But I don’t WANT children! (is this an acceptable Christian view?)

Posted on July 10, 2011 by elizabeth

“Mom, did you want to have five kids?” my oldest son asked me the other day. We were in the car, driving home from an awesome afternoon at the beach. I’m not sure what prompted his question, but I was glad both myself and my husband were in the car to answer it.

“In the beginning, we didn’t know what we wanted,” my husband said. “We just knew we wanted what the Lord wanted to give us.”

“We trusted God and placed our hope in Him,” I added. Because having children is always a radical act of hope.

I’ll never forget several months after I had my first baby and an older, Godly woman asked me when I was having more (by the way, people never stop asking “Are You Having More?” I’ve just gotten better at answering!).

“Only one more!” I announced. “I don’t want a big family!”

She smiled at me and said very quietly, “Don’t hinder God from giving you the blessings He wants to bless you with.”

I was incensed. How dare she? This is my body! This is my life! This is my womb! I have a right to birth control!

And yet, I couldn’t deny the priceless gift of the daughter I held in my arms. She had cracked open my heart in ways I could have never imagined. The love I felt was vaster than anything I had ever experienced. In fact, witnessing my husband’s unconditional love for our children helped me begin to understand God the Father’s unconditional love for me.

When the Lord gave me a second baby, my heart was opened even wider. That’s when I learned the heart has an infinite capacity to love. How could I deny God blessing me with children when what that really meant was His desire to bestow love, love and more love upon me?

Our third child was conceived during a very difficult time in our lives. In fact, it was the darkest time I’ve ever experienced in my life. By all measures, it was a terribly inconvenient time to become pregnant. The day I saw the positive pregnancy test, I wept.

We named that child Jude and it was only later that I discovered St. Jude is the patron saint of desperate, lost causes. I now see the undeniable, loving hand of God intervening in a most difficult, desperate time in my life to give me the precious gift of a child–even though I didn’t understand it at the time. My son Jude brought a Providential beam of sunshine into my life at exactly the right time.

I had always known and believed that one of the primary purposes of Christian marriage is to be fruitful and multiply, to raise a Godly seed. It was after the birth of Jude that I began researching this even further–especially as I began receiving critical comments from other Christians about whether I was “done” having children.

How had so many Christians adopted the secularist view of children; ie. that they are optional or even unnecessary to a Christian marriage? I was dismayed to discover that almost every single Christian denomination had compromised the historical understanding of Christian marriage.

Christianity has never viewed the intentionally barren marriage as an acceptable option for Christian couples. Certainly it’s permissible for parents to space their children or delay childbearing for a variety of serious medical and economic reasons–but that is quite different from choosing NOT to have children simply because a couple doesn’t “want” children.

Even if a couple is infertile, caring for abandoned, orphaned or fatherless children is one of the purest ways a Christian lives out his/her faith.

God did not give us the gift of sex merely for pleasure. Sex is the most powerful creative force given to humans by which we cooperate with God in the creation of eternal souls. To say that sex is simply recreational is to degrade and deny its eternal significance (paragraphs 2366-2373, specifically).

For Christians, then, our guiding principle ought to be shaped by how Scripture views children: as a priceless gift from God. Scripture consistently views children as an heritage from the Lord, as a reward from God, as an unequivocal blessing. This is not to say that the small family or the infertile couple is NOT blessed by God, it is simply to state that a fruitful family has been blessed.

This belief is in direct contrast to our society’s prevalent view of sex: ie., that it is primarily for pleasure. In this view, children (the natural result of sex!) are seen as inconvenient/optional “side-effects.” Abortion, sterilization and intentional childlessness are more readily justifiable when you have the children-as-side-effects mentality.

God gave me the gift of twins right after I accepted, in obedience, the Scriptural view of children.

I call that a double blessing!

*Disclaimers: 1. I am speaking about general guiding principles NOT specific, individual exceptions; 2. You may have a valid exception. Awesome. Rock on. 3. Quivers come in different sizes, yo. 4. Yes, I have seen how these general guiding principles can be misapplied. However, misapplication and/or changing cultural trends, views, mores, etc. etc. do not invalidate Scriptural principles, vis-a-vis “Children are a gift from God,”; 6. I’m just a chick with a blog. I’m not the Pope (I just agree with the Pope). Now, go do your own research because I need an aspirin!!! Phew!!!*


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  • http://www.americannaussie.katyannewilson.com Katy-Anne

    I agree with you. Except that right now I’m getting the PPD and the milk…and the baby is still in the belly…

    • Tara S

      That happens to me EVERY time! I’m only 12 weeks along with #3, and already the with the anxiety, the paranoid obsessiveness about my kids’ safety, the intermittent looming despair. Hormones really do mess with a person’s brain! :-)

  • HippieGramma

    “Christianity has never viewed the intentionally barren marriage as an acceptable option for Christian couples.” Then Christianity is and has been wrong, imo, and needs to take a step back out of my bedroom.

    We’ve gone back and forth on this subject before. I have more than the average amoung of children, I love large families, and yet I don’t at all see this as a God issue, or Christian issue, or mandate from the Lord.

    We’re all wired differently, and if two Christians get married and decide children are not for them, I don’t believe God weeps. Honestly I doubt he even notices, or THEY’D notice. HE designed them that way, right? He saw all the factors in their lives that led up to that decision, and had at least a small hand in putting them there. If he wanted everyone to do the same things in life, he’d have designed us all to look and need and want exactly the same.

    Call me a hippie (ha! I already did!) but I thought we’d had and won the battle with the church over family planning decades ago. Interesting and maybe a little scary how things come around again.

    And, on a mostly unrelated note, interesting how family planning and “be fruitful and multiple” is getting such wide play again, near the same time that “wives, submit” is gaining momentum in conservative sectors. As policies, it’s probably hard to have the first without the second, but for us mamas who love babies, it’s probably easier to get our cooperation for the second when they’ve declared support for the first. I don’t see you in particular as a submissive doormouse, EE, but in the wider Christian community, in your opinion, is there a connection between the two?

