A heart wide open–a HUGE thank you! (and a sort of goodbye)

Posted on August 10, 2011 by elizabeth

Whether it brings me joy or pain, I choose to live with an open heart. --EE

I’m exhausted. And my skin–my very own, built-in emotional thermometer–proved it by breaking out in psoriasis. I’m an itchy, exhausted mess.

I’m so tired that I can’t even taste my food. I went into Bolivia with a heart wide open and I gave, gave, gave. I tapped into my ENFP-ness and allowed myself to feel everything. I let my heart break. I let myself weep.

And now, I am utterly spent. I have so many more stories to tell, but I am very tired now. I need rest. I need to dither. I need to fritter. My heart is having a very hard time calming down. I am having nightmares every night–I am haunted by the children’s faces. I want to do more, more, more.

But I must rest in what I HAVE done…and mostly, what YOU have done!

Because of YOU, the lives of 32 children have been saved.

Yes, YOU did it! YOU sponsored 32 children through my page. Of course, my personal goal is 50 children–so, I’m letting you–my beloved readers–carry this the rest of the way. Will you please sponsor a child HERE and be the one who takes us to 50 children?

I can’t thank you enough. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

My labor of love was not in vain. My exhaustion is not in vain. 32 children will have a better life now because of YOU.

THANK YOU.

I also want to say that my writing career is at a crossroads right now (isn’t it always with writers?). I’m trying to decide which direction to take and need some time to work through that. I will blog my way through this because I trust this space–but I will probably be closing comments more often because my heart is….very fragile right now. I have also found that in closing comments, I receive the kindest and most beautiful emails from you.

Can I be honest and tell you how much I need your gentle words of encouragement? Closing comments seems to facilitate honest, open-hearted sharing and I want this space to be as refreshing for you as it is for me.

I guess what I’m saying is: I want to learn how to lead with my heart more often. For much of my life, I suppressed my heart. But now, I’ve flung the doors wide open and I’m listening…..

Bolivia changed me in ways I didn’t expect. I don’t recognize the person I am becoming, but I know that the woman I am becoming is more open, more loving, more compassionate, more tender.

Will you give me the grace and space to change? I know you will, you always do.

Thank you.

Comments ARE open–this is your last chance for awhile! :)

All my love, EE.

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  • http://www.mamabean.ca Mama Bean

    much love. much prayers. much joy (through the pain) at all that God is doing :)

  • http://www.gritandglory.com Alece

    love you, ee…

    selah.

  • http://ashleighbaker.net Ashleigh Baker (Heart and Home)

    You are brave and strong and open and vulnerable. And I love you, so much.

  • http://www.sundayschoolrebel.typepad.com Sam

    Goodness, I imagine you DO need some rest. Thank you for telling your story, so passionately, so broken-heartedly. Sometimes it was a bit overwhelming getting it from several of you but an impact was definitely made. I am still discussing sponsorship w/ my husband – hopefully our family can be a part of your 50! Now, go, rest, enjoy and love on your sweet family – and I can’t wait to hear where your writing is going. If you need to read anything to help you, sustain you – I totally recommend Madeleine L’Engle’s Walking on Water. Your gift is valuable, needed, and part of God’s glorious creation.

  • http://shewhomakes.blogspot.com/ Emily Smith

    I have just found you via Conversion Diary. My family is a big supporter of Compassion and we have just sponsored 2 more precious children in Bolivia… Bless you friend-that-I-don’t-know!

  • http://www.amberpeace.com Amber-Lee

    So much love for you, EE!

  • Paula

    Your continuing adventures and journey encourage me every time I come to your blog. I talk about you enough that my four children know your name :) Thanks!!!

  • http://Www.suzielind.wordpress.com Suzie Lind

    I love who you’re becoming too :)

  • Josh

    Praying for you as you move ahead.

