To Bikini or Not to Bikini—THAT is the question, yo!

You married a very wise man. Are you compiling a gift size book of his wise quips? I’ll buy a copy.

In my house we called it the “no BS” rule. No bellies showing, No boobies showing (including cleavage), no bums/buttocks showing, and in other non-bathing outfits, no bras showing either. It helped that I counterbalanced this “tough” rule with a generous summer wardrobe allowance in other areas, for example, like accessorizing with cute sandals/bags/sunglasses/cover-ups/beach gear, etc while being very strident in this rule.

This is an issue that has plagued me. My daughter is also 11. We made the decision for no bikinis or 2 piece suits when she was a baby – and I’d see lots of 1 year olds at the pool in 2 piece suits. We also instituted no spaghetti straps. My thinking was that when she was little it was cute, but how could I then say later – that’s not appropriate now? I felt it would be easier to let up than to reign in. We bought her first tankini 2 years ago and she didn’t like it as much as she thought she would. She’s very long waisted and it kept coming up. We just bought one this year and I hesitated because she looks quite grown up in it. She’s already 5’1″ and “developing”. My husband and I have talked this over many times about modesty and appropriateness. I am starting to let up a little, but I am sticking to the rule that “no bra straps” and no butt cheeks should show. She’s a little heavy right now as we wait for puberty to hit (it runs early in my family), and I’m trying to teach her the best I can about modesty and respect for yourself. Growing up super strict (I wasn’t allowed to go swimming with boys or wear pants or make up, etc.), she certainly has it MUCH “looser” than I did – but she still has to deal with what she sees as strict compared to her friends. It’s a journey of discovery for both of us. I pray a lot for wisdom.

Good discussion! I think I’m going to be in the vast minority here, but I’ll offer up my opinion anyway. ::deep breath::

I was raised in a home with very strict standards of modesty… and I hated those standards. They weren’t mine. They weren’t even my parents’ really… They were the standards taught to them in seminars and conservative publications, and my parents in turn passed them down to me along with the concept that showing body shape was inciting lust.

However (and I think I’ve commented about this on your blog before), my absurd, baggy bathing suits garnered far more attention than my friends’ normal two-pieces did, and I wanted more than anything to stop standing out by covering up so much. As soon as I could, I spent my babysitting money on a secret halter two-piece that I wore away from home, and I can tell you these three things:
- Wearing it did not turn me into a slut (I believe how a girl carries herself has far more impact than what clothes she is wearing),
- The attention I had been getting over my swim attire decreased dramatically, and
- I slowly began to realize that bathing suit style wasn’t such a big deal after all… to the point that I felt confident and happy reverting back to a one-piece when I went away to college.

Now that I have young daughters, I do my best not to make a big deal about bodies one way or the other. Since we live in Italy where women exclusively wear bikinis (if not less), we all wear two-pieces to the beach. We don’t show off, we don’t stand out, and my conscience is at peace with the arrangement. If we lived in a different country, we might want to revise our wardrobe based on cultural sensitivity, but I don’t think I’ll ever be comfortable with the notion that allowing a child to wear a bikini is sexualizing her. (I don’t want to offend anyone with this statement, but if you look at a ten-year-old at the beach and immediately start thinking about sex, you need to have a long, hard look inside your own head.)

Any tips for you? Go with your husband’s great advice. Continue focusing on your relationship with your daughter (maybe even being open to a compromise with her). And last but certainly not least, stay far, far away from clown-inspired swimwear.

I don’t mean to offend anyone who disagrees, but I don’t think ANYONE should wear a bikini, regardless of age. There is no way a bikini can be modest, and we are supposed to be modest at all times. It is as simple as that. So, I think if it were my daughter, I would leave her age out of it and focus on modesty, chastity, respect, etc.

But then again, I only have an eight month old son. Thank goodness!

I love the ‘context of relationship’ comment, and to add ‘my relationship with you is precious and I don’t want someone looking at you in a wrong way’. And you are not old enough… the answer is no.
Don’t ask me again.
From an older ‘grandma’ my own daughter did not wear bikini’s till she was out of my house. At that point I had no control, with her three girls now she says “NO”.

I have a 10 year old who looks 14—5’3, 34B on top. She has never worn a bikini, though a tankini is okay. Honestly, many tankinis cover more than the one-pieces out there.
Most of our teaching has focused on self-respect; that while wearing a revealing garment (of any kind) may not indicate what your true self is like, it gives an impression to other people. Sort of like the book/cover thing—it may not be accurate in how good the text is, but it usually tells what type of story it is.