    • http://www.elizabethesther.com elizabeth

      I’ve actually seen the opposite situation at work: wives who would LOVE to have children and husbands who are reluctant/unwilling to have any. I can’t tell you how many women have come up to me and said they wanted a bigger family but their husbands absolutely refused, wives whose husbands ran out and got vasectomies without even consulting them, wives who have waited years and years and YEARS for their husbands to be “ready” for children. So, no, I don’t think there’s a connection.

      • Donna

        I thought I was done at 3 children, then God put an intense desire in my heart for another. My husband was adamant we were still done at 3… it took a LOT of praying (9mths, funnily enough!) and trying very hard not to nag before my husband conceded that maybe we could try for one more – we now have 4 children :) He got a vascectomy when this last baby was 3mths old – with my reluctant consent.
        I’ve also met lots of women who wanted more children but whose husbands refused… and very, very few husbands who wanted more children than their wives.

        • HippieGramma

          I was speaking more about societal (or conservative Christian societal) norms, not individuals. If patriarchal society wants women in a subservient role, or out of competition with men in the workforce, the spiritual realm, etc., how do its leaders convince — or entice — the women to go that route?

          Certainly increasing her number of offspring, and especially eliminating planning of said offspring, limits her economic choices and keeps her tied more closely to home. Okay, that may be a little conspiracy-minded, but on the other hand, it’s not surprising that patriarchy often flourishes in those conditions. Which is why I’m suspicious when patriarchs make pronouncements regarding family planning.

          But this is all mostly a tangent. In my world it is almost always the men who don’t want more children also.

  • Anna

    I don’t know. Family planning is such a gray area, and it’s SO subjective. I think that people are within their rights to not want children, and given the Bible’s views on married vs. unmarried sex I think I would rather someone get married and enjoy what was created by God to be a benefit of marriage rather than choose not to marry because they don’t want children and have sex outside of marriage. If that makes sense.

    Something else I think about re: married sex is its purpose. Sure, it’s not meant to be recreational, but I think God had a larger scope in its creation than simply making more people. Married folks don’t have sex just to make babies — sex fulfills emotional and physical needs as well and is a pretty literal translation of that “two become one” stuff. I know my husband and I enjoyed sex a LOT more when we weren’t aiming for those two pink lines.

    Ultimately the thing for me is a little flameworthy (and it might come off a skosh judgy, for which I apologize in advance), but it’s been on my mind recently as I’ve been researching the RCC’s views on various topics. I think the kicker to me is how the couple chooses to prevent or space out their kids. The hormonal birth control/sanctity of life argument has been around for a while, and I think it applies here — sometimes the best gift a person can receive is something they didn’t know they even wanted. I believe that God gave women a tool for family planning by giving us fertility cycles (otherwise we’d be fertile all the time like men), and my husband and I were able to wait to have children until we got on our feet by practicing NFP until we were ready to TTC. I know there are people who might even frown upon natural methods of family planning, but for us it worked — without all the awful side effects of hormonal birth control, too.

    Just my two cents. :)

    • http://www.kathleenbasi.com Kathleen@so much to say

      Your first paragraph illustrates that our societal view of sexuality is fundamentally broken. I don’t think EE is suggesting that everyone should have 5 kids, and I’m very glad you’ve used NFP to plan your family. But think how much healthier the world would be if people DID view all the various meanings of sex as a holistic unit, as part and parcel of the total human package. If we respected each other as beautifully-made creations, packed with the wonder of being ABLE to conceive children, and recognized that the differences in the way men and women look at life are healthy and complementary, instead of using them as wedges between the sexes–just imagine how much better a world it would be. The implications are far beyond family size.

      • Anna

        I agree with this — especially what you said about sex being part and parcel of the whole human package. It seems like so much of the world’s hurt and brokenness is related to sex being reduced to something much less than it really is, and it’s sad because it’s one of the most beautiful things God created to be shared between two people.

        I’m admittedly still chasing my tail on the topic — it’s hard for me to sift out what my views (and desires) are versus what I’ve heard over time from the world around me and society at large. It seems like so much of the socially acceptable norm is 1-3 children and I felt that way for a long time, but it occurred to me recently that it’s something I accepted without much thought. More than once, I’ve looked down at my big ol’ baby belly and thought ‘really? society only wants me to do this one or two more times? But it’s so MAGICAL.’ Whereas before I got pregnant I was totally okay with the idea of ‘one and done’. Who knows, before it’s all over H and I could end up with 6… However, he grew up in a much more conservative environment than I did, and a part of me is really afraid that he’ll put the kabosh on any more than three because of the old “what will people THINK” and “but how will we afford them all??!” arguments. But he was originally completely freaked out at the concept of NFP (…and attachment parenting, and lord knows what else he’ll clutch his proverbial pearls in horror over…) and has since not only come around, but has become hugely supportive and a big source of encouragement for other couples considering those things. So maybe one day he /will/ come around and I’ll have a yard full of babies. Or maybe not.

        Ultimately, I would love to be directed to more reading on the topic in general. I don’t really know who I can talk to about it, and would like something to read up on that could maybe counterbalance what I’ve heard from the world (even in the church I grew up in!) for so long.

  • KatR

    I know that you are a great mom, Elizabeth, and that your heart opened to receive all of your kids, even when they were born into difficult circumstances. I think that you believe though (and you can correct me if I’m wrong) that people who don’t want kids will nevertheless grow to love them once they come along. That doesn’t always happen. Parents who don’t want kids before they are born can still not want them after they are born. And a home with parents who are grudgingly being parents, and kids who can’t figure out what they did wrong, doesn’t seem like much of a blessing from God to me.

    • http://www.amberpeace.com Amber-Lee

      As someone from an abusive family and who worked in a girl’s group home, I completely agree. There are too many people who never ever ever ever EVER need to be parents. Ever.

    • http://www.elizabethesther.com elizabeth

      It’s a tragic reality of our fallen world that children are born into less than ideal circumstances. However, I still think this is an example of using an exception to create a general, guiding principle. I’m not naive enough to think that every child will be born into a perfect situation and that their parents will grow to love them. But I still do believe that EVERY CHILD is a gift, every child deserves a chance to live. And as I’m able, I would LOVE to help these children personally!!

      • KP

        I respect and admire your genuine compassion for those children, Elizabeth, but I think your response (i.e., they are an exception to the rule) belies the enormity of just how many children are in this situation, in the US and worldwide. I don’t think the RCC’s position on fruitfulness (or any church’s, for that matter) is the sole or root cause of all unwanted pregnancies or neglected children, but it certainly fuels the fire.

