decide for me. I do not live anyone else’s story.

    As a SAHM with a long and complicated journey, I had very little choice some years and more others. Disabilities, crisis, and circumstances beyond my control helped me make my choices. With all 4 of them between the ages of 17 & 22 now; one married with a child, I see so much differently than I did even just a few years back.

    The years have flown – and will fly even quicker now. I have no regrets staying at home, feeding them lunch, attending sporting & school events, and yes, even doing most of their laundry until they left home. They are stable, independent, adventurous, wonderful young adults, and I count it a privilege to have clocked the most hours as been their teacher/mentor/cheerleader, friend and more.

  • Lindsey

    I work as a nanny, and it’s an interesting twist for me as I work for working parents (and generally, rather affluent ones who can afford to HAVE a nanny though currently I am working for the state as a nanny to twin baby girls who are wards of the state) and it is one of the desires of my heart to stay at home and raise my own children one day. Which is an easy guess considering what I do now. Since that’s what I’ve always wanted to do, I haven’t always understood WHY some of these working moms chose to work. But then it clicked for me one day when one of my employers said to me (about their own kids, ha), “I have no idea how you do what you do all day long.” Funny, I had the same thought about them :) It was a realization then and continues to be, that some women truly desire to work outside the home and are better moms, wives, co-workers, etc for it. There are women who love to work in within their home. I fall within the latter. Not all women are wired the same, and knowing that has helped me stop judging and start helping people be in the environment where they thrive best.

    I was a senior in a fundie Christian high school (where my male classmates boasted about never allowing their wives to work–pfft) when it occurred to me that my mom was not a SAHM. Never had been! She was an ICU nurse and later worked for my dad. But it never mattered to me because she was always there when I needed her.

  • http://remnantofremnant.blogspot.com priest’s wife

    I’ve always worked (part time college instructor)- even up to the day my babies have been born BUT my kids have never needed hired hands. It takes a lot of flexibility, but it works for us

    for me- there is nothing more depressing than a mom working minimum wage, paying an illegal half minimum wage to watch the kids….sad

  • http://profile.typepad.com/morningstarr Dina

    word!

    I used to be so smug and self-righteous when we were poor and “making it” on one income and yet I “sacrificed” to stay home. truth is, I WANTED to stay home and I had the LUXURY of doing so, even when times when tough. now that my window of the world is much broader, I understand how necessary it is for some mothers to work and how well their children mature in having to pick up some responsibilities.

    great post!

  • http://www.brigidkeely.com/baby brigidkeely

    I’m a stay at home parent with mental illness (Depression and Anxiety) that functions best when I work outside the home and have a set and steady schedule and an income “of my own.” But because my husband makes more money than I do, and we can’t afford day care, I am a stay at home parent. I enjoy my child, I’m glad I have a child, but in an ideal world I’d be working at least part time while someone else provided child care for part of the day. I think I would be more mentally healthy, and I think I would be a better parent if this option was available.

    When I say I’m a stay at home parent, most people make certain assumptions about me and my family’s lifestyle/level of income and about my parenting choices/style. It’s interesting.

    (While we qualify for subsidized day care in our state, I would have to actually have a job before we enrolled in it, and it takes a month to process/approve, which means we’d have to pay for a month of day care at full price before we got subsidized day care and we can’t afford that. It’s so frustrating to have this hanging just out of reach as an option and not be able to use it.)

  • Heidi

    For a few days I was THAT “Stranger” HELPING to raise (not raising) other people’s children as a professional nanny. I was not paid to raise anyone’s children. My job in each situation is unique and often consists of being an additional role model and loving person to the children and a support to the parents (who always end up being some of my best friends). I am no longer that “Stranger” – WE are all a family – we love, value, and respect each other and we are all living out what we were called to do. Some of the moms and I worked at home as a team and some of those mom’s worked (they were better moms in their unique situation because they worked!) – there is no “This is the way it SHOULD be.” If you were to speak to any of my former charges/families you would see that we are all better because of the rich experience we shared and continue to share. Many of the children I helped raise are older now and I continue to share a very close bond with both the families and the children. And thus, you see, things are not always as black and white as we would like to make them out to be.

  • KK

    I know where you are coming from Michelle. I get that some say that they ‘need’ the second income but, how do you afford childcare/ good schools? On a teachers salary the money I would be making would be maybe just enough to cover childcare/ schools for our 4. In this case, I would be working to pay for another to practically raise my kids.
    I do work part time as a tutor in the evenings to help pay bills. I wish it was extra money for spending, vacations, savings but it’s not.
    I think the issue that needs to be brought to the table is that we as a culture have lost our sense of community. IMO, It is an unnatural and unhealthy thing for a mom to be home with kids all day with no help from others. Back in the day you had, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins who all helped out and took turns. In other places in the world women do their house chores together and take turns watching each others children when need be. We don’t have this and this is what really needs to change for women, who WANT to stay home, to do so without losing it.

  • Lisa

    “For the record, black women have never stayed home in mass. Do you think there is a connection between that and the 70% out of wedlock birth rate and disproportionate crime rates among black youth?”

    Wow. Are you for real? At first I thought this must be a joke. And then I realized it wasn’t, and I was sickened that no one else called you out on this unbelievably racist statement.

    Terry, I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t even want to engage you. But silence implies complicity. I do not even remotely agree with you so I will say so and leave it at that. I am disappointed that no one else so far has responded, not even the author of this site.

    P.S. The term is not in mass, it’s en masse. Check the dictionary.

