Seductive promise of perfectly happy, obedient children feeds abuse

Posted on November 28, 2011 by elizabeth

What seduces a parent to follow the inherently abusive ‘child-training’ practices taught by Michael & Debi Pearl? Simple. It’s the sparkling promise of perfectly obedient, unflaggingly cheerful children who will grow up to follow God all the days of their lives.

This guarantee is based on an interpretation of Proverbs 22:6 that assumes if parents raise their children in a God-fearing manner, their children will never depart from following God.

But as Tim Kimmel points out in his book “Grace-Based Parenting,” if that interpretation were correct, how do we account for the many children of devoutly conscientious parents who grow up to reject the faith? (pg. 111)

A better understanding of Proverbs 22:6, Kimmel writes, comes from understanding the original Hebrew usage:

The expression ‘train up’ is used in other Hebrew literature to describe a maneuver that ancient midwives used to cause newborns to being the sucking impulse. Right after birth, they would take the juice of crushed grapes or dates and put it on their index fingers and massage the baby’s gums and palate. Besides developing the sucking response, this also cleansed the newborn’s mouth of amniotic fluids.

When used in Proverbs 22, the writer is saying that we should use childhood as an opportunity to build a clean and healthy thirst for life that God has uniquely designed for that child. –“Grace-Based Parenting,” page 111)

Kimmel goes on to point out that when ‘train up’ is combined with the Hebrew phrase ‘in the way he should go,’ what Proverbs 22:6 is really saying is: ‘train him up his way’–meaning, train the child up according to the CHILD’S unique way.

In other words, parents ought to raise their children according to the child’s way; ie. according to the unique talents and gifts innately endowed within each particular child.

But if, as Michael Pearl teaches, Proverbs 22:6 means a parent ought to raise a child GOD’S WAY, then if a child grows up to abandon the faith, obviously the parent failed to raise the child properly.

This interpretation may seem like a minor difference but it has massive implications for how Proverbs 22:6 is practically implemented.

In Michael Pearl’s view, Proverbs 22:6 is viewed as a promise of God (read: guarantee), the fulfillment of which is entirely incumbent upon the parents’ “faithfulness” to properly ‘train’ (read: spank) their children.

I’m convinced that this single misapplication of Proverbs 22:6 is how Michael Pearl is able to justify the blatantly abusive tactics he recommends in his book “To Train Up a Child.”

This misinterpretation enables him to recommend the spanking of 7 month old infants (pg. 79), sitting on a child while spanking him (pg. 46) and spanking until the child is “totally broken” (pg. 59).

Furthermore, Mr. Pearl’s interpretation of Proverbs 22:6 validates ideas like “first-time obedience” (a child obeying instantly upon hearing a parent’s command) which essentially flings wide the door to harsh, abusive discipline.

Still, regardless of which interpretation is “correct,” it should be self-evident to everyone that the abusive mistreatment of children is morally reprehensible and indefensible.

Those who abuse and those who teach abuse are both morally culpable.

I, too, am culpable. As a young, impressionable mother living inside a harshly legalistic church, I was indoctrinated into Michael Pearl’s teachings. I followed his methods for awhile–it’s what I thought “God wanted.”

It was only by God’s grace that I finally allowed my maternal instinct to override what I was being taught.

I rejected Pearl’s methods while my children were very young–although I still live with regret and shame for all the times I should have listened to my heart and my maternal instinct instead of suppressing it to achieve “perfectly obedient” children.

This is why I continue to speak out. It’s my moral obligation–and perhaps a form of penance.

Kyrie, eleison. Christe, eleison.

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Watch me confront Michael Pearl on Anderson Cooper’s TV show this Friday, Dec. 2nd. Your support and love mean so much. Grace and peace, EE.

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Anonymous

amen and amen.
http://joyfulmothering.net Christin

Just as the Bible is misinterpreted, so are the Pearls teachings. It’s so unfortunate to see people blaming the Pearls teachings for their own child abuse. And I don’t mean you, but those whom I’ve seen on the news in recent months.
The promise of perfect children is definitely a far stretch and that perhaps could leave a mother feeling totally inadequate and like a failure. That I agree with. But abusive? I wouldn’t go nearly that far.
The people that have abused their children and are tied to the Pearl’s teachings were abusive before. They merely use these teachings as a means to blame someone else for their actions. And when I say abuse, I don’t mean a mere spanking. I mean starvation and beatings until a child is left dead. Nowhere does Pearl ever advocate such abuse.

