I don’t know how to do this

Posted on August 3, 2011 by elizabeth

Selena, 12, stands outside the tiny wood plank hut where her family of 10 lives

I’m really struggling right now. And it just feels so wrong to even admit that–I KNOW! I KNOW! This is not about me and my experience! It feels abundantly LAME to share how this experience is difficult for ME. Ugh. I just. Honestly, I don’t know how to reconcile what my eyes saw today.

I don’t know how to do this.

I’ve never seen anything like this. And I feel almost…angry.

I’m sounding so cliche! (Ack! Stop saying “I”! Stop saying “me”!)

Like HOW does this kind of need exist? How does a family of 10 survive here? The smell alone felt like an assault. It was all I could do to stand there and listen to Pablo talk about how he struggles to feed his 8 children by farming potatoes.

“We work like animals all day every day,” he tells us. “And still it is not enough.”

Pablo, father of 8, stands outside his kitchen hut

The babies are running straight through the filth, their hands and fingernails, hair and toenails are caked with layer upon layer of grime.

I don’t know what do with that.

The flies buzz around me and I do my best not to swat them away. Eight children. A one room hut made of plank boards and corrugated tin roof. No electricity. No running water. No plumbing. The laundry hangs on a line.

The baby raises her head from her mother’s breast and smiles at us, laughs even.

What is there to smile about here? And yet, they smile.

Pablo's wife smiles when her husband shows off her hand-knit sweaters

I admit it. Just standing there, looking at their living conditions–smelling it!–made me almost ill. I wanted to run. But I forced myself to stay. Even staying seems like the most paltry, helpless, ridiculous offering. What can I even DO to help these people?

I can start by not looking away.

These are the poorest of the poor in Bolivia. They live in an isolated, remote village on the edge of the mountain. They farm on the steep hillsides. They’ve already lost one child.

Pablo shows us some of his needlework: colorful hats and jackets. His work is painstakingly precise. He knows his pieces are valuable but leaving his family to travel the many hours to the city to sell them is a task he cannot accomplish while his family is in survival mode.

As we walk away, I start crying. I feel so stupid, honestly. I mean, the general consensus is that poverty=bad. But I have always looked away.

I have ALWAYS looked away.

I am ashamed.

When I look into the faces of these children–I see my own. Why did I look away?

Why, WHY do we look away?

I don’t have the answer. Do you?

Because looking means we’ll have to DO something? Because you can’t look at this without feeling broken, upset….uncomfortable?

There is hope. I tell myself this over and over. We have seen this family. World Vision has seen this family and has just entered his community. Although none of Pablo’s children are sponsored yet, there MIGHT be a brighter future for Pablo and his children….

IF we don’t look away.

Sponsor in Bolivia

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  • http://pmrb.net Pedro M. Rosario Barbosa

    You are reacting the same way I reacted when I went to Haiti some years ago. Share what you have, through World Vision and other means, but also make political pressure in the U.S. and other powers so that there is more justice in the world. At least that has always been my personal approach.

  • http://pmrb.net Pedro M. Rosario Barbosa

    You have a very beautiful heart, by the way. :-)

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  • http://www.seekingfaithfulnessblog.blogspot.com Holly

    EE, praying for you as you travel.

    I remember – it was just a couple of years ago when I started “seeing,” stopped protecting myself. I, too, had always looked away.

    We can’t do that anymore.

    Yes, we allow our hearts to break – but they are supposed to.

    God be with you….

  • http://www.lovewellblog.com Kelly @ Love Well

    Even when we look away, Jesus always sees.

    I want to be more like Jesus. So I fix my eyes on Him (Heb 12:1-3) and go where He goes. World Vision is acting as His hands and feet. His grace is there with you, with them, Elizabeth.

    Praying for you this morning.

  • http://annalytical.com Anna

    Thanks for writing this Elizabeth. I found a child in Bolivia with my son’s exact birthday and decided it would be a good way to teach him to connect and help sponsor the child as well. This is my first time sponsoring. Thanks!

    • http://www.elizabethesther.com elizabeth

      Anna! THANK YOU SO MUCH! You are my very first reader to sponsor a child! When I found out you sponsored a child, I got so excited I announced it to our entire team and everyone cheered! THANK YOU ANNA!! xoxoxo

      • http://annalytical.com Anna

        Oh wow, yay! I mean, the need is so huge I don’t even know how to comprehend anything could make a difference. We talked to my son about Danny and how they share the same birthday, and he is excited to draw him Transformers and all sorts of other things 6 year old boys in the US think about. I hope it matters.

