Mike & Debi Pearl and the cognitive dissonance of “Biblical” child-training

Posted on August 17, 2011 by elizabeth

There is a serious sickness in the Christian, fundamentalist sub-culture. You know it when you hear Michael Pearl say in the same breath that yes, a 7 year old deserves 10-15 “licks” for one act of misbehavior but no, the Pearl books have nothing to do with the spanking deaths of children like Lydia Schatz.

My therapist has a name for this. It’s called cognitive dissonance. It happens when a teacher, pastor or person in authority advocates abusive methods while simultaneously recusing themselves from the actual, direct results of that abuse.

Here’s an example from my own childhood inside fundamentalism (this is a direct quote from a teacher who exerted significant teaching control over many in our church):

If a wife is out of control, a husband is justified in slapping her to help her snap out of it. However, we are not responsible for domestic violence.

Can you see the sickness?

Parents should spank their children 10-15 times per episode of disobedience. However, if parents abuse their children, that’s not our fault.

Sadly, many Christians buy into this line of thinking and defend the Pearls. Look, they say, the Pearl principles are solid and “Biblical.” If a parent misuses these principles, well, that’s the parents’ fault.

I would like to know which part of spanking a five month old baby is a sound Christian principle? Which part of 10-15 “licks” per act of disobedience is a Christ-honoring method of discipline?

And here’s the other part of the sickness: The “Good Fruit” Defense.

Well, Pearl-defenders say, I know people who used the Pearl’s books successfully and responsibly! And their kids turned out great!

Here’s my super profound response to that: so what?

SO WHAT?!

So what if some kids turn out great? Kids survive abusive childhoods all the time and turn out “fine.” Kids turning out “fine” after being raised in The Pearl Way does not change the fact that the Pearl Way is abusive.

I’m GLAD when kids turn out “fine” after being spanked thousands of times throughout their childhood. But the reality is that many, many children do NOT turn out “fine.” Some end up dead. Some drag the heavy weight of trauma into their adult years. Some of them (myself included) go through years of therapy to try and understand and reconcile the Abuse In the Name of God that we witnessed firsthand.

When Mike Pearl says he’s never met a well-adjusted child who WASN’T spanked, what this should show us is how few people he’s met and how limited his experience is. But instead, Pearl defenders jump all over this “evidence” and act as if it’s some profound epiphany. See? See? ALLLLL well-adjusted, happy children are spanked!

The blindness is just baffling. Why, WHY are Christians so quick to defend their own? When we see sickness in our community, we MUST cast it out! Why do you think this story is now getting secular media coverage?

BECAUSE CHRISTIANS HAVEN’T HAD THE GUTS TO STAND UP TO THE PEARLS!

I honestly believe that when Christians refuse to root out sin among their own, God allows that sin to be broadcasted from the rooftops.

For some of us, this reckoning has been a long time coming.

update: if you have pro-Pearl comments to make, there are plenty of places on the Internet to do that. But I’m not allowing those comments here on my blog. This blog is a safe place for people who have been hurt and out of respect for US, I’m not going to waste one more minute of my life, time or energy arguing with those of you who who want to hijack my comment box as your own personal pro-Pearl soapbox. Carry on.

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  • http://incongruouscircumspection.blogspot.com Incongruous Circumspection

    Spot on. I have had discussions with people about spanking in general.

    My favorite comment or quote I saw was the following:

    “So…if I train my children using a different method than spanking, and they turn out fine, should I just swat them on the butt half a dozen times for “Biblical” insurance?”

    When you think about it, the crux of the issue is the lie that the cause and effect of spanking and good children, respectively, has permeated Christian circles to the extent that it isn’t even questioned anymore.

  • Hope V.

    I agree with this article whole-heartedly. I was abused as a child by a mother who thought “spanking” was what she did when she was in a hysterical rage with anything she could get her hands on from a hairbrush to a wooden spoon to a shoe or belt. Deluded is the only word I can call it. Sadly I spanked my oldest when she was little out of temper and ignorance and my own inadequacy as a parent but it was never anything like what my mother did to me. I can only thank the Lord for his faithfulness in waking me up to my behavior and that he was able to heal mistakes made toward my daughter and our relationship and to help heal me from the scars of my own abuse. I can only pray that “Christians” stop spouting approval of these heinous behaviors and that the Holy Spirit would convict them of their error.

