A Husband’s Guide To Getting Laid (by his wife, OF COURSE! sheesh, what kind of blog do you think this IS?!)

While I’m doing my best to be all sparkly and network-y at the blog conference, I’ve asked KC of “Some Wise Guy” to guest post for me. KC is a legit dude and makes me laugh. I likes his straight-up, manly-man humor. So, before you ladies get all inflammatory on his ass, just do as I do and chuckle a little. Men are….different, y’know? xo. EE.

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If husbands could summarize how we feel about sex in one word it would be… more. We want more sex with our wives.

And why not?
 It’s naked, legal, healthy and God made it fun. (Thank you, Jesus!)

But there’s a catch: sex is a different experience for men than it is for women. I’ve heard it said that women tend to be more emotionally and mentally stimulated while men are more visually stimulated. This is due to the fact that we men simply don’t have enough blood in our bodies to form a complex thought when our beloved is beside us wearing nothing but her birthday suit.

The challenge for men is that, while we want more sex with our wives, sometimes we don’t know how to make our dreams a reality.

So, here are 5 foolproof tips I dare you to try:

  1. Do chores. Say what? KC, have you been watching Friends reruns? (Actually, I own the entire series on DVD). Women are mental multitaskers. If you don’t want her thinking about the garbage while you’re trying to put on the moves, remember to take out the trash before it starts overflowing. Bonus points if you do chores without being asked.
  2. Buy “just because” flowers (or candy). Of course, it’s expected that you’d shower your wife with tokens of affection on major holidays, her birthday and your anniversary (if you forget those, get ready to turn in your balls). But if you really want to make her swoon, pick up some of her favorite flowers or candy on a random Tuesday and write “just because” in the card. You can thank me later.
  3. Make out (without expectation). Every time you kiss her, she shouldn’t have to wonder if sex is all you want. I’m not saying we men would argue against that, but ya know what? Sometimes it’s really nice to just sit on the couch and kiss my sweetheart. $5 says your wife won’t complain and it might lead to more “opportunity.”
  4. Go on dates. Wives work, cook, clean and are beautiful to boot. Show your appreciation by taking her out on the town for a good time. Whether that’s a peaceful candlelight dinner or a karaoke at a dive bar, treat her special.
  5. Say “I love you” out loud and often. Women need to know in their minds and hearts that their man loves them–and he’s not just saying he loves her to get her into bed. Husbands should communicate their love through action and words.

Now, before the comments explode into flames berating me as a chauvinist pig let me ask the ladies a question:

If your husband..

•                Did chores around the house without being asked

•                Brought home your favorite flowers on a random Thursday

•                Kissed you long and hard without tearing off your clothes

•                Took you out on fancy and fun dates

•                Said “I love you” and acted it out daily….

would you want to jump him more often?

  • KatR

    So, don’t be an a–hole, basically. I can get on board with that.

  • MB

    the most important of these for me is the making out without expectation. i hate feeling the pressure that a kiss is not just a kiss. i just want a kiss at 3pm. that’s all. i. have. time. for. if  you’re just going to make sad puppy dog eyes when it’s just a kiss at 3pm, i’d rather not kiss you at all. for example.

  • http://www.faithpermeatinglife.com Jessica @ FaithPermeatingLife

    Amen! I am happy to be married to a man who does all these things. He went to an all-boys Catholic school where one of his teachers explained all of this to them, and I am super grateful for it!

  • Beth

    What about a lady who has a higher sex drive than her husband?  Any advice for me people? :)  It’s not that he has a super low sex drive, it’s just that I would be up for five days a week romps, where he is quite happy with two.  Anything I read though assumes that the man is the one who would like to get jumped more often…which I realize is more common.  I feel like a freak with my high libido.

  • Beth

    What about a lady who has a higher sex drive than her husband?  Any advice for me people? :)  It’s not that he has a super low sex drive, it’s just that I would be up for five days a week romps, where he is quite happy with two.  Anything I read though assumes that the man is the one who would like to get jumped more often…which I realize is more common.  I feel like a freak with my high libido.

