Do stay-at-home moms really “WORK”?

Posted on April 13, 2012 by elizabeth

I joined Fox & Friends this morning to discuss a democratic strategist’s recent comments about Ann Romney. Hilary Rosen suggested it was ridiculous for Ann to advise her husband on the economic plight of women since she’s never “worked a day in her life.”

Rosen followed up her comments with an article on HuffPo defending herself (read: only making it worse) and then released a tepid apology saying she was sorry “if I offended anyone.”

Whether Rosen admits it or not, she definitively participated in the Mommy Wars by suggesting that the work of an at-home mom isn’t REAL work. By saying that Ann Romney hasn’t worked a day in her life, Rosen disparages all stay-at-home moms and mocks our life experience as not having any valuable application in the real world.

Look, I’m not even sure I’ll be voting for Mitt Romney in November–frankly, I think President Obama has done a decent job given the nasty situation he received upon entering office–but I sure don’t begrudge Mitt from seeking his wife’s counsel. She has valuable advice! She’s raised 5 successful children!

Just because she hasn’t struggled financially doesn’t mean she’s clueless about hardship: in fact, she’s battled both cancer and multiple sclerosis. What’s the message, here? That unless you’ve been broke, bankrupt or struggled in exactly the same ways as other women you have no valuable insight into what’s important to women? I don’t buy that and think it was small-minded, petty and downright hurtful for Rosen to suggest Ann Romney is irrelevant because she chose to stay home with her kids.

Furthermore, I’m really annoyed with this idea that stay-at-home moms have the LUXURY of staying at home to raise our kids. The truth is that many of us have made incredible financial and career sacrifices in order to be at home with our kids. When I had my first baby it would have made way more CENTS for me to keep working. But I made the decision to stay home and gave up 12 years of earning potential in order to be home with my growing family. Yes, in comparison to third world countries–and, yes, even to the poor here in America–I had the “luxury” of making that choice. But let’s be clear: it has never been LUXURIOUS or easy.

Lastly, I will say that I found President Obama’s support for Ann Romney admirable and thought it was pretty cool that he expressed displeasure with Rosen’s comments.

Anyway, here I am discussing this issue with two other moms. Enjoy!

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http://www.allysgrandma.wordpress.com/ Allysgrandma

Saw you a few minutes ago. While I disagree with your view about the President, I do admire the fact he came out in support of Ann. I too was raised in fundamentalist church and became Catholic at age 31. I kick ass at bible trivia and help my cradle Catholic friend with how to manage her boss who is a “cult” religion in my humble opinion, who truly feel they are the only ones going to heaven, and “shun” their children who leave the church. Really?? You think God wants us to shun our children….anyway will be following you more when I get home. Drove cross country from Northern California to South Carolina to take care of my granddaughter while my daughter and Marine son-in-law prepare for a transfer.

SLP

Yes, I was totally floored to hear this woman say this in ‘public’. I mean, I realize some women feel that way about stay at home moms, but really??? I didn’t think any of them, *especially* a political ‘advisor’ would be dumb enough to *say* it out loud! LOL!

And this ‘luxury’ thing really irks me. My husband and I have six children. He makes 52, 000 dollars a year. It’s a *sacrifice* for me to stay home, it’s hard to make the bills sometimes, but it’s THAT important to us for me to be home. My going out to work is not even seen as an option, b/c the two of us feel it’s so important for me to be here with the children.

I am perfectly capable of using my brain and grasping economical discussions, understanding that others have it harder than I have, or better than I have financially. I am an intelligent person, I read the newspaper, I watch the news channels, I research and I learn about things like the economy etc. And I run my home, and *I* am the one balancing the checkbook, writing out the checks, and making the budget work. So saying that I, as a stay at home mom, don’t ‘get it’ or am not capable of advising anyone on economical issues b/c I ‘don’t work’ (isn’t THAT a laugh! Can’t imagine why I’m so exhausted at the end of the day then!) is just insulting and degrading and ridiculous. It’s like saying I don’t have a brain.