  • Brenna

    Our World Vision child lives in Sri Lanka. Her name is Dilshani, and we love her so much. You are right, Liz. No one should look away. xo

  • Debbie

    Your not looking away enables us to see…. Thank you!

  • karen

    Our sponsored child is also in Boliva His name is Edgar and he lives in Casilla, La Paz. Anywhere close to where you are?

  • http://www.jenniferfulwiler.com Jennifer @ Conversion Diary

    Thank you for sharing this, Elizabeth. We all need to see it. God bless you, and you’ll be in my prayers!

  • jewel

    That’s so great mom its like we can actually be there with you and see what’s happening! I hope your blog gets lots of traffic and sponsors. By the way, awesome pics!

  • http://www.aholyexperience.com Ann Voskamp@A Holy Experience

    “And yet, they smile…”

    And you saw that… you saw the glimmer of hope, and the potential, and the possibility … and you didn’t look away and blessed are those that have eyes to see…

    Thank you for holding our gaze on the least of these… on Him…

  • Jennifer

    Liz,

    Be strong, my friend. You may not feel like there’s much you can do, but you are shining the light of Christ to these children. What more is there? God is powerfully using you, even if you don’t feel it.

    I am so proud of you. I love you!

    Jenn
    PS – I sponsor a WV child in Bolivia, too! Her name is Maribel. She’s 15. She lives in Casilla, La Paz – same as someone else above. :)

  • Agnes

    Please keep writing EE. Please don’t worry about how many people read the site in these days, sponsor etc. The people who need to read, God will lead them to read. These are perhaps the most important posts you could ever write, in my humble opinion. Love love to you and all those children. Keep seeing and keep writing, we need to hear it and see it through your eyes. x

  • Elizabeth

    Your posts on Bolivia have truly moved me and I’ve made the jump in sponsoring a child today. Thanks for being such an inspirational voice.

  • chasy

    i look away because it’s scary — that could have been me growing up. it could have been my kids. and it still COULD be, some day, if God deems!

    i look away because it’s overwhelming. i can’t do enough and as with any overwhelming task in my life, if i can’t do “enough” by my standards, i don’t do anything at all.

    i look away because i’m selfish. i already struggle with depression and despair and i desperately filter out anything and everything that makes that struggle harder.

    when i explore my gut, those are the reasons i usually look away. but every single day (i am not exaggerating), when i thank God for the way He is providing in my life, for my children’s safety, and for my wonderful husband — EVERY SINGLE NIGHT BEFORE I FALL ASLEEP IN MY BED, i think of children the world over who are being hit, locked up, sexually used. i think of women who are being beaten AT THAT VERY MOMENT somewhere in the world. i think of children and parents in other countries who are hungry, fly-infested, crammed into one-room huts.

    i look away because it scares me, it makes me sad, i feel powerless, and i’m tempted to turn all of that into anger at God.

    sure, i’ll sponsor a child. i even hope to adopt someday. but that doesn’t make the suffering of all the OTHER people in this world more copable.

    i have been struggling with this question for most of my adult life: as a christian, living in my air-conditioned house and playing my video games and eating my junk food while my kid watches backyardigans and my friends schedule the next cookout — are these blessings i should enjoy with my whole heart because every good gift is from the Father above? or are they distractions from the enemy, keeping me from pulling a mother teresa and devoting my life to Christ’s work in the world? is my daily study of God’s Word and the little bit that i try to pour into my unsaved friends’ lives enough?

    will any of it ever be enough?

    what am i really supposed to be doing here?

  • http://simply-rea.blogspot.com Rea

    Thank you for pouring your heart into your posts, for being there and letting us enter in to what you are feeling and seeing.

    And know that even if some of us can’t click on the link right away to sponsor a child our hearts are breaking for them and we are trying to find a way. It may not always be through sponsorship, maybe its a one time gift, maybe we’ve decided to focus on a different part of the world. But your posts ARE igniting a passion to help. You are making a difference.

    • http://hereisthechurch.wordpress.com Allie

      Well said – my thoughts exactly.

