Men! Please affirm me!

Posted on June 9, 2012 by elizabeth

I started catching glimpses of it while waitressing. I tried to ignore it. Then it would happen again. And I would be all: “That was a fluke.” But then I was watching for it and intentionally trying NOT to do it. That’s when I realized: “Wait, if I’m trying NOT to do something I do without trying, I might have a problem.”

So, I stopped trying NOT to do it and instead just watched myself. Like, I stood outside my body and watched how I behaved. I didn’t judge myself. I just watched.

And there it was. Again and again.

I went home one day and burst into tears because: OMG, I HAD NO IDEA I SPENT SO MUCH OF MY LIFE TRYING TO PLEASE MEN.

Yeah. There it is.

I am acutely and hyper-aware of men and their reactions toward me. I go out of my way to make sure they are happy, have everything they need and are totally satisfied. I try to meet their needs before they even ask. If I disappoint a man, I feel terrible. Yes, this makes me a good server—IF I did the same thing for women.

The thing is, I have to intentionally remind myself to make women happy. Generally speaking, serving women is more challenging. They have complicated orders (salads with multiple modifications: no dressing, no onions, extra dressing on the side). Women like to split the check five different ways with three different credit cards, cash and a gift card. In some ways, women are harder to please. So maybe that’s why it’s harder for me to try and make them happy?

I wish it were as simple an explanation as that.

I have a feeling it goes deeper. I have this nagging suspicion that my childhood conditioning hard-wired me to seek the approval of men.

In my world, men were Everything. They made all the big decisions and were never questioned. They could come and go as they pleased, they could sit down and relax without anyone questioning them. They could bluntly order people around and that was absolutely their God-given prerogative.

Women, on the other hand, had to ask permission for everything. We never did anything without first obtaining approval. I was so accustomed to getting approval before making ANY decision on my own that to this day, I still have to remind myself that I’m allowed to use the restroom without asking permission from my boss.

I’ve been outside fundamentalism for 10 years now and have relearned a whole new way of living. But working as a waitress has brought back  all the Deferring-To-Men behavior. I’m honestly disgusted with myself.

It’s second nature for me to scan the needs of men and hurry to meet their needs. I fall all over myself trying to make them happy. And then when they reward me with a compliment or a good tip, I feel perfectly satisfied. Which I guess would be fine IF I did the same thing for women.

I had this moment a few weeks ago where I was like: am I an unintentional misogynist? Why else would I rush to fix a man’s order when his food isn’t prepared correctly but when a woman is unhappy with her food, I assume she’s just being picky?

This has been a huge wake-up call for me. Even though I call myself a feminist and a strong supporter of women, I am partially blind to my own misogynistic treatment of women.

Now that I’ve seen this about myself, I’m making an intentional effort to behave differently.

The truth is that I really want to be a good server–to everyone. I like helping people. I actually enjoy providing excellent service. Realigning my perspective to see the needs–not the gender–of each patron I’m serving has helped me render higher quality service.

Seeing every PERSON as equally worthy of my attention and favor is not only important, it’s a vital philosophical virtue: valuing our common humanity is superior to favoring one gender over the other.

Or as any good Greek restaurant will tell you: life, liberty and hummus for all!

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  • http://greenmomintheburbs.wordpress.com/ Jenn the Greenmom

    Wow…this is seven kinds of awesome. (At least.) I don’t know too many people who are able to do this kind of fearless examination of themselves, no excuses, no focus-shifting…awesome.

    Keep us posted on how this goes, okay? (You’ve made me totally want to check out and then hopefully check my own unconscious knee-jerk behaviors…) Just…wow.

  • Natasha

    I get this. I’ve found in my life that if I get approval or a compliment on my achievements from a man (even if it’s someone I don’t know well) it seems to be more significant- dare I say better?- than if a woman gave me the same approval or compliment. I think, like you, that this attitude was drilled into me as a child. I didn’t grow up in a really far out christian culture (and I don’t have a dysfunctional relationship with my Dad either which some folks would cite as a cause) but even in the more mainstream churches I think ‘male worship’ creeps in.