Our focus with our girls on modesty has been that “this we do for the good of our brothers in Christ” if for no other reason…

We’re passionate about this subject because of the number of Christian men and teens my husband (a licensed counselor for more than a decade) has counseled with addictions and issues who are torn up over the fact that they there is NO “safe place” for them to let down their guard – not even church or Bible studies! (And they are from all walks of life and even hold all types of “positions” within our churches; no man, young or old, is necessarily exempt from the temptations.)

Since our girls are on the young side (I have 2 tweens: 9.5 and 12), and they are *girls* (even at 40 I don’t understand the male brain and how it is wired in this way!), we have explained it to them in terms of Rita’s custard, which they adore, but can no longer eat since we went gluten free several months ago…We talk about how awful it would be if *everywhere* they went there were people eating Rita’s custard when they knew they could not have it and were trying not to think about it. But everywhere they went, there it was: the grocery store, the neighborhood, the post office, the library (yeah, boring lives here), the pool – *especially* the pool – people eating Rita’s custard Then they thought, well surely the one safe place I can go without having to think about custard – which is good, because I want my focus to be on *God* – is worship on Sunday morning…but, no, they walk in and there a third of the fellowship is eating Rita’s custard. And the people eat it at Bible study, and Youth Group, and, and, and…

Until lately, we have been going by “instinct” and my husband’s discretion in choosing/allowing the girls to choose clothes – developed in part by the frustrations he has heard in numerous counseling sessions and groups for years and which clothes are most troubling to his clients. And we started very young. I have felt it would always be easier – in every aspect of parenting – to ease up on limits, etc. as my girls mature than it would be to start towing the line more and more…if necessary. I wasn’t necessarily concerned about my 3, 6, or 8 year old being a stumbling block; I was concerned with establishing patterns and habits.

I recently came across a survey done (superbly) by The Rebelution (Google “rebelution modesty survey”) in 2007 which had over 1,600 respondents – Christian teens, young men, and men. If you do Google it, be sure to read the explanation for how to interpret the results and how exactly it works…at first glance it may seem to contradict itself.

It’s a treasure trove in terms of helping my daughters (and me) understand the male mind, and I expect we will refer back to it often. It’s definitely nothing to get legalistic about or to use as a strict measuring stick! But it gives us a place to check our thoughts against those of the very people we are trying to serve in our modest dress.

For instance, while a part of me hesitated a little when my oldest wanted a shrug, I thought perhaps I was being too strict. But my husband’s eyes about popped out of his head when he saw her out of the house in one for the first time. His solution at the time (while we were out) was that she needed to tie it more loosely. Seeing the survey, I understand a little better.

Nearly 60% of the respondents agreed (respondents answering “agree” or “agree strongly”) that shrugs draw too much attention to the bust…that’s a pretty big number. So of the five guys in her Sunday School class, she might be hindering 3 out of 5 of them. If I put in the perspective of which 3 of them don’t I care about – with faces on the numbers – it makes it more real to me!

It would be *wonderful* if both of my girls desired to dress “modestly” because it was in their heart to do so. But quite frankly, I don’t think they even really “get it”, and may not for several years yet, what our clothes say about us, etc., etc… I think they’ll both get there eventually. But honestly, I didn’t start following Christ until I was 20 and it was still many years after that before I *understood* the call to modesty. Now I grieve for times I may have been a stumbling block to my brothers in Christ, knowing what I know.

I’ve heard parent after parent say that unless it’s in a girl’s own heart to dress modestly, it is pointless to argue over it..I couldn’t disagree more strongly.

Inasmuch as the clothes are a factor in their own hearts, yes, as I stated above.

But we set the standard in our home that we don’t knowingly become stumbling blocks to others. As a rule, we’d never offer a glass of wine to an alcoholic. We don’t put in reach of our children things we don’t want them reading or seeing (yet – as they are still children). And we aren’t letting them leave the house wearing clothes that will unduly tempt the young ( and older) men we love. (And my twelve year old is developing to the point she could certainly be a stumbling block.) (Yes, the girls could always change their clothes when they leave the house and we can’t stop them…but there will be consequences when we find out. (so long as they live under our roof (and aren’t paying rent))

While we’ve always had a “no bikini” rule, now we can point to the survey in which 84.3 percent of some 1600 Christian men – young and old – stated they agreed a bikini is immodest.

It *is* all about relationship – but it is about more than just the parent/child relationship. It is also about our relationship with God and what He asks of us in our relationships to and with our brothers and sisters in Him!

Hmmm, I guess I’ve come to see this kind of differently, and it’s a topic I’ve wrestled with a lot. This is where I’m at right now: what if modesty is less a Christian/religious/purity issue and more a matter of cultural appropriateness and personal comfort/style?