  • Ruth

    I started with your ‘Father forgive me’ post, since I hadn’t been following, and then went and caught up from the beginning. Now I am sitting in my library trying not to cry because it is in public (and because I too have fought to ‘have a thicker skin’ so that people will stop calling me ‘too sensitive’ and so I will stop getting hurt).
    THANK YOU for sharing. Thank you for not looking away, for not shutting down. Thank you for letting us see not only what you are seeing, but how it is affecting you. Part of the reason I want to cry is because I want so very much to help, but I have Seasonal Affective Disorder (basically the lack of light in the winter messes with the chemicals in my brain and I get depressed) and am still trying to dig my way out of the financial and emotional pit I got into this past year.
    Part of that is being willing and able to feel again, even when it hurts because I can do nothing physically for these children. But I can pray, and I can share your pain, and I can say thank you for putting your words out here to touch my life.

  • Donna

    Elizabeth, what you are doing is amazing. You are braver than me.

    It is hard to see the pain in the world, knowing there is SO MUCH need from just round the corner to all the way to Africa and Bolivia… and what I have to offer is so pitifully small. How do I divide up the little that I have between the many, many needs that I know of? How do I decide who gets the cup of water that is all I have to offer, knowing that whoever does get it, millions of others go thirsty?

    We already sponsor a little boy in Brazil, but because of your posts from Bolivia I am thinking about what I can juggle to be able to sponsor another child. I have so much… I have been so richly blessed, surely there’s somewhere I can fit another of these precious little souls into our budget and hearts :)

  • Lily

    Elizabeth,

    It took me a while to get to a post that I could send you a message! Thank you for allowing God to take you to Bolivia! Thank you for opening your heart! God is doing great things! Thank you for sharing tonight on the live chat!

    Keep your heart open … God will let you know what he desires …. Just be open to him!

    Thank you!

    Lily

  • Maggie Dee

    Thank you Elizabeth. Our family sponsors a child in Guatemala but in a sense I have been looking away because I haven’t taken the time to personally connect with that little girl through letters. I guess in my mind I didn’t think I could take on one more person needing something from me emotionally right now. But really it’s just about me not wanting to really, really think about what these children are going through. Not wanting to open up my heart to connect with so much pain. If I really stop to think about it, it’s just too overwhelming. Being a “too sensitive” person I think has caused me to shut down just a little.

    I’m like the above commenter who lays awake at night thinking about my blessings and knowing right then at that very moment there are women/children being abused. It surprises me really that there aren’t more passages in the Bible that say “Jesus wept.” How the heck did he come here and see all our brokenness and not just weep and weep?

    So, thank you Elizabeth. Because of your open, honest posts I’m going to risk opening up my heart some more and write those letters.

  • Jenny Rebecca

    I would love to sponsor one of Pablo’s children. Is there any way to find them through the website?

    • http://www.elizabethesther.com elizabeth

      I will look this up for you and email you as soon as i know. thanks, Jenny!

  • http://anditisherethatwedance.blogspot.com/ ramona

    Hi, Elizabeth… I found my way here through Calah (Barefoot & Pregnant). I am so glad that you use use your words, and so humbled by how you do so. You make me want to dig even deeper to find ways to do more… and we will… Bolivia is now in a more prominent place on our radar, and we’ll be praying for discernment on how to respond. I’ve added your blog to my blogroll, so I hope more people find their way here.

    Besides in our own life and what we do locally, our hearts live in Africa… through World Vision, on a yearly basis, we sponsor a little girl the same age as our daughter, we provide funding to reclaim child soldiers, we provide farming equipment and supplies for 12 families, we provide educational funding for three additional girls, we provide money for treatment for sexually exploited children, and we have a share in building a school. I don’t list this here for any reason other than to witness to other readers that A LOT is possible with comparatively little. We are not rich people… we are a one income family with a salary well below six figures.

    Ten years ago we lived very selfishly, and we rarely looked beyond our own needs and wants. Our Bishop began to gently challenge us to really consider our stewardship… and even though Catholics don’t usually think in terms of tithing, we began to work toward this goal. Little by little, we grew in both our awareness and our sense of stewardship and discipleship. And it’s ironic… we find that the more we give away, the more we have to give away (we have to increase our giving yearly to honour the commitment to tithe)… I’m still trying to work out how this happens. We also discover we need less all the time. Our goal is to eventually provide a well for a village and build a school all on our own.

    Thanks, again, for sharing your heart… mine has grown bigger in the sharing. I’ll have the people to whom you’ve introduced me and their needs in my prayers.

    • Agnes

      Wow Ramona. Thank you so much for listing what CAN be done. I struggle with feeling that I CAN’T do anything with the little I have, because I’m just one person. Yet, look at this list. Imagine if we all did that?! And so, so many of us CAN! I’m going to print that out as inspiration!

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