Cult-proofing your kids

Posted on October 5, 2012 by elizabeth

Why are people attracted to cults? Usually because the cult offers a strong sense of:

  1. Meaning.
  2. Purpose.
  3. Community.

The meaning is derived from shared beliefs and values. The purpose is derived from a sense of noble calling; ie. the world needs to be saved. The community is derived from everyone working together, united by meaning and purpose.

There is a seductive gravitational pull into a cult environment. Whether you are an impressionable, college freshman from a broken family or a drug addict trying to stay sober, being “love-bombed” by a crowd of enthusiastic young people is damn near irresistible. You don’t even see the red-flags because you’re so blinded by the promise of a New Life! With all these cool people!

In the early days of my childhood cult, I’ve been told that our church was thriving, transparent, authentic and enthusiastic. I was born a few years later, right around the time our church was becoming more organized and systematized.

Which is to say, right around the time MONEY started coming in.

Now that I’ve been out of the cult for ten years, I often think about how I can prevent my own kids from falling prey to the seductive promise of a cult–or even just a controlling relationship.

Here are some ideas:

  1. Build strong family ties. Many of the adult converts to our church came from broken families. In my experience, it wasn’t really about whether divorce happened but whether the parents stayed involved with their children. Children who were neglected, moved around or who had alcoholic parents were prime bait for our church. Our church became their new family.
  2. Provide a solid religious education. I’ve heard parents say prefer to let their children “choose” their own religion. Or, worse, maybe they provide only a mediocre exposure to faith. I think both tactics are equally dangerous and increase a child’s chances of falling prey to a cult-like group. Our cult had a bunch of poorly catechized ex-Catholic as well as zealous converts who came from non-religious homes. What was the common denominator? Parents who neglected giving their children a strong faith identity.
  3. Teach critical thinking skills. Strong, independent thinkers never lasted long in our cult. It’s important to encourage questioning, conversation and research. Critical thinking isn’t about arguing a point just to be RIGHT. It’s about listening, weighing what the other person is saying and then doing your own homework to see if what they’re saying is true.

Christian fundamentalism isn’t the only cultish environment in America today. It’s everywhere from Little League to corporate board rooms. Everywhere you look, someone is trying to impinge on your freedom. Why is this? Because there are enough people who like group-think. People like formulas. It’s easier than thinking for yourself. Once you know the rules, all you have to do is perform according to your role.

Freedom is lonelier and harder.

The question you really have to ask yourself: is freedom worth it?

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  • Christian Vagabond

    Great post, Elizabeth. The common denominator in all cults is that they look for people hungry for a sense of purpose and belonging. They target depressed people, and adults with a broken home life are prime material. It’s also important to remember that no one believes they are members of a cult. Former cult members and doubters can have that objectivity, but there’s a myth people hold that they’re too smart for getting hooked into cult. And that, ironically, makes them more vulnerable.

  • Ami

    It sounds like cults are very similar to gangs. People join them to belong to something bigger than just their broken selves. Although, I’m thinking the gangs are a little more honest in their objectives. (Which is sad.)

  • Tara Seguin

    That is SO TRUE. The good thing is, while if you don’t have all three of those supports to keep you from finding the cult super-attractive, one or two of them could be enough to make you run for the hills. I was from a divorced family, but not neglected by either parent, and was constantly encouraged to think critically…so call it 1 & 1/2 of the three. When a cult came calling in university I was SO HAPPY! PURPOSE! UNITY! A WHOLE FAMILY! FINDING GOD CONCRETELY! But when the crazy times started, leaving was a no-brainer decision, even though it meant saying good-bye to over 50% of the people I loved. That was actually the only strong community I’ve ever been a part of, except as a child, in the community that children make amongst themselves. But no, it ain’t worth giving up God’s relationship in my life over to groupthink. Noooo wayyyyy. Plus, you’d never know it to look at me, but I’m way to ornery for a cult. :-)

    • M

      Plus, you’d never know it to look at me, but I’m way to ornery for a cult. :-)

      LoL, I’ve just come to realize something similar about me. Good to know I’m not completely alone. ;o)

  • http://theincorrigiblegingers.blogspot.com/ Rachel Strietzel

    Great post. I truly think that what most humans want most is “to know and be known.” Cults seem to provide for that need. Unfortunately, I don’t think we can completely protect our kids from, well, much of anything once they’re grown. But your suggestions seem like great ways to try. I wish I could guarantee that our family’s love and a sense of religious community would be enough to keep them safe, though.

  • M

    “Freedom is lonelier and harder.” It absolutely is, I agree.

    I was raised to be a critical, independent person and often wondered if it was worth it. After all, it seems so much cosier to belong to a group of people who give you a sense of community and hope. In hindsight, however, I’ve always valued my freedom and the price tag it comes with. I have a strong dislike for people who try to control my life, my thinking or my choices, and I am grateful to my parents for not always approving of my interests but for keeping a debate alive instead. They taught me to investigate the pros and cons of an idea or concept and although we didn’t always agree, I definitely learned to make an educated decision for myself.

    A family can (and at best should) be a strong foundation and so is a well-rounded education that is based on criticism as well as on individual truth and freedom of belief. My humble opinion.

  • http://exconvert.blogspot.com/ Kacy

    I like your suggestions on the whole, but I’d like to see #2 explained a bit more. By religious education, do you mean indoctrination, such that you would get in a home where the Bible or the Catholic Church is taught as absolutely true? Or do you mean expose your children to religions and get them to think about them in an academic way. I think the latter definition fits in well with #3. I can also see how one could teach her brand of faith to her children, while teaching the child to think critically about it, but then, why put #2 on the list at all? Why not just put number three, which seems more important than a particular religious education.

  • Anne

    It is also important to teach your kids about unhealthy churches. How would you know if your church is not well but can’t quite be defined as a cult? After leaving a parish we were at for a long time I see much better from the outside of it. It is very eye opening.