The story fights for me

Felt completely heartbroken last night. Just utterly torn up and wrecked. I’ve reached that point in the book where I feel like I simply can’t, can’t, can’t take another step. I want to quit. I want to raise the white flag of surrender.

I’m at 26,000 words. Halfway.

Every single day I’m re-entering the pain. I’m opening a vein and bleeding. I would like this to stop now.

I went for a long run this morning. I reached the point where I felt like I couldn’t go on. Each step hurt. Each breath. That’s when the inspiration hit me:

This is a test.

The Test is not that shitty things happen. That’s just the reality of life. The Test is not that life is unfair. It’s unfair for everyone.

The REAL TEST is whether I can remain open, vulnerable, tender and loving.

Or will I close up? Will I shut down? Will I grow hard and bitter? Will I wreak my own vengeance? Will I become cynical? Will I hate?

This is The Test and let me tell you, I am tempted. I am tempted to get angry. I am tempted to get cynical and hateful.

There’s nothing like reliving everything to remind you exactly how and why you got hurt. There’s nothing like re-entering the pain to remind you how people abused you and how you abused those who came after you.

I am tempted to lash out.

And I am also tempted to soldier through, push on, try harder, chin up.

I am tempted to SURVIVE.

But I’m not going to do that.

I’m doing everything differently this time.

I’ve let go of being a survivor. Now, I’m stretching myself out on the altar.

I’m choosing to stay open. I’m choosing to love. I’m choosing earnestness. I refuse to hate. I refuse to dishonor the story with sarcasm. I refuse to even editorialize.

I choose to simply tell the story and trust my readers. I trust you. It’s not my job to tell you how to feel.

I choose to lay myself on the altar and let the story tell the story.

I choose to stay soft, vulnerable, open. Yes, you can take a swipe at me. Yes, you can hit me. Yes, you can throw me away.

I will stay here. I will stay loving. I won’t let what happened to me turn me cynical or sarcastic.

I won’t fight back with arguments.

The story fights for me.

I choose love.

  • http://felicemifa.wordpress.com/ Margaret_at_FeliceMiFa

    Amen. On behalf of all of us who benefit from your eloquence and love, thank you.

  • Tara S

    That’s the test, indeedy. <3 <3

  • Amanda

    I want to give you an internet hug! I realize this is hard. I am in therapy now and I can barely function sometimes! This blog keeps me going sometimes. I know I am not alone. I know someone else has survived and is now allowing herself to thrive.

    Please stay strong.

  • Clare

    Thank you so much. I am going through a divorce and this is just what I needed to hear. You are amazing.

  • http://www.natashametzler.com/ Natasha Metzler

    yes. yes. This is the test… the one I miss so often. May we all learn to choose love.

  • Anonymous

    Right now, on this day, you are my hero. That is all. <3

  • Anonymous

    Good on you, and well done for finding a great attitude to go on with.

  • Naomi’s mom

    But my cynicism and sarcasm have kept me going! Is there more? How do you stand the pain of openness and vulnerability?

  • http://www.thechurchofnopeople.com Matt @ The Church of No People

    There’s the truth. Keep fighting, Elizabeth. I’m pulling for you. :)

  • Carmen

    EE,

    I am so honoured to read you, and I cannot wait for your story because even though our journeys are completely different, I truly believe it will minister to me, because you already have. And I know it will do so much good for others, too.

  • http://thechuppies.com/ Kara @ The Chuppies

    This really helped me better understand your current pain as you write and what’s hanging in the balance…especially the battle against retreating to a place of numb survival. Praying for you…and that He’ll continue to give you the strength you need to risk vulnerability…to trust that as you give away your heart through words…there is strength and hope and redemption in allowing His light & love to illuminate the shadows. Hang in the EE…

  • Lucie

    Inspired by you as always.

  • Aprille

    This post brought tears to my eyes. You are amazing and God is going to do amazing things through your work.