Why Feminists Hate Fairy-Tales

The problem with being a literalist is that life is always messing with your tidy, buttoned-up narrative. This is true of both literalist believers and literalist secularists. Sometimes the glass slipper just doesn’t fit. But instead of re-examining their faulty ideology–or, at least, their staunch resistance to flexibility–literalists cast blame elsewhere and claim that the glass slipper not fitting is an exception to the rule.

This strident refusal to acknowledge their inflexibility is what often troubles me about the more radical forms of literalist feminism. By all measures, I’m a complete betrayal to the Feminist Sisterhood. I married young, I’m dependent on a man (a fate worse than death, apparently) and I have children–many children. I am not the role model radical feminists desire for their young daughters.

Why?

Because I don’t fit the tidy, buttoned-up narrative of the literalist feminist.

I didn’t put my career first. I didn’t “do” anything with my life before settling down with husband and children.

If I assert that I love this life I’m living, that I would never go back and make different choices, I’m handed a begrudging, “Well, I’m glad that works for you.” If I admit that sometimes I struggle with this life, this is seized upon as evidence that I’m oppressed.

I have these same problems with literalist believers. They have a a different worldview, of course, but their rigid adherence to the tidy, buttoned-up narrative is very much the same. In the literalist believers’ context, a woman who (cue horror music) has a job Outside The Home is not living up to her full God-ordained potential. Women like myself are not suitable role models the daughters of literalist believers.

If I assert that I love my writing job and furthermore, that I see it was a gift from God, I am handed a begrudging, “Well, I guess it’s possible that God could be OK with a working woman.” But if I admit to sometimes struggling with the work-life balance, this is seized upon as evidence of my rebellion against God’s will.

Another striking similarity among literalist secularists and literalist believers is their aversion to fairy-tales. Just look at The Little Mermaid. Feminists hate that Ariel gave up her voice for a man, literalist believers hate that Ariel rebels against her father. Feminists hate that Ariel has unrealistic body proportions, literalist believers hate that Ariel’s body proportions are visible. Period.

Literalists from both camps do their best to squelch their daughters’ desire to watch the movie or (God forbid!) dress up like princess Ariel.

For literalists, everything is taken So Seriously and weighted with such negative cultural or eternal consequences that it chokes the very joy out of life. In a literalist world there is no sparkle, no mystery, no magical possibilities. The problem here is that they’re not content to keep to themselves in their sad, dull little worlds. Instead, they spend every waking moment trying to convince the rest of us that the literalist way is superior. This is because the literalist can never be happy until they’ve won converts to their way of thinking.

It’s enough to make me wanna clamp some seashells on my boobs and go live under the sea–if only to get away from the endless proselytizing.

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  • http://www.sonlightblog.com Luke Holzmann

    That is a fascinating observation.

    ~Luke

  • Sharon

    But the same holds true for the not-feminists, lol! Try being the Catholic mother-of-many who doesn’t fit _their_ narrative. You’re met with exactly the same amount of rigidity and scolding and negativity. I don’t think the personality issues you’re talking about have anything to do with any particular brand of feminism. They’re personality issues, and you see the same mindset among all walks of life, ideologies, lifestyles, etc. I’ve been met with that same mindset from the traditional, religious stay-at-home crowd, too.

  • http://www.kathleenbasi.com Kathleen@so much to say

    Awesome! You know they say that when you go far enough right or far enough left, what you find there is identical. I.e. Hitler and Stalin.

    I spent quite a while puzzling over the work-at-home/stay-at-home/work out of the home divide, and it was really illuminating when a commenter pointed out that this obsession with SAHM’s who don’t do anything to contribute to the family income, aside from saving day care, is really a brand-new phenomenon. In ages past, women sewed or took in laundry or sold eggs, etc. That was a very affirming realization for me, as another write-from-home mom, who often feels like I’m doing the wrong thing by not spending every moment devoted to my children.

  • http://www.madamerubies.com Heather

    I also married young and am dependent on a man. Not what my mother wished for me, but it helps that she loves and trusts my husband (perhaps more than she loves and trusts me, LOL).

  • http://www.joyinthisjourney.com Joy

    So maybe I *should* let my daughter watch The Little Mermaid???? Then the two of us can join in with our clam-shell bras and our songs of dinglehoppers.

    In all seriousness, though, I have seen the exact same thing — literalists want everything to fit inside a very structured and specific framework. You’re either in or out, right or wrong, friend or enemy. There’s no flexibility, no shades of gray, no essay questions which consider your heart or your thought process… — it’s all true or false.

    The reality is that life is far too messy and complicated for that. But I suppose it’s easier to immediately classify someone as right or wrong than to take the time to listen and think critically about each unique individual and situation.

