I’m not an extrovert?????

Posted on July 3, 2012 by elizabeth

I guess you could call this whole thing an identity crisis. Or maybe just a misdiagnosis crisis. Anyway, things just aren’t adding up–which is to say, I have always self-identified as extroverted mainly because I have great social skills and am generally effusive and enthusiastic. But I was missing one major component: I never admitted to myself that social interaction exhausts me. True extroverts GAIN energy from social interaction. Me? I feel utterly sapped, sucked dry.

I like to come out of my safe underground burrow for brief public appearances and then scurry back inside to rest, recoup and reflect on everything that happened.

While I enjoy social interaction (and am never anxious about meeting new people), it totally depletes me. I feel ragged and undone. I have to hobble back to my nest of pillows and be very, very quiet for awhile.

I routinely avoid parties. I back out of playdates. I need lots of recovery time after church or group activities. I used to think I was just hyper-sensitive about religious group activities, but the reality is that ANY group activity exhausts me—even Bunco!

The thing is, I always self-identified as an extrovert because–in the words of my therapist–I enthuse. I am full of spirit. I thrive on human connection and relish relationships.

But the truth is that I’ve never been able to join anything: moms groups, play-groups, book clubs. I get all torn up and exhausted and prefer to live on the fringe–just observing, taking it all in and singling out one or two people upon whom I devote my attention and energy.

“Maybe you’re just an introvert with excellent social skills,” my therapist suggested.

I chewed on this.

“Writers are generally introverted,” she remarked. “You’re an observer. You reflect. You live inside your head and mull, ponder, turn things over.”

Which is true.

Furthermore, unlike the classic ENFP, I have rarely acted impulsively. Like, ever. Although I’ve always considered myself the impulsive ENFP the truth is that I have lived a very circumspect, disciplined life. Like an ENFP, I do feel everything but I use my words (instead of actions) to express myself.

The odd thing is that I don’t mind public speaking or going on national TV. Yes, I get a little nervous but I can handle it just fine. These things don’t exhaust me. Rather, I’m exhausted by things like family vacations, girls’ weekends (yes, I know, I suck as a girlfriend), dinner parties (if you’ve ever wondered why I rarely entertain? this is why), playdates, double-dates, family dinners, holidays, small groups, baby showers, bridal showers, women’s bible studies.

I don’t know why I’ve never seen this about myself before. Well, actually. I do know why. It’s far better to be extroverted in American society. At least, I think so. Extroverted people are well-liked because they are connectors. We rely on the extroverts to bring people together. The truth is that I love making connection–but then I get all exhausted and need to scurry away and think about it for a long time.

At the end of the Bolivia trip last summer, I left a day early. For one thing, I couldn’t bear being away from my children for one. more.day. The other thing was that I was so utterly spent, so utterly exhausted and TOTALLY depleted that I simply could NOT go on another day. I was such a wreck by the time I got on my final plane flight home, that I needed a Xanax. By the time I landed in Los Angeles, I was practically comatose.

Even after that, I kept thinking I was an extrovert.

Maybe I’m half-and-half? Maybe I’m a borderline introvert/extrovert? Maybe—like almost everything else in my life—I don’t fit neatly into one category.

One last story:

I have never flipped out so badly as I did the one time we went on a family camping trip in a pop-up trailer. When it started raining, there was nowhere for me to go. There was no private space where I could burrow down and hide. I literally had a massive panic attack and had to drive to a nearby hotel to spend the night.

So, all this to say: forgive me for misleading you. Apparently, I don’t know myself as well as I thought I did.

Ah, well. Onward.

Book suggestions for introverts? Hit me up, yo.

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  • http://aprilkarli.com/ april karli

    Welcome to introvert-land! 

    I just finished reading a book called The Introvert Advantage. It was very helpful in identifying things I thought were “wrong” with me which are really just introvert qualities.

    Quiet by Susan Cain is another good one. It’s new. 

    And one I haven’t read yet but it’s on my list is Introverts in the Church. Adam McHugh’s blog is great, too. 

    • Amielou31

      I second the rec for The Introvert Advantage. I had the same experience reading it…constantly saying “that’s why I’m like that!” 