And I’m not in agreement with you about the current President, but I do appreciate that he denounced Ms. Rosen’s statements. I’m not crazy about the Romney’s, but this was just a ridiculous attack.

And Ms. Rosen needs someone to teach her how to make a proper apology rather than that half-a**ed one she threw out there yesterday. A proper apology would have been “I was wrong to say the things I said and I apologize.” not ‘oh gee, sorry if I hurt anyone’s feelings. I didn’t choose the right words’.

My own children know how to apologize better than that!! LOL!

SLP

Katy-Anne

Thing is, she wasn’t wrong so why apologize? My husband and I both work and don’t make nearly what you make. Yes, you have the LUXURY of staying home. You make so much money that you can afford to do it just fine. At least be honest that it is truly a luxury. Of course Mrs Romney has no idea. You have no idea either and this comment shows that.

http://www.facebook.com/brenda.tsuchiya Brenda Tsuchiya

Not sure why you sound so angry but how about we just respect other moms for the sacrifices they make, whatever they are. ALL moms work hard, make sacrifices, etc.

http://twitter.com/rachelisasmith Rachel N. Smith

I guess I just don’t understand why we aren’t in a place where we can say different jobs are different. Like, no, a stay at home mom of 2 probably doesn’t work as hard as a stay at home mom of 7. and a woman who is a corporate executive with a husband who also works probably doesn’t work as hard in a physical labor sense or have to worry about money as much as a single mother who works as a lunch lady. This super american obsession with “oh my gosh look at how busy and hardworking and therefore important I am” has got to stop. Whether or not either woman works “harder” (whatever that means in this context) does not diminish their experience or, necessarily, their ability to empathize with others. But it is still ok to say that a married stay at home mom of one probably doesn’t do as much as a working mother of three who also is expected to come home and take care of her own house. That doesn’t mean one is working and the other isn’t *really* working, but it definitely doesn’t make their experiences “equal.” (again, not sure how anyone’s experience is equal, and therefore not clear on why we are all so worked up about showing that we work just as hard as everyone else.)

I do really appreciate you speaking out on behalf of stay at home moms. My own mother was SAHM, and was extremely hardworking and very motivated. Comments like the ones by Rosen always used to really hurt her feelings. Thank you, EE
KatR

Thinking back on the “stay at home moms” that I have known, the vast majority of them also have income producing jobs. Part time a Chick-Fil-a. Mary Kay. Pampered Chef. Something to bring in money, because…..(drum roll) the majority of familes can’t make it on one income.

Rosen’s comments were dumbass, but the notion that Ann Romney lives a life that has components that are outside the experience of most women is not.

And yes, she has health problems, but her health care is ASSURED because she has money (while her husband is making it his mission in life to take away mine. I HAVE SOME FEELINGS. I’m avoiding swearing with some deep breathing and meditation).

http://faithandfood.morizot.net/ Scott Morizot

Exactly.
http://profile.yahoo.com/Y7XBLIZMCGG7VBN6MTYMQXS4MY Laura

“while her husband is making it his mission in life to take away mine….”

Seriously? Mitt Romney is making it his mission in life to take away your health insurance????

That is a truly horrible thing to accuse him of. Care to back it up, or back off?

This whole thing has been one ugly back-hand slap after another.

http://faithandfood.morizot.net/ Scott Morizot

It takes minimal effort to back that up. Romney has publicly supported repealing the ACA, even though it was based on his plan as Governor of MA and shared the same chief architect. So the millions who have received or continued to receive health insurance from a small business employer who was able to offer or continue to offer health insurance under provisions of the ACA already in effect (or any of the other provisions such as extending the age children can remain on their parent’s insurance to 26 or children with pre-existing conditions or any of a number of other provisions already in effect) would lose their insurance if the ACA were repealed. The stories of people, some of who will likely die if the act is repealed, are legion. And that doesn’t even count the millions more who will gain coverage when the act goes fully into effect and who would be denied coverage if Romney and the GOP has its way.