  • Tara Meghan

    I like you; you make me think of GK Chesterton. You share the funny, beautiful truth in a funny, beautiful way.

    I am with you; no literalist camp would be satisfied with how I live my life, because there is no tidy box in which it fits! But who needs their approval? The tidy, buttoned-up world-view is, by necessity and by definition, lacking and missing so much. I just want to give them hugs.

    Master Po, from Kung Fu: “Still you do not see. Which is truly the prisoner? The fly, which, moving freely, enters unknown danger? Or the spider, which having spun it’s web, remains? Never knowing the pleasure or the danger of the fly…”

  • http://felicemifa.wordpress.com felicemifa

    Oh I just love this post! I become so frustrated with the So Serious crowd, who imply that principles come before lived experiences. We live first, and then fit them in with principles (or more likely, realize that life is so messy that overarching principles are few and far between). If there’s anything fairy tales are good for it, they show that life is often complicated and messy (at least, they did before so many of them were sanitized).

    I have always considered myself a feminist, because I knew that I needed the freedom to do what I was called to rather than what the world said I “should” do. My situation – two careers, no kids, no man – doesn’t necessarily match anyone’s paradigm, but it is where my free conscience and prayer have led me, and I don’t have regrets. But I know that it is freedom, not ideology, that allows me to have my lifestyle, and you to have yours, and both of us to choose other things as life goes on.

    Beautiful beautiful beautiful. Amen amen amen.

  • Mara

    EE: “It’s enough to make me wanna clamp some seashells on my boobs and go live under the sea–if only to get away from the endless proselytizing.”

    If only we could figure out the breathing under water part.

  • http://terrybreathinggrace.wordpress.com terry@breathinggrace

    Very, very well-said, Elizabeth!

    You know when you and I agree 100%, it’s usually a cold day in Hades. But when you’re right, sister, you’re right.

    And you’re right.

  • KatR

    Fundamentalism doesn’t have anything to do with religion, really. You can apply it to anything.

    This reminds me of a Clint Eastwood quote. He said “Extremism is so easy. You’ve got your position, and that’s it. It doesn’t take much thought. And when you go far enough to the right you meet the same idiots coming around from the left.” SO true.

    • Cyndy

      As I was reading EE’s post I was thinking this very thing…only Clint said it so much better than I could have!

  • http://simply-rea.blogspot.com Rea

    Love the post, love the comments! So very, very true.

  • http://pastorleanne.wordpress.com Leanne

    Story of my life…too liberal for the conservatives and too conservative for the liberals. Life can be lonely when not squished into someone’s box, but I’d rather be free and lonely than squished and and superficially loved by any group!!!!

    • Maggie Dee

      That’s how I feel too. Sometimes it can get lonely, but I just can’t play that group game anymore.

    • Sharon

      Be good and you will be lonesome
      Be lonesome and you will be free
      Live a lie and you will live to regret it
      That’s what livin’ is to me ~Jimmy Buffett

      The first line is the inscription Twain wrote for Following The Equator.

      You’re in good company…

  • http://faithandfood.morizot.net/ Scott Morizot

    I read and loved Hans Christian Andersen when I was a child. The Steadfast Tin Soldier and The Little Mermaid were two of my favorites. Like the Brothers Grimm, his stories were a lot darker than their modern reboots. Which isn’t to say I didn’t enjoy the Disney version. I did and my daughter did. But I always had the thread of the original story running in the back of my head.

    Beyond that, I didn’t have many thoughts on the post. I have noticed that many different versions of the “Mommy Wars” (for lack of a better term) seem to continue to rage. You think they would die down at some point. I’m happy that the women in my life mostly have at least some freedom (as much as any of us, really) to choose the shape of the course of their lives — whatever that might be.

  • http://ainesahm.blogspot.com Canadian Anne

    Yep, been there and done that.
    I’ve always had this issue with the feminist camp: if it’s all about giving women choice between being at home and climbing the corporate ladder, then why do the ones who (ahem) choose to be at home get all the disdain and snottiness? I’ve never figured that one out.
    Also? The super literalists get my thumbs down. I’ve known some of them who felt that even my mom, after being widowed in her early 30′s with a 6 year-old and 2 year-old to raise, should never have gone into the work-force to support me and my brother. Yes, it’s true.

  • http://www.richardtgarner.com Rick Garner

    The morale of this story: we take ourselves WAY too seriously sometimes.

  • http://pursuingparenthood.blogspot.com Lisa

    I’ve never understood people who want to put everyone in a box. I grew up in a very “traditional” family, but my stay-home Mom exerted REAL power in discussions with my hard-working Dad, due probably to the fact that my Dad was raised in a family where they were taught respect for ALL points of view. I grew up hoping to someday be a wife and mother, and then entered the work force for many years after college before finding my husband, and then for more years still until we finally achieved our goal of parenthood through the unconventional means of adoption. Life didn’t pan out as I’d planned, but it didn’t make it any less valid or any less guided by God. Everyone has a different path. Everyone.