        I am proud that I attend a church that recognizes the blessedness of marriage regardless of the intention to bear children. And I am proud to know two people who are very dear to me who made a decision to not have children that they credit as having allowed them to fight for their marriage (coming up on 30 years) in ways they know they would not have had the strength to do, had they been raising children. They are, moreover, a WONDERFUL aunt and uncle – unconditionally supportive and caring – and through their relationships with many nieces and nephews (as well as their positive and loving impact on so many others in their lives), their relationship bears great fruit.

        On a more personal note, as a lesbian and a Christian, this narrow position on fruitfulness in marriage (i.e., sex is procreative only; couples who cannot together produce children naturally should never marry) means that I would never be able to marry the person I love – with whom I believe I have the capacity to create a loving, God-honoring, and, yes, fruitful marriage. Food for thought.

        • http://www.elizabethesther.com elizabeth

          Hmm. I think you’re making the mistake of faulting doctrine as the cause for neglected children instead of faulting the true source of these tragedies: disobedient, lazy and neglectful PARENTS.

          Secondly, the RCC position on sex is not–as you said–’procreative only.’ There is a dual purpose to sex: procreative AND unitive. The problem arises when we divorce one from the other; ie. when we make sex and procreation mutually exclusive. In other words, when we artificially interject a barrier that interrupts the wholeness of sexuality or bend the purpose of sexuality to meet our own wants, aren’t we just making up doctrine to be what we want it to be? As Tammy mentioned, our culture worships at the altar of “want.” But what as Christians we have to ask ourselves: is what I want in line with the Word of God?

          Yes, the way of Christ is narrow. It is difficult. We stumble and fail. But ultimately, which is more important to us? Obedience to God or obedience to our own wants?

          • KP

            Several thoughts:

            1) I absolutely would blame faulty parents rather than church doctrine. However, I think many times “I don’t want children” (the statement you deem unchristian) is people acknowledging a lack of desire, financial stability, or capability to parent, and I believe strongly that those statements should be respected – not dismissed because “God knows better”. Certainly there are exceptions to this, but I think that kind of deep self-knowledge often comes from God, rather than being contrary to God’s will.

            2) My apologies for unintentionally misstating the RCC doctrine. However, even with the addition of unity to that ethic, I still respectfully disagree with it. I believe that sex does not need to be procreative to be God-honoring. I believe unitive but non-procreative sex can also be in line with what God wants for us. Intimacy in our primary relationship teaches us how to love and care for others, and to accept God’s love and care for us. Through marriage, two people grown closer to each other and also to Christ, whether or not they raise children. I believe this is holy, and therefore a marriage without children can be holy – even if that is a deliberate choice by the married couple.

            3) I don’t know if you meant to sound self-righteous and patronizing in your response, but as a gay person, it stung. I am not gay because I am, as you put it “worshiping at the altar of want” (yes, I know you were quoting someone else) or “bending sexuality to meet [my] own wants”. I am not “stumbling” or “falling” by entering into a loving, committed, Christ-centered relationship, nor am I in a relationship because I simply can’t control myself. I am hoping desperately this is not how you intended to aim those words, but you should know that it is how I heard them. (If it was how you intended them to be heard, then I promise you that many before you have lectured and chastised in the name of Christ, so anything further, especially on the internet, would really be unnecessary.)

          • http://www.elizabethesther.com elizabeth

            Ack, this is getting unwieldy! Hope I can be clearer, this time!

            Re: #2: the RCC *does* provide for unitive but non-procreative sex in the form of NFP. Have you read the paragraphs I linked to in the Catechism? I think this might help your confusion.

            Re: #3= In the paragraph you referenced, I was still discussing the nature of sexual relations within the context of heterosexual marriage. That paragraph wasn’t me addressing gay relationships at all. I’m sorry you took that personally–it wasn’t my intent! Please know that. I was actually talking more from my own experience since bending sexuality to MY own purposes is what I’VE done in the past and it took me a good long while to reconcile myself to a different understanding. Anyway, my apologies. I didn’t mean to confuse you!

  • http://www.amberpeace.com Amber-Lee

    I think as long as you have your disclaimer about exceptions to the rule, this is a good post :)
    This has been an interesting topic for us. My doctor (christian), my counselor (christian), and my psychiatrist (christian) are all firmly against me having children. So are our closest friends. Against all that advice, we’re going to have one (or however many that one pregnancy yields), and then my husband will have a vasectomy. Even YET, we have people telling us that we are doing a terrible thing by only having one child. We can’t win for losing. However, I feel very confident in our decision and at peace with it. I don’t believe God wants me to be harmed or my child/ren to be harmed. He wants us to make life-giving choices and in our situation, this is what is most life giving.

    • http://www.elizabethesther.com elizabeth

      I admire you for making your decision prayerfully. No judgment here. :)

      • http://www.amberpeace.com Amber-Lee

        I should say that my original life plan was to have 5 children at least :) I’m the oldest of of a large family, and two of my other sisters wanted to have at least 5. This would leave my mother and stepfather with no less than 15 grandchildren!

  • http://michelle-endlessstrength.blogspot.com michelle

    I love how you and your husband answered your child’s question. Additionally, I came to my understanding and acceptance of the children God has blessed me with through the love I found in my oldest as well. When I married 12 years ago, if someone would have told me I would have five children in 10 years, I would have thought them crazy. Nice article.

  • Britni

    I want children one day, but I am not sure whether I was biological children. I feel convicted that as there are so many abandoned, unwanted, and unloved children, adoption would be the best option for me, whether I ever marry or not. I would be interested in your take on that.

    • http://www.amberpeace.com Amber-Lee

      That is a beautiful thing to have on your heart. There are so many children in this world that need homes. If my husband and I decided that we can care for more than one child, we will adopt from the Southern Appalachians, which is where I’m originally from.

  • Tammy

    “But I don’t WANT children!” was the original question…from what I read, everyone responded to the word “children”…I see “want” as being the pivotal word in that phrase.