I see way more bikinis (on people of all ages and sizes) when I’m at CA and Florida beaches than the Midwest swimming pool. A friend who lived in Brazil says her American bikini was modest by comparison there, and I imagine that if I lived in the Middle East, I would gladly order up something closer to burkini. When I’m pregnant, I feel more comfortable in a tankini than my now usual bikini. A skin tight suit, whether it comes with no belly, one inch of belly, or 7 inches is pretty much the same thing in my mind.

After much cajoling by my husband, a bikini has been my suit of choice for a while (in place of the one piece + shorts of our youth). My girls (only 8 and 5) have worn a whole variety of swimsuits – including tankinis, bikinis, and a one piece that the older one chose for comfort last summer. Yeah, it took a little time to get used to my skin and theirs showing a bit more, but really, it’s fairly normal in our culture.

The one thing I try to model and communicate to my girls so far is that certain clothes fit certain occasions – so dress nicer and with more coverage for school than you would for the beach or mud puddle (and then pick something that looks nice on you and is comfortable). But then far more importantly than that, it’s what is coming out of our hearts that matters a lot more than what we’re wearing – no matter how many pieces it comes in or how long the hem is, maybe? Some of the most Jesus-like friends I have are dedicated bikini-wearers, so go figure…

I’m not a parent, but I’ve been parented…and from that perspective allow me to beg of you: whatever you do, whatever decision you make, please: explain to her the “why” behind it. Perhaps you’re planning to do so in any case?…I just know from experience that when you don’t know the “why” behind a rule, sooner or later, when you start the normal questioning-of-everything-you’ve-ever-been-taught, if there isn’t a good reason for something, it can seem arbitrary and is easily kicked to the curb. Now, if the rule is overly strict/ridiculous, that’s one thing. But if you don’t grow up with any context for anything, you probably have no skills for determining the difference between the ridiculous ones and the good ones. But–you may already know all this from your own experience. Just had to speak my piece.

we are currently having this discussion as well . I go with the “i do not want your sensitive tummy skin to be sunburned”…I did find some cute tankini’s that top meets bottom and allow those for at home swimming (however, they know that when they get out of the pool to jump on neighbor’s trampoline they need shorts/coverup) …then, I tell the story of how at a waterpark i nearly lost the bottom part of my bathing suit…NOT practical. So far they laugh and agree. (I came from a “the devil wears a bikini” background so I have to sort out the ridiculous extreme) So very true about the relationship being most important ☺ .

Elizabeth,

This is a toughie for me. I actually think tanks, spagetti straps, 2 piece bathing suits, halter tops ARE for little girls. When I was a little girl kids were not sexualized and objectified the way they are now. I think all those articles of clothing are scarier when they’re on 15, 16, 17 year old girls because they have usually developed. I think it’s perfectly normal for a 16 yo to wear a bikini to a swimming pool but the problem is, they wear them everywhere BUT the beach or swimming pool. That’s all. This is a great topic. I always thought 2 piece bathing suits were so uncomfortable and since I had nothing up top, they slid all over the place. Besides that, I’m white as a ghost and had no business exposing my skin that way.

I have three daughters. my oldest is 17. so i’ve had a little experience with this. *wry smile* it’s not fun AT ALL. i will say that. I do not allow bikinis for my younger girls. (and for the record, 11 is too young imo) you must set those limits for as long as you can. Now my oldest is 17. we set the same limits and talked ad nauseam about modesty. let’s face it, sometimes they just don’t *get* that. it takes time and maturity for them to understand that they need to be cautious of their body. My daughter is 17 and very very mature and modest, but she still looks stylish and still gives extra though in how she presents herself but yet she *still does not completely get it*. so there will be fights and arguements and conversations that might not always go the way you want them to, and vice versa, but the main thing is to just keep the conversation going, have some basic guidelines without being overly strict. For example i let my 10 and 9 year old girls wear modest tankinis, but i would never let them wear a skimpy bikini. my 17 year old wears a bikini, but it has coverage and is also not skimpy. (such a fine line, that even I have to toe the line sometimes and give more on my part for the sake of our relationship) I will say now after all these years of bathing suit shopping with my oldest, I am proud of her choices and the way she dresses herself without my guidance. and we are still friends!

I know a parent who doesn’t let her daughter wear a bikini at the beach, but she lets her wear mini-skirts and tank tops to school. I think Moms have it hard, trying to figure all this out.