  • http://Gubeltrut.Wordpress.com Rachel McAdams

    As a well-adjusted adult who has healthy relationships whose father was an emotionally abusive alcoholic who never laid a hand on me that I can recall and an amazing mother who spanked me *maybe* four times my entire life, I’d like to say that since I’m fine, without corporal punishment, I would like to meet this man who says I don’t exist. That is all. :)

    • Joslyn

      Your comment almost exactly describes my childhood! The alcoholic father stuff did require some therapy for self-esteem issues, and I go to ACA meetings, but I have healthy adult relationships. Guess I don’t exist either.

    • http://faithfamilyandlifeexploration.blogspot.com/ Claire

      I apparently don’t exist either. I was a very well-adjusted, extremely well behaved child. I was never spanked – save perhaps one incidence that lives on only in the fuzzy memory of my mother, but she’s not even sure if she actually spanked me. My brother and sister, also well adjusted, well behaved children, weren’t spanked either.

      And my kids obviously don’t exist. My what lovely little fiments of my imagination they are. Do I have perfect children? Well, no. But I do get compliments on their behavior and manners. My boys (who are old enough to be in school) rarely have any disciplinary problems at school either, mostly running to the “chatty” category. But overall, they’re good, well adjusted, well behaved kids. Who aren’t spanked.

      Between the Pearl method and my must-be-imaginary kids, I’ll take my little figments.

      • http://www.walkingtochina.blogspot.com Sandy

        Also not spanked and not a spanker. We seem to have turned out relatively normally, love the Lord and serve him overseas. I wonder how much better I would have been if I had gotten some “licks.”

  • http://www.annettemargaret.com Annette

    I love this post. Their lack of rational reasoning in these situations shows how backwards their method of discipline is. It’s so easy to dismantle their arguments just by simple questioning.

    And I agree with Rachel, I don’t want to say I’m perfect or anything but I think I adjusted to society quite easily without spanking! I’d like to have a talk with Michael Pearl and let him know I exist, too!

  • http://www.ericpazdziora.com Eric

    The cognitive dissonance gets even worse– In the exact quote, Michael Pearl describes how he’d hit a child repeatedly with a belt to teach him that “violence is not accepted in society.” Way to teach by example.

    It’s worth adding that there are certainly some Christians speaking out pretty forcefully against the Pearls’ doctrinal blasphemies — Tulipgirl is one good example. Of course, what we need is not just scattered websites but unified voices making it clear to everyone that Christians renounce this doctrine because we follow Jesus and people who laugh at the death of children don’t.

  • http://Www.virginiaisformothers.com Elizabeth@Virginia Is For Mothers

    Oh yeah, even from someone who believes that spanking CAN have a place in parental discipline, they are way out crazy!! There is way more wrong with the Pearls’ teachings than JUST their position on corporal punishment. I’ve blogged about their insanity a few times to warn parents away from them.

  • Angelina Littrell

    I love your comment… “so what”. Perfect response. Thankfully my parents suscribed just enough but not too much to the spanking movement. They were smart enough to see that when they spanked me it destroyed my spirit, not my will, but my spirit. I remember my feelings being crushed that my mom would spank me. So my parents utilized other methods for disciplining me. And thank God they did. I would love to hear your response to Debi’s book Created to be his help meet where Debi basically blames the wife for having an extra marital affair, or who says the wife should love her husband and stay with him even when he is beating her. The Pearl’s will have their day in God’s court. And what a day of rejoicing that will be.

    • http://www.virginiaisformothers.com Elizabeth @Virginia Is For Mothers

      That book is also weird…how about the part where Debi suggests that a wife turn in her husband for sexually abusing their children and then TAKE THE KIDS FOR A VISIT because that’s the best way for them to “heal”? The Pearls are very bizarre.

  • http://stitchinguptheseams.wordpress.com/ Stitching Seams

    @Lori…yikes. That is all.

    A friend of mine wrote an excellent extremely thorough analysis of the book, for any who would like to read it. He systematically goes through what they teach, what Scriptures they cite, what their theological beliefs are, where there is obvious Scriptural error, etc – it’s well worth your time. http://biblearchive.com/blog/2010/apologetics/to-train-up-a-child-an-examination-of-the-pearl-method/

  • http://www.createdtobehis.com becky

    EE, that was my thought exactly when M.Pearl said he’d never met a well-adjusted child who wasn’t spanked. Exactly how often does he socialize with non-spankers? Probably never! All this proves is exactly what you pointed out–his social circle must be very small.

  • http://bunkersdown.com Ami

    Nothing says, “Violence is not accepted in society” like hitting a child with plumbing tubing. Right?

  • Jack

    Yes, Proverbs says, “Spare the rod and spoil the child.”

    But John was told in Revelation to take a rod and measure the Temple, not beat it.

    And the Psalmist never sang, “Thy rod and thy staff, they BEAT me.”