I, too, came upon the Pearls’ ministry when I was a new mother. I have since found better teachings to spur me on as a mother (such as Grace-Based Parenting). The Pearl’s book To Train Up a Child may certainly have a little misleading information, as stated above, but again, I do not believe child abuse is one of them. But the promise of perfectly obedient children–no, that does not exist. There aren’t even perfectly obedient adults.

But, again, we being individuals will interpret things differently, and that is unfortunate on the negative side of things. I pray for wisdom and compassion for both you and Mr. Pearl. I pray God reveal Himself in a real way and can bring unity to His Word so there is unity in the body of Christ.

Blessings, Elizabeth.
http://www.mommylanddiares.com Jessica

I read a comment early today by a preacher that said, “A”yes” is no good unless a “no” is possible.”
Love requires choice. As parents we limit, sometimes, the choices are kids can make but we always should give them the freedom and ability to obey and disobey. And of course there are consequences for each of those but consequences and even punishment do not equal abuse.

Violence and power and control do not allow for choice. They oppress and subdue it not empower a person to choose and live with the consequences that come with it. It’s about fear not enabling a child to actually live life.

There are so many good and right and needed lessons that come from helping our children navigate life when they disobey – owning their behavior, accepting consequences, repenting, making restoration when needed, learning to change their behavior for the future and learn from it, understanding the difference between guilt that leads to conviction and transparency and guilt that leads to shame and hiding.

Hope I can find it here locally.
KatR

Christin, I can’t wrap my head around how spanking a 7 month old child could be called “a little misleading information” and not be classified as abusive.
Anonymous

Christin: thanks for your input. But until you can justify the spanking of 4 month old babies (see page 9 of TTUAC), the spanking of 7 month old babies (page 79), how can you NOT call these teachings abusive?

Sure, maybe some of the parents who ended up killing their children WERE abusive before they read TTUAC. But in many, MANY of the cases I witnessed firsthand–parents were NOT abusive prior to receiving Pearl’s books and implementing his methods.

There are both abusive parents AND abusive methods.

The very fact that you’re unwilling to call his methods abusive is, quite honestly, dangerously naive.
http://thehomespunlife.com Sisterlisa

Sometimes -re-reading Pearl’s books after a few years can open the eyes a bit wider than when we were in our early twenties raising babies. Pearl demonizes children, accuses them of being Nazis, insist that babies are actually scheming to manipulate their parents. Give me a break! Babies cry because they are hungry, cold, too hot, or lonely. Not because they are little Nazis scheming to manipulate their parents. His teachings frighten parents into thinking they need to beat them to save them from hell. Spankings do not save babies from going to hell. Anyone who thinks his books are not to blame, try reading them again. His so called gospel is distorted and false. Why follow child ‘training’ by people who preach a false gospel?
KatR

Yes, a parent would know that repeated, systematic, unrelenting spankings are wrong. The heart would cry out against that.

But what would a parent hear on Sunday in an abusive, authoritarian church that would be likely to push the Pearls’ teachings?

“The heart is deceitful above all things”.

I heard this all.the.time. My thoughts, my instincts, my feelings, my beliefs were wrong. Lying. Used by Satan. I had to go to someone ELSE for the truth of my own heart, or so I was taught.

The only way for Michael Pearls book to “work” is to find a place where parents are told to go against their own instincts, and he found his niche.

I’m SO glad that you got to speak out about this, Elizabeth.
Anonymous

Such an important, IMPORTANT point!

The context into which these books are introduced are typically highly authoritarian which makes their toxicity that much worse.
Lucy

I will never forget overhearing a conversation when I was a very young adult and was going through a period of “rebellion” – some might call it “growing up.” I heard my parents talking about me and my father was lamenting how they’d done everything right and look how I was turning out. In my heart, I cried out, “My story isn’t over! Don’t give up on me!” He had the same expectation that if you parent according to “God’s way,” your children will turn out perfect. Well, we didn’t.