    As a feminist and egalitarian I feel so crappy when I realize I’m doing it again. I know it is dishonoring to myself and to all women. *sigh*

    It’s comforting to hear that I’m not the only one who struggles in this area.  :)

    • Anonymous

      You know, I used to do this in my writing, too. Like I wanted to have a DIVERSE readership of women AND men. I’ve stopped caring about that so much. I like writing TO women. I don’t care if men think I’m too emotional. :) In my writing, I fully embrace my femaleness. Weird?

      • Miles O’Neal

        Embracing who you are is one of the healthiest things you can do!

  • http://www.facebook.com/deborah.delagarrigue Deborah de la Garrigue

         I think that it is just natural to want to please the opposite sex.  Women ARE picky and annoying.  I should know, I am one.  
         I used to wait tables long ago.  I treated men and women the same way.  I tried to make everyone happy.   But for whatever reason, the women came off as more annoying.  Perhaps it’s just because we don’t care as much about impressing them.  We are not looking for their approval.  
         How about this one, though?  When you are waited on by a man at a restaurant, and he does a good job, aren’t you more impressed with the service than if it had been a woman?  Is that because we expect women to serve us?  I also remember that the males tended to make more in tips, whether or not their service was good.  They tended to get away with a lot more.  Some male servers could really charm the women and get super duper tips.  Funny.  
         I think you are quite normal, Elizabeth!  Don’t strain your brain too much about it.

    • Anonymous

      Yeah, women are “expected” to serve. When a man serves well, we are all kinds of impressed!

  • Elaine Hansen

    thanks for risking by sharing yourself.  And, I am now going to start paying attention to who I “give my attention”.  

    It is the ever challenging question, “how am I contributing to the thing I complain about?”

  • Nina Murphy

    Wow. I feel like crying.  This is so me.  ESPECIALLY after having nine kids…ha.  But I have always had this problem.  No matter how beautiful or talented or intelligent or charismatic I am told I am, it never is internalized.  But get attention/affirmation  from a man, and I am high as a kite all day.  It is pathetic and…..scary.  :)  Thanks, again, E., for nailing it.  Are you a carpenter—- because you always nail it!  (Stealing that from Ellen….ha.)

    • Anonymous

      so true. if my female friends tell me I’m awesome or amazing, it doesn’t make me AS happy as if a man says it to me. when a man–especially my husband–tells me i’m awesome? dude. I’m SO happy and confident ALL day long!!!

      • Tara S

        I bet half of this is just psycho-social acuteness.  We can tell that men are (generally speaking) less relationally-oriented and less apt to give positive verbal feedback as a matter of course.  So positive male feedback is like, “WOW! It must be really noticeable, if a guy felt compelled to comment!”  :-)

        • Tara S

          “psycho-social” like psychological-social. Not like “deranged-social”.

  • Anonymous

    I’m a nurse and some of the service-type of dynamics involved are the same as waitressing. Generally speaking, men are easier to take care of and more grateful for whatever you do for them.

    My upbringing doesn’t sound really similar to yours in terms of male-female relationships, ie, it definitely was not men make all the decisions, women wait on them and don’t question. It was not like that at all, actually. That said, I can still relate to alot of your feelings. I think as Deborah said, we’re just wired to want to please the opposite sex (especially attractive members of the opposite sex, of course). For men, that might mean earning alot of money and having alot of material stuff (I guess because this sends the signal that you can support a family and I think guys just like toys); for women, it’s wanting to be attractive and to care for others to an extent. As you were waiting on men, they were probably wondering how they could impress YOU, eg, by leaving a generous tip.

    I don’t blame you though for wanting just to sort of treat everyone equally and not “give in” to any instincts that may make you seem servile.