    Obviously, Proverbs is talking about holding children to consistent standards, not corporal punishment.

    • Tikatu

      Actually, the Bible doesn’t say that. It’s a line from the epic poem, “Hudibras”.

  • Jack

    May I point out that there is no such word as “help meet”?

    Nor is this an archaic form of the non-word “helpmate.”

    It’s a mondegreen (look it up) caused by a misreading of Genesis 2:18 KJV. “Meet” in this context is an ADJECTIVE, not a noun. It means “fitting, proper, suitable,” as in the old liturgical response, “It is meet and right so to do.”

    This egregious solecism should demonstrate what great Bible scholars the Pearls are.

    • http://www.elizabethesther.com elizabeth

      TRUTH!!! BOOM SHAKA LAKA!!!

  • http://somewiseguy.com ThatGuyKC

    “I honestly believe that when Christians refuse to root out sin among their own, God allows that sin to be broadcasted from the rooftops.”

    Amen!!

    I spank my kids, but only if it is a serious offense (rarely) and even then only once or twice. What the Pearls are spreading is sick.

  • Dana K

    The Pearls are seriously scary. Too many people buy into their abusive tactics. Thank you for a very well-written post about them & their methods.

  • http://heathershodgepodge.blogspot.com Heather’s Hodgepodge

    I guess I’m another who doesn’t exist. I grew up in a fundamentalist church, but my Yankee parents never spanked me. I did have to write out many verses of Scripture, though…
    Sadly, the Pearls aren’t the only ones advocating extreme corporal punishment. They are perhaps more extreme in terms of how many “licks” a child receives, but I know of at least 2 other parenting “experts” who advocate spanking for every offense, and also making the child recite what Bible verse they “broke” by their offense. IMHO, there is no greater way to warp a child’s perception of God than to couple Bible memorization with spanking.
    Likewise, the skewed marital advice that the Pearls promote is not the only source that blames the wife for her husband’s infidelity. The Christian community at large seems to suffer from an imbalance of either too much law or too much grace.

  • Rebecca

    Thank you for writing this. I come from an evangelical background and the Pearls are not the first of their kind in that world. They are just the currently accepted but self appointed ‘experts’ so many turn to. (along with the Maxwell’s and the Growing Kids God’s Way crowd) Its not just their parenting sickness, its their self appointed arrogance and false doctrine in every other area. How the Pearls view the role and existence of women is vile. This is what happens when we decide we can decipher scripture to suit our own whims, rather than rely on what was always taught and remains unchanged.

  • chick

    YES YES YES!!!!!! Pardon me while I rip my shirt off and dance on the table, YES!!! Everything in this post needs to be shouted from the rooftops.

    How many atheists have the Pearls created… not wanting anything to do with this “god” who says that love is pain and violence is kindness?

    I was beaten – excuse me, “biblically spanked” for 17 years by my mother, who still sees nothing wrong with what she did and who was determined that I do the same, who did everything she could to bully me into beating – excuse me, “biblically spanking”, my own children. Now we have no relationship, and we never will. I will protect my children from her at all costs. I hope the satisfaction she gained from taking out her frustrations with her fists was worth it to her.

  • http://faithandfood.morizot.net/ Scott Morizot

    I’ll note that it’s hardly just the Pearls or those at the extremes. Early in my days as a Christian, I remember somebody singing the praises of Dobson. I skimmed his “Strong-Willed Child” and was horrified. And Focus on the Family is much more “mainstream”. Between my experiences and helping my older son recover abuse, most of the times I remember either leaving a church service or shaking with rage in one was related to this topic.

    People who learn about the breadth and range of my childhood experiences are usually amazed that I’m not more “scarred” or “damaged.” (Not that many ever hear very much.) /shrug My wife certainly is continually amazed. (My childhood experience doesn’t have the slightest relationship to the “Christian” discipline movement. It was … interesting for entirely different reasons.) But I really am mostly fine. Lord knows I was evaluated to death during the years-long custody case for my son. Children are remarkably resilient — except when they aren’t. And the places and ways they aren’t are different for every person. And it’s a tragedy for every human being broken by those who should have provided love and comfort. So as you say, the fact that some end up “fine” as adults does not prove causation — or even correlation.

    This also ignores everything we have learned about human psychology. One of the examples I have heard people use is the classic “teaching a toddler not to run into the street” example. You have to hit them to make them understand. Since that’s used so often, psychologists actually set up controlled studies to test the idea. They had parents and toddlers outside. One group spanked their toddlers/young pre-schoolers when they ran into the street. The other group told them not to do so and when they did told them it was wrong, reminded them or the rule, and ended outside playtime, taking the child inside or restricting them to the garage or a playpen. Within a pretty short period of time, the latter group almost never ran into the street. If they got close they would stop and correct themselves. The kids who were spanked show no improvement and may have actually gotten worse. (Been a long time since I read the studies.)