I don’t have much familiarity with the Pearls, but I know the type. I lived it, although my experience was not as bad as yours, EE. But then I became Eastern Orthodox and found freedom. You can imagine how well that went over.

My early parenting was formed by my parents and the Ezzos, but I have changed. It’s hard sometimes, because I have no idea what I’m doing. I just try to love my children the way God loves me and to trust Him. I try to be a co-traveller with my children on the road to salvation. It’s so different from how I grew up (my husband, too – he grew up with NO attempt to parent “God’s way”), but it feels right. I’m still the parent, but I don’t own these little people.

Thanks for writing about this!
Kristen Rosser

Pearl is also teaching a salvation-by-works mentality when it comes to children. He says that a child will feel cleansed by being punished. Since when are we to teach our children that they can be cleansed by anything but the blood of Christ alone?
Why is salvation by grace good for parents but not for kids?
http://joyfulmothering.net Christin

You may be right, Elizabeth. I may be naiive (it’s been known to happen).
I think this is something that can be considered quite relative. Meaning, the teachings are relative to the interpreter reading them.

Which, I suppose, can make them dangerous. If you’re a new mom reading this stuff for the first time, without any experience or knowledge of how to raise children, I grant you, it could be dangerous. Because they aren’t discerning the material for what it is.

I feel that way about some of Gary Ezzo’s teachings – at least when I read them as a new mom.

Hear me out on this, OK? Please? Quite honestly…I’m on the fence about all of this. Because *I* never interpreted their materials to be abusive. Maybe a little rough around the edges. But not abusive.
Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean that other people aren’t interpreting their materials that way. And part of me wants to defend them and say, “Well, it’s not their fault someone misinterprets their information”. On the other hand, as teachers of the Bible, they are called to be extra careful about what/how they teach.

I don’t believe they are abusive people and I don’t believe their materials were meant to come across that way–but unfortunately, that doesn’t change the fact that people are reading them that way.

I am truly sorry for both sides.

I didn’t come here to argue, per se. I think I, too, am just trying to figure out the heart of it and am working it out through my writing here. So thank you for allowing me to do that and thank you for your gracious comment.
((Hugs))
Christin
http://joyfulmothering.net Christin

And just for the record, no, I do not agree with spanking a baby.
Misty

I’ve not read either of these two books, but I would be willing to bet one of my friends have read it because something you mentioned is exactly what she told me to do once. While I do spank, I believe it’s at the discretion of the parent, and after prayer and long discussions between my husband and I, we came up with a very different way to spank than what we saw when we were young. Yes, it takes much more of our time, but for our children to 1)understand why they’re getting spanked and 2)know without a doubt that they are completely loved by us even during the times they get spankings, we feel it’s worth it to take the extra time.

We went through a season of flat out rebellion from our oldest when he was only 4. I confided in a friend who had sons a little older then him. Her advice was to “spank him into submission,” which meant spank until he was completely controllable. She also said that my husband should spank him again when he gets home from work. I did the “spank into submission” once or twice and hated the way it felt. I felt like it was breaking him of his leadership qualities. Yes, we wanted him to be obedient and respectful because that’s very much an important lesson to learn at a young age rather than later in life when the consequences are even greater. BUT I don’t believe that’s the way to do it. I also completely disagree with any child getting consequences twice for one action. That makes no sense to me at all.

So that’s my two cents. . . or thirty dollars. . .whatever you take it for. Thank you for writing about this. It’s always a touchy topic, but I believe that it’s definitely something that needs to be brought to light. not all books, whether they call themselves Christian or not, are Biblical. If your ‘mother’s intuition’ ever tells you that you’re not on the right track, then it’s something to stop immediately. It’s the Holy Spirit telling you that you’re not doing the right thing, and he is always right.
Misty

I have spanked a 7 month old (well I’m thinking I probably have. i don’t know when we started), but it wasn’t spanking in the way they might be teaching. It was a spat on the hand that was reaching for an outlet or something that could fall and hurt them. To me the spat on the hand was much more desirable than what was to happen if we didn’t. Also, we never had to do that more than 2 times, and they knew not to do that particular thing anymore.