    • Anonymous

      loved this! and agreed…men CAN impress me by leaving a generous tip. and since i’m a straight woman, are my instincts naturally wired to please the opposite sex? probably.

  • Dedangelo

    Awareness is a good first step. Why are women picky eaters? Because not eating is a sign of femininity, right? Why do some women not tip well? Because we are taught not to value women’s work or we don’t make as much, so have less to give as a tip. We are all imbued with misogyny just by virtue of living in our culture. It’s often very subtle.

  • Amanda S Wright

    You should not be surprised – it is Biblical. It was an element of God’s consequence for womankind to have our desires locked in on men (Genesis 3:16). Even though we are currently under Grace, that fundamental aspect of womanhood is not gone and will never be until either 1) the earth is redeemed (new heaven/earth), or 2) you’re in heaven!! So don’t be dismayed with yourself and/or discouraged :-) However, moving forward you can try to work on balancing out the application of that to exclude men in general and have a more generalistic approach.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_4QMUQWAZLLY4IXV7UKUW42HTSQ jeanelane

       I was thinking the same thing, Amanda!  I’m glad I kept reading comments before I made the same one. 

      I think the best way to ‘fight’ against these seemingly natural behaviors is to ask the Holy Spirit, who is within us, to help us treat everyone as they should be.  Human relations will always be skewed without His work in us.

      • Amanda S Wright

        Yes, you are exactly right – we must ask the Holy Spirit to help us in this area!

    • Nina Murphy

      Gosh, this really spoke to me.  Thank you, Amanda.  GREAT.  I am taking this to heart.

  • http://faithandfood.morizot.net/ Scott Morizot

    Hummus for all!

    It’s a good rallying call. ;-)

  • http://www.facebook.com/deborah.delagarrigue Deborah de la Garrigue

    Okay.  This may sound weird, but I am weird.  Is it possible that when women are still in their child-bearing years that we just naturally gravitate to and want to please men?  I am thinking that as we get older, we will lose that urge to please and attract men.  I just can’t help but think that most of this behavior has to do with keeping the human race going.  

    • Anonymous

      Brilliant!!!!! I will say this: now that I’m 35 and done (I think) with having kids, I’ve noticed this urge to please men is not AS strong as it was in my teens and early 20′s. THANK GOD. And, yeah, I wonder how much of this is just biological/genetic? Great point, Deborah!!!

      • http://www.facebook.com/deborah.delagarrigue Deborah de la Garrigue

        I am 42 and have definitely noticed a change within myself regarding this.  And as I deal with getting older and looking older, I find myself not relying on my looks as much as I once did or how men react to me.  I can definitely say that there has been a big change between the mid-30s and early 40s for me in this regard.  And it’s definitely been an interesting process.

      • http://kibblesbits.wordpress.com/ Ann

        You know, I’m hitting menopause, my youngest is 10, and I’m not feeling it either.  Very interesting. Not sure how much of a man pleaser I used to be years ago though, but I married young to someone who was just as independent as I was, so maybe I got the security without needing to please him?

  • KatR

    Yeah, I don’t think the desire to prioritize men over women is biological or biblical, it’s the outgrowth of a society that values men over women, and it’s typically even more pronounced in churches.

    As far as women being picky or demanding there is about a millimeter of space  between being a doormat and being a bitch. No way to win.

    • Anonymous

      Ah, Kat. You hit it outta da park again.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1622076325 Sunny Hemphill

    My son is a restaurant server. He says men and women are both annoying and rude and difficult to please.  He says the women servers always make bigger tips and are asked to do less by male customers. Women servers ‘tart it up’ before their shift because they know men will respond to that. And, men order more food and more expensive food/drinks when they’re ordering from female servers. I don’t think it’s Biblical. I think it’s cultural — probably biological. God loves us all the same, She doesn’t differentiate  between male and female. That’s a human thing and something we can change once we’re aware of it. My son says he will never tip a female server more than a male server, or flirt with one or leer. Experience and upbringing can change a lot of things.