    Our culture worships at the altar of want. We buckle for almost any behavior of the person “wants” it badly enough. In the history of the world, seldom did people ever get to focus so closely on what they wanted. While I enjoy having things my way (during the rare times when that happens) as much as the next person, I wonder if as Christians we might do well to take “want” out of the center of our target.

    For he who saves his life will lose it and he who loses his life will save it

    • KatR

      I guess I think growing up as your parents’ cross to bear so that God will be pleased with them when they get to heaven sounds like a crappy childhood. (And a great way to put an addition on to a therapist’s house)

    • http://www.elizabethesther.com elizabeth

      Yes! the point, here, is whether not WANTING children is an acceptable Christian view. I don’t mind the tangents, though–it makes for invigorating exchange of ideas!

      I love your point that our culture worships at the altar of want—as if our wants should be the primary determining factor for the Christian life. Interesting point!!!

      • Tammy

        To KatR,
        I dont want to put myself in defiance of the 4th commandment, but within the limitations of that edict, I will share that my parents were not “good” ones. Yet by simply being born, I was given the opportunity to live out the life God chose for me, crappy childhood or not.

        I dont think that people who hate children should have hue full quivers, but I do think we would do well to think about “want” in a more discerning way.

        • http://www.kathleenbasi.com Kathleen@so much to say

          The other important point here is that yes, the world is what it is and people maybe be crappy parents if they are forced into it, but nobody’s trying to force people into being parents against their will; the intent is to change the heart, to bring it more into line with God’s heart, with God’s love (which, let’s face it, is abundantly creative–just look around the world, it never stops). As Christians, that’s what we’re going for, right? To reflect God’s love in our own lives? To imitate it? The point is to try to move hearts, not impose a soulless rule.

  • http://www.ayoungmomsmusings.blogspot.com Young Mom

    Haha! Love your list of disclaimers. :) Even as little as a few months ago, I probably would have signed on wholeheartedly to your statements here. I used to think that even people who didn’t want children should have them anyways because they were God’s highest calling and they would grow through the process of being parents. Now I think that a person who truly doesn’t want kids shouldn’t raise them, because it is a terrible burden on the their unwanted children. I still believe that children are a wonderful blessing, I have 4 of them that I adore, and I even hope to have a few more.

  • susan

    Tammy, I agree 100%!

  • http://www.lara-thinkingoutloud.blogspot.com Lara Laity

    Thanks for your disclaimer. My husband and I are starting to think our quiver might be full at 2. Though we aren’t doing anything permanent about it yet. We believe that quality is more important than quantity. It is better for us to raise two Image-bearers than 6 serial killers. you know? I am so thankful for my beautiful kids and all the ways they have changed me into a better person.
    But I have to admit there have been many days that I’ve wondered if I wasn’t supposed to have children (And I spent my whole life dreaming of being a mother and I was asking my hubby everyday when we could have a baby before we got pregnant!). My unique abilities and disabilities don’t suit me for the care of small children very well. And yet, I know there is NO way I could have remained unmarried. So I’ve struggled a lot with this doctrine of marriage = children. It seems to be true naturally for sure. But it didn’t seem to play out very well in my life. I spent a lot of time saying this, “What is wrong with me?!” Especially after reading blog posts like this from friends with so many more kids than me who could still find the joy in it. I can find the joy now that my daughter is 5, but i could not when she was three. Even then, I knew she was good for me. She was changing me into a better person. But I don’t think I was good for her. So should people have kids just for the sake of their own growth? Shouldn’t they have kids because they have something good to offer them? For the child’s sake, not the parents? (Or maybe not. Maybe my value system is backward.)
    So yes, children are a beautiful blessing, but I don’t believe everyone should have kids. Children deserve better than that.

    • http://www.elizabethesther.com elizabeth

      Thanks for sharing so honestly, Lara. I love your candor and honesty.

      I just want to encourage you that maybe the options aren’t so stark; ie. 2 great kids vs. 6 serial killers! LOL! :) Sometimes I think we set up these false dichotomies in our minds that scare us out of faithful believing. God supplies grace as we need it. I didn’t have grace for 5 children when I had 2. But now I have grace for 5. I am willing to trust that He will grant me grace to bear whatever comes next, you know?

      Still, part of responsible parenting is a prayerful understanding of your particular limits and abilities. I admire you for being so honest. Whatever you do, I’m sure the Lord will continue to richly bless you!!

      • Tammy

        Lara,
        Our society also says that little kids are wonderful and teens are horrible. I have LOVED raising my kids during the teen years…maybe you are of those folks who will thrive when your kids argue ethics, introduce to you cool music and fix your computer for you. Be not afraid !

        Yes, they will tell you that you are a dork and teach you words you should not use, but it will be fun : )

        • http://www.kathleenbasi.com Kathleen@so much to say

          I was going to mention that, too. I have finally learned that I”m a baby mama and a bigger kid mama, and I am most definitely NOT a toddler mama. Several people told me I’d change my tune when my kids hit the teen years, but another very wise woman told me she also loathed the toddler years and loved the teen years. It’s hard to know while mired in this stage of parenthood how things are going to turn out, but whatever decision you make, don’t make it in fear.

      • Becca

        I once had someone say to me that she’d rather have one child and put all the effort into making sure they turned out perfectly, than to have a bunch of mediocre children. (Or something along those lines.) I had no idea how to respond to that. That whole line of thinking is just bewildering to me.

        • Tammy

          That assumes the accuracy in the ideas that (1.)we have control in children turning out “perfectly” (and as a mom of 20somethings, that seriously makes me cringe) and that (2)uninterrupted parenting will have a better effect on kids than having siblings. Kids with sibs generally learn some valuable coping skills along the way that help them cope well in life

          • http://moss-place.stblogs.org Peony Moss

            Even the world’s most perfect parent is not immortal. Kids who are blessed with sibs have opportunities for friendship and family that will go on after their parents have died. And not just with each other – having sibs can mean in-laws (which can be a good thing!) and nieces and nephews.

      • http://www.lara-thinkingoutloud.blogspot.com Lara Laity

        And here is where I get are choked up and teary, because He didn’t give me Grace I needed to care for 2 children even though He gave me two children 2.5 years apart. I believed what you believe. I did. Strongly. But I broke anyway. So now what should I believe?