  • http://somewiseguy.com ThatGuyKC

    Precisely. This post could’ve also been titled “How to make your wife happy”. 

  • http://somewiseguy.com ThatGuyKC

    On behalf of men everywhere, we hate your husband. :)

    Does the fool turn you down? Or is he aware of your high libido. We dudes can be pretty dense sometimes. Taking cues isn’t our strongest suit.

  • http://somewiseguy.com ThatGuyKC

    Amen! Sounds like you landed a good one.

  • http://www.arnyslight.wordpress.com Arnyslight

    Dude! That was awesome!…LMBO! Sooo funny…

    I would add one to the list…

    Don’t say perverted things! (keep it to yourself)

    when she gets up from the couch after lying there watching some night tv with you…

    don’t say…

    “Dang girl, shake dat booty for me!”

    it will get you no where.

    lol…

    Tip Top KC. A-Game Material…

  • http://somewiseguy.com ThatGuyKC

    Great point. Timing is a big deal. That’s why a good kiss at 3pm can mean a lot.

  • http://somewiseguy.com ThatGuyKC

    I think the gangsta slang has to fit the situation, but good advice nonetheless. :) haha

  • http://www.betachristian.net Moe

    Ha! Love it. 

    I’m super spiritual so I printed this verse and blew it up and put it on the headboard: 

    “The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.”

    BOOM! Get laid all the time. :)~

  • http://www.arnyslight.wordpress.com Arnyslight

    we all have a secret little freaky gansta in us!!! HA! lol…

  • http://somewiseguy.com ThatGuyKC

    HAHA!! That’s awesome. Did you frame it or just use duct tape?

  • http://somewiseguy.com ThatGuyKC

    And some of us are “white-er” than others. :)

  • http://thehomespunlife.com Sisterlisa

    Yep! And that’s how it is here at my house. :) …I could use flowers more often though. ;)

  • Beth

    He does turn me down sometimes, but mostly I ask a lot less often then I would like to, which kinda leaves me feeling like I’m always wishing for more of that type of closeness.

    We have talked about my higher drive often, but his issue is that he worries about approaching sex with me in the wrong way, as nothing more than sex.  He has a rather speckled past, so he is very careful that he has sex with me in the right frame of mind–with love and committment, and thoughtfulness for me.  He gets very worried about using me, and treating sex as something less than sacred.  This gives him lots of reasons to turn me down…being too tired, not in the right frame of mind, having had it too recently, etc. 

    I realize that he has some things to work through from his past as part of the issue.  But I have more of the view that if we are both willing and able then sex between us is always sacred and awesome.  But maybe he just needs time?  I don’t know whether to keep being patient and try to resist feeling bitter, or to keep inviting him so to speak.

  • http://somewiseguy.com ThatGuyKC

    Sounds like he’s thinking too hard. Sometimes sex is just for the fun of it. Doesn’t need to be all “right frame of mind” and such.

    If you’re the one initiating he doesn’t need to worry about “using” you because you are asking for it.

    Since you bring up the bitterness I would recommend looking into counseling. I’m not sure what his speckled past is, but if it’s causing a wedge then bitterness can be a dangerous thing.

    Ladies? What do you think?

  • http://somewiseguy.com ThatGuyKC

    Awesome.

    Hopefully you’re good at dropping hints. :)

  • http://www.betachristian.net Moe

    I’m from NYC. Gum!  LOL

  • LarryTheDeuce

    After I do all of that stuff I might be too tired….what am I saying???

  • http://www.downtoearthwomen.blogspot.com Tracey

    And, just a side benefit, when husbands say and do the suggested things, from the beginning of the relationship, it is likely that wives will let most petty grievances go. My husband is very good at the above suggestions and when he does something relatively small that irritates me, I usually let it go and don’t complain about it because it really isn’t important enough to complain about. The man’s not perfect and neither am I, so there’s no reason to shove his face in it when I’m irritated.  In turn, he doesn’t complain either, and Lord knows with me, he’s got plenty to complain about! ;-) 

  • http://www.downtoearthwomen.blogspot.com Tracey

    In all honesty, sometimes it’s FINE to just have the sex and be DONE!!! Not a reflection on my husband, but I don’t always need to have an hour’s worth of lovemaking. A quickie five to ten minute  blast is sometimes fine AND preferable so I can get on with other things, like sleeping or the laundry! I’m seriously NOT insulted. If it were like that all the time, it’d be different, but it not….it’s accommodating each other and recognizing there’s life going on around you that needs tending to as well. 