    • http://www.facebook.com/deborah.delagarrigue Deborah de la Garrigue

      Sounds like we don’t need to change anything.  Apparently, the men take care of the female servers and the women take care of the male servers.   In the end, it’s all equal!  

    • Amanda S Wright

      If its not Biblical, then what do you do with the Bible verses than lend some explanation to the existence of this phenomena? I understand many may not agree with what the Bible says and/or choose to ignore it, but it IS Biblical insofar as literally being “from the Bible.”

  • Libby

    OMG!!  I’ve just seen this in my life recently, too.   If a man agrees with my thoughts, ideas, and feelings, I am right.  If a woman does, it’s just another woman supporting me in a woman’s understanding of the world.  I didn’t realize how insidious this was.

  • Miles O’Neal

    We tend to look at God in the light of our parents and other influential people in our lives. You might want to talk with God about that. I can refer you to something I wrote on that if you’re interested, too.

  • http://twitter.com/SpecsBear Spectacled Bear

    Yes! I do exactly this! Constantly striving to be more respectful, more pleasing, more accommodating to men. You’ve challenged me to try and change that- thank you!

  • http://workingwomansguidetodinner.blogspot.com/ Mrs. Tuna

    I was lucky to be raised where women were always treated as equals. It made me the self reliant person I am today.

  • http://cajoh.blogspot.com Christopher Johnson

    Perhaps there is a sense of subconscious competition between women. I sometimes wonder if I too treat men and women differently. Thank you for the thought provoking post.

  • Claire

    I don’ t think this is unique to your upbringing, in this context anyway.  I didn’t get married till I was almost 35, so I spend many years going out to dinner with female friends.  The service we received was glaringly worse than the service at tables with either all men or a combination of both genders.  Surprisingly, since getting married, I haven’t noticed it when I go out with a female friend, but that’s probably because I dine out so much less frequently now than I did when I was single.

    I am also a nurse, and I see many parallels between nursing and waitressing in terms of service, time management, etc.  However, I always worked in a women’s hospital (I know work at a health insurance company part-time), so I honestly can’t evaluate how I treated male patients vs female patients.

  • http://alshaw.blogspot.co.uk/ Al Shaw

    May I firstly *affirm* you for your interesting, honest and thought-provoking piece.

    May I then ask a question? Is there a danger that all of us, men and women, seek our ultimate life-affirmation in other human beings, when in fact we are made to only find it in the being, love, grace and fellowship of God himself?

    Just asking. 

    • Anonymous

      Yes, that is the danger. I’m learning this. Slowly. :)

      • Nina Murphy

        Oh, yes, yes, yes.  That is the rub!  The truth is:  we can’t find it in our parents,  friends, our spouses, or even our children.  It is a stark truth we MUST come to or our own health, well-being, and safety (self-care and protection) will be at risk.

  • http://thehomespunlife.com Sisterlisa

    I see your point and appreciate the transparency you shared here. I spent the first portion of my life taking, taking, taking. Until I learned about the Greatest Servant…and it changed in me. Then I began developing a heart to serve, which really is just having a hospitable heart. Looking back I think I felt more inclined to be hospitable to my sisters rather than to men. Then I got really mixed up in ‘serving’ (ministering?) to the leadership and I lost my focus on just being hospitable to everyone. I enjoy being hospitable, but when it feels like I’m obligated to ‘serve’ people who have an entitlement attitude..you know..the ones who silently say “you’re a woman, you’re supposed to do this” then I shut down totally. They can get it themselves. :P Does your restaurant have a sign that says “We have the right to refuse service to anyone”? I would need that if I were to be a waitress. 

  • Julie

    I’m almost cringing, because I think I can relate to this….and I really don’t want to. It’s good to realize it, but man, it really is hard to deal with.