Having flashbacks/Survivor’s Guilt

Posted on October 3, 2011 by elizabeth

You guys, I can’t stop crying.

You have to understand, every time a child dies as a result of their religiously abusive childhood–I have flashbacks. I couldn’t eat this morning–my stomach was too tight.

Sure, maybe I should just stop writing about these children. I should stop looking at the pain. But…I can’t. I mean, I survived my religiously abusive childhood but there are children RIGHT NOW who are not surviving theirs. How can I look away from that?

I spend the majority of my life looking normal and holding it all together. But then the evil just rises up like an overwhelming tsunami and there’s no way to hold it back. So I raise my tiny life-raft of writing against this tsunami and hope somehow, somewhere these words will bring someone safely home.

But the evil is so real and so big and frightening. The first time I spoke out against Mike & Debi Pearl, my hands shook. And again last night, I tossed and turned. Today, I keep breaking down in tears.

These are the moments when I wonder how God could let this happen. Why, God, do you let children’s screams go unheard? I really want to know. And then I think: no, it’s not God’s fault. This is OUR fault. This is what WE’VE done to this world. This is what happens when WE don’t listen to the crying.

Worse, sometimes I think this is what religion has done to our world. Religion has twisted the goodness and love of God and made it crass and violent.

I’ve had glimpses of a good God. I’ve had moments of feeling His unconditional love for me. On days like this, I hang onto that for dear life. And I can onto the memories of you—the ones who survived with me, the ones who write now with grace and compassion. I remember you and I fling out my tiny life raft of words.

Because I can’t face this tsunami alone.

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  • hope t.

    Dear EE, My heart goes out to you. I remember a year or two ago you posted a couple of  memories from your childhood. I am sure that they were not the “worst” things that you experienced but honestly, what you did write, I could hardly even bear to read. Seeing just a tiny slice of went you went through….well…I could hardly breath, just thinking about it. Please, please take care of that wounded child (you) ….rock her, love her, feed her, give her all the attention and understanding she craves. I know that you are already doing a lot of that but please remember that when you do it for the little girl in you, you are doing it for the least of these.

    Also, your statement, “Religion has twisted the goodness and love of God and made it crass and violent.” Totally, right on the money. Keep writing, keep crying and know that you are not alone.

  • Rachel

    Hugs, to you, EE!  I can barely think about these horrible situations, not because of my childhood (which was blessedly free of this sort of stuff), but because of my own sons.  They’re wonderful, high energy, loving, mischief-makers, and I believe that in one of these families, they’d be systematically crushed.  I can hardly bear to think of all the beautiful, bright, spunky children being crushed by this abuse masquerading as Christianity.  Thank you for writing the life raft. 

  • Brenda T

    I am not good with words. They are not my “thing”. I don’t think I know what to say to comfort you except this: you are not alone and you are loved. Praying for you EE!

  • Anon

    EE, I greatly appreciate your writing.  I think you might be able to give me some advice.  We have close relatives who are raising their children with a very high level of restrictions.  I don’t know if there is or isn’t physical abuse or discipline.  There is an incredibly strict list of “approved” foods to eat (no allergies), strict list of “approved” books to read, strict list of approved holidays to celebrate, etc.  It doesn’t seem this comes from their church, but from their homeschooling/biblical study literature.   All of it is seems to be seen as part of being “holy.”

    My question to you is about how I can best support the two elementary-aged children in this family.   We don’t live close to them geographically but we are probably the closest relatives in their lives.  I am embarrrassed to admit that I find both children to be a bit self-righteous, but I know it isn’t their fault.   We tend to avoid contact with them because it is so uncomfortable.   We love them and their parents; we have just taken radically different paths of Christianity.

    How could an adult mentor/relative have made your childhood better? 

    How would you advise us to approach the young children in this family, without interfering with their (almost frightening) obedience to their parents?

    How can we extend, or provide a vision of, hope and grace, to the children?

    We’ve really been hiding under the “it is none of our business” excuse.  Do you think that is wrong?

    Any advice is greatly appreciated.

  • Laurie

    These things are heartbreaking and that they take place in the name of God is unthinkable.  Your compassionate heart is being used to bless others every day. Your passion is making a difference. One  family. One child. One day at a time. 

    You aren’t alone. I’m 46 and only in the last year and a half finally finding full freedom from the hurting and pain. I’ve watched so many that I grew up with completely abandon a belief in God. It is an urgent mission to keep spreading the word. Thank you for your courage, your compassion and your transparency.

    @moodyfastlane:twitter 

  • Tammy

    The most dangerous lie is one that contains some truth…evil can be perpetrated in its worst form when cloaked in talk of god…I dont use an upper case letter because the god they serve is not God the Genuine. God does not do such things to children…in any faith. 

  • http://faithandfood.morizot.net/ Scott Morizot

    Peace. You aren’t alone. I may not know much about “religious abuse” but I’m familiar with how crazy a childhood can be. And how we can perpetuate that cycle either directly or by falling in with another trapped in that cycle. (Fortunately, I was able to save my older son from the worst of my mistakes and protect him from his mother. But mostly I just got lucky.)

  • D

    I <3 you EE.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Theresa-Thompson/1525414797 Theresa Thompson

    Many of these individuals who are doing the abuse are not “bad” people,,,,,,,,just terribly MISguided, MISinformed and MIStaken!!!! I realized this from reading Abby Johnson’s book “Unplanned”.  We have to pray for these people and hope they stumble onto something as simple as an informitive website and realize their mistakes. 

  • http://thehomespunlife.com Sisterlisa

    These stories raise up feelings in me too and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to just ignore it.

  • Nancy

    I am married to a pastor, and I had never heard of the “To Train Up a Child” book or authors until 2 years ago on your blog.  Since then, one of my dear friends has confided in me about her upbringing in the IFB world, and another woman with grown children has told how deeply she regrets allowing her kids’ school principal/teachers to beat them (even though she didn’t do it herself).  Those of us in healthier churches need to know about this — so it can’t creep in unawares, and so we can be a place of healing for those wounded.  THANK YOU for being brave enough to share your story. 

  • http://remnantofremnant.blogspot.com priest’s wife

    That photo of Hana is just devastating- she seemed like a lovely girl- so all I can do is pray- and know that she is being comforted by God right now

  • http://scitascienda.com/scienda-store/#free C.L. Dyck

    Yeah…I’m on my second sleepless night since hearing about it.

  • Lilydaisy1998

    Thank you!! This is so true!!