Romney also supports Ryan and the House GOP plan, which effectively dismantles the FEHB (for everyone except Congress, of course), one of the few remaining well-functioning insurance programs. That’s a direct attack on my family’s health insurance — as is the repeal of the ban on denial of coverage for pre-existing conditions (since my children and I all have celiac disease and my wife has lupus).

I can’t tell you where in those gaping holes Romney wants to reopen and expand that Kat falls into. But since those gaps include over a sixth of all Americans, it’s not hard to imagine they include her somewhere. And under everything the GOP has committed to do, those numbers would expand by millions more, potentially collapsing the shambles of our existing health care system.

I’m sorry if you feel defensive because you support a morally bankrupt party and candidate. But those are cold, hard facts. Reality is a b*tch.

Or maybe Romney doesn’t *really* support all that he’s publicly said he supports and he’s just saying it to win the nomination. I fail to see how that’s any better.

Falfie4

Yeah, I totally agree. In the broader context, Rosen’s comments weren’t at all about whether or not stay at home mom’s “work”. It was about whether or not Ann Romney can relate to the economic crisis most middle and lower class women are facing, and the answer is no.

http://ifmeadowsspeak.blogspot.com/ tammy@if meadows speak

Yes! It’s not easy for us ENFP’s to stay home. It is a sacrifice on many scales for most women to do this. Actually, working OUTside the home was easier for me than WORKing fulltime inside the home. But I have this thing for nuturing relationships, so even when I worked fulltime outside the home (approx 13 yrs) all I wanted was to be home with my family. So I was always conflicted. BUT working at home has been much more difficult than all my years of working fulltime at job outside of home.
Amber V.

BRAVO!
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1014456578 Tracey Solomon

So tired of moms facing off with and ripping other moms… we need each other- and we all sacrifice for our families…this won’t end until we learn to respect each other…
Red

I, too, am weary of moms who make different choices ripping each other to shreds. Working moms accuse SAHMs of “not working,” and SAHMs (especially in the church) subtly imply that working moms don’t value their kids as much.

What a load of crap on both sides. Why can’t people just accept each other’s choices, affirm each other as parents, and let the old adage “to each his own” be their motto? I have known stay-at-home moms, part-time working moms, full-time working moms, dad, aunts, uncles, and granparents who ALL love their kids and are doing their best!
Emily

Let me just say first that I love your writing! I read your blog because I experienced a lot of the same church abuse you did, and it makes me feel comforted to hear how you cope with it all. You reassure me that it’s going to be okay. :) And you turned me on to Joel Osteen! I love your blog.

I’m just confused at what you just wrote because you wrote in November 2010 that:
“Let’s make this entirely clear: it’s a luxury to be a stay-at-home mom. It simply means we make enough money to live on one income and don’t have to choose between working to feed our children or staying home to raise them.”
http://www.elizabethesther.com/2010/11/how-being-an-at-home-mom-isnt-always-the-best-for-kids-or-moms.html

So, which is it? Did you stay home because you could and you still had enough money to live pretty well on? Or because you thought it was best and you sacrificed a lot to be able to do it? (If you’re like me, it was both?) :)

Again, Elizabeth, I am NOT attacking you. I really like you. I just think wonder what you mean.
I personally don’t think Rosen was attacking all SAHMs. I read that she herself SAH for a time. I just think she meant that Mitt sounded silly for saying that he understood women’s economic concerns because his wife tells him what women tell her. Like, triple hearsay there. He would sound more credible if he actually talked to women firsthand. (Maybe he has. I don’t know. But that ‘s not what he said?) Anyway, I think Rosen just meant that Ann isn’t the SAHM that most of us know because she has a lot of domestic support and financial means. Most of us don’t, like you say. Most of us have to SAH and work (or write a blog with ads), at least at some point throughout our lives. Ann has not had to work outside her home. That’s all she meant, I think. I really don’t think she meant to slam her personally or invalidate the horrible health struggles she’s faced.
Anyway, I think this is a hot button for a lot of us, and I certainly understand it riling you up. :)

Anonymous

Thanks, Emily, for this. YES, it’s both.

