Notes to my daughter on failing well

Posted on January 22, 2012 by elizabeth

Dear Jewel: for one year we’ve scrubbed toilets and polished windows at your dance studio to pay for dance lessons. When your friends saw you cleaning and asked why, you smiled and said: “So I can dance.”

I know that wasn’t easy, to clean in front of your friends. But you learned to appreciate the opportunity instead of complaining about what it required of you. You weren’t–you aren’t–afraid of earning your dream. And you are earning it, one dance step at a time.

This month you’ve been auditioning for summer intensives with big companies like Boston Ballet and School of American Ballet. You’re really hoping for a spot with American Ballet Theatre or the Joffrey. But the rejections are rolling in and sometimes it’s hard to keep smiling.

Remember, love, why you smile: because dancing itself fills you with such joy.

It’s not the rejections that matter, really. It’s how you deal with them, what you do afterwards. I have a feeling these rejections are a necessary kind of truth; the catalyst you need to work harder, be better.

I see you so hopeful at these auditions and it breaks my heart a little to read you the rejection emails. But I read them anyway. You need to know this will never be easy and nobody is going to hand you your dream on a silver platter.

“Mom, it’s OK,” you said to me last night. “Even if I don’t get in, this is a really good experience for me.”

Flashes of maturity, words like those. And then, moments of masked despair: this morning you obsessed about the length and width of your bun–emphatically asserting I hadn’t coiled it properly. Finally, Daddy spoke up: “Jewel, what really matters is how well you dance today, not whether the bun is perfect.”

Still, you wanted me to re-do it. To wrap it up the way we did for the first audition:

But then it was time to go and so I hugged you quick and sent you off with registration papers, photos and directions. Daddy drove you. He called a few minutes ago to say you had finished but were hungry and exhausted. Your fourth audition in two weeks and I think the strain is starting to show.

I’m setting the tea pot now. We’ll cuddle up on the couch with a movie tonight–maybe your favorite: Alice in Wonderland. We’ll wait for news, perhaps more rejections.

And tomorrow, you’ll get up and dance again.

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  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1071854538 Kristen Herrett

    Elizabeth, she is truly beautiful and has such poise both as a dancer and a young woman. This is a wonderful tribute…to both of you as Jewel chases the dream.

  • http://that-something.com/ Kate

    Oh, I remember the days of auditioning for intensives. It was exhausting and heartbreaking far, far, far more often than it was exhilarating. I’ll be crossing my fingers for all of you as you go through this process.

  • http://www.JanetOberholtzer.com Janet Oberholtzer

    Jewel is beautiful and wise!  (plus her bun looks perfect to me!)
    And what’s even more important (especially from my not-so great-relationship-with-my-mother view) is that she has you for a mother. A mother who encourages, supports and does great buns. And a mother who recognizes the truths of life…

    ~ of trying your best, dealing with rejection and trying again.
    ~ of finding that thing that brings you joy
    ~ of doing that thing for the pure joy of it. 
    ~ that tea (or another drink) and a movie help soften the blows of life. 

    Wishing for the best for both of you!

  • http://www.potentiatherapy.com/ Rebecca

    Gosh, this is so wise and touching.   Building character, resilience and relationships. 

  • Merickson7

    I love this.

  • http://mosaicsynapse.blogspot.com/ Pam Elmore

    I echo the other commenters — this is such an important thing for her, and for you, to weather. The rejections hurt, but will make her stronger, even if she needs to lean into your strength sometimes.

    The beach shots capture the look of that strength. Kudos to both of you.

  • Anonymous

    I love that Jewel works to earn her lessons.  That, in itself, is a lesson.  I worked my way through a private Catholic high school, and have no regrets.

    I hope Jewel’s dream comes true.

  • Joanie

    Oh, Sweet Jewel, Beautiful Dancer!  She is blessed to have parents who are so  supportive and there for her through the triumphs and roses as well as the struggles and toilets.  You guys are setting her up for a live well lived no matter how far she decides to go in dancing.  My dancers are tiny still, but this grips my mother’s heart all the same.

  • Tracy

    My daughters ,little ballerinas themselves, were reading over my shoulder and wanted to tell Jewel that they think she is a really good dancer. They are in such awe of her pictures! 

  • http://faithandfood.morizot.net/ Scott Morizot

    Yeah, supporting your kids as they grow older and have to learn to deal with the inevitable times they don’t get something they really want is tough. And ballet is one of the more competitive disciplines/arts out there from what I’ve read. And yes, the experience of the audition teaches a lot even if you don’t make the cut.

  • theresaEH

    Crossing my fingers for you Jewel!!

