Another Dead Child: Hana Grace-Rose Williams, age 13. (Parents owned book “To Train Up a Child”)

I can barely stand to think about this poor little girl.

My deep down fear is that NO number of dead children will get Pearl apologists to stop. I mean, its the will of GOD, right?

I sobbed for hours yesterday.

It’s just so unthinkable, as a parent. I truly understand that children can drive you UP THE WALL – just today we had a standoff with our 4-year-old over a grilled cheese sandwich and it was AWFUL – and to your wit’s end but there are some things that I would never even FATHOM doing, you know? It just goes to show how divided these parents are from their own human instincts, all in trying to instill godliness in their child. I especially don’t understand going to the lengths of adopting children only to mistreat and abuse them. It just blows my mind and breaks my heart. Elizabeth, I know this subject is very near and dear to your heart and I try to speak against the Pearls AND the Ezzos whenever I can. 

Thank you so much. I appreciate you.

I’m really curious about the adoption connection.  Is there a reason I see so many really, really large, homeschooling families adopting children?  Is there some doctrine that equates a large family with being more in God’s favor or something?  Do you think that deep down, these parents did not want to adopt and then held some secret resentment?  I don’t get it.

Personally, I do believe that there was an adoption connection, but that the adoption did not “cause” the abuse.

I think many well-meaning parents go into adoption clueless — have no idea what they are getting themselves into. . . They don’t have a support network or education about adopting a child with attachment issues or an older child who may have experienced abuse as well as abandonment.  They think they can do everything the same as with their bio children. . . and methods such as the Pearls’ may seem to “work” for bio children, but children with previous abuse/attachment issues will respond in the opposite way — hence leading to an escalating of “consequences” and abuse. 

A factor (in my opinion, having talked with both medical and adoption experts) in the Lydia Schatz case, is that her darker skin hid the bruising. . . whereas the parents stopped the whipping sooner with their birth son (who was also abused and was in the lawsuit), the bruising was hidden in Lydia and her sister — thus the rhabdomyolysis, breakdown of the tissues, kidney failure and death.

So. . . yes. . . adoption (imo) did play a role. . . but the underlying philosophy and practices promoted by the Pearls was a much bigger factor.

So horribly sad. Unbelieveable that people could be so devoid of humanity as to do such a thing to her.  And how tragic to have been brought to “a better life” only to be beaten and starved to death.   I am so sad for this little girl.  It just kills me to think about what she experienced, and what she must have been thinking as she was going through this.

However, I want to point out that even those who are not Pearl-followers would do well to think very, very carefully about adoption.  Because she is Ethiopian, this hits very close to home for us.  My husband saw “the other side”, as an Ethiopian who worked closely with missionaries, and that is why he has major issues with the Western practice of adoption.

He saw a young girl devastated when promised a “forever family” and a fabulous life in America, and then was rejected because she was not “grateful enough”, and did not want to play the part of maid/nanny to the two younger children that she was adopted with.
He saw many loving families give up much wanted children to orphanages because that was their only option for giving the child enough food and an education. 

He knew many, many of these families had an entirely different concept of adoption.  To them it was a temporary arrangement, and the assumption was that the child would return to them after their education was completed.

He observed falsely filled forms “certifying” that a child was a true orphan, when they were not, based on the family’s financial need and their misunderstanding about what adoption consisted of.

Yes, our system of adoption creates “orphans”.   And that doesn’t even begin to address situations where there is outright corruption and trafficking.

Imagine the emotional state of any child older than toddlerhood, having been sent away from family “because it’s better there”, and then having to confront severe culture shock, the reality that America is *not* Heaven,  an inability to communicate with the new family, and a requirement to think and act as the actual child of these new, strange people, who seem to think they’re doing something exceptionally noble.

And then of course, the confused child who misses home and family is labeled with one disorder or another, and “treated” for their supposedly misfiring synapses.  Even non-abusive, professional treatment would be upsetting and degrading to someone who has a perfectly rational reason to feel angry and depressed, but just can’t express it.