  • http://heretichusband.blogspot.com/ Heretic Husband

    I’m the same way, and I identify as an introvert.  Though I’m less tired by social events now that I’m on Prozac, I still don’t GAIN energy from them.  And if I don’t periodically get alone time (even if it’s just commuting to work), I get very drained.

    I don’t have any book suggestions.  Currently I’m looking for info on how an introvert can parent extroverted kids without losing their sanity.

    • Nina

      Ha!  I love this.  I think I HAVE!  Very very challenging….. As much as I love ALL nine of my children, I must say, I find angst and anxiety constantly creeping up  with my extroverts.  It’s a daily battle.  And, actually, my husband, God bless him.  Exhausting.

  • http://somuchshoutingsomuchlaughter.com/ suzannah {the smitten word}

    adam mchugh’s introverts in the church is All The Buzz, and on my “to read.”

    i’m like you–outgoing and unfazed by strangers but ultimately in need of solitude to recharge. i match the ENTP profile more than INTP, but i am definitely energized by quiet more than crowds, every time.

  • Susan

    Sometimes it’s a close call. I’m an INFP with social skills – skills which last at most for an hour at which time I run for the ladies’ room for a time. 

  • http://sarahaskins.com Sarah Askins

    You’re in good company with us introverts…

    Susan Cain’s books “Quiet” is on my to read pile. Her research about introversion is fantastic, and if you have 20 minutes, her TED talk is great too.

    • Renees Jewelry Designs

      I have added this book to my list of books to read. Thank you – it looks like it will be a good read! :)

  • Murdenkim

    Have you ever thought that your experiences of living in a very controlling environment could have disrupted this aspect of your personality? Maybe you would have been more truly one or the other if you had grown in an emotionally more healthy atmosphere? Maybe just forget the whole thing and get on with being who you want to be!!

  • http://www.pasttensepresentprogressive.blogspot.com/ Latebloomer

    I see it has already been mentioned, but Susan Cain’s book Quiet is extremely worthwhile.  She talks about a lot of the things you mentioned…such as people acting like “pseudo-extroverts” because of the pressure of society to be extroverted, how/when/why extroversion became more valued in our society, the importance of introverts’ contributions, and people confusing social skills with extroversion.  My favorite part was about parenting introverted kids, since I likely have one of those (although he’s just a toddler now).  Interesting stuff!  

  • http://cuppboard.blogspot.com Elizabeth Erazo

    I’m an ambivert! I score almost exactly in the middle of the extrovert-introvert scale. While you may think this would mean that I could be energized & satisfied by one or the other,  it usually means I need a significant amount of both to truly feel balanced and rested (much to the frustration of my husband).  If I’m lacking either, I get fussy. I also find myself energized by being around people, but keeping to myself (i.e. shopping around alone at the a mall or bookstore where I can smile and briefly interact, but in small quantities. I love that.)

    I also score almost exactly in the middle between thinking & feeling.   It doesn’t mean you don’t fit in! It just means you’re balanced (think positive, amirite?)!

    No book recommendations for this issue, but I’m reading the “Until Death Do Us Part” about Ingrid Betancourt who was kidnapped and held hostage in the rainforest of Columbia after running for election on an anti-corruption ticket. It is a really great read! :)

    • http://wheresrocket.com/ Becky

      My husband is the same way – needing equal doses of being around people and recharging on his own. We still think of him as an ENFJ, because his dominant cognitive functions seem to line up with that type, but it’s helpful to remember “ENFJ and also ambivert.” 

      Learning about cognitive functions can be helpful in figuring out your MBTI type when you score right in the middle. And remembering that ambiversion is a real thing is helpful to me in helping my spouse out, because I’m just about as introverted as it gets. :)

  • Rose

    So interesting, Elizabeth! To be honest, I was always really taken aback while reading your blog by how you manage to be so responsible and level-headed for someone who identifies on the more impulsive side of the spectrum….Okay, that was a mega run-on sentence, but what I mean is this really makes sense to me. 

    I’m very similar in that I need to be alone to recharge. I think there is a real misconception in our society about introverts, namely that we’re all anti-social and don’t like people. The honest truth is that I LOVE people, I really do! I love to be around all kinds of people, I truly treasure my relationships, I love talking to people, gain incredible satisfaction from a good conversation, and I feel other people’s emotions deeply. BUT, I need my private time like whoa! Most people just don’t understand how those things can co-exist. 