  • Anonymous

    My daughter is also a ballerina…and I cry as I tell you that the biggest thing she had to overcome was inheriting my genes…I am profoundly uncoordinated and Im not competitive enough to fight against it. My daughter has to work really hard to make it to the middle of the pack…but I am as proud of her as if she were the Sugar Plum Fairy every day, even if she never is.

    I am profoundly proud of your daughter for working so hard for her chance and she is a BEAUTIFUL dancer…she has succeeded wonderfully.  

  • http://jofenton.wordpress.com/ Johanna Fenton

    My daughter saw her picture on the screen and pointed and said “rina,” which is short for “ballerina.” Keep in mind, my daughter has autism and her vocabulary is limited, but growing. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be called a ballerina!

  • Lucie

    What a lovely, brave girl.

  • http://www.downtoearthwomen.blogspot.com/ Tracey

    This is such an important lesson for kids today….to work hard, to keep trying despite the rejection, to learn from mistakes and improve what may have kept one from succeeding the time before     ( ie: the bun.) 

    There is also a lesson in learning to let go. Your daughter may not join a dance studio after all or perhaps not in the way she has set in her mind of it happening. When the rejection and the hard work doesn’t pay off in the ways we plan and hope that it will, the landing from that fall can be pretty hard. It helps to have people who love you support you when it happens. 

    But if she’s willing to clean toilets so she can dance, she’s already got a leg up over everyone else. Her expectations already have an element of realism that takes most people quite a bit longer to understand.

  • http://evenonesparrow.blogspot.com even one sparrow

    Beautifully written.  So encouraging, especially as I think ahead to whatever my daughter may want to do.  We most likely will be cleaning studios as well. :)

    A word of encouragement to Jewel:  It’s a long road, but you can do it if you keep your family close and God even closer.  I faced many rejection letters with acting and grad schools, and also many acceptances and roles.  My mistake was thinking I could handle it all on my own.  I lost my foundation in Christ and in my family and I lost it.  So keeping your priorities straight is the best first step in the business.  

    Also, I really think that I squandered my talents.  God gave me amazing gifts and I went out to make a name for myself, and I nearly lost myself in the process.  Had I kept my eyes on Jesus, I think He could have used me in a broken theatre world for His glory, but I misused the talents.  So keep your eyes on Jesus.

  • Debbie

    Thanks for the blog.  Its good to know other people are slaving away at cleaning toilets to help pay for dance.  We’ve been doing it for 4 years now.  And we have had our share of difficult disappointments, one being a body that is unable to do what she wants and she can’t change.  Another opportunity to lay her dreams before the Lord and lovingly trust Him that He knows and loves her.

  • MissT

    “Notes to my daughter…”  is my inaugural read of EE’s blog. It was touching and gut wrenching at the same time. I too am a dance mom. I watch my daughter work hard each week… dancing anywhere from 12-15 hours of class and private lessons each week. Competition season is well on its way and team rehearsals are gearing up which adds another 5-7 hours a week depending on which teams she makes. Key words… depending on which teams she makes. Auditioning is an art in itself and recovery from rejection is another art that has to be learned and refined as someone grows with dance.
    Dance is tough… But it comes with many life lessons, some of which you mention. Jewel is beautiful… I can see her technique in the photos posted.
    Jewel, never give up. If ballet is something you are passionate about, work hard, read about technique, choreography, dancers, the art of dance.
    Recently, my 10 year old dancer started reading her dance magazines. Then she started researching choreographers, techniques and dancers. She has learned a lot and found motivation from dancers like, Misty Copeland. She expressed her interest in Pilates to which we started taking private Pilates lessons. She wants to strengthen her core and refine her ballet, her weakness. I agreed to Pilates as long as she works hard… dance is her job as much as it is her passion. Some may not understand that. We make sacrifices so she can dance… I work hard so she can dance… she dances “hard” so she can keep dancing.
    My daughter is a commercial dancer. This December, she will be apply to the local High School of the Arts for her 7th grade year.  I worry about this endeavor as not only is she heading into 7th grade (if accepted) but she is auditioning with 2500 people for less than 150 spaces in different conservatories.
    Reading your blog punched me in the gut because it reminded me of my worries about auditioning for HS. And yet, refreshed my heart with the true result of life lessons no matter what happens. Hard work deserves rewards… rather it is just the opportunity to dance, to audition or to be accepted. The first being the most important… to be able to dance because it is something “they” love.
    Thank you for sharing!!!

  • http://savannahsweetness.blogspot.com/ Sarah

    Just read your FB post, hooray for Jewel’s acceptance to ABT!  You must provide updates of her experience over the summer.

  • Aysia Jane

     This is amazing.  I’m 22 and have been a dancer for over a decade.  Your daughter is beautiful.  I hope she knows that and I hope she continues dancing her whole life!