I’m not sure if this is the same thing you’re talking about, but it’s what we did. No, our children aren’t perfect, and we don’t expect them to be, but we do want them to be safe.
http://joyfulmothering.net Christin

It all depends on what they consider a spanking. Even a swat for a 7-month old is not abuse. A four month old? That does seem over the top.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1409360041 Beverley Bouchard

Maybe I am being too simplistic….but Adam and Eve had the perfect parent but were deceived and lead astray. We all have been lead astray and by grace and mercy are sort by our creator, we are rescued and brought back into the Family.
http://joyfulmothering.net Christin

I totally agree Misty. Actually, the Pearls teach to spank and spank into submission and I do not agree with that at all.
You know what? I do think that could be borderline abuse. I say borderline because it’s a matter of control on the parents part. If the parent gets out of control, it can be an abusive situation. But, if a parent can keep control of himself while administering such a discipline, I still consider that to be a bit excessive and most likely counter-productive.

Thank you Elizabeth–this discussion has helped work out my own struggles with what to think.
http://overweightsofjoy.blogspot.com/ amy danielle

“Why is salvation by grace good for parents but not for kids?”

Amen! Fabulous point.
http://sustainablemommy.wordpress.com/ Naomi

There is a difference between saying Michael Pearl directly caused the death of children like Lydia Schatz (maybe, maybe not) and saying that the Pearls are unwilling to take responsibility for the (perhaps) unintended consequences of their teachings. Anyone who claims authority must take into account unintended consequences of their words and actions. To do otherwise is to be a tyrant. Where do the Pearls ever warn against possible excesses? Where do they ever talk about the damage of child abuse? In their book, the only child “abuse” they address is not spanking enough.

The reason they do not take responsibility for the effects of their work is that the Pearls have NO accountability, NO expertise, and NO business making authoritative statements about child rearing.

The Pearls are as innocent as snake-oil salesmen.
KatR

I think that is pretty brilliant. Pearl and those like him expect parents to bring about what God himself couldn’t even accomplish.
Alexis Coxon

I am SO blessed that I heard about the dangers of this awful book before I had children.

My oldest, who is 4 1/2 now, was always a very “stubborn, defiant, willful” child. He was also practically impervious to pain. If I had had to “spank him into submission,” I probably would have had to literally beat him before it had an effect.

When he was 3 1/2, he was diagnosed with sensory processing disorder, pragmatic language delays and possible high-functioning autism. I am so, SO grateful that we weren’t hitting our precious boy for behaviors that were out of his control. I can’t imagine the damage it would have done, to him and to our relationship with him.
CR

You’re so brave. Thank you for doing what you do!
Anonymous

Hey Christin! Thank you for being willing to consider these things and work through them, here. I sincerely appreciate that. I also think it’s important to consider that a parent who reads, say, “Grace-Based Parenting” would never come away thinking it’s OK to spank a child into submission. To me, that’s a pretty clear indication of which parenting method promotes grace and which method crushes the spirit of a child.
http://thehomespunlife.com Sisterlisa

Christin, I so agree with this..”On the other hand, as teachers of the Bible, they are called to be extra careful about what/how they teach.”

Here is my view…if a ‘teacher of the bible’ has their writings in such a way that it has to be interpreted..or even get a double meaning out of it..then it’s not clear enough of a teaching. I happen to be friends with one of the grown Schatz children and I have seen first hand how the teaching was ‘interpreted’ by her parents who followed the same type of teaching I escaped from. These last couple of years has been absolute torture to see the pain the family has suffered through this. I firmly believe that the Pearl’s need to be held accountable by the Whole Body of Christ to re-examine their teachings and halt their double-meaning teachings entirely. They need to repent and until they do, we, as the Body, need to speak up about such double-meaning teachings that have the potential to lead parents into harming their kids. When they say to continue to whip the child UNTIL the child submits and not to spare the rod for their crying…then something is very very wrong. On top of that..they teach that spanking will save the child from hell. So this comes out to some parents as “keep whipping the child, no matter how much he cries, because the rod will save their soul from hell”

This isn’t about harming the Pearls as people, it’s about bringing them into accountability for their teaching and raising awareness to parents to use caution with unclear teachings that have the potential to harm children.