Yes, it’s a luxury in comparison to the global population but it’s not LUXURIOUS in the sense that I’m lolling about all day eating bon-bons and watching soap operas, you know? What I’ve seen a lot of in the attacks against the Romneys is this snide “they are so rich, they are totally out of touch with the realities the rest of us face.” I don’t really think that’s fair and furthermore, if Rosen was really saying what you suggested, then she should have just said THAT and not made it such a personal, negative remark. Does that make sense?

What I’m really objecting to, here, is when political strategists lobby personal attacks against mothers–whether they are working moms or at-home moms. I’ve seen the snide, ugliness on both sides. And I’m really sick of it.

ALL mothers are working mothers!

Emily

Makes total sense! Agreed. The way she said it was snide. So much more she could have said if she was going to say anything at all.

Ann Bowen

I was a stay at home mom and we struggled mightily to keep it that way. So much so that my husband was gone 5 days a week and I ended up being a single mom. Not fun.
I won’t vote for Romney, I don’t think he’s honest about his religious practices (won’t admit if he baptized the dead) and somehow a man who believes that he will be a God post death and have spirit babies just doesn’t jive with my trust.
I don’t think Ann Romney has much experience with trying to budget school expenses, gas tanks and life in general. She doesn’t relate to my struggles at all.
Nurse Bee

I do think SAHMs work (I’m never sure if I work harder on my days at work or my days off!) But it is true that some women do have the luxury of staying at home. That was never an option for me. My options were to be a working mom or not have kids (at least for another 10 years or so).

I really wish we could just do away with labels and just be women and support each other

http://www.facebook.com/brenda.tsuchiya Brenda Tsuchiya

Amen
http://www.facebook.com/felicia.walkersorrells Felicia MommyMogul Walker-Sorr

and how Nurse Bee!!

Melanie

I think it is crazy to assume a sahm doesnt bring anything to the economic table. They are generally the ones paying the bills and balancing the budget! I am a sahm of two (and for record, I think the working moms have it harder, because in essence they have two jobs, mommy and whatever it is they do professionally), and I see myself as a household manager. I’m making sure our needs are met with finite resources. Don’t tell me I have nothing to offer!
Beth007

This whole comment was blow way out of proportion and taken out of context.
http://twitter.com/avcoxon Alexis Coxon

While I think Rosen was out of line, I do think that Ann Romney (as a woman married to an extremely wealthy man) is probably not in touch with the average family’s financial concerns.
brooke

Fascinating. I honestly wonder what daycare workers, nannies, preschool teachers, teachers, and all who work with children all day long think of comments like that? Anyone who cares for kids (paid or not) works a really big job. Is it only a job if you’re paid to tie their shoes or change the diaper? Plain silliness. And I would think the “shoot down” would have occurred even more if Ann Romney had said that women don’t care about economic issues and showed that she was out of touch. I would think the comment showed she WAS in touch, as it IS an issue a lot of women care about. And I think of Abigail Adams who showed incredible insight in her advice to her husband, even though she wasn’t in the exact same world as everyone else.

I just get tired of the arguing for the sake of arguing. That’s what it sounded like.
http://faithandfood.morizot.net/ Scott Morizot

Rosen was tactless, but having never held a job, having raised five children in the lap of privilege and extreme wealth, and never having even experienced the life of a middle class (much less a poor) mother — SAH or otherwise, Ann Romney has no meaningful economic experience or advice to offer.

My wife married me after she started helping me raise my older son whom we rescued from some pretty extreme abuse — hospitalized and then with a lot of therapy (court ordered and otherwise) and a legal custody case that went on for years. She was a SAHM when I was making rather less than 20k a year because I had to limit my leave to the therapy and legal visits that required my presence so we had enough to live (barely) off.

She has worked outside the home a few times over the years when we absolutely needed the help, but has mostly focused on the kids. It’s gotten somewhat easier as my income has increased, but she certainly understands the underlying economics.