  • http://somewiseguy.com ThatGuyKC

    Brace yourself. I’m about to smack you upside the head.

  • http://somewiseguy.com ThatGuyKC

    Setting the standard early is great. Glad to hear y’all have a healthy give and take. Some couples forget they’re on the same team.

  • http://somewiseguy.com ThatGuyKC

    Nice. We have a whole gum wall alley in Seattle. Google it.

  • http://jonstolpe.wordpress.com Jon Stolpe

    Great post!  I love what happens in the blog world.  KC, great tips for sure.  I know I could do a whole lot better on many of these items.

  • Lara

    Yes.

  • http://somewiseguy.com ThatGuyKC

    Thank you, Jon.

    Becoming the best man for our wives is a journey. They appreciate the big and little things.

  • http://somewiseguy.com ThatGuyKC

    Feel free to forward to him ;)

  • http://twitter.com/BohemianBowman Jessica Bowman

    Who has two thumbs and loves points 3 and 5?

    THIS girl.

  • http://somewiseguy.com ThatGuyKC

    Now the trick is to make sure HE knows. Feel free to forward this to your man. It’s written by a guy so he’s safe.

  • Jen

    Beth I was about to say the same thing; I always shake my head when I hear about all these women with low sex drives and wonder where my wires got crossed…

  • http://cindyholman.wordpress.com/ Cindy Holman

    K.C. – you are right on the mark here.  Those work for me ALL the time :)  A good long back rub doesn’t hurt either ;)

  • Darcy

    This post made me LOL. :D The comments are pretty funny too.  
    Vacuuming is a real turn-on. A husband that vacuums without being asked is hard to keep one’s hands off of. ;) 

  • Scott Morizot

    I tend to find cliched things like this irritating. KatR’s ‘don’t be an a-hole’ pretty much captures it and it’s a pretty pitifully low standard. And in my experience, the whole men are visually stimulated and women emotionally and mentally stimulated thing? BS. Everything from Lady’s Night with the male strippers to the covers of romance novels to the rates of female porn consumption puts the lie to the idea that women aren’t visually stimulated. And studies have shown men tend to be seeking emotional connection.

    And sex itself? It seems to me that the truth is that both men and women enjoy sex and if you aren’t having sex (for reasons other than health issues or something similar) it’s probably a sign that something’s out of joint somewhere.

  • http://faithandfood.morizot.net Scott Morizot

    Hmmm. I’ll also note I study history, so I recognize just how culturally conditioned these idea about male/female attitudes toward sex really are.

  • A leetle offended

    Yeaah…in our marriage, this would be the opposite. Silly clichés aren’t just silly, they can be harmful. Am I supposed to think there’s something wrong with both of us because I’m the visual one, I’m the one who wants sex all the time and my husband needs a lot more lead up to be interested?

  • Tammy

    I havent read all the comments, but my biggest suggestions are to help her out with finishing the days tasks so that she can get in the bed at a decent time then get in WITH her at the same time. If you try to catch the last 20 minutes of the game (dont those teams play each other every year?) you may find her asleep. 

    Having a husband crawl into bed  (having made everything besides getting in bed at the same time a priority) and trying to wake you up to have sex knowing that he may get annoyed if he isnt successful is a very deflating experience and NOT a turn-on for anyone I know. 

    Also, moms of young children literally run ALL DAY and they are simply tired. Please dont think that your sex life is dead…life comes in seasons and eras…when the kids are old enough to occupy themselves and not suck your will to live, you will have lots of time to reignite that fire. 