  • ARM

    Or maybe, just maybe, Meyers-Brigg categories are not gospel.  At best, I find them sometimes-handy descriptors that fit some people, but falsify in as many cases as they illuminate, flattening out many important human traits and differences.

  • Tara S

    ENFP’s are the most rare type (at 1-2%), but I bet it’s actually over-claimed, because the NFP’s just love people so much that some INFP’s probably think they are ENFP’s.  :-)   

    I have always tested as an ENFP (bordering the E and I), but I do start to wither with too much social energy, and am frightened of most social groups without a clear script (i.e. I am fine working in the service industry because I know what I’m supposed to do, but I go hide in the corner at parties and wait for someone friendly to come save me).

  • Anonymous

    I ditto some of the other comments, when I say, “Welcome to the Introvert world!”  

  • http://modernmrsdarcy.com/ Anne Bogel

    Oh, EE, this delights me. I’m an INFP and I am hoping you’ll write some INFP posts now!

    Yes and yes to Introverts in the Church and Quiet. I was honestly afraid Quiet would be boring, but it was fabulous. Cain is a fantastic storyteller.

    And Adam’s book is fascinating, and was hugely validating for me as an introvert in evangelical culture.

    • Itishappytolove

      I LOVE the book Introverts in the Church!! Has helped me hugely in my understanding of my placement in the church and it put a voice to lots of things I have felt. Very helpful for me as an INFJ and someone who loves ministry and being with/ giving to people but then feels tired and super depleted.

  • http://www.jrforasteros.com JR. Forasteros

    I’d be interested in your thoughts on McHugh’s “Introverts in the Church”. Though it’s largely written at Evangelicals. Still though…

  • http://clearingthesill.blogspot.com/ The Sojourner

    I just finished “Quiet” and wasn’t such a big fan. Maybe because it focused a lot on examples from the corporate world, which I’ve never been a part of and probably never will be. Maybe because I already have a bit of an Introvert Pride Club with one of my best friends and thus didn’t need to hear about the advantages of being introverted. (We met over the internet, live in different states, and text-chat about once a week. It wouldn’t be Introvert Pride Club if we actually SPOKE to each other! ;) )

    The only chapter in Quiet that I found relatable was the one giving advice to extroverted parents of introverted children, but I still didn’t enjoy that one for reasons you can probably guess.

    I’d much more enjoy a book about how to cross that communication gap between introverts and extroverts. For example, at some point about 2 years ago somebody said to me that extroverts tend to talk just because they have thoughts in their heads and those thoughts come out as words. That was a REVELATION for me, because I was constantly like, “What do you want me to DO about that?” (I’m like the stereotypical man in that regard [note: am actually a woman]; if you tell me about your problems I will want to fix them.)

    Anyway. Welcome to the club. I hope you enjoy our lack of meetings. :)

    P.S. Obligatory disclaimer here about how all introverts are very different. I’m an INTJ myself, so in addition to disliking crowds I dislike feelings and spontenaeity, and thus probably sound like more of a party-pooper than, say, an INFP.

  • http://denisejhughes.com/ Denise J. Hughes

    Great insight. I’m an INTP/J. I always split the difference between the P and J.

    But my husband splits the E/I spectrum. Odd duck that he is. :) Just kidding. I think it’s pretty normal.

    I love what you said here about public speaking. As a “100% introvert,” I don’t get nervous about public speaking. Perhaps a career in teaching helps one to overcome that. I don’t know. But I do know that I need lots of “down time,” “recovery time,” or “reflection time.” It’s so very, very necessary.

    I see you’re speaking at Allume. I’m attending. I look forward to hearing you in person. It’s my first time attending a blogging conference, and since so many writers are also introverted, I’m curious what such a conference will be like! I’m sure I will probably scurry away to “recover” in my room at moments. :)

  • Mark S.

    You mean you could be an INFP like me? Weeeeeeeeeeee! Your situation hit home: I can do the social thing but need, NEED, to decompress, in private after work amongst the extroverts. It’s all good. And you are one of a kind. That is very good.