        And I realize that is a question I should be bringing to a therapist not a blogger. I guess I just wanted you to know is that what you blog about is the ideal. But many can’t live up to that ideal. Including regular people like me. I’m a married Christian woman. Not an alcoholic, or drug user or selfish person who doesn’t want to deal with the care of anyone but myself, or….whatever else you might want to add there. Just a regular house wife/waitress, ENFP, with a BS in Psychology. And my quiver is stuffed full to the brim with two kids. They are amazing and beautiful. I love them, I am thankful for them. But I’m also spread too thin.

        Can you love me anyway?

        • http://www.elizabethesther.com elizabeth

          Aww, Lara. Of course there’s love, here. This post isn’t even really about couples who HAVE children, it’s about the underlying idea behind couples who say they don’t want children at all! As far as I’m concerned, you’ve done well! Be blessed! I know what it feels like to be broken by children–that happened to me after the twins. I STILL feel spread too thin. I’m hanging in there with you! His grace IS sufficient. ((hugs)) xoxo from another ENFP. :)

          • http://www.lara-thinkingoutloud.blogspot.com Lara Laity

            Thank you. Ya, I kinda realized that as I’ve been pondering this all today. I DO want children. I’d LOVE to have four kids really. But I can’t. So I will call myself blessed and love on these beautiful babies that I have. The next question is though, what about birth control? NFP is so risky.

  • http://fromthepulpitofmylife.blogspot.com/ Ruth Ann

    Beautiful post, Elizabeth. I love your spirituality of marriage and family. Your point that God gives the graces you need when the needs arise is true. I never expected to have a child with a serious congenital heart disease. Yet, my husband and I did—back in the days when such things could not be detected prenatally. When the news sunk in, I thought, God sent us this child because he knew we would love her and do right by her with his help. Everything fell in place in the most amazing ways. After five major surgeries, including 3 open-heart surgeries, spaced throughout her childhood, adolescence, and adulthood, and even more less invasive medical treatments, she is happily married. Life isn’t perfect, but it’s GOOD ENOUGH! Praise God!

    • http://www.elizabethesther.com elizabeth

      Praise God for GOOD ENOUGH! YES!! :D

  • http://Www.suzielind.wordpress.com Suzie Lind

    I’ve been thinking about you a lot these last 2 weeks and how the nightbwe met in person I was so freaked out about just finding out I was pregnant. You said some of these things to me that night and I left encouraged. I could not be more in awe right now that God’s ways are so much higher than ours. Now, my little Nathan is a gift to remind me of how infinitely wise and good God is. So thanks yo.

    • http://www.elizabethesther.com elizabeth

      So glad some of my words encouraged you! YAY! Nathan is just adorable—I LOOOOVE the pics you post of him! xoxoxo.

  • http://heldts.blogspot.com Brianna

    LOVE your perspective!

    It was the birth of our oldest that caused us to really start rethinking the whole concept of “family planning.”

    And it is this very issue that initially drew us to the Catholic Church. (We were seeking answers to the whole family planning/openness to life issue, and decided to learn what exactly the Catholic position was, and why.) Her teaching remains the same today as it always has. I’ve always thought it interesting that Protestant denominations held to this same teaching too up until 1930 or so–the vast majority of church history has taught that children are to be a natural part of marriage.

    The fact is that life with children, whether you have 2 or 5, is not easy. It drives me to my knees in prayer, reveals my selfishness and pride and anger, and forces me to prioritize and walk that line between meeting their needs, and being healthy for them. But what a blessing they are to marriage and to society. What a blessing they are to me, as they force me to keep a sense of humor and not take myself too seriously. (Because you really CAN’T take yourself too seriously when you have five kids!)

    I truly believe the Church when she teaches that the unitive and procreative elements are to work together. I truly believe that anytime we are participating in the marital act, we are not to seperate the two. I do believe that not everyone is meant to have children, but I also believe that marriage is probably not the vocation for them in that case. That sounds so incredibly extreme in our entitlement, do-what-feels-good culture, but how can we deny the fact that God created sex for marriage, and that procreation is the result of sex?

    There are many Christian teachings that are super, super hard. The gate is narrow for sure and to be honest there are times when I think that Jesus’ ways are just plain inconvenient. But then I remember that my goal is not to get to the end of my life with lots of wealth and free time. It is to be made like Jesus, and to perservere to the end and be received into Heaven. Plus, I believe openness to life is good for children too. I am floored by the beautiful hearts of my kiddos and by the amazing things they learn just by doing life in our home. God came up with a pretty good plan, I’d say!

    God is so incredibly full of grace and mercy and there will always be legitimate exceptions when it comes to this issue. But on the whole, I’m glad for God’s normative design for marriage. I have been incredibly challenged and blessed since becoming open to life. Thank you so much for sharing these wise thoughts with the masses!

    • http://www.unbearablywright.com Amanda

      “I do believe that not everyone is meant to have children, but I also believe that marriage is probably not the vocation for them in that case.”
      LOVE THAT and agree fully.

      • Sandy

        “I do believe that not everyone is meant to have children, but I also believe that marriage is probably not the vocation for them in that case.”

        *blinks*

        I totally disagree with that, considering that many Christians are against having sexual relations outside of marriage. So, what you’re implying is if those of us who do not want to have children should be stuck being single *and* celibate all of our lives? I sincerely hope that’s not what you meant, because I was truly insulted by that.

        • http://heldts.blogspot.com Brianna

          Hi Sandy,

          I had not intended to insult anyone. The Catholic Church teaches that God’s design for marriage is to be both unitive AND procreative–and that it CAN’T truly be unitive without being procreative. The Church states that the purpose of marriage is:

          1. the faithful and permanent union of the spouses, and
          2. the procreation and education of children.

          The Church thus states that a marriage between two persons who do not want (and plan to permanently prevent the conception of) children is invalid, because it doesn’t meet the criteria of a marriage. Thus to be married by the Church both people must state that their marriage will include openness to life.

          This teaching is shocking and difficult, I agree. It makes me uncomfortable (like a lot of things about God, quite frankly), but the Catholic Church has taught this since her beginning. Protestants also pretty much universally taught (until the 1930s) that contraception was wrong. So for the vast majority of history, contraception was not overtly accepted in Christian culture and this view would not have been so radical.