I don’t have kids, but even when I didn’t care about modesty, I didn’t feel thin enough to wear a bikini myself. (I wasn’t overweight by any standards, but all my friends were thinner, taller and tanner. I felt like a white blob in comparison, blinding the dolphins with my fluorescent flabbiness. But body image issues are probably covered in your other posts…)

As someone who is 44, I notice that beachwear isn’t necessarily less modest. The bigger change is that what used to pass as beachwear and/or undergarments is now seen in supermarkets, at jobs and even at church. For example, those form-fitting spaghetti strap tanks tops used to be called camisoles and you just wore them under your shirt. Even during the days of Madonna, you wouldn’t wear those tops to the mall or work, just to a club or party. I’m not saying our standards right or wrong; we also wore acid-washed jeans, so we weren’t experts on fashion.

Then there’s flip flops. They used to be what you’d wear to the beach, around the house or in the grungy shower at the gym. Now people wear them to work. Even guys wear them. In the eighties, if a guy wore flip flops, he might as well have been wearing bunny slippers, it would have been seen as that unusual.

By the way, I wear flip flops out of the house too, I’m just commenting on how quickly things have changed, and I’m not even that old. (I don’t do the spaghetti strap tanks, because they tend to be clingy and low-cut, and I’m a 34C. It would just make me too self-conscious.)

I guess I sound like an old lady…in my day, you walked ten miles to school in the snow without flip flops or tank tops and you liked it! Or something like that…

I don’t have any answers, but I do think it’s not just a cultural thing, but a generational thing too. Another factor is that, if you just look around, girls in general seem to be physically maturing much faster than they used to, which means moms have to prepare for these conversations earlier. I give you a lot of credit, it can’t be easy.

I have been thinking a lot about this thread recently. It is sad that an issue like modesty divides fellow Christians. But sin will always be around right? I understand those that don’t want girls to get a negative image of their bodies, that’s not right. We were created in the image and likeness of God after all. I think that is the best way to approach modesty- does this outfit proclaim to all the world that you are a daughter of God?? Look at the focal point of the shirt or the swimsuit- what is it designed to draw the eyes to? Because one part of our bodies does not represent the whole person. We have a saying in our house that if I don’t like an outfit in the store that is asked for I just say “I don’t think that outfit understands the truth and dignity of the human person.” And then we come home and talk about what that means. My kids are little still- 9, 7, and younger. But that’s a better way to go than saying “No, that little miniskirt and tube top make you look like a hooker.” As girls and boys turn into young women and men and start to “get” more of the facts of life I think it is appropriate to clue them into the fact that men and women have different struggles against sin. Thus, men need to use coustody of the eyes and girls need to be mindful of their outfits (a lot more goes into chastity too!). I would also explain to my daughters, like my mom did, that for men trying to live chastity clothes that emphasize the parts of the body that are most arousing can be uncharitable. Does that mean that men get off the hook for lustful thoughts? HELL NO. I just think it is grossly unfair to answer the comments about helping men out with “EWWW…guys shouldn’t be perverts.” If only it was that easy. We’re all struggling with sin- just with different types. That’s my 2 cents after a bit more reflection.

There are actually some very modest tankinis, particularly the ones with boy shorts or skirted bottoms.

I think a person can meld appreciation for a beautiful God-made body with covering it up for the sake of modesty. It doesn’t have to be about shame. It can be about how you use that gift of your beautiful body, what you say with it, and who you choose to reveal it to.

My body issues had nothing to do with modesty, though I grew up in and around groups that were pretty strict about it. The person who changed my attitude towards myself was my husband. And I didn’t need to change my mode of dress or wear a bikini in public. I needed to hear “You are beautiful” from the one who saw me at my most vulnerable and at my worst and consistently demonstrated his appreciation for me, all of me, including my fat, flawed body every day that we’ve been married.

Your husband is right, it is about relationship. Whether you allow bikinis or ban them, your daughter’s feelings about herself aren’t going to rise from your restrictions or leniencies.

Honestly? I don’t really seem what the problem with bikinis is. I mean, obviously if your daughter doesn’t have “anything up top”, she shouldn’t be wearing it. It just looks awkward. And the bikini should not make your child look like she might as well be skinny dipping. One pieces are really quite unflattering to a girls the ages of twelve and above, and that can cause plenty of issues later. They can develop a nasty lack of self esteem if they’re unlucky. In my opinion, you shouldn’t care so much about the belly. Really, what’s sexual about someone’s abdomen?
So I make sure their tops don’t show cleavage and don’t look like they might have a little slip sometime, and I make sure their bottoms are anything but a bikini bottom. They can wear shorts instead, which have more coverage than a one piece, and, in my opinion, are much more flattering than a bikini bottom anyway. Why worry about coverage in non-sexual places and not in the most sexual place on their body? So don’t let them wear skimpy swimwear, but let them wear something flattering. Which is most assuredly NOT a one piece.