Love you, Christin.
http://joyfulmothering.net Christin

Yes, I am seeing how people can totally take this wrong. Even if it wasn’t intended that way.
When I read about saving their souls from hell, I didn’t take it literally. Obviously not everyone thinks the same way.
Wow. Lisa, remember how we had a conversation about me learning about grace this year? Yea. My change of thinking is a result of learning more grace.
I’m not talking about throwing the baby out with the bath water, but recognizing our children are children and human. They will fail just as much as we will. Yes, they need direction and discipline, for sure. But they need grace in all things.
I have been so blessed by this transformation in my thinking and I appreciate you and the others here who have helped me see a different perspective. *Thank you*
http://joyfulmothering.net Christin

I understand what you’re saying, but really? It’s not for us to call him out and require repentance. That is for God alone. Only the Holy Spirit can convict and change a heart.
We need to be praying for that. Blessings. <3
http://joyfulmothering.net Christin

And after considering, the Bible makes it clear that only the Holy Spirit can change a heart. We can only guide and instruct. We cannot force a child to submit.
We can certainly do a multitude of other things, can’t we? Such as pray. We underestimate the power of prayer these days, I think.
Gosh, thank you so much for your patience with me.
The issue with the Pearls has been heavy on me for months. I didn’t know what to believe. Even before some of the stories were coming out on the news, I would thumb through their book and began reconsidering what I once thought were OK methods. You begin to see what works and doesn’t work with your children.
But God also grows you and you begin to see things through His eyes.
I can’t thank you enough for allowing me your space to work this out. You have greatly blessed me and God used you to further open my eyes. God bless you, sister. ((Hugs))
http://thehomespunlife.com Sisterlisa

With over 35,000 denominations of Christianity, teachings can get pretty wild..but when we look at the fruit we can begin to see what teaching is not fruit bearing. And the kind of obedience the Pearl’s suggest is not listed in the fruit of the Spirit passage in Galatians. Do we want children to blindly obey and not know how to find their own balance in grace? If we don’t have grace in our parenting how will they learn it themselves? How will they learn mercy if a spanking is the consequence every time? We need to be careful to not raise our kids in legalism. Practical consequences do need to be taught and experienced for our children to grow up and understand this world we live in, but legalism isn’t the way. These past few years has been quite a journey for me too. So glad to have a community like this to grow with.

Thank you too, Elizabeth Esther
http://sustainablemommy.wordpress.com/ Naomi

What? I don’t remember saying anything about requiring repentance from the Pearls. Maybe I should clarify that I am talking from the perspective of professional ethics, not evangelical fundamentalist culture. Isn’t it interesting that the secular world has policies in place designed to hold “experts” accountable for the effects of their actions–unlike many churches?
http://joyfulmothering.net Christin

Oh oh, I get what you’re saying. I apologize. I think reading all the comments blurred them together!

Yes, I think accountability is important.
http://www.ayoungmomsmusings.blogspot.com Melissa @ Permission to Live

I quit this child-rearing mentality when my oldest was only 2 1/2, but I remember hitting her legs when she was 14 months old until she was “trained” to lay down and nap on her own, how could I have done that? Sometimes I feel like I can never make it right. Feeling so angry today.
KatR

I know sometimes it’s easier to be kinder to others than to ourselves, so I’ll give you grace, and you give some to me, about all the things we should have seen/said/done differently while in an abusive church…..
KatR

I know sometimes it’s easier to be kinder to others than to ourselves, so I’ll give you grace, and you give some to me, about all the things we should have seen/said/done differently while in an abusive church…..
http://www.downtoearthwomen.blogspot.com Tracey

Sometimes, I am pretty glad I wasn’t raised with a deep knowledge of the Bible. Even after growing up Catholic, I have never really cared too much about pouring over Scripture and figuring out what the verses actually *mean.* I never really understood the drive others had to study it over and over, line by line. I swear I am too ADD for that.