  • Sarahstew

    Excellent, Elizabeth. We have been moving over the past few weeks and I am only just now getting to read your journey and your heart. I know the Lord is saying “Well done” to your humility, heart, openness and passion for those that you have had the privilege to meet. Thank you for continuing to stir the pot and urge action on the part of your fellow Christians! I am in hopes that our family can do something in this direction soon. Much love and bendiciones for the path you take now!

  • Joanie

    Okay, Sweetheart, get some rest. Soak it up all the way to your soul. Breathe in, breathe out, close your eyes. Hug your babies. Dither. Be still. Be blessed.

    Hugs!

  • http://www.JanetOberholtzer.com Janet Oberholtzer

    You have done well and you deserve rest … actually not only deserve, but need. All of nature goes through cycles of production and then rest, so why would humans be any different?

    Breathe … pick some flowers and put them on your table and know that today is a beautiful day. Enjoy dithering!

  • http://dovechronicles.blogspot.com Lisa Auter

    You give give give so much. Rest and find who God calls you to be next. Remember, even Jesus went away the day John the Baptist died, feeling weary, seeking respite. I honor all you do for Him and.32 kids — Hooray!

  • KatR

    I’m glad you are going to rest. I’m very glad you are still going to blog. I promise we don’t need the comment section. ;)

  • Karen P.

    I don’t comment often, maybe only a few times, but I want you to know how much I love and support you and your words. You often say things that I’m thinking, but couldn’t put into words as eloquently as you. And I love this too….”the woman I am becoming is more open, more loving, more compassionate, more tender.” Rest, dear one. And peace be with you. Always.

  • http://www.number17cherrytreelane.com No. 17 Cherry Tree Lane

    Love you, EE.
    Go where you need to go.

  • http://www.aholyexperience.com Ann

    ((you))

  • Linda Bengtson

    Elizabeth, I love what God has shown you through the children of Bolivia and what God will show us through you. Rest.

  • http://www.seekingfaithfulnessblog.blogspot.com Holly

    Look girl – take the time you need to let the Lord transform your heart. He is leading you – don’t be afraid to follow him!

  • http://flourishingmother.blogspot.com Andrea@FlourishingMother

    your enfp might be telling you to talk talk talk about everything, but perhaps some time to sit with your heart, head, and emotions for a bit will be the best thing. i hope so! xxoo andrea

  • Nicole D

    Thanks for keeping us up close and personal. I can see how us readers feel like we traveled there with you in spirit. Your raw and honest emotions through your vulnerability is like a breath of fresh air. I love when something of this magnitude rock us to the core. The goal is to keep yourself in that place. Hard to do when your living in the OC bubble but know that the treasures you brought back with you (mainly, the video you have permanently banked in your mind) will keep you in that soft and pliable spot!
    Thanks for sharing!

  • http://brandeeshafer.blogspot.com Brandee

    Well, I’ve often said: growing in the Lord feels, sometimes, like having the flu. Sometimes worse. BUT. You love Him, and You have been called according to His purpose, so He will work all things to Your good. We are all on a journey to become more like Him. God bless You, Sister. You have big gifts, so You have big responsibilities. Looking forward to being one in a cloud of witnesses to see how God will shape and use you.

  • http://laladyinwhite.blogspot.com/ colleen

    I sponsor 2 children through world vision, a girl in Haiti and a boy in Kenya. It has been a blessed, wonderful experience…i wish i could afford ten more :) Your blog has been sweet and encouraging to me, and i’ll be praying for you– for a measure of peace and quiet in your soul amidst the overwhelmed-ness of your heart! What you’ve done for these dear ones is lovely…thank you for that.

  • Apryl Y.

    Just found you today!!
    I Love what I am reading!!
    God is ALWAYS, always GOOD! May He em-power you and heal you strengthen and Love you!
    Knowing that this ministry is HIS and not yours (I always forget that “My” ministries are ALWAYS His and not mine!)
    God bless and praying for you!

