The following are composite snippets from real-life conversations I’ve had with my husband.
ISTJ: Come look at this financial spreadsheet I’ve made. It has 80, very specific categories.
ENFP: Aw, you used such pretty colors!
ISTJ: You’re going to have to study this spreadsheet for one hour so you really understand the exact specifics of what I’ve set up here.
ENFP: Did you just say study a spreadsheet for ONE HOUR? I’d rather poke out my eyeballs! Let’s kiss instead!
ISTJ: Absolutely NO kissing! This is serious business.
ENFP: How about sex?
ISTJ: (pause) Maybe after we finish going over this spreadsheet.
ENFP: (in a sexy voice) Oooooh, EIGHTY different categories!
ISTJ: Stop! Now, listen! I need you to keep a record of all your purchases in this column which will automatically calculate how much you’ve spent and how much is left in the budget.
ENFP: (giving a big hug) Aw, that’s genius! Thank you for setting this up! Can you just give me some money now? I need to paint my toes with glitter polish.
ISTJ: Did you forget about the leftover spaghetti sitting on the stovetop?
ENFP: What spaghetti?
ISTJ: The one sitting on the stovetop.
ENFP: Hmmm. I can’t remember what I was going to do with it. Why?
ISTJ: Did you just get busy? I mean, those are good leftovers. I could have used it for lunch tomorrow.
ENFP: I’m sorry! Oh, I’m sorry! I totally forgot! I got busy with…wait. What did I get busy with? Hmm. Oh, yeah! Taking pictures of the roses in the front yard! Did you see them? They’re blooming!
ISTJ: You forgot to put the spaghetti away because you were taking pictures of…flowers?
ENFP: Yeah! Wait. Are you mad?
ISTJ: I don’t get mad, you know that. I just wanted that spaghetti for lunch tomorrow.
ENFP: You’re mad.
ISTJ: I’m not mad. I simply would like to know the exact reason why you forgot about perfectly edible spaghetti.
ENFP: You’re mad, I can tell! You’re totally mad at me! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! (bursting into tears). I forgot about the spaghetti! I don’t have a good reason.
ENFP: Can you hug me?
ISTJ: Yes, but let’s make it brief. I have to go clean up the mess you left in the kitchen.
ENFP: My car looks so pretty today!
ISTJ: That’s because I washed it while you were napping.
ENFP: Oh! No wonder! Thank you! Boy, I do love a good nap. I have the best dreams when I nap. Like yesterday I was dreaming about—
ISTJ: There were a month’s worth of school papers and snack wrappers on the floor of the car. I also found a bill in the glove compartment that you forgot to mail.
ISTJ: When you’re getting out of the car each day, you should take out a handful of trash, too. You know, clean-as-you-go.
ENFP: That’s a good idea! Except I’ll forget. Instead, do you think we could decorate the back of the car with bumper stickers?
ISTJ: No. Bumper stickers are annoying, messy and give complete strangers too much knowledge about our lives.
ENFP: You’re no fun.
ISTJ: You care about fun too much. Life isn’t all about fun, Elizabeth.
ENFP: I’D RATHER DIIIIIE THAN NOT HAVE ANY FUUUUNNNNNN!
ISTJ: (chuckling) I can’t help loving you. But could you just work on keeping the car a bit tidier?
ENFP: Yes! Let’s kiss and makeup!
ISTJ: Ok, fine. But no messy kissing.
ENFP: Oh, noooo. Oh, *weepy* noooo. I don’t want to leave my precious home. *sniff* How will I live without my roses? And without watching my favorite tree change colors?
ISTJ: Don’t worry. I’ve fixed things. Here, come look at this spreadsheet I made.
ENFP: Ok, I will. Does this spreadsheet mean we get to keep our house?
ENFP: Do you forgive me for the spaghetti?
ENFP: And for the messy car?
ENFP: Oh, goody! Does this mean you’ll cuddle me tonight?
ISTJ: Yes. But FIRST, study this spreadsheet with me.
ENFP: Awwww, such pretty colors!!!