  • Anonymous

    You sound like a mix of me and my husband. People think he is extroverted. He is a youth minister and spends a ton of time with people. He preaches. He teaches. He SEEMS extroverted.

    He isn’t. The man could go days without speaking (and has when on silent retreat at Gethsemani).

    I, like you, assumed I was extroverted for a while. But, the truth is, I breathe a sigh of happiness when a quiet day stretches out before me and I know I will be in solitude.

  • Elizabeth

    I have enjoyed your blog very much ever since I started reading, and I pray that you will continue to find blessing and freedom on the your path. :) As someone who has also been through abuse and also struggles with how to define my religious beliefs (Christian, but The Church drives me crazy), I can relate to so much of what you write.

    This post interests me because I have often wondered about my extraverted vs. introverted tendencies as well. I have identified as ENFJ for about 10 years and I do think this is my type. However, for the past couple of years I have felt like I’m going through an introverted stage. My personal conclusion is that I have not turned into an INFJ and that I was not mistyped to begin with. I have concluded that I am an extravert (according to the admittedly limited scope of Myers-Briggs), but that my abuse history makes me jumpy around people a lot of the time and during recent years as I really tried to process the abuse, I have legitimately pulled away and needed more alone time.

    It is true that being around people makes me jumpy and exhausts me. I have trouble keeping up in-person friendships (online is a lot easier for me). However, I am convinced that I am a Myers-Briggs extravert because I process best externally (although I do a lot of mulling things over and thinking things through on my own). Also, when I am relaxed, then I would prefer to be with friends than to be alone (this not to say that being around people relaxes me, but that when I am most relaxed and true to myself, THEN I am also most happy if I can be with others instead of alone).

    I think for me the hardest part of coming to terms with my abuse has been that I have to admit that it messed up my natural personality. I have had to face traits (such as social anxieties) that didn’t come naturally to me. While an introvert would have been saddled with some natural shyness, as an extravert, that was an extra problem I was given because of my abuse. Now, I have to deal with having a big mouth (a more typical extravert problem) PLUS social anxieties. It sucks. But I might as well admit this is what I got in life, and then work to deal with it.

    Anyway, whatever your natural preference is, whether it’s extraverted or introverted, I pray that God will continue to bless your journey toward self-understanding and understanding of the divine. Thanks for your wonderful blog, and blessings along the journey!!

  • elledee

    As an introvert, I bristle at even your therapist’s comment.  ”Perhaps you’re an introvert with excellent social skills…”  

    Being an introvert does not mean you don’t have social skills, and being an extrovert doesn’t mean you don’t enjoy anything that isn’t a party.  It means, as you stated, you draw your energy from solitary things more so than from social interaction.  

    It is true that being an extrovert is far more appreciated and understood these days, demonstrable by your therapist’s comment.  After all, we introverts are typically one dinner party away from going postal…sheesh.

    • KatR

       Yes, it’s interesting how even professionals think that introvert automatically means shy or socially awkward.

      • http://anniewald.com/ Annie Wald

        but most likely if they are extroverted professionals…

        • Falfie4

           Actually, most therapists are introverts.

      • Falfie4

         I wonder if her therapist was really just using Elizabeth’s definition of introvert/extrovert to help her see things differently.  As therapist’s we are trained to enter the client’s mental framework.  Since Elizabeth didn’t believe she could be an introvert because of her social skills, she may have just used that definition to help her see things differently.  Not to make a mountain out of a molehill (I know it really doesn’t matter), but as a therapist, it’s just a matter of pride for me since we receive extensive training in personality types.  *Stepping off of soapbox now*  :)  

        • Anonymous

          This is EXACTLY what happened. I was ruminating about my confusion; ie. “how can I have such great social skills? doesn’t that automatically make me an extrovert?” This was when my therapist suggested: “maybe you’re an introvert with great social skills.” My therapist was echoing and entering my mental framework–not in ANY way denigrating or misunderstanding what it means to be an introvert. Thank you, Falfie. I appreciated this.

