God in my running

Posted on August 30, 2012 by elizabeth

Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care, I can go to hell…

If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me.

–W. H. Auden

I’ve felt nearly dead all summer, felled by that final blow of religious disillusionment. And I’ve watched with strange detachment how quickly things fall apart. You spend hours cleaning a house and in five minutes, the children easily destroy it. That’s how my faith feels right now. Shattered in five minutes flat.

A few weeks ago I stood at the top of a cliff and looked out over the expansive ocean. I asked God why He bothered making my personality if all I was going to do was struggle with it for my entire life?

I wasn’t expecting an answer, I just felt like asking why. Why did He make me this way? Why does every single thing in my life feel like a life-or-death struggle? Why must I feel so deeply? I would have preferred one of those more laid-back personalities, the kind that doesn’t go around feeling all the damn time.

I told God I was sick sick of being sensitive. (People have been telling me my whole life that I need to “grow thicker skin”–what the hell does that mean, anyway? And also, precisely HOW does one go about growing thicker skin?)

God didn’t answer me. No surprise there. It’s pretty much been silence, silence and more silence where God is concerned.

And I’ll admit, I’ve wallowed a bit.

But I kept doing three things: 1.) writing and, 2.) running and, 3.) loving my babies.

There is a slow, quiet resurrection coming—I can feel it. I don’t know how or when it will come, but my soul aches like a bad knee before a storm which only means one thing: deliverance is on its way.

So, I keep lacing up my running shoes. I run through the early morning darkness and I look at the stars. They brightly shine regardless of whether my life is falling apart. In some strange way, this gives me comfort.

And I feel the quiet resurrection every time I write. When I bleed out words, the pain eases back a bit.

I went to Mass last week and I tasted Jesus on my tongue. He forgave me and I forgave myself.

I lace up my running shoes and afterwards, I feel a high that surpasses religious ecstasy. This running, it is a gift and I marvel.

Yes, I’m walking through the valley of shadow but at night I can see the little stars through my window.

I am being saved by little things: my twins running through grass, orange flowers planted near a gas station, a funny little woman under an umbrella, birds singing outside my window.

…”here by a smiling look, there by a kindly word; always doing the smallest things right and doing all for love.” –St. Therese of “The Little Way”

I cling to this Little Way and I run. I run, I run, I run.

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  • http://www.quietanthem.com/ Renee Ronika Klug

    Yes, and again, yes. There is love there, and I think you’re somehow getting it.

  • Colette

    I’m so glad to call you friend!!! Now let’s run, girlfriend!!!

  • http://www.JanetOberholtzer.com Janet Oberholtzer

    I so get this!
    Running has been keeping my body balanced, my mind sane and my soul satisfied for years… especially the last few years as I’ve gone through major spiritual changes.

    Run on!

  • Anonymous

    It sounds like your heart is being prepared while you are being strengthened to hear it. Looking forward to hear what He tells you.

  • Patricia

    Yeah, it feels pretty crappy to have people tell you things like “you’re too sensitive” and “you need to grow thicker skin.” I heard that stuff growing up, too. And, in my 30s, I realized that such comments, though well-intentioned, really cut to the core of who I am. Painful stuff. I wish I could share what worked for me…but I’m still working that part out!
    “God didn’t answer me. No surprise there. It’s pretty much been silence, silence and more silence where God is concerned.” You know, the image that came to mind first was God sitting there, listening, accepting your feelings, appreciating your sensitivity, confident that you would keep writing and keep running and keep loving your babies and keep coming back to Him. I don’t know if I’m right…just a thought.

  • Ali

    Dear Elizabeth,
    I think part of life’s lesson is to learn about just keep on keeping on. You’re learning it, and in a balanced way. It’s almost like we need the mundane (the white shod food hitting the black road over and over and over) to appreciate the spice when it comes. Too constantly spicey, and we lose the joy that we should have.

    I think you’re doing well. There is a time for everything – and the main thing I see is a clever, loving lady doing her best, and keeping up looking after herself and others, even though things appear grey. Big joys will come – and you have the fitness to sustain you through them! (body fitness somehow sustains our souls and sadnesses and wonderings so much better…)

    I think you’re just great, I really do. Stay you, stay fit, stay family, stay loving (of self and family). You’ll see.

    Virtual hugs from across the world,
    Ali in Switzerland.

  • Kelly

    I read this post, the one you linked to and the one before that. There’s a clear theme that you’re searching for a place to belong to, and I feel like God is reminding you that home is not here or in a church but with God and in heaven. We are sojourners and aliens in a foreign country. I can also relate to being disillusioned about church, which makes me
    really think about not trying so hard to fit in with another church. I know it doesn’t make life easier; I feel alienated. I can also relate to your feelings about how people want to change who you are, and it’s grieving when you feel like there’s something wrong with how you were made. It further reinforces the fact that we don’t belong in this broken world. We should all the more long for His Return. I hope this might encourage you.

  • Nancy

    I thought, reading this, “I wonder if God made EE this way precisely because the world needs her.” This numbed-out, Christ-rejecting, false-hood believing world needs more people who feel deeply, live out the kind of love Christ demonstrated, and speak the truth. It is not easy to always swim against the tide, though . . . thus the fatigue and people who are numb telling you to grow a thicker skin. But then I remember those extravagant, unnecessary tears Jesus shed for Lazarus — when He knew Lazarus wasn’t going to remain in the grave. And I think, probably, certainly, feeling deeply is just fine by Him.
    Keep on talking to God, and being the person He created you to be!
    Nancy

    • Anonymous

      This comment brightened my day. Thank you so much.

  • http://GrittyGrace.com Martha Brady

    EEsther, do you really think you would be such a good writer if you had a “thick skin”, if you weren’t so sensitive? it is difficult, but we have to take the good with the bad. you, like David, are sensitive, you write.
    one day you will say, “i’m glad i struggled so much. i’m beginning to know and love GOD.” it will be good.
    just think about jacob. i recently read that passage about him where he struggled all nite with the angel of the Lord and b/f they separated, J. said he wanted to be blessed. that was when his hip socket was touched and i think he limped for the rest of his life! But he was changed from Jacob to Israel. it is an amazing passage!

  • http://www.mamabean.ca Mama Bean

    Have you read Naked Spirituality by Brian McLaren? (Sorry if you’ve already received this suggestion…) When I read about your story, I think about that book, and I want to comment using its language, but it won’t make sense if you haven’t read it. Anyway, I love you, and your story. And I hope something comes out of the silence for you. I love your running.

    • Anonymous

      No, I haven’t read that! Thank you for the suggestion.

  • Melissa

    I love this – ”
    I would have preferred one of those more laid-back personalities, the kind that doesn’t go around feeling all the damn time.”

    I think I have actually said something like this before. Thanks for sharing, as usual. <3