  • http://profile.typepad.com/elizabethesther Elizabeth Esther

    Lisa: First of all, Terry is an African-American woman herself. She is also a longtime reader of this site and a dedicated wife and mother. Although she and I often RESPECTFULLY disagree, I still try to understand her perspective. You, however, have taken one snippet of her comment–which was really more of a question–and used it to accuse her of making an “unbelievably racist statement.”

    Pardon me, but as the owner of this site–the only one leaping to ridiculous and completely unfounded conclusions is YOU.

    Additionally, if you want me to take you seriously? Maybe your very first comment on my site shouldn’t be a personal attack against one of my most loyal readers.

  • http://www.onesweetfamily.com Adoption Mama

    Thank you for this post! I do think to an extent SAHM’ing is a privilege. Even if you are living on beans and rice, not going out, never going on vacation, etc. you are still privileged to make that choice at all as opposed to one who *has* to work in order to survive on beans and rice. It is a misnomer that either choice is best for someone else’s children. For once we need to let that choice be left up to those who are actually the parents.

    I WOH full-time in a wonderful career that I adore. The “stranger raising my kids” is my husband. How’s that for throwing ya for a loop?

    Thanks again for the awesome post. Be blessed today in whatever you do!

  • Crystal

    This is an interesting and thought provoking post. I grew up with a Mom who stayed home for most of my formative years, 4-22. We even had a house-keeper. My mom was always around to take me my forgotten lunch, be the room mother, or shuttle my forgotten dance equipment. That being said, in the 90s my Dad made a ton of money and our cost of living was much lower then. Our lifestyle was most definitely a luxury. However, it was as trade-off, my mom worked a ton of hours in my early years while my Dad was getting his graduate degrees.

    I am not in the same boat. I am a full-time attorney and my husband works a busy and hectic job for a big corporation. Together our incomes don’t even match what my Dad made in the 90s. Yes, I could probably stay home, but we would have to pinch every penny. My working is a truly a choice, but I feel that I put myself through too much school and owe far too much in student loans to stay at home and pinch every penny we make. I like being able to afford to buy my son new shoes when he needs them, begin his college fund now, and splurge on fancy groceries. My son goes to a wonderful pre-school that I love and is a place that I know in my heart only fulfills his life more.

    My whole point of this is that bottom line, families need to do what works best for them. There are plenty of miserable “working” moms and “stay-at-home” moms in this world. Ladies, let’s quit the judgment over what is best. Let’s just do what makes us the most happy and the most sane!

  • http://terrybreathinggrace.wordpress.com terry@breathing grace

    @ EE: Thanks for the defense. It means more than I can express!

    @ Lisa: As EE noted, I am black, which is why I feel perfectly comfortable saying the things my white sisters and brothers are afraid to say for fear of being called a racist. I have spent far more time than I can justify researching what has happened to the black community over the past 50 years.

    I grew up in a town where the numbers of non-black residents within the town limits could literally be counted on one hand. I have watched as welfare replaced husbands and the out of wedlock birthrate (which has always been higher among blacks than our white counterparts) got even worse. It is now 70%.

    I see the Planned Parenthood clinics (thank you feminists!) popping up on the edges of depressed neighborhoods as I leave my admittedly comfortable, white middle class neighborhood to return to “the ‘hood” on Sundays to go to church because that’s the style of worship I am most familiar and comfortable with.

    There are a lot of things I don’t know much about, and I admit that readily. I am probably far more opinionated than a good Christian woman should be, lol. But I believe that when all is said and done, that when you strip away cultural differences, skin color, socio-economic status and the rest, people are just people. Black people are not uniquely dysfunctional. What we have seen in our communities is something that can happen in any community. So yes, we should look at what has happened to the black segment of America as a warning of what is beginning to happen throughout the country as we are becoming more and more discaonnected from one another, from our extended families, and when we delegate the raising of our children en masse. Thanks for correcting me, by the way.

    I know I am way late responding to this, but I am spending less time online these days. Thanks agian for the support, EE. You’re the best.

  • http://neverlandranger.blogspot.com Chelsea

    I’m new to your blog and have to say, really am enjoying it. This particular blog I find refreshing. It’s nice to hear the other side of the spectrum on this issue. I am a stay-at-home mom for now, partly by choice (for the first year) and partly because I’m not a legal resident with working permits in this country. And while I am unbelievably grateful for the choice – and chance – to share in on the beginning of my son’s life, I do believe that going back to work will be much more beneficial for all of us in the long run. On the other side, I know being here is a priviledge that I will surely miss when it is gone. Thank you for your honesty! It’s a great thing to hear a mother speak freely about all sides of parenting possibilities.

  • http://ourmixedblessings.blogspot.com kayder1996

    Hopped over via Rage Against the Mini Van… I think your point is dead on: women need to stop comparing or judging or putting certain beliefs on pedastals. The bottom line is people need to do what is best for their family. From a Christian perspective, God calls us each to different things and there are many reasons he might call someone to stay at home and someone else to work. I just wrote a series of posts on this and other topics that tend to be Biblical grey areas, areas where the ideals become idols and the direction we take has the potential to divide. The link to my SAHM vs. workign moms post is http://ourmixedblessings.blogspot.com/2010/09/fellowship-of-motherhoodto-stay-at-home.html .
    Thanks for encouraging moms to consider the perspectives of other moms.

  • http://miraclesdontbreakthelawsofnature.blogspot.com/ beka

    wow, you made some awesome points.
    and about molly-coddling them? ohhhh boy.
    i love this post so much.

    great writing! keep it up; i’ve been reading post after post tonight!