  • Holly

    I recently read  Introvert power : why your inner life is your hidden strength  by  Laurie Helgoe.  I came away from that book with a much better understanding of myself.  I can be very outgoing, but if I don’t retreat I crash and burn.  From what I’ve learned there is a scale of outgoingness among introverts, and we all fall into different places within the scale.   It is a great book…it really helped me to understand myself even more, and to stop fighting with myself about things that are simply a part of who I am.

  • Candice

    Adam Mchugh recently guest blogged on Chatting at the Sky.  You might find it interesting.

  • Anonymous

    We introverts are often misunderstood, but I think we are pretty cool. :)

  • Rebekah

    I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m a shy extrovert. Because while I really do feel energized by time spent with people–the difference between the way I feel after a party compared to my unquestionably introverted husband’s reaction is clear–I am terrible at, and avoid, the first steps involved with meeting new people. So I see no reason why you could not be a socially skilled introvert!

  • Elizabeth

    I’m an introvert who doesn’t mind public speaking (as long as the group is large enough).  I know other introverts who are the same.  Public speaking and intro/extro version have little to do with each other (their Venn diagrams hardly overlap).
    A real introvert would probably NOT enjoy speaking to a smallish group of people b/c then it is more interactive and personal.Many introverts (like me) don’t mind getting up in front of a huge group of people b/c than it is just the speaker delivering a message to an (impersonal) audience.  Plus – you have a ‘role’ to play as the Speaker. It is much harder for introverts if it is banter back and forth and you are trying to lead a discussion with a dozen people in a book club or something. 

    Does that make sense?  It is a common misconception to think that introverts must not like public speaking.  Not at all true.

    I do think the KEY and essential way to differentiate between into/extroversion is all about whether you gain energy by being with people or not (as you pointed out).

  • http://turquoisegates.blogspot.com/ Genevieve Thul@Turquoise Gates

    I am so with you on this one! All through high school, whenever I was made to take those stupid things, I came out either just barely an extrovert or just barely an introvert (by one question or something like that). I am neither one nor the other. I love connecting – but it is exhausting. I have to ration my energy and find groups or people that I can be really safe with – and can truly be myself with. And I need to be alone sometimes, too. You’re right – motherhood has turned me more into an introvert than any other experience of my life – because there is literally no space – or even a body part, in the beginning, it seems – that is “off limits” to small children, no retreat that is sacred for even 5 minutes!! So trying to add any other people into your life?!! Forget it, Charlie! Maybe that is why it becomes clearer during these years, when we draw inward more? Maybe we will grow outward again when we can go to the bathroom for an entire 15 minutes without an interruption, or read through 3 chapters of a book without pausing, or sit on the front porch swing and breathe in the fresh air without being pestered? Let me know when you find out! :-)

  • Ami

    This is why I hate doing the social thing in the evening:  I’m already tired from my day and then being around people (even people I enjoy) just depletes me more.  
    The best book I ever read about introverts/extroverts was in a parenting book called “Raising Your Spirited Child.”  They had an entire chapter devoted to this subject.  

  • Lucy

    I actually LOL’d at this. Not at you, of course, but because this sounds so familiar! Not for me, but for my husband and one of my friends. My husband and I joke that he’s an introverted extrovert and I’m an extroverted introvert. He talks on the phone all the time, maintains relationships well, is great at parties, etc., but when he gets home from work or anything that involves people who are difficult, he crashes and needs to retreat to his “cave.” I can go for days without speaking to anyone, never call anyone (my friends are true friends – they know to call me. And they still do!), and can only do one social thing per weekend. And yet, get me out with my close friends and I’m buzzed for an hour! And I’m a high verbal. I’ve learned (with age and my husband’s help) to be good at parties, although I dread them up until the moment I’m there.

    All that to say, there’s a spectrum. I also think that one’s social needs vary at different points in one’s life. When I was a mother of young children, I needed more contact with other people. Now my kids are older and I need more time alone (as in, no one in the house – older kids are complicated, y’all!). Same with my husband – he was the social coordinator for his fraternity in college, but now I might actually have more friends than he does.

    Like others have mentioned, I liked Quiet, although it does deal more with work environments. I’ve done a lot of reading about introverts online (I’m an INFJ/P) which has really been helpful. Another book I found helpful (although not directly related to introversion) was Living With Intensity. As an intense person (with intense children), it was very interesting and helped me to understand why I (and my children) feel certain things with such… intensity. :)

  • Farmersmarketsarah

    Someone has probably already suggested this, but The Introvert Advantage by Marti Olsen Laney–changed.my.life. I am also a high functioning social introvert who is totally depleted by my interactions with people. 