  • http://phariseefreed.blogspot.com/ Susan

    Nothing quite like making everyone mad, EE! LOL Way to go. As a former literalist, I hear this loudly and clearly.

  • Ann

    At some point either one decided to follow God or follow people. Seems impossible to do both. I used to get major static because I was the main support of our family bec my husband was ill and was told that I was being taken advantage of or that I was failing to trust God by not just quitting work (u can guess which side said which) yet none of the strict believists had an answer for but in doing it this way I am doing what my husband wishes (aka submission). Yet there are real standards itv is not all relative it is just that the standard is God’s word not my sisters (or brother’s ) opinion

  • Erin

    AMEN!!!

  • Jack

    Dear Elizabeth,

    You used the term “literalist feminists.” I’ve used a similar term: liberal bigot fundamentalists.

    And you’re right. Fundamentalists/literalists, whether on the left or right, are NEVER happy unless you think in lock-step with them.

  • Jack

    Part 2–closed too early.

    It’s like the slogan “Celebrate Diversity!”

    But they never say the end: As long as you’re just like everybody else.

  • http://blog.dg4kids.com Kathy Bright

    Saw you on Fox this morning and wish there had been more time for discussion! Helping our daughters discover all that God has for them is an amazing adventure and, dare I say it– loads of fun!!! I’m tired of people telling me that my life is not fun because I don’t choose to do the things they think are fun. Is it possible to put “fun” in a box? It could be that in establishing some healthy boundaries for our girls we create an environment where they can thrive beyond our hopes and dreams! Don’t be too hard on the church going people who are trying hard to do what’s best (misguided as it may sometimes be) for their kids. Very few of us wake up in the morning thinking, “I want to ruin my children today.” I think we would all do well to extend each other a bit of grace and try not to be too “literalist” about not being a “literalist”.
    One more thought, is it ever okay to be what you define as a “literalist”?

  • http://homesewersneedleworkersunion-hsnwu.blogspot.com/ Jane

    Well, I’ll interject here and stand very unapologetic, in Defense of the Literal Feminist, and here is why,

    it’s not about ‘fitting or not fitting’ into some non-literalistic fairy tale mode, that irritates so many Radfems [pro-sex and pro-porn fems/ not included here as I am Radfem] , no,

    the comparisons between the Religious literalistic and feminist literalistic beliefs are Also VERY different, for One, the Religious [including mainstream] is about the fitting into ‘prescribed patriarchal gender roles’, no matter HOW flexible they may be,

    where as, the Feminist literalistic view is From the REALITY of those prescribed roles, that are far way beyond not just fitting into some neat little career box… no, other than Privilege, [both in pro-sex/pro-porn feminism and religious 'white' feminism] lens,

    what Irritates the non-fairy tale status quo feminist IS the Reality of what they see, across the board, that Happens to REAL LIVE WOMEN, not Ariels and mermaids, who try to Live to these prescribed Gender patriarchal roles that leaves them

    raped and in countless shelters with Still a normalized/tolerance to Rape Culture-blame the victim and the male entitlement belief to the female SEX Class, in our world today, and those numbers are growing,

    prostitution [the Invention of Men, not the female harlot as religions have always claimed it, another 'way to go bro for not taking OWNERSHIP of that one], and trafficking of MILLIONS of women who

    in patriarchal countries have non-human status, poverty [80%, not 10, but 80% of the poorest of poor ARE WOMEN, in patriarchal societies, and no they Don't eat fish under the sea nor do Ravens feed them in deserts],

    domestic violence [higher in Religious homes, yea might want to get that pretty prince to lighten up there on ole Cinderella or did she move IN her step-sisters?],

    FGM’s, fistula disease, maternal deaths in childbirth [high in countries but oh, they are non-white, oops sorry, they don't fit into that fairy tale box], Gendercide, from rapes/torture in Juarez to South America to Honduras to India to Middle East to Africa to Afghanistan to the Congo, of course fairy tale princess has her blood diamonds, blood cell phone minerals and clothes to boot from those Female slaves in sweatshops and worse,

    so NO, Feminists are radical in their stance against Fairy Tales NOT because of some liberal privilege Warping of career to stay at home or not [a white middle class debate BTW] oh no,

    they are Livid at the lies still being perpetuated that are

    KILLING WOMEN.