  • http://www.ayoungmomsmusings.blogspot.com Melissa@PermissiontoLive

    I’m with KatR, Don’t be a D*** is a good place to start. As for the rest of this, I find most of the cliche christian books on what a woman likes and what a guy likes in the bedroom was pretty delusional, didn’t help my marriage at all. I will add that all the vacuuming and flower-bringing and soulful kissing and dating taking and I love you saying can’t beat a happy smile and a hug. And I happen to like it when my guy rips my clothes off, so I guess it really depends on the individual person and the couple. So my advice would be scratch the to-do list and communicate openly with each other about what you like/enjoy/look forward too.

  • Deej

    Making sure the wife is enjoying sex is key.  Like really enjoying it.  If she only ‘thinks’ she’s enjoying it then she’s not, if you catch my drift. 

  • Lucie

    I’m neither married nor sexually active, but upon reading this type of advice – which I have before on more than one occasion – the question that always comes to me is, “Ladies, if you know your man is doing all this stuff just so he can get more sex…does that really still float your boat?”  How much nicer it would be if husbands/partners just did these things when they needed doing, and not for a “reward.”  I would have a hard time respecting a man whom I always suspected of having an ulterior motive just for acting like an adult around the house.  Maybe that’s one of the reasons God kept me single!  ;-)

  • Beth

    Yes exactly how I feel!

  • Trina Holden

    i don’t care WHY he vacuums – and if it’s a not so subtle hint that he wants to party later, that turns me on. :)

  • http://evenonesparrow.blogspot.com even one sparrow

    Yo, doing chores is no joke!  It may be weird or whatever, but it TOTALLY makes me melt when my husband cleans the house as a surprise.

  • http://evenonesparrow.blogspot.com even one sparrow

    Yo, doing chores is no joke!  It may be weird or whatever, but it TOTALLY makes me melt when my husband cleans the house as a surprise.

  • Anonymous

    I don’t fit into this scenario at all.  Chores do NOT turn me on.  I pursue intimacy twice as much in our marriage and have no clue what “little favors” would help me get it more.  Where is the post about wives getting more sex from their husbands?

  • Sharon

    Um, no, I don’t want to get naked with some ridiculous, shallow copy of a sitcom husband, thank you very much.
    I like sex as much as my husband does. I don’t have to be bribed into letting him have some, or some such truly disgusting barter system as the one you describe.

    We each initiate sex pretty equally, although it’s really hard to remember who initiated it afterwards. One way or another, one of us will initiate sex 4 – 5 times a week, and that hasn’t changed in 26 years, so…go figure.
    I find these trite, stereotypical venus/mars nonsense things, well, trite and stereotypical.

    What’s wrong with your wife that she doesn’t want to have sex with you so much? Or that she has to make you earn it first somehow? Sounds like she’s either not that into you or she’s a pussy-whipping control freak. My condolences.

  • http://somewiseguy.com ThatGuyKC

    You make a great point about if sex isn’t good or is infrequent that something else is out of joint. Also, I agree that we (men & women) should hold ourselves to a high standard.

    However, plenty of studies show that men tend to be more visually stimulated than women. Is this a perfect formula? No. Are there exceptions? Of course. Men seek an emotional connection and women have physical desires as well. I was just referring to the stronger tendencies.

    It’s a cheeky blog post with good intentions. Not a thesis.

  • http://somewiseguy.com ThatGuyKC

    Hmmm. I’ll also note that I have my MBA, so I recognize just how pretentious you really sound. :)

  • http://somewiseguy.com ThatGuyKC

    Amen. When it comes to happily married sex communication is key. This fun “to-do” list is targeted toward the clueless to get them on the right track.

  • http://somewiseguy.com ThatGuyKC

    There’s nothing wrong with y’all at all. I kind of feel like some wise lady should do a follow up post to this from the opposite perspective.

  • http://somewiseguy.com ThatGuyKC

    Thanks for the confirmation that I’m not crazy. :)

  • http://somewiseguy.com ThatGuyKC

    Hi Aadel (thanks for visiting my blog too),

    I agree. One of you wise ladies needs to write a follow up post from a woman’s perspective.

  • http://somewiseguy.com ThatGuyKC

    Amen. Hope your man gets the hint and your house stays tidy.

  • http://somewiseguy.com ThatGuyKC

    Very sound advice. Thank you for adding that.