This is seriously problematic, but rarely comes to light unless adoptive parents do something egregiously stupid (like try to sent the poor kid back, alone), or downright evil.  Once we’re done vomiting in disgust over this situation, and rightfully so, we might want to seriously rethinking adoption as a whole.  Not that it is always a bad thing, because it isn’t.  But perhaps it needs to be approached with more caution, and perhaps there are things that could be done which would help families raise their own children in their own homes.  There is a whole lot of emotional suffering that will not be addressed, otherwise.

You need to educate yourself on the Pearls, as horrid as they are, so you know what they are about when you come across someone who uses the Pearl’s methods in child rearing…..so that you can speak out against it using reason and common sense. 

While your at it, check out the Ezzos. 

OMgolly! Why can’t these ppl be held accountable for what they write?? Sheeze! Enuf is ENUF!!!!

I agree.  Very similar to that book.

ps They’re Catholic, not that it matters, but I thought it might make EE smile to know.

This is heartbreaking. 

New reader here… I just wanted to add a different perspective.
Perhaps, if people follow the Pearl’s advice to the letter, then this could be considered to be their fault.

However, there are many, many families (mostly home educating, I would imagine) that have read their books and have NOT killed their children.  These, too, haven’t abused their children.

My wife and I don’t follow everything they advocate to the letter, but we do appreciate the spirit of To Train Up A Child, especially tempered with other articles/books they’ve written.  Maybe I misread, but I thought that their purpose is biblical discipline – and chastisement (i.e. spanking/correction) is only one aspect of the process of discipleship.

Similar arguments could be made across many areas of our society, but the one that most readily comes to mind is the whole gun debate.  Opponents claim that guns kill people.  Guns don’t kill people, other people using guns as tools or instruments of destruction are what is doing the killing.  In the same way, someone who takes the writing of the Pearl’s (not inspired) or portions of the scripture and abuses it in application can make all sorts of ill-informed decisions.  Everything from Nazism, to the Inquisition, and the KKK (and surely other examples exist!) are results of people misusing the Word of God.  Should we expect any less of a chance of someone misusing writing that isn’t inspired?

I don’t know what sort of response this perspective will receive here, but I felt compelled to share it.

I look forward to reading more of what you have to share, Elizabeth.

Hey Ben:

You wrote, “if people follow the Pearl’s advice to the letter, then this could be considered to be their fault.” Exactly my point. If the Pearl’s advice is taken literally and applied literally, abuse IS the result. Shouldn’t that say something about the quality of the advice?

I can understand how you’re trying to make a difference between spirit of the law vs. letter of the law, but let’s be clear: the Pearls’ advocate spanking of 5 month old babies. That should be categorically defined as abusive and anyone who promotes such abuse should be disqualified.

If my doctor misdiagnoses a major illness of mine, I’m really not going to care if he correctly diagnosed a few minor ailments over the years. It will not matter to me if my doctor followed the “spirit” of medicine. If he got it wrong on something as serious as a major, obvious illness–I’m not gong to trust him anymore.

The problem with the Pearls is that they get it wrong on one of the most obvious and serious matters: the systematic, methodical spanking of infants. I don’t care how “right” they are on everything else–that one thing leavens the whole loaf, to put it Biblically.

And now that several children have died as a result of their teachings, I really want to ask you: is it really just a coincidence? Are the “good” things that came out of this book worth the death of even ONE child?

Shoot, if a crib manufacturer hears that ONE child died in their crib, the whole lot is recalled! If ONE child dies of choking on a small toy, the toy manufacturer recalls the ENTIRE lot!

But a bunch of children die after their parents follow the Pearl’s teaching and the Pearl’s books skyrocket in sales.

How sick is that?

Thank you for the calm, reasonable response.  That’s too rare on the interwebs these days, but I suppose that’s why I like reading your blog!

I suppose the biggest problem I have with the whole emphasis is that it’s the Pearl’s fault.  The way the headline reads, owning a book resulted in the death of children.  Was it, perhaps, an influence for parents to make bad choices (or an excuse in their mind)?  I don’t doubt that.  I imagine that this sad circumstance would still exist even if they didn’t own any of the Pearl’s books.  You may certainly disagree with that, but someone who is willing to go that far will find whatever excuse is available, and Mike Pearl’s writing is maybe a little more accessible than the King James Version bible likely sitting on their shelves.