          Do I expect non-Catholics to believe/follow Church teaching on these matters? No. Do most of my Christian friends contracept? Yes. Do I care? No.

          I am sorry to have said something insulting–I was trying to share my thoughts in light of what the Church teaches, which is partially the basis for the original post. (And, those teachings are offensive in this day and age. I totally get that.) I echo Elizabeth’s disclaimers, and also affirm that yes I do believe that Christian marriage is designed, and was intended, to include children.

          God bless!

  • Sharon

    I didn’t have time to read all of the comments so forgive me if I’m repeating someone else. I’ve always been a bit baffled by the idea of Christians having a problem with birth control.

    God designed our bodies to work in a certain way. Because of the fallen world in which we live, some people’s bodies (myself included) don’t work the way God originally designed and so conceiving has been a challenge for me. However, for most people having unprotected s*x means they have a better than average chance of conceiving. To me, not using any form of birth control is like stepping in front of a moving train and saying, “If God doesn’t want me to get hit by this train, He’ll stop the train.”

    • http://www.elizabethesther.com elizabeth

      Yikes! That’s a fearful analogy! Can you see how a view of conception that is informed by analogizing it to dangerous, life-threatening behavior; ie. stepping in front of a moving train, is utterly divorced from the hopeful, vantage point of Christian faith? As long as we view the possibility of conception as akin to dangerous, life-threatening behavior, it’s difficult to agree with Scripture about the gift and heritage of children.

      • KatR

        Maybe I’m misunderstanding Sarah, but I think she is trying to address the whole idea of God “giving” or “sending” children. For a good part of the population, you have unprotected sex, you have a good chance of having a baby. You can be loving married people. You can be a rape victim. You can be an unprepared teenager. Doesn’t seem to matter.

        It seems that if God was truly in charge of each and every conception, then we would see a lot less of stable people unable to have kids while 15 year olds have them no problem.

        • http://moss-place.stblogs.org Peony Moss

          a lot less of stable people unable to have kids while 15 year olds have them no problem.

          This touches on the whole question of the effects of sin – why are stable people unstable? why are 15 year olds having sex?

          But it also touches on Providence: the children of unstable parents and teen moms aren’t necessarily doomed to grow up unstable themselves. And in other times and places, motherhood at age 15 was perfectly acceptable.

  • Kristine B

    This is an interesting point you bring up, but some viewpoints could be considered very offensive to some. I have several friends who, after much medical intervention, are physically unable to have biological children. They are also unable to adopt financially (serious $$ is involved w/adoption) and do not feel called to be a foster parent. I do not think because of these situations that God is holding back blessings to them.

    There are also Christian couples who, because of growing up in an abusive family, or because of family members who had serious addiction or other health problems (serious mental issues), choose not to have children to avoid passing on those genes. I think God knows our hearts and our desires. He also knows our plans for our lives. He doesn’t look less on those folks who decide not to have children.

    I apologize if I’m rambling, this is just one of those topics that gets to me. I have an amazing toddler and get asked at least once a week when I’m going to make her a big sister (mostly from coworkers). I have had secondary fertility issues and find these questions intrusive and hurtful. You never know what others have faced in the past or are currently going on. Having children is a deeply personal decision and no one should ever be judged for their decision. In the Christian realm, it really is between them and God.

  • Margaret

    How do you square this belief with the fact that the world’s population is growing at a crazy rate? It’s hard for me to accept a no-birth-control policy because if every family did that, we’d run out of space and resources right quick.

    I think that with a variety of family sizes–large families, small families, childless families–things end up balancing out. But it seems to me that holding this as a “general, guiding principle” implies that in a perfect world where people lived up to this principle, everyone would be having larger families. We’d be relying on “exceptions” to keep us from running out of food and space. And I just don’t think the world can support that.

    • http://www.americannaussie.katyannewilson.com Katy-Anne

      I have been reading some materials lately for my college classes (secular, humanist college) that seems to indicate that overpopulation would not be a problem even if everyone had a heap of kids. So I have to study it further but it sure is interesting.

  • KP

    Posting a response to your reply here, as we seem to have maxed out the thread above:

    #2, I’ve read that part of the catechism before, but I went through it again as a refresher. The part I still take issue with is:

    “These two meanings or values of marriage cannot be separated without altering the couple’s spiritual life and compromising the goods of marriage and the future of the family. The conjugal love of man and woman thus stands under the twofold obligation of fidelity and fecundity.” (2363)

    and “”Married couples should regard it as their proper mission to transmit human life” (2367)

    I see this as a condemnation of certain marriages that are, in fact, holy, and in no way deserving of the church’s scorn on this issue. But in this, I disagree with both you and the RCC, and I’m ok with that (the differences between us are not as important or as great as the beliefs we share). And I think we’ve hit the point where we can agree to disagree, no?

    #3 – This is what I suspected, and clearly we’ve all left comments intending them to be read one way, only to be misinterpreted. That said, in closing (I’ll try not to fill up your comments any further), I would encourage you to notice how your argument about sexuality could very well be taken in the future to be an indictment of gay people even when you meant it as an indictment of couples who choose to limit their number of children. I will try to be less touchy on the subject of sexuality, but it helps when bloggers can occasionally evaluate how they might come off to various audiences.

  • Mary Beth

    Thank you for your disclaimers. Thank you thank you thank you.

    My husband and I both very much want children, but after much prayer and some sought out Godly counsel from people we love and trust, we feel God is asking us to wait a few years. (We’re young only 24-25 right now so we have a little time.)

    There’s a secondary issue in that there is a family history of having a little trouble conceiving and a few miscarriages.

    So when people come to me and insist they know what God has for me in terms of children, it doesn’t so much offend as it hurts. It sends me into a tizzy of panic and fear that God might not give us children. It makes me sad because I would love a child sooner than God seems to be allowing…

    So thank you thank you for some compassion and understanding. I feel it is unkind to make these sorts of blanket statements without understanding a person’s full history or a long list of compassionate caveats. :)

    A friend once told me, “Wow, I am so fortunate that the person who knows everything about when and how many children I have attends my church and was graciously willing to share this information with me!” This always makes me smile when people are informing me of my “poor life choices” regarding children.