I guess I largely agree with Rosen, though the Southerner in me winces at her bluntness. I would probably say that Ann Romney, bless her heart, has never had to suffer within our economic system while raising her children.
HippieGramma

It’s a little sobering to realize I’ve now been on practically all sides of the Mommy Wars debate; SAHM, WAHM, part-time work, full-time work, and the most loathsome to me —

Single Working Mom. I can honestly say that was the hardest and most exhausting period of my life. I burnt the candle at both ends for so long that I have no memory of parts of it.

And no, as intelligent and informed as I was before my divorce, I didn’t really have a clue about many of the concerns of financially struggling working moms.

I think Rosen phrased it poorly, but in a way she was standing up for ALL women. We all know Romney doesn’t consult his wife about this stuff; it was condescending for him to expect women to believe he does. Also, if Ann is really working as hard being a SAHM (with a household staff) as she claims, (and I don’t have a problem believing she does; let’s face it, most of us moms find a way to work ourselves to death for our children, however that expresses itself), then she doesn’t have even have TIME to fully research and understand those issues that don’t directly affect her or her family at the moment.

And even if she works harder and longer than the average mom, given her financial situation and life circumstances she likely doesn’t truly understand and appreciate the issues the rest of us face on a daily basis.

So for Romney to suggest he “gets us” because he asked his wife was pretty insensitive and dismissive to all moms. I think that was supposed to be the focus. It’s a shame it got lost amidst all the old tired stereotypes.
http://somewiseguy.com ThatGuyKC

Disclaimer: My mom chose to stay home when I hit junior high and homeschool my brother and I. Before you start with the jokes, my mom was in the military, worked for an engineering firm and is an expert markswoman w/ an M-16 machine gun. As for me I’ve got an MBA, work for a Fortune 500 company and have a wonderful family of my own.

Also, I know I’m a dude weighing in on a sensitive issue so please take my comments with a measure of salt and grace.

I think stay-at-home moms work very hard. I could never do their job. I would never want to do their job. That’s why I work in an office and have a commute. I love my kids, but being a house-husband (or stay-at-home-dad) is not how I’m wired.

My wife works as a teacher, but would LOVE the chance to be home. We simply can’t afford it and it breaks my heart. Truly. We’ve run the numbers every which way and the bottom line always turns out red.

What I struggle with are the stay-at-home moms who perpetually complain about their jobs and their kids and rarely say anything positive. I get we all have the right to complain (do we??) about our work, but there are some I know personally who only complain and to a greater degree than anyone (man or woman) who works outside the home.

If you hate your job so much, get a new one! I’m sorry all your kids are at school all day and you can’t take an afternoon nap because that’s when the bus gets home. And God forbid you have to work full time during the summer and Christmas/spring breaks. You are a MOM. Do your job. And like the rest of us who are glad just to be employed in this economy, be grateful. Geez.

To all the other stay-at-home moms (or rather work-at-home moms) who show up every day with their A-game, change dirty diapers, wipe snotty nosed, clean, cook, drive and give Wonder Woman a run for her money (among a thousand other things), I salute you.

I hope your children grow up to honor, respect and value your daily heroics. I know I do.
http://papuagirlindallas.blogspot.com/ Kacie

happy to hear you’re one of the few who think Obama’s done a decent job. Me too!
Mrs.CB

Without reading the story or watching the video, but knowing what I do know of Romney and Rosen’s comment, I think it is safe to say that Rosen was right in her intent, but maybe not in her wording.
If Romney’s wife has never worked a day in her life outside the home, she CANNOT, and has no business advising ANYONE on what it is like for women working outside the home. That would be like a woman who is not a mother telling a mother how to raise her children.
http://www.facebook.com/felicia.walkersorrells Felicia MommyMogul Walker-Sorr

Kind of curious as to why the other two women felt the need to qualify there at-home mom status….HMMMM

Do stay-at-home moms really “WORK”?

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