  • Maryann Faro

    Get some rest, you’ve earned it. I had a feeling that someone with your personality type would feel emotionally drained after a trip like that. (I’m an INFP, which is close to your type, and I got traumatized just by visiting a nursing home a couple miles from my house! I had to spend the whole visit crying in the parking lot while the rest of my church group was inside. I absorb things like a big squishy sponge of hurt and sometimes it’s just too much. At least in your case, the feelings didn’t paralyze you, as has happened to me.)

    Just so you know, the reason why some of us may not have sponsored a child is because we may already be doing something like that. For example, my DH and I already give several thousand dollars a year to Catholic Relief Services, Catholic Charities, an orphanage down there in Bolivia and local food/housing charities. We have a different charity “portfolio” in place already, and that may be the case with other readers too. Just a theory.

    I just don’t want you to feel that you have fallen short of a personal goal if you don’t hit the number 50. It could be some readers already give some other way or that you’ve planted a seed that may come to fruition around the holidays (as I recall, World Vision is very proactive sending out holiday catalogs to sponsor kids, “buy” goats and so on). I used to work in advertising, and one thing I remember is that it’s all about repeated exposure, and someone may not even remember why they eventually spend money on something, but the ad (or in your case, blog post) planted something in their mind that is triggered later.

    My father used to travel to South American (mainly Brazil) for his job back in the seventies and early eighties. He was a tough guy who grew up poor himself, and not much phased him, but coming back from South America always made him depressed. Mansions with views of shacks, huge gulfs between rich and poor, lack of respect for women, big class differences and so on. He once got scolded by his host for saying a simple “thank you” to a servant. We don’t realize how lucky we are to live here, but with all the jobs we are outsourcing, I wonder sometimes when we will have nothing but rich and poor too. But maybe I am being paranoid…

    Regarding the writing, now seems like an exciting time to be a writer, with ebooks, Amazon, the Internet and independent publishing. You already have a platform, so I guess it’s up to you what you do next. For me as a reader, I especially enjoy the perspective you’ve gained from being in different faith communities, some good and some not-so-good. Those are the articles I like the best. I also like your honesty and sense of humor, so any type of writing where you can use those qualities would seem like a good fit. Just my thoughts. Sending up prayers for you!

  • http://www.indiatoappleton.blogspot.com Nancy

    If you’re looking for something to help along the journey, I have found so much solace in “Can You Drink the Cup?” by Henri Nouwen. It is so much about being poured out as Christ was, which seemed very appropriate for where you are post-Bolivia.
    Fondly,
    Nancy

  • http://www.passionateperseverance.blogspot.com Mary

    EE – I don’t comment often but I wanted to take advantage of this “free for all” in the comments. I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for sharing your heart. Thank you for being so honest. Thank you for trusting your readership that we can continue on this journey with. Change is in the wind and I can’t wait to see what God has planned for you! So rest and get ready my friend. Great things are coming. I just know it!
    Blessings and Grace to you and yours…

  • http://www.shandaoakleyinspires.com Shanda Oakley

    Elizabeth,
    Having spent most of my life either in Central America or Africa, I can understand the overwhelming emotions you have upon returning. I have also found that Americans who go into these type of en devours come back with their lives changed and their priorities totally rearranged. So it is not unusual for you to be rethinking the direction of your writing. I will be praying for you: that as you rest and and rebuild your physical strength, that God will also show you how he wants you to follow your heart. My husband is the Global Outreach Pastor now at a church in California and we find many return to slip into a depression; not knowing how to relate to their old world and especially if they have not had a good debriefing. I have followed this trip of yours with love and a small wish I could have been there with you. For it is hard to live in the US when your heart is elsewhere. I know God will refresh your body and soul and lead you into his direction.
    With much love, shanda

  • Sarah O.

    Though I don’t comment frequently (you are at the top of my naptime reads :) … I felt impressed to do so today. Giving witness to your journey over the years has encouraged my (recovering evangelical) heart to wrestle honestly with this faith, measured and granted by God. Continue boldly on this journey as God is leading you, dear sister. Peace.