    Basically it confirmed other more general studies in that specific application. Violence or the threat of violence typically does have an immediate, short-term effect and can induce immediate compliance. However, it generally has no long-term positive impact on behavior and more often than not has a negative impact on desired behavior (again over the long-term).

    But as with so many things, facts actually have less impact on what people believe and the way they act than we often tend to assume.

    • http://downtoearthwomen.blogspot.com/ Tracey

      The difference between Mike Pearl and James Dobson is that Mike Pearl has *no* training in child development nor does he hold any degrees in any kind of human development at all.

      Dr. James Dobson is a child psychologist and well versed in what behavior is appropriate for any given age and what is not. He does advocate spanking ( or did in his older publications, I haven’t read anything that he’s written in probably the last 10 years or so.) in a very controlled and in limited circumstances and clearly defines what they are. He has said repeatedly that he does not believe in spanking babies and that a child who bites at 2 years old is to be treated much differently than a child who bites at 4 years old, for instance.

      Whether or not you agree with Dobson does not negate his expertise in the field and he certainly cannot be compared to Mike and Debi Pearl.

      • http://downtoearthwomen.blogspot.com/ Tracey

        Another thought…he also teaches about knowing the difference between childish irresponsibility and defiance. A kid spilling their milk for the 10th time is not being defiant. They’re being childish…which is appropriate. The thing to do is to NOT spank, but give that kid a sippy cup for crying out loud!

  • http://www.sundayschoolrebel.typepad.com Sam

    I couldn’t even watch the video from CNN. I watched the first minute or so and just had to turn it off. I can’t imagine. My heart goes out to those whose parents were so blinded by false teaching that they essentially shut off their parenting instincts. Hitting a baby? How could EVER do such a thing?

  • Theresa Foley

    What I found very disquieting is that Mike and Debi Pearl display a total lack of emotion in the CNN interview. Do they not care that a child is dead, beaten to death through the corporal punishment methods they advocate? Where is the sorrow and the remorse? Are they not concerned that their methods of discipline could cause death or serious injury to a child? If they were concerned, they would use the interview on national television for clarification. Mike and Debi Pearl are the wolves in sheep’s clothing that the Bible warns believers about.

    • http://downtoearthwomen.blogspot.com/ Tracey

      Excatly what I thought. This is also what I think when I read of his comments about his “laughing.” Has he *no* worry about his accountability in this? What about the passage in the Bible that refers to teachers being held accountable for what they teach? Does this escape him?

  • James

    Elizabeth, this is NOT a pro-Pearl comment in any way, what they did is sickening and disgusting. I am also very sorry for what happened to you in your childhood. I do have a question though, do you believe that anyone who spanks their children in any circumstance is wrong or “in sin”

    • http://www.elizabethesther.com elizabeth

      No, I don’t believe that EVERY parent who occasionally or rarely spanks their child is in sin. I’ve seen spanking used appropriately. But that’s not the issue, here. What I am protesting here is the systematic, repetitive chastisement method endorsed by the Pearls. There is a difference.

      • James

        Okay, I thought so… just wanted to clarify. I agree whole-heartedly. Spanking can be used appropriately but like everything in the hands of sinners can be abused horribly as this horrible incident proves.

        • http://faithandfood.morizot.net/ Scott Morizot

          I don’t equate it at all with “sin” but I certainly believe every parent who spanks their children is “wrong” in the sense of ill-informed and making a sub-optimal decision.

          Sin enters into the equation when the violence is for the benefit (acknowledged or not) of the parent, perhaps in the form of a ruling passion, or when it is deliberately used in an attempt to “break the will” of the child as Dobson, the Pearls, and their ilk advocate.

          • http://www.elizabethesther.com elizabeth

            I agree, Scott. I don’t think spanking is the best option and especially since it can be so easily become abuse. However, it should be noted that the kind of corporeal punishment most Americans think of (the rare slap on the bottom) is a WORLD AWAY from the systematic, repetitive method advocated by the Pearls.

        • http://faithandfood.morizot.net/ Scott Morizot

          Spanking is never wise or the best option. Ever. It just isn’t always particularly harmful, especially if infrequent and in an environment with lots of love and appropriate discipline.