  • http://heldts.blogspot.com Brianna

    I already left an incredibly long comment so I PROMISE this is my last time piping in on this issue! :)

    I just wanted to say that I think the wholesale acceptance of contraception in our day is ultimately a sign of our times and our culture. Reading through the comments, I think people are really uncomfortable with any sort of authority telling them what they can and can’t do when it comes to sex and having children. SURELY God is not concerned with that portion of our lives and instead gives us total freedom. Surely God would not ask us to subscribe to such an inconvenient belief system in this day and age.

    But…what if He is? What if He does have a plan for marriage and society and what if it looks really radical? What if it’s messy and hard to follow? Should we automatically dismiss something (that the Church, including Protestantism, has taught for the vast majority of its history) because it’s difficult?

    • http://www.elizabethesther.com elizabeth

      Brianna: you are free to leave as many long comments as you wish! :)

      Especially if they are all as morally lucid as this one!! Boo-to-the-YA!

    • http://bluebonnetreads.wordpress.com Hannah C.

      I love this comment. Thank you.

    • Tina B

      But….what if he is Not? What if He does have a plan for a marriage and a society and what if it looks really radical (to the established church)? What if we took our own beliefs and pushed them onto another couple and told them this was God’s will for their life….without scriptural proof? And then where does that leave us?

    • http://thecommandmentsofmen.blogspot.com Lewis

      Reading through the comments, I think people are really uncomfortable with any sort of authority telling them what they can and can’t do when it comes to sex and having children.

      I certainly would be. Especially if it’s another person or a church trying to lord over these areas of my life or faith. (I don’t think that’s necessarily what anyone has done here – I speak in general terms)

      SURELY God is not concerned with that portion of our lives and instead gives us total freedom. Surely God would not ask us to subscribe to such an inconvenient belief system in this day and age.

      I believe He does give total freedom in this area, and I believe there are other things that are more important to him. It’s up to you to discern His path for you.

      “But…what if He is? What if He does have a plan for marriage and society and what if it looks really radical? What if it’s messy and hard to follow?”

      Then it’s up to individuals and couples to discern that plan as the Holy Spirit directs them.

      Should we automatically dismiss something (that the Church, including Protestantism, has taught for the vast majority of its history) because it’s difficult?

      Not necessarily, but we also shouldn’t just accept it because the majority of the church says so. The church (in all its forms) has been wrong about more than a few things over the centuries because the church is a collection of humans.

      • http://heldts.blogspot.com Brianna

        Tina and Lewis, you’re definitely right–everyone DOES have the freedom to choose what they want to do and what moral codes to follow. That is the beauty of a God who loves us so incredibly much that He has given us intellect and free will.

        I personally also believe that He loved us so much that He gave us the Church, “the pillar and foundation of the truth” (1 Timothy 3:15). But, that is MY belief. I don’t expect it to be anyone else’s.

        You’re also right that the Bible itself does not explicitly mention birth control–I think the only reference is when God struck Onan dead for spilling his seed in Genesis 38:9-10. (Ew!)

        At any rate, I appreciated Elizabeth’s post because it is bringing something up that so few talk about in Christian circles anymore. Few address the fact that their own brand of Christianity taught the same thing as the Catholic Church for the vast majority of history in this area.

        Having a discussion about the historic tenets of Christianity (and the modern departure from it) doesn’t have to amount to people pushing their views onto other people, in my opinion. I think it’s valuable to see where our faith comes from and where it is now. To ask the hard questions.

        Anyway, just my two cents! :)

  • http://scrutinies.net Dorian Speed

    Like Brianna, I have a hard time understanding the perspective of those who would say “God doesn’t care what happens in our bedroom” or something along those lines. Our sexuality is the most intimate revealing of ourselves to one another – allowing us the gift of participating in creation. The Catholic understanding of this gift is that the language of our bodies in the marital act is one of total self-surrender. I guess I’m not seeing how I could say “I give myself fully to you” to my husband while telling God – and my husband, for that matter – something different by introducing contraception into the mix.

    I know that some would argue that monitoring our fertility amounts to the same mentality, in that if a woman is pretty sure she’s at an infertile point in her cycle, she’s saying “I give myself to you but let’s hope we don’t end up having a baby.” But key to Catholic teaching on this subject is that each individual act of coming together as husband and wife is a living out of our sacramental bond. So even if a couple thinks it’s an infertile time in the woman’s cycle, the act itself remains fully open to life.

    • Tammy

      I converted to Catholicism in Calif and at that church, I dont remember them even mentioning NFP in my RCIA program. I cant be sure if during and after RCIA that none ever mentioned it or if I just never heard any of it. I had my tubes tied in invincible ignorance…I literally said out loud “If this were important, they would SAY something”. oh my. So there is no going back for me (besides Im a grandma now), but I have come to see beauty in the teaching.

      What I now see as a huge benefit is that with NFP, the man must communicate with the woman about his desires and she must communicate back to him. When a husband knows you are contracepting, he already “knows” and he wont see the need to talk first.

  • http://remnantofremnant.blogspot.com priest’s wife

    didn’t read through the comments….but this was a beautiful post!

    Marriage is unitive AND procreative

  • http://bluebonnetreads.wordpress.com Hannah C.

    Thank you so much for this post, Elizabeth.

    I have thought about this issue, too. I really don’t think it works for a Christian couple to get married with the intent of preventing the conception of children for their entire marriage. The Catholic Church explains why so well, and this post puts it into a “real life” perspective.

    Your comment about the grace to handle what you have is one I greatly appreciate. I’m the oldest of almost 10 kids, no twins. People often say, “I could never handle 10 kids!” They seem to overlook that they don’t come all at once. I know my mother didn’t have the ability to parent 10 kids when she had just me. But there was always room for one more, somehow.

    Right now, I have a 5 month old daughter and I’m going a bit stir-crazy being at home alone with her all the time. I’m a bit terrified of having another child. But I know that if/when I do have another one, that grace will kick in and it will be wonderful. I’ve yet to encounter a situation in life where I wasn’t able to somehow cope with it after all. That being said, there were definitely different degrees of coping! ;)

    So, yes. Thank you so very, very much.