    • sb

      I second the recommendation of this book. I am always thought to be an extrovert because I am chatty and very outgoing…in certain situations. But I realized in my 30′s that I am an introvert. Reading this really helped me understand myself. Too bad the rest of the family doesn’t get me.

  • http://thinkinggrounds.blogspot.com/ Christian H

    “I always self-identified as an extrovert because–in the words of my therapist–I enthuse. I am full of spirit. I thrive on human connection and relish relationships”

    Oh. Yeah, that’s not even close to the defintion of an extrovert. That’s being high-energy, expressive, maybe ADHD. That’s not extroversion. Extroversion is gaining energy from social activity: that’s it. There are no other components. Those things you list are things are facets of who are that are not part of your introversion or extroversion.(What I just said is not actually true. Very specifically speaking, extroversion means that your brain operates normally at low levels of arousal (which does not mean erotic arousal here, but something more like excitement or activity or wakefulness); in order to reach comfortable levels of arousal, you need more stimulus. Introversion means that your brain operates normally at higher levels of arousal; in order to reach comfortable levels of arousal, you need somewhat less stimulus than extroverts do. (Everyone starts lower than comfortable, though, so everyone needs some stimulus.) It is also easier for introverts to get too much stimulus, and get higher-than-comfortable levels of arousal, which is stressful. Extroverts can get too much stimulus too, but it takes a lot to get there. It’s a spectrum, and of course some things are more stimulating to some people than to others due to desensitization. For some reason, likely due to the use of introversion/extroversion in the Myers-Briggs typing, people now think of it as only applying to social situations. It doesn’t. It refers to all kinds of stimulation–sweetness, adreneline, alcohol, sex, velocity, noise, spiciness, light… But none of this is especially good psychology. It’s a little bit better than Myers-Briggs, but it’s still not much better than lay-psychology these days.)

  • http://faithandfood.morizot.net/ Scott Morizot

    That is the key distinction. I have no problem leading groups — even highly technical groups at work (which can be like herding cats). I build contacts and tend to facilitate communication. Public speaking has never bothered me. At no point in my life have I suffered from “stage fright”. I also some limited talent as an actor. Acting, where unlike public speaking you put yourself into your character and try to connect with the emotions of the audience, though, does exhaust me. I always end a performance drained, whereas my actor/stunt coordinator/fight coordinator brother leaves those experiences super-charged with energy.

    So I’m a highly verbal and expressive introvert. I’ve pretty much always known that. I have some talents in leading and coordinating people in areas where I am technically proficient, but I wouldn’t say I have particularly strong social skills. In purely social situations, I tend to lean toward being the wallflower.

    My youngest daughter is an extremely social introvert. She loves interacting with people and friends and is very good at it, but after a certain period of time she needs to recharge. She loves sleepovers, but there have been times when she’s asked us to declare it over and tell people they have to go (so we get the “blame”) because she’s just worn out and can’t be social anymore.

    So yes, being an introvert does not mean that you necessarily lack social skills or that you can’t handle public speaking or group dynamics and interaction. It’s about when you expend energy and when you gain energy. An extrovert will lose energy, become uncomfortable, and suffer if they are deprived of social interaction for an extended period of time. An introvert cherishes those times and would suffer without them.

    And yes, most writers tend to be introverts. Writing is a highly introverted endeavour.

  • Molly

    You might like The Highly Sensitive Person.