    KILLING WOMEN…with impunity,

    big dang difference, from Their hostility to the fairy tale, and the religious PATRIARCH who only objects to fairy tales because they show a bit of rebellion or a breast shot here and there…

    if Anything, fairy tales and Patriarchy, go hand in hand, and Both

    KILL WOMEN.

    enough said

    Jane

    • KatR

      This reminds me of my Womens Studies class in college, where I was told that I was oppressed, and the reason that I didn’t think that I was oppressed was that I was too oppressed to know that I was oppressed.

      • Denise

        I agree! :-)

    • Jack

      You complained about “patriarchal gender roles”–a stereotype and cliche if there ever was one.

      Are MATRIARCHAL gender roles intrinsically better?

  • Valerie

    So true! I always thought the main point of feminism was that it gave women the freedom and right to choose? Be a mummy? Sure! Marry young? Don’t marry? Have kids? Whatever!

    Of course, when we know God we allow Him to direct our lives, and the plans He has are beautiful. We christians make it so hard for ourselves. I guess rules are easier than relationship. It is harder to seek God and be sure that He will show the way than to follow a set of man-made rules that promise ‘good’ kids or strong morals etc. It is all about the heart….

  • Katie

    I have suffered from an eating disorder for the vast majority of my life, partially as a result of the lack of body diversity in the pop culture (especially “Disney princess” type stuff, which I absolutely LOVED as a kid and had a MAJOR influence in my life). In addition, it has taken me years to un-learn the damaging stereotypes about femininity that I picked up from them (e.g. women should not be too smart, my physical attractiveness dictates my worth, etc.)

    I don’t understand the absolute insistence on conflating radical feminism with religious intolerance. One is about oppressing women, and the other is about liberating women.

    And I really resent the fact that when people like me speak about the actual damage that “Disney princesses” and other fairy tales have actually done in our actual lives it gets dismissed as bad-faith literalism of the same type as religious intolerance.

    Maybe it would help for you to spend more time listening to the radical feminists and less time setting up straw-women to shoot down.

    • Denise

      Radical feminism isn’t about liberating women—it’s about forcing new roles, not about eliminating judgement on the choices each of us make. If my husband WANTS me to stay home and care for our home and family, that’s ‘bad’. If *I* want to stay home, then I’m oppressed and don’t know any better, or worse, I’m too stupid to want to work outside the house.

      • Katie

        as a radical feminist, I think I can define what it is for me, thank you.

        Also, saying, “you’re oppressed” =/= actually oppressing you (or “forcing new roles”).

        Radical feminists have no social power at all. It is ridiculous the amount of energy that goes into demonizing us and saying things about us that isn’t true. Why not just ignore this tiny, tiny minority if you disagree so much? Why claim we’re something we’re not, making it sound like we have some huge power over your life. We don’t.

        Truly mind-boggling.

  • http://deodate.wordpress.com/ Andie

    Elizabeth, I’m new to your blog, but I really like it and can’t wait to explore more of your posts. This one is great. I love the line, ‘In a literalist world there is no sparkle, no mystery, no magical possibilities’. I guess we wouldn’t put them in the ‘mystic’ category, would we?
    Andie

  • http://queenlucythevaliant.blogspot.com/ Lucy The Valiant

    I read here every day, and this is my favorite post that you’ve written EVER. Love it!

  • Karen P.

    Agree with Lucy….this is up there as one of my favorites too! I grew up a midwest small town Catholic girl, and didn’t really realize what a literal feminist was until I had a college professor tell me she’d never let her daughter watch “The Little Mermaid” because of the “message” it sends to little girls that they need a M-A-N to be happy and satisfied. I thought to myself, “Gee whiz, lady. Lighten up. It’s a fairy tale.”

    Last night, my five-year-old wore her Little Mermaid jammies to sleep in her Disney themed room, keeping warm under her Little Mermaid comforter. In the next room was her older teenage sister who knows full well by now that she doesn’t NEED a boyfriend to make her happy. She decided long ago what she wants to do in life, and while it will likely include a husband and family….it’s not a thought-process forced upon her by watching Disney movies.

  • http://www.homeschooljourney.blogspot.com Misty

    ::applause:: I love your blog! It is my favorite.

  • Caryl

    Love it.

  • Margaret

    Love it EE.

    Don’t let anyone box you in. Including feminists.

    I’ve had the same experience. It’s totally fascinating.

  • http://www.somuchshoutingsomuchlaughter.com suzannah @ShoutLaughLove

    do literalist believers really hate that Ariel rebels against her father? i never even considered reading into it like that!

    bring on the sparkle and mystery–and permission to make our own choices! isn’t feminism about choice and faith about mystery anyway?

  • Katharine

    Thanks for the post, I needed it! Been taking myself way too seriously lately… still not letting my daughters dress like Ariel though!

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