  • joy

    “Quivers come in different sizes, yo”–HA! That made me giggle out loud. And then, on a more serious note, I read the many conversations in comments and was glad I had. I don’t agree with everything you say, but I love the fact that you’ve created a blog where people really can disagree and discuss in good faith. Pun intended. ;)

  • Nurse Bee

    While I’m not Catholic and not a particular fan of NFP (I like FAM though), I do get what you’re saying. My sister just got married and she says they don’t want kids….which I don’t exactly believe, but I’ve noticed that sort of mentality that seems to kind of go along with the social justice, green, etc, aspect of Christianity….that somehow having kids is selfish which, of course, is the exact opposite of the truth.

  • Elizabeth

    I love this post…thank you! I am pregnant with our first child, and I am admittedly terrified. I realized the other day though, that I am constantly remarking to my husband about the AMAZING graces God has showered on us in our marriage thus far. Before we got married, I was terrified of marriage…then God showed me that this vocation is one of sacrifice, yes, but also intense joy! I unintentionally made the mistake of separating motherhood from marriage, and forgot that God would give us the grace we need to be parents as well as spouses.

  • ella

    People are called to a variety of things in their life. I have never, ever felt called to motherhood (which statistically makes sense…I am an only child, and while we make up about/less than 10% of people, we are around 30% of those who choose not to have children). Some of my friends are frantic to be mothers, to the point that is disrupts good decisions about dating and marriage (because that clock goes TICK TICK TICK every time a date goes poorly and they think they will have to start over to find the right person).

    I respect your posts and your view, but I also think it’s very hard for someone inside motherhood (who also felt a call to motherhood) to call out someone outside motherhood (who has never felt that call). One of the most significant influences in my life was a unrelated adult, childless, who took time for me in my life and offered support, separate from my parents. I relish that I am able to do the same for the children of my friends and devote extensive time to my career (which involves a good deal of social service, and I believe my ability to help people in that capacity is something I simply could not offer my talents and abilities to if I were not childless).

    I don’t think I am thwarting the plans of God or throwing a parade about what I want. I am acutely aware that, despite what I think, I could become pregnant in an instant if that were God’s plan for me, and birth control or not, I could not do a single thing about it. But I simply refuse to accept that people who choose to attempt childlessness, when they can articulate those reasons and how the difference in their lifestyle still allows them to serve God in different ways, when it’s not because they just want to party and not have responsibilities, are acting in selfishness. I’m a woman. I have hormones. I think I would be led to feel that desire of children, which so many women feel quite naturally (which leads to incredibly invasive and rude conversations when they can’t believe I don’t feel the same way), if that was the way for me. Mothers, in my experience, simply cannot fathom that I could feel this way. I must be suppressing something or acting out of extreme selfishness.

    I appreciate that I will never fully understand parental love, if I never become a parent (which is one reason, quite honestly, I read blogs such as this one, because I appreciate that insight). I wish mothers could appreciate that they might never understand the choice of childlessness as well.

  • Tina B

    Wow! I hate to give negative comments but I have to say, “disagree.”
    Not with the personal side of your story but with the fact that it has to translate to the entire Christian Community as a whole.

    My own disclaimer* I only have 3 kids but come from a family of 11 with 50+ cousins and still multiplying….Stop! I feel like saying at times. The earth is plenty inhabited. But I don’t because I do believe that God calls different people to different walks (and I have studied this subject extensively.)

  • http://www.lara-thinkingoutloud.blogspot.com Lara Laity

    Last night I took my kids down to our local farmer’s market and they were dancing to a local lady’s music. Multiple times she said, “it’s such a blessing to play for these children.” The look on her face brought tears to my eyes. This lady got it. She understood the value of children. They are not a nuisance, a burden, not lesser. She was not disappointed that kids were dancing and not adults. She found joy in them. She knew that they are the future of the world and we need them. She knew that they are a beautiful gift from God. It was beautiful and I wish all the world saw children this way. And I thought of you, because in this I agree with you whole heartedly. That children are a gift. And I imagine since you have been given 5 of these gifts and you cherish each one you can’t understand how anyone wouldn’t wish for one.
    I will let each woman make her own personal decision about becoming a mother based on her circumstances as a person and her giftedness, but I would call all of humanity to recognize the beauty in children and to come along side mothers and fathers and celebrate children, for they are blessings. It’s true.

  • http://www.adamshome.blogspot.com erin

    I have read through all of these comments. Elizabeth, I love how you are able to spur a gracious conversation on this issue. We need more of this in the church.
    I love a lot here. I’ll just say, it’s a blessing!

  • Pingback: Cleaning and pregnancy tests are my cheap therapy | Elizabeth Esther

  • Margaret

    Love this post, and your gracious handling of the issue.

    I also love seeing the growth in your life as you heal from the spiritual abuse and find that God’s truth is always there, no matter how people twist and abuse and misuse it.

  • Natasha

    I’m very ignorant about the principals of Christianity and Catholicism but I’ve read a lot of the posts on here trying to figure some things out. Here’s what I’m concerned about:
    Humans beings do better [are happier/more stable what have u] when they have attachment. So the idea of a marriage seems like a good place to gain that on another complex level. But according to both regions I can never experience such a bond unless in a marriage and that I must save myself as a virgin and wait.
    So assume I do that. I would basically have to get married to even know if I could be a good wife. And what if I’m not. What if I don’t like having sex with my husband, what if it all goes wrong and I just don’t have passion for him. I may be a companionate person where I’m still civil, I cook, and I listen to him and such. Something like an arranged marriage where they might not love or even like each other they just do what’s “right.” You might say you would CLEARLY KNOW beforehand but many marriages today are based on these feelings which just “carnal” and can fade away; I mean you hear people getting a divorce after 6 months because in the end they just didn’t work. You know? And I’m just assuming divorce is also a disapproved option so now what? I’m stuck in a marriage?
    So now here I am not enjoying married life. Why would I have children? The idea of child birth is horrifying to me already. Should I have a child just because it’s what god says to do? You might say: just like trying out the marriage, you must try out the child. But if the marriage doesn’t work, isn’t that a sign of how a bad a parent you’ll be.
    I’m not saying that children are not a blessing. Like I said, I don’t know anything about this stuff I’m proposing a scenario that I think is probable based on the rules of Christianity and things that may just happen because of me. Any comments are appreciated.