Kicking up from the deep dive

Posted on January 22, 2013 by elizabeth

I’ve turned a corner in the book. I’m at 47,124 words. I’ve been down in this deep, dark place for almost three months. But now I’m kicking back up to the light. I can see it. But I still have to swim. My lungs are burning. I want to be done, done, done. I want to stop reliving. I’m fighting the urge to take a shortcut, to push myself, to shove it through. Art refuses shoving. It refuses forcing. I know this. But I’m burned out and exhausted. I want to come back to my life. I want to surface! But I also want it to be beautiful and true. I want to make it beautiful for you. I want to honor you. I’m slowing myself down. I’m telling myself there is no rush, no need for panic. I’m telling myself to be human. I can see the last three scenes I will write. I can see the light. I’m kicking up from the deep. I’m reaching for the light. I’m almost there…..

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  • http://twitter.com/beautythrurain Jessica Ruhf

    You are so brave. Thank you for your courage and your commitment to finishing well. You inspire me. I hope, someday, I have the courage to tell my whole story.

    I also wanted to say that I can totally relate to the tension between wanting to surface and wanting truth. I repressed all memories of my abuse until recently, and I’m still in the deep, dark, and turbulent waters of discovering memories. I want to be done. I don’t see the point in recovering anything further–I don’t think there can be anything worse than what I’ve remembered, and I want to be done with the flashbacks and body memories. But in one of my more desperate conversations with God, early in this process, I heard him ask me to allow him to show me what happened to me so he can teach me that he is a true Father, not like my father, and I want that truth.

    Hmm. I seem to be rambling. I’ll go write on my own blog now. :-)

    In all seriousness, I hope you can see even a little bit of how inspiring you are to other survivors. You can do this, you’re nearly there. The light isn’t going to move away from you.

  • Jessica

    You can do it, EE, you can do it. You are brave, and beautiful, and loved.

    I’ll be praying for you. That you make it to the surface with strong, steady strokes, and no panic. Much love.

  • Aprille

    I am looking forward to reading your book so much!

  • http://cuppboard.blogspot.com Elizabeth Erazo

    I am so eager for your book. I learn so much from your blog snippets that I cannot wait to see what God teaches me through your book.

    Although in true feeler fashion, this post mostly made EXCITED THAT WE USE THE SAME PEN! WOOT