          • James

            I think the book of Wisdom (Proverbs) would contradict that spanking when done correctly is not wise…

          • http://faithandfood.morizot.net/ Scott Morizot

            Curious to call Proverbs “Wisdom” when the Christian OT has a book of Wisdom. Regardless, as others have noted, that’s a poor interpretation of the two verses in Proverbs anyway. It’s certainly not how the Rabbis, even before the time of Christ, interpreted them — which begs the question of how Christ interpreted them. There’s certainly no indication that he disagreed with the common rabbinical teaching of his day on that particular matter. If anything, his interaction with children seemed to if anything take it a step farther.

            Me? I think I’ll pay more attention to the way Jesus acted and taught than a poor, modern misinterpretation of two verses in Proverbs. That’s especially true given that all modern science and controlled studies contradict that misinterpretation of the Holy Scriptures.

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  • http://www.seekingfaithfulnessblog.blogspot.com Holly

    I thought the same things upon watching the videos, EE. That, and, I’m simply horrified at the pictures that they COULD show of the poor little girl that was beaten. What a horrible, horrible thing this is.

  • Valerie

    I’ve read the book. My main problem with it is the fundamental assumption that children are predominantly sinful and that spanking is the only way to train them out of it. There is a fear behind their thinking, too, that if you don’t use their methods you are essentially ruining your child for life and certainly raising a hell-bent kid. I would say that the majority of parents who use this method are far from abusive and attempt to use it in a loving manner. The problem with this is that it is FAR too easily taken to the extreme as has been sickeningly shown. This is why I would never promote this material and see it as inherently flawed.

    In fact, I felt sick in the stomach at the thought of smacking babies. Just. No. Words.

    We have been studying Proverbs and, interestingly, have yet to find any ‘proof’ that smacking a child is ok. Also, WHY is there not ONE mention of it as a form of training in the New Testament? Wouldn’t there be *something*, at least? N.O.T.H.I.N.G. Just very interesting to us.

    I am of the camp that the occasional smack is not necessarily a bad thing but I am becoming more and more convinced that it is not a valid form of child training.

  • http://www.ayoungmomsmusings.blogspot.com Young Mom

    It is not just the Pearls either. Dobson, Ted Tripp, Elizabeth Krueger, Roy Lessin, Reb Bradley, and more advocate smacking your kid for most offenses to get compliance. All of these authors insist that they are describing the “right way” to spank. I would argue that if you have to defend this to the hilt and give that many explanations for how to do it without being abusive, the whole practice is harmful, period.

    http://ayoungmomsmusings.blogspot.com/2011/01/spanking-and-trust.html

    http://ayoungmomsmusings.blogspot.com/2011/08/decision-that-changed-my-life.html

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  • Melissa

    Good for you for putting this out there! It needs to be said!

  • Joeyc051

    I’m a Christian,  Home school  dad, who feels that people like this is what’s wrong with the church today.  The bible is the only book we need for everything.  No denominations,  man made opinions, and self help books.   My kids are very , naturaly happy,  well adjusted,  very sociable and believe and trust the Lord for everything  from within themsleves, not by any force .  I never hit or spank or yell at my kids,  that’s not God’s love.   teaching children right from wrong and making them aware of God’s presence works the best . 

  • KatR

    “…there are few men who are so cruel and violent that even when the wife is a proper help meet, he will still physically abuse her or the children. In such cases, it would be the duty of the wife to alert the authorities so that they might become the arm of the Lord to do justice.”

    I mean, if the wife isn’t getting the laundry done or keeping the house clean, then it would be understandable if her husband socked her in the face, right? And mommy better have dinner on the table on time, or daddy will beat the kids. It’s what Jesus would do.

    Yes, that’s sarcasm. Do you not see the sick message that this gives to women? That if they just learned how to be a better wife, they could stop abuse? The only person responsible for abuse is the ABUSER. End of story.

  • http://stitchinguptheseams.wordpress.com/ Stitching Seams

    EXACTLY this. Thank you.

  • KatR

    I should probably say that this was in response to a comment that’s no longer here. I wasn’t talking to myself. Although, technically, I am now.

  • http://faithfamilyandlifeexploration.blogspot.com/ Claire

    Agreed, wholeheartedly. I have a dear friend who has suffered in an abusive relationship for many years and sadly, one of her pastor’s wives recommended this book to her. Sigh. This message has been heard by her in more ways than just the book – she was “counseled” by her old pastor and his wife in ways that implied she is to blame for her husband’s abuse and that she needs to “deal with her sin” that is causing it.

    This type of thinking makes me want to bang my head against my desk.

  • http://www.elizabethesther.com elizabeth

    I kept your comment because I thought it was a point that needed to be made even WITHOUT the other comment. Pretty much your response was Brilliant. With a capital “B.”