    I identify with almost everything you say here. I’ve often described myself as an “extroverted introvert.” People and making connections between people are my *thing*–love it. AND, I absolutely MUST be alone more often than not in order to recharge and feel like a human again. I like people, but it is being by myself that boosts me back up again. I feel drained, ragged, exhausted, stressed, and on edge after too much people contact. Like another commenter mentioned, it isn’t that extroverts are the ones who “like people” or have good social skills, it is about what fuels them/gives them energy. I’m a college professor–I have NO trouble speaking in front of a class. I also lead/facilitate support groups and I’m a big talker–very friendly and sociable. I’m also totally an introvert. I realized

    • Molly

      The comment form stalled out while I was still trying to type! Anyway, I realized a while ago that I need one day at home to recover from each day away. I’m certainly glad I don’t work full time out of the home (I teach online as well as teaching in-seat, but the outside teaching is only one night per week). I’m also interested on introverts experiences as parents? I feel like I also need to be alone without my kids in order to regain my equilibrium/sense of self. So, while my kids are not extroverts and while they don’t drain me in the same way that out-of-the-home contact does, they still leave me feeling depleted and overdone and it isn’t until they’re at the grandparents or sleeping that I feel “restored” to wholeness again. It is difficult and I end up feeling guilty for feeling this way, but I also know it is how I work!

  • http://www.facebook.com/becky.rogers.wiren Becky Rogers Wiren

    It’s hard when we think we know ourselves and then our knowledge is changed. But, it seems to me you DO know yourself, that just a label may have changed. You know you like people and are enthusiastic with them, but need quiet, me time a lot. I too enjoy people and care about them, but I’m not a party person. I prefer one on one relationships.  Some of it may be my health (I have fibro). Whether you are an extrovert OR an introvert with excellent people skills doesn’t change who you really, truly are. God bless.

  • kp

    I am EXACTLY like you- An ENFP who needs a recharge after socializing.  When I look at the scores from the test, it’s like 49 introvert an 51 extrovert.  And, like another of your commenters, if I’m off balance, I get fussy.   It’s not easy to balance either and it’s taken me years to figure it out.  Self-knowledge is powerful- so glad you realized this.  And, I’m so glad you blogged about it.   I don’t feel so alone…you rock EE!!

  • Heather Kopp

    Love this, Elizabeth. You are me. I am you. It’s almost creepy. I had this same revelation a few years back. People who know me socially are still prone to argue with me. “But you’re so friendly!” And it’s true that I love my friends, but I also have this secret thing where a day with no people in it makes me Blissful. Keep up the great work. Wait. That sounds awful. I hate when people say that. Do I hafta? That sounds hard. So don’t keep up the great work, just keep being you. Hugs, Heather

  • Claire

    I definitely feel like an extroverted introvert.  I have never been able to fit myself into any category when it comes to personality tests, things like “love languages”, etc.  My categories always overlap too much for any of those systems.

  • Jamie

    Also, HSPs tend to test as introverts, because the outside world is so much more stimulating for us. And as you would imagine, unresponsive parenting or childhood wounding creates more issues for HSPs, but not things that can’t be healed. But I feel like because my sensitivity wasn’t addressed with gentleness in childhood, the normal stressful experiences of adulthood have been SUPER overwhelming for me and sent me into emotional tailspins and dark depressions. But I have learned so much from the resources from Dr. Aron, especially as it relates to my marriage with my very NOT highly sensitive husband.

  • Falfie4

    Welcome to the club!  It’s really not so bad.  It’s actually kind of liberating once you really understand what it means (i.e. not socially awkward)  :)

    I remember one of my professors in seminary (counseling program) saying that the liturgical denominations tend to attract more introverts while evangelical denominations tend to attract more extroverts.  Makes sense, then, that you have found a home in the Catholic church.  

  • Steve

    It helps to realize that the categories run on a continuum or gamut that does have pure concentrations but also areas that blend and are not so defined. I’m extremely introverted but come across as extroverted in some situations because I can draw the energy to respond a certain way, but it drains me to do so. Meanwhile, I have friends who are introverts that don’t need to be alone and are
    very social, yet you can see them processing their thoughts before they
    give a response. My wife’s twin sister has the same personality make up as I do (INFP,
    although I can float into J territory) and she would prefer to be around
    people. She can find those moments to recharge while in a group.

    My wife, a very extroverted ENFP, has found that she occasionally needs
    down time. If she is around people non-stop for weeks on end, she gets
    burned out. So it’s not like extroverts can sustain themselves with
    purely social interaction. Everyone needs a dose of the opposite to stay
    balanced.

    It could be possible for extroverts to trend more introvert as they age.
    My counselor (also an INFP married to an ENFP) theorized that
    extroverts can become more introverted with age, but that introverts do
    not become extroverted with age. I had breakfast with three ENFPs this
    morning and two of them, both women in their 40s, said they feel like
    they are becoming more introverted with age.