I – honestly – had forgotten about their instruction to spank 5 month olds.  It’s been a while since I read it (our oldest is 8, 2nd nearly 6, so it’s been at least 6 years).  The “spirit” that I was getting at from their writing boils down to two points – Spanking isn’t beating (i.e. one good swat should do it), and don’t spank in anger (i.e. don’t take out your emotions on the child).  I have a strong feeling that those in the circumstance mentioned above neglected both of those principles.

Again, there are many sick people in the world, and they’ll use whatever excuse available to justify their ignorant, selfish actions.  It just doesn’t seem right to me to imply that owning a particular book implies the eventual murder of children.  I don’t know their circulation figures, but there are probably more children who have died from neglect/abuse informed by some religious fanaticism (for lack of a better term) that has nothing to do with the Pearls than those that could be in any way associated with them.

That doesn’t excuse the actions in any way, it just seems like it might be better to hold people accountable for their actions than to allow them to blame some book for “making them do it.”

Does that make sense?  Maybe you guessed that I’m against gun control, but it’s the same argument again – guns are tools, people are the ones who make a decision to kill another.

The Pearl’s even advocate pulling a baby’s hair to stop it from biting you while nursing.  These people are nuts!!Who would ever think of something like that or spanking a 5 month old baby.
Also, Debi Pearl’s book, Learning to be His Helpmate, needs to be taken off the shelf,too.  She thinks it is okay for a dad who has previously molested the children to come back home, to those same children, after he has served his time in prison.

i just came across your blog – and am happy to see people talking about it.  i’ve read large portions of the book.  not as a manual, but to get a better understanding after i learned of lydia’s death.  the pearls offer it for free download on their website.  BTW, google “sean paddock michael pearl”.  you’ll learn of a 4yr old boy raised in a similar household whose death was a direct result of excessive discipline and whose mother used the pearls’ book as a manual.  i’d like to reply to those who seem to think that while the pearls may have disagreeable practices, they cannot be blamed for advocating abuse.  first, i will agree that they talk a lot about love and nurturing.  and i think those are very genuine sentiments.  i also recognize that they speak against hitting a child out of anger.  but at the same time, they teach that you continue to discipline for as long as the child shows any amount of resistance – which could include crying out “please stop” or moving their hand to protect their bottom (or whichever other target).  i also believe they are blinded by what they believe is the word of god and can’t see that they absolutely do TEACH child abuse.  using a weapon to discipline a child at 4 months of age is abuse.  but the whole point of my comment was to share a summarized story told in chapter 9  of “to train up a child” – michael describes watching his wife, debi, in a counseling session with a young mother.  the mother’s 2yr old son was not playing quietly in the other room, but demanding his mother’s attention and hitting her with a toy.  the child then started hitting debi with the toy.  debi picked up a comparable toy and hit the toddler in the arm with it.  the story goes on for a page or two about the 2yr old hitting debi and debi hitting the 2yr old, with 10 or more “swift, forceful blows” coming from the adult.  at one point he describes “her bottom came off the couch as she drew back to return the blow; and i heard a little karate like wheeze come from somewhere deep inside.”  this is a grown woman standing up and grunting to administer a “swift, forceful blow” to someone else’s 2yr old AS A LESSON for the child’s mother.  and michael wrote about it with love and admiration for his wife’s actions.  the child finally submitted.  his will broken, as is the goal of training and/or discipline sessions.  i believe that the pearls do not want anyone to beat their children to death.  but they undoubtedly teach child abuse.  and if their advice is followed, and a child does not appear to be submitting, the session could last up to 7 hours and ultimately result in death.  i’m glad parents are in prison for murder.  but i also believe the pearls should open their eyes and realize what they’ve unleashed.  and they should take it back.  i will never advocate censorship and do not think the books should be pulled from stores.  but the pearls should retract…