My ex though, could quote chapter and verse and inform me of all the ways I wasn’t being a godly wife. No word on how HE was failing as a godly husband, but that didn’t matter much….he was the head, right after The Almighty Himself, and for me to point out his foibles wasn’t, well, *godly* of me. What the F ever.
http://www.downtoearthwomen.blogspot.com Tracey

You can buy these things call electrical outlet covers. They can be found in the baby aisle at Walmart along with baby gates, refrigerator locks, cupboard door latches, as well as other safety equipment

Using them will keep you from having to smack your kids’ hands.
Laura

That was my thought too. It’s as if Jesus’s sacrifice wasn’t sufficient. Heretical and wrong.
sarah carson

Yikes. Having not read the book, can someone tell me whether ‘discipline’ of children like Alexis’ is addressed?
Lucie

I was wondering the same thing. I have not read the book either, especially since I have no children, but I wouldn’t be terribly surprised, just from what I’ve read of the Pearls, that they would discount these diagnoses.
Holly

Honestly, yeah….there’s no real need to smack a seven month old’s hand. That’s not right – they’re not going to really learn to leave the item alone. At seven months, you just distract and redirect and protect.
Holly

Exactly, Alexis!!! We have to realize as parents that we don’t really know what is going on inside of our children – they may have medical or neurological or processing issues that aren’t easily seen. Even food sensitivities can cause behavioral issues – and is that really the child’s fault? One of my little boys seemed hyper active. He seemed to have border-line high functioning autism. When he was seventeen, we realized he was synesthesia. What was happening to him as a child was that he had all of this info bombarding his senses – words were not just filled with letters to learn, they also had color and personalities! Music had color and personality –

There’s no way we would have known that at four – he couldn’t tell us. Harsh discipline would have simply destroyed him. We have to reserve judgement sometimes as parents and be willing to wait until we understand our children better.

I’ve got nine kids – nine high spirited, high energied kids. I’ve never really had a four year old who was in open rebellion without an underlying cause – either medical or emotional – or maybe it was my expectations that were so skewed.

When my fourth son came along, he was a pistol. !!! My inclination at that point was to clamp down and be more firm on him. God let me know that I was not to treat this child that way – that it would do something horrible to his soul. So I listened and observed, and when he misbehaved instead of doing what I wanted and what I thought was right as a parent, I held him. I held him when he threw fits (that might have seemed like rebellion.) I rocked him and loved him, and said to him, “You are my sanctification for this time.”

It was just what he needed. Within a year, he outgrew most of the behavioral issues. He’s still energetic and smart, but there’s no separation between us such as there might be if I had parented harshly. He’s a very loving boy.
Agnes

OK this is where it gets hard for me to be here. I was abused as a baby, and am now a child psychotherapist. I respectfully disagree and would say it’s NOT ok to flick babies. Babies then instinctively learn that they are not safe, and that their caregivers are randomly inflicting pain on them. Babies cannot reason that what they do is ‘wrong.’ What babies do is all instinct, and why would anyone want to ‘teach’ a baby that its natural instincts are wrong.. ? I think that it’s really important to understand the developmental stages of babies and children so that they are not abused for simply being who they are.
Alexis Coxon

Holly, thank you for sharing your story! You’re so right that we often don’t know what’s going on with our kids — my son was 2 1/2 when I first started suspecting he was a little different (long past “switching” age for the Pearls), but he was 3 1/2 when I was finally convinced that something was going on and he needed help. Even then, my husband and both sets of grandparents thought I was just being paranoid.

I want to cry when I think about the damage that could be done to these children with such harsh, punitive techniques.
Holly

Oooo. My sentence structure was all wrong. I was up really late….

I should have said that he *has* synesthesia, or *is* synesthetic.
TealRose

I am not trying to be awkward here Misty, just tell you about me and how I felt.

I am a 57 yr old grandmother. My parents spanked me too. And they lost me from the first time. They lost my love, respect and trust – because I have never and will never trust or respect someone who hits me. I learned fear, pain, anger, hate and resentment. The post spanking ‘we love you’ meant nothing to me – because they had just HIT me and it felt like a lie. Our relationship was damaged forever.

Just before my mother died a few years ago we were talking about me being spanked as a child, my mother thought I was ‘fine’ with it all as I was a ‘happy child’ etc. She was surprised if not shocked to find I wasn’t. That I had been a seething mass of anger and upset. I couldn’t understand ever how my parents, my ‘loving’ parents could hit me and hurt me. I feel this pain within me today as I write …

My intuition as a human being brought me to know that hitting ANYONE was wrong at a very early age – and I never changed that idea. I find it really strange that as human beings[most of us] would never dream of hitting our partner, the man in the bank, or our friends if they upset us or are rude – but the actually ‘wanting/need’ rises it’s ugly head when it’s just a child. I believe it’s the bad legacy of spanking – it damages our empathy. I fought with this when parenting my own children and not hitting them. It still upsets me that I even thought of it …
TealRose

I never felt ‘cleansed’ by being hit. Far from it. I couldn’t understand why God would sit there on His throne and do nothing to help me! I felt that if I was sorry about whatever it was it should be enough. After all, if my parents did something wrong – THEY never got hit even if they didn’t apologise !!!
http://mosaicsynapse.blogspot.com/http://mosaicsynapse.blogspot.com/ Pam Elmore

I fell into a similar trap for a while when my son was young — courtesy of Gary & Anne Marie Ezzo’s “Raising Kids God’s Way,” which sounds eerily similar.

God is merciful — my son is 26 and has forgiven me.
http://twitter.com/AKAJaneRandom Paula Claunch

Great point. My second was the same way. There is more than one way to skin a cat. Some of the Pearl’s teaching might work on naturally biddable children but on others they would just turn into abuse.
http://twitter.com/precariousyates Sarah J R Smith

I have to say this was SO refreshing to read!
Jon

I will only challenge you on spanking as something that is potentially damaging to your childrens sexuality. I suggest you read the link I posted. My experience as a child damaged my sexuality by my MOTHER. The link shares similar examples by other victims, male and female. Is this form of punishment worth risking a damage to there sexuality?
karen

My Parents taught us that in life everything has a balance. There is a huge difference between spanking and beating your child in the name of God. I think some spanking is fine, but that kind of spanking ruins the childs love for you and their view on God. Even God does not beat us into submission. Yes the Bible says he disciplines us, but it is out of love, and you feel that. The Bible also says that He is a God of mercy (not giving us what we deserve) and grace (blessings given us what we didn’t deserve). I was spanked as a child (but not that way I assure you!) and I believe in spanking. I could never “spank my child in that way though, it would break my heart! I have found with some children that spanking is not always the most effective way to discipline them, like time out.

I believe we need to discipline our children God’s way, and not Michael Pearles way. Each child is different and needs to be treated as such, not a prototype in a book. I do not read parenting books because Those people do not know my children, and they don’t always work although there are probably some great ideas in some of them.

People, Mr. Pearl is not God, he is a Human who is a hillbilly.

TealRose

The only difference between ‘spanking’ a child and beating it in the name of God – is the severity. Truly it is abuse at whichever level it is. If I hit you just one small slap, that is abuse and I will be arrested quite rightly. However, if you slap your child, spank it ie hit it even ‘ever so gently’ – that is still a blow, a strike and I fail to see why children should be subjected to something that even adults and animals are safe from. ”God doesn’t beat us into submission” no, and neither does he hit us. in any way. Discipline means to teach not to hit. And yes, children are all different, but NONE of us needs to be hit – especially with the damage it does long term.

Nina

I agree. At the end of the day, no matter what kind of pretty packaging adults who hit kids use, it’s still a much larger, more powerful person hitting a much smaller, completely powerless person.

I can’t even be polite about people who hit kids. It’s ignorant, it’s lazy, and it’s disgusting. Misty is an animal. She can pat herself on the back for how “controlled” and “loving” she is, but her actions speak louder than her words. She’s an abusive pig, and her evil deeds will come right back at her one of these days.

People who hit their kids are evil. Period. Thankfully, things are changing, and I expect this nation will go the way of other civilized nations and criminalize hitting kids just like we’ve criminalized hitting adults.

Nina

You’re one sick bitch, Christin.
Nina

Hitting a baby? What the hell is wrong with you, you abusive freak?
Nina

Uh, yeah, you animal, “even a swat” for a seven month old is abusive.
Lilly Green

Great!

Seductive promise of perfectly happy, obedient children feeds abuse

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