    When determining introversion/extroversion it helps more to think of
    the thought-processing and energy development/sustaining side of the
    personality trait than whether or not you like being around people. I can imagine that someone could be an extrovert, yet display very anti-social behavior. Imagine someone who draws their energy from arguing with others or from antagonizing their peer. In other words, the cast of MTV’s Jersey Shore.

  • Grandmother

    Oh, I love thinking of you as an introvert now! It fits with the rich, inner life you have and the way you bring that to your writing :-)

     I am currently reading Susannah Conway’s, this i know. As a fellow introvert who is doing my own grief work and unravelling as she speaks of in this book, I  highly recommend it. I discovered it thru Brene Brown’s website – I think I heard her refer to herself as an introvert, if I’m not mistaken? And Susan Cain’s TED talk on introverts is really good, as others have already said.

    I like SMALL social events the best – better yet, lunch with a friend. Family things, yes! Time with my kids and granddaughters. But truth to tell … I NEED NEED NEED spacious times in between to recharge (or do whatever it is that introverts do then – process, isn’t that it?!). I love what Rachel Held Evans jokingly said about introverts (she is one) in a comment on her blog recently… something about introverts getting LOTS of mileage out of the smallest of events in terms of finding things to write about. That is so true for me. I know that I need to be with people and “do stuff” and be vulnerable and all those good things. But what really energizes me is those times I am alone afterwards when I have the time to think about it and process and write.

    Here’s to many more years of self-discovery for you! I so enjoy listening in to your reflections.

  • Janis

    Yes! This is definitely me.

  • http://www.cloudydaywriting.com/ cloudydaywriting

    haha. . .I have so many people who tell me what an outgoing people person I am, and I look at them like they have 3 ears. I am a total introvert, and I have a huge difficulty opening up to anyone who is actually going to be in my life. But I can do small talk fantastically, and I’ve been told I have a great smile, and I refuse to hold back a laugh. But that’s at work. I hate going to parties. I wish we could always visit one one one. I need to hide in the closet and cry to recharge, not be around people. Being around people is a task I must be up to.

    Interestingly, I once heard that the majority of actors/esses are actually introverts, and one of the reasons they’re good at acting is that they’ve gotten so used to putting on societies accepted fronts that don’t really fit them. I could totally give a public presentation way before I could make a new friend. Isn’t that sad? I’d rather be able to make the friends

  • Purplemomof3

    I have gained alot from reading this thread.  It makes me realize I have a lot more to learn to understand my own introversion.  The links and the books look very good.  Oh yes, it looks like I am a highly sensitive person. Raising 3 kids seems heroic for me.  Instead of medication I really think I just need a couple hours of quiet a day when I was battling post partum depression.  I guess I know what happens when you take a highly sensitive person, sleep deprive them and give them no quiet time…insanity!!

  • Nina

    Me too, baby, word for word.  It’s called being a “Melancholic”.  Research the Four Temperaments.  The books by Florence Littauer are the best, I think.  But there is a Catholic one, too, by Art and Laraine Bennett, the Temperament God gave you.

  • http://www.facebook.com/klitchford Kim Litchford

    I’m an introvert and like you, have excellent social skills. I can handle an occasional prompt get together or social event, but in general I hate them. Being social exhausts me.  It takes me days to recover and regain my energy, creativity and mojo. Many people don’t know this about me. For some reason when I’m around people it drains every bit of my energy out of me. Afterwards I’m like a battery that has to be recharged. Glad to know that I’m not the only one in the world with this problem!

  • Jessica B

    Are you sure you are not an extrovert? ENFPs are sort of the perfect introvert/extrovert hybrid and you sound like a classic ENFP. For as much fun and excitement social situations are, ENFPs need an equal amount of down time to process. It is not unusual for an ENFP to need to hide away for a while…you just seem to be more in tune to that side of your personality than I was until more recently.

    If you like, I can send you an email with some of the resources that have helped me. I still say from all your posts that you sound like a classic ENFP :-)

  • Stephanie

    Quiet by Susan Cain… The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking…