Love & Respect: is the book misogynistic? {a closer look at Introduction & Chapter 1}

Posted on January 4, 2013 by elizabeth

Several commenters suggested that since I haven’t read Love & Respect myself, I was basing my conclusions on an uninformed opinion. So, I went and bought the book. If I’m wrong about the book, I’m willing to admit that.

I read the Introduction and Chapter 1. I took notes. I checked my own Bible. The following quotes are taken from the Introduction and Chapter 1. Note: I’m reading the digital version on my Nook, so pagination may vary from the hard-copy.

From the Introduction:

This book is about how a wife can fulfill her need to be loved by giving her husband what he needs–respect. (pg. 11)

Trigger alert: this book is about WIVES and what THEY should be doing in order to receive love. The only way a wife can truly expect to receive love is by doing something; ie. giving her husband unconditional respect. Trigger alert: performance-based love.

The premise of the book is that a woman’s primary need is love and a man’s primary need is respect. Trigger alert: by defining primary needs so narrowly and also defining them as gender specific, the premise isn’t sound. Yes, I have a need for love. But I also have a need for respect.

When asked how he can be sure these are correct primary needs, the author answers:

First of all, my experience as a counselor and as a husband confirms this truth (pg. 25)

Trigger alert: HIS experience confirms it as true. Not just true for himself, but true for ALL.

Now, here are two quotes placed side by side. Can you spot the problem?

Please understand, however, that what I have to tell you is not a ‘magic bullet.’ (pg. 13) The Love & Respect connection is the key to any problem in a marriage. (pg. 23)

Trigger Alert: if it’s NOT a ‘magic bullet,’ how can it be The Key to ANY problem in a marriage?

The author gives several examples from his own marriage and quite honestly, it broke my heart. After forgetting his wife’s birthday and she calls him on it, he says:

My forgetfulness had been unloving….I felt judged, put down–and rightly so. At the time, I couldn’t describe my feelings with a word like ‘disrespected.’ (pg. 21)

Trigger alert: confronting a husband with his unloving behavior is disrespectful.

Lest we question his credentials, the author makes a point of telling us how long he’s been studying the Bible:

For more than twenty years I’ve had the privilege of studying the Bible thirty hours a week for my pulpit ministry. (pg. 22)

With all that studying, it’s surprising that the author would make an insupportable, Biblical claim about unconditional respect. Trigger alert: yes, Ephesians 5:33 says wives are to respect their husbands, but Eggerichs adds the ‘unconditional’ qualifier himself.

Referring to Ephesians 5:33, the author states his basis for the claim of unconditional respect:

Paul isn’t making suggestions; he is issuing commands from God Himself. In addition, the Greek word Paul uses for love in this verse is ‘agape,’ meaning unconditional love. And the wording of the rest of the passage strongly suggests that the husband should receive unconditional respect. (pg. 25)

Trigger alert: the wording of the rest of the passage DOES NOT strongly suggest “unconditional respect.” Eggerichs added that himself. Period. Go read the passage for yourself. It’s just not. there.

Eggerichs tries to substantiate this claim by referring to I Peter 3:1-2 where St. Peter says wives can win their husbands ‘without a word.’ Eggerich interprets this as support for unconditional respect:

Peter is definitely talking about unconditional respect…This is not about the husband deserving respect, it is about the wife being willing to treat her husband respectfully without conditions. (pg. 26)

Trigger alert: Agendized Biblical interpretation. Eggerichs has an agenda.

He doesn’t just want to prove that wives should respect their husbands, he wants to prove that they ought to respect them unconditionally.

There is simply no Biblical support for that claim.

So, yes. I can keep reading the book. Sure, I can keep annotating and checking Eggerichs’ claims. But quite honestly, I’ve been triggered enough for one day. I’ve read enough.

I know exactly HOW these kinds of teachings work themselves out in marriages. I’ve seen it. I’ve lived it. I have absolutely no desire to go back to it.

Case closed.

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http://www.carisadel.com/ Caris Adel

oh my. That’s one of those books that I haven’t read, that I’ve always felt like I should………..now you have me really curious. You make a lot of good points.
Deborah

A-freaking-men!
Rachel

Isn’t it somewhat emasculating to assume that marriage problems can be controlled completely by any one person in the marriage? Isn’t emasculating to assume that all unhappy marriages are solely the result of the wife?

To diagnose all marriage problems as the result of a very narrow and one sided issue makes no sense and is presumptuous.

Anonymous

Great point, Rachel. Thanks for this.
alwr

You forgot that it is emasculating that all these books and methods seem to assume that men are overgrown infants who can’t function without someone fawning over them 24/7.

jana

I think I can usually always learn something from the books I read even when I don’t agree with all of it.

Love and Respect was excellent. I have seen so many marriages changed because the wives actually started treating their husbands with respect instead of emasculating them. I think the author’s point is that change is possible in marriage even when one partner isn’t willing to get counseling. There is much hope in that.

I wonder if some of your prior life comes into play as you read this-maybe giving you a bit of a skewed take on it.

I am more in love with my husband now (and he shows me more love too) than ever and I don’t feel oppressed or taken advantage of at all. And he never read the book. A few small tweeks on my part made him feel more loved. That is beautiful not demeaning!

Anonymous

Of COURSE my prior experience comes into play when I read a book. That doesn’t mean my points are invalid or “skewed.” It just means I might have different insights into how women like myself have experienced this kind of teaching.

jana

I did’t mean to discount your experience at all. (hugs) I know you are helping many women in abusive situations and I would never tell a woman to respect her husband/church if it were an abusive situation. I’m so sorry to all of you that have had that experience, especially in the name of christianity. It makes my heart so sad.

http://www.adamshome.blogspot.com Erin Adams

Hey Jana! I hope it is okay to chime in here. I don’t think that Elizabeth against showing respect in marriage. Or course marriages will improve if a spouse starts showing respect to the other. But, the book is lop-sided and dangerous. I did not come from an abusive church/family. But, I have learned that there can be much more health & a broader love in relationship when we move outside of these gender heavy/limiting books. I want my husband to love & respect me, and my husband wants both from me.

Evelyn

“A few small tweeks on my part made him feel more loved. That is beautiful not demeaning!” Absolutely, and I’m glad this worked so well for you. There are useful tips in many books. But when a church hands this to an abused wife and tells her that “change is possible in marriage even when one partner isn’t willing to get counseling,” it’s a recipe for disaster. Unconditionally respecting a controlling man? NO. I love advice books; they give me lots of ideas to try. But I am very wary of books that offer a whole program as The Key, and the “biblical” way of doing things.

I would be very happy if books like these had some kind of a disclaimer in the front, explaining that they are meant to maybe help two healthy people who are just looking for ways to improve their marriage, and that where there is an abusive dynamic, professional help should be sought.
Rachel

I think a key here, as Elizabeth pointed out, is the word, “unconditional”. That word indicates that the other person does not have to behave in any way in a respect-worthy way. That word combined with the assertion that this is a key to all marriages is dangerous.

http://twitter.com/IsThisModest Is This Modest

I have to agree with Jana. It seems to me that one person’s trigger words are the exact words that another has to hear. When I read “unconditional” I don’t see pictures of people being abused, I see the idea that what the other person does has nothing to do with how I am supposed to react.

As a husband, I have to love my wife– regardless of whether she respects me. Just as Christ loved the church, regardless of the fact that we were enemies when He died, and we fail Him often.

The wife is to submit to the husband, and to respect him. One of the great things I’ve read recently about this is that it’s not submission if it’s imposed upon, but it’s only submission by choice– the choice of the wife.

A man should not be attempting to force his wife to submit, but she should choose to submit to his leadership.

Obviously there’s opportunity for abuse of these, and yet we are supposed to judge our lives based on how we behaved compared to His Word.

To come around back to the topic, we can choose to associate certain words and phrases and interpret them through EE’s experience, or we can choose to evaluate them in the context they were given.

When someone willingly admits that words like this evoke emotional reactions, my suspicions go up simply because that’s not necessarily the way the words were intended.

http://www.facebook.com/hannah.thomas.319 Hannah Thomas

The word respect today is throw around in ways it should not be. You add to that the word ‘unconditional’ to it and it gets worse. Human’s tend to not be capable of ‘unconditional’ love and respect no matter who they are. In my opinion only God can do that. Can we do the best we can? Sure. We owe the people in our lifes – not just our spouse – that effort. Jesus would wish this.

Anyone can be unloving, and if you take his one example about his reaction to being called on that behavior from his wife? The true feeling he had was ‘guilt’, and yet he labeled it disrespect. Being rebuked can be very uncomfortable – no doubt. Stating that discomfort is disrespect? That’s called immaturity.

In this example he seems to have expanded the definition of respect out of whack. His guilt was there for a reason, and it wasn’t his wife’s fault he was feeling it.

His premise maybe good, but his application needs some work.

Guest

I cannot over-emphasize how devastating it is to receive such a book, or such advice, from well-meaning Christian friends when they learn that your marriage is on rocky shores. I got very poor advice from BOTH my abusive church and my NAIVE sister who was in a healthy church (though in a dysfunctional marriage herself, but that is too long of a story to address here). I took it all to heart and worked for 14 years to just be a better wife so my husband would love me. When we began the separation process just before our 20 year anniversary, we had to face a very long and wide path of collateral damage, especially when we looked at our 4 children. The Lord subsequently redeemed our relationship and we got back together. In the 7 years since then we have had to UNLEARN a lot of “Christian”-sounding lies and discover the truth of grace, love and respect without the damaging lies that are part and parcel of this book and many others. Christian books that helped me were “Boundaries”, “Love is a Choice” , and others, especially anything about grace. We’ve also been helped by books and ideas that may not have been written by Christians but helped us get healthier and take responsibility for ourselves and our future.

Anonymous

I WANT TO FRAME THIS COMMENT AND HANG IT ON MY WALL. THANK YOU.
http://mattiechatham.wordpress.com/ Hännah

What other books helped you?

guest

Let me look through my books and get back to you; this is an important topic to me!

http://mattiechatham.wordpress.com/ Hännah

Thank you!

Aprille

Wow that’s such an amazing story! I’m so glad to hear that GRACE is what brought you back together. Not the dos and don’ts of books like these.
Ellie

I very much agree that a detailed discussion go healthy boundaries is missing from L&R. The Cloud and Townsend book is an excellent complement or stand-alone.

KatR

“I wonder if some of your prior life comes into play as you read this-maybe giving you a bit of a skewed take on it.” You know what you should do a blog post on, Elizabeth? THIS. If someone has been to Switzerland, I trust their viewpoint on Switzerland, but everyone can’t wait to tell abuse survivors that their perspective is somehow invalid.
jana

I was not in an abusive church or relationship. This book was not handed to me by anyone. I participated in a women’s bible study that went through this book. I saw a few marriages changed in radical ways from very small changes. Just sharing personal experience and what I saw. I think any book taken in a legalistic way can end end being destructive. But that doesn’t mean we should read and ponder on the advice of someone else Christian or otherwise. I just read a wonderful parenting book about Jewish parenting. I gained so much from it although I didn’t agree with all of it. I don’t believe that it meeds to be all or nothing when it comes to the Love and Respect book.

http://kansasbob.com Kansas Bob

Good thoughts Jana and Modest. I read the book and went through the video series with my wife. I thought it was helpful for us as it helped us talk about the stuff presented in the book. Even so, I do not think that books like this are meant to solve complex marital issues that are better suited for long term counseling.
Kristen Rosser

The problem with only taking the good out of the book and ignoring the rest, is that– well, the not-good stuff gets swept under the carpet or ignored. And that stuff can be poisonous.
Ellie

I agree with your comment about big payoffs from little changes. I was a critical wife, and my marriage benefitted hugely from applying the Crazy Cycle material in the first third of the book.

However, I found the Energizing Cycle counsel to husbands to be very patronizing. Pat the little woman on the head and let her emote. That’s what a husband’s love is. Nowhere, in any of the six chapters of advice to husbands, is a husband told to consider what his wife has to say before making a decision. Nowhere are husbands encouraged to pitch in at home when the kids are small or the wife has a job. I see the counsel in the middle of the book as radical fundamentalism.

http://www.adamshome.blogspot.com Erin Adams

Ellie, I find your comments interesting and insightful.

I feel this perspective of what it means to love your wife to be patronizing also.

While I do understand there are differences between people and the sexes, I think these descriptions are usually limiting to both parties. Women can be very critical of husbands, and men can be very neglectful of wives. And this is not right.

But would you not say that they idea that a man primarily wants respect is limiting for men? It tries to give a simple explanation for men and what they need/want.

I think books like this can do damage even on a very subtle level. We think after reading this stuff that we “get” the opposite sex. We neglect to actually learn about our particular spouse and let them teach us who they are. We think we know what they need and we can use the “knowledge” to take the easy route of doing the least amount necessary or use the “knowledge” to control the other.

It’s tricky. I see how studies of personalities and gender and types can aid us in understanding the one different from us. But, it is only a starting point.

Kristen Rosser

I have no doubt that if one partner in the marriage has not been treating the other with basic respect, and then begins to do so, it will improve the marriage– if the other partner is non-abusive. But just because this works in one scenario doesn’t mean it applies to all couples. And it certainly doesn’t PROVE the basic premise of the book that men need respect more than love, and women need love more than respect.
http://www.facebook.com/hannah.thomas.319 Hannah Thomas

What is the term he used towards men that didn’t show their wives unconditional love? Men are emasculated due to lack of respect, women are (fill in term) due to lack of love? Just curious.

Miranda

I’ll be honest, when I read yesterday’s post I was a little offended, thinking that this book was probably something helpful. However, your post today has really opened my eyes. I don’t think all parts of this book is bad. I do agree however with the points you made above, that many points in the book might not be completely biblical. I got this book as a wedding present and have yet to open it for some reason. Me and my hubby have a wonderful relationship. He tells me honestly when I’ve hurt him and I do the same. Works for us.

Ellie

Miranda, I would encourage you to read the book. Lots of people have benefitted, and I’m one of them. Just read the book with knowledge of its limitations from this and other reviews!

C.

I watched the video series with my husband. I felt weird asking “am I coming across as disrespectful to you?” I just attributed it to my strong feminist beliefs tho & kept trying to be more respectful. Thank you for articulating the icky feelings I didn’t understand. I believe MANY people will be able to read the Love & Respect books & watch the videos without abusing this “system” but unfortunately so many others use the premise of this book TO ABUSE & belittle women. Thank you for your views. Even if a person finds L&R to be helpful, they should always be careful to not lose themselves in pleasing their spouse or being a martyr for the cause.
MamaPsalmist

I’ve done the videos. Once we got to the one where Eggerichs tells women to have sex with their husbands (even when they don’t want to) because then their husbands will respond more emotionally, I started to lose it. There is a word for having sex with someone who does not want to have sex with you. It is called rape. It is not ok. The idea that men should only respond to their wives’ needs after sex is outrageous – and completely contradictory to anything Jesus said in every Bible I’ve seen. The idea that women should use sex to manipulate their husbands into being better people is twisted too.

The whole thing was tremendously sad.

Anonymous

This is the kind of stuff that breaks my heart. Thanks for bravely sharing with us, Mama Psalmist.

MamaPsalmist

Regardless of how a man may feel in a marriage, Jesus tells him to love his wife. LOVE her. Which means he should be bending over backwards to meet her needs.

Regardless of how a woman may feel in a marriage, Jesus tells her to love her husband. LOVE her. Which means she should be bending over backwards to meet his needs.

Once one party is abusive, either party, outside intervention is needed. Neither love nor respect is enough to change ingrained habits and abuse.

But in most marriages, the problems aren’t abusive. And to all people, Jesus commanded us to love. Jesus didn’t say some of you should love and some should show respect. He said everyone is held to a very high standard of loving one another. Why can’t Eggerichs teach from that?
Anonymous

“Yes, I have a need for love. But I also have a need for respect.”

Yes! I’ve been saying this since my husband and I went through this study at church. Two couples decided to get divorced after this study because their marriage did not reflect this mandate, and they felt it never could! I want love and respect, and damn it, my husband does to!
ARM

Just wanted to say I’m so happy you’re posting regularly again. Also, maybe it’s just me, but it seems like when you were posting rarely, your voice was different. Now that you’re back it’s like . . . you’re back. Which is nice – thanks!

Anonymous

Here’s the weird thing: I thought by posting LESS I’d ‘help’ my writing voice. NOT TRUE. It totally languished. I completely lost my touch. For me, writing every day and blogging publicly is HUGELY important for the development of my voice. Thank you so much for this! I’ve missed you, TOO!

Aprille

I agree too! It’s glad to have you back!

Kelly

Liz, thank you for posting this. It was because of theories like this that I received some of the most dysfunctional, hurtful, damaging, condemning, and in my case, dangerous marital advice from “church leaders”. I was in a physically, emotionally and mentally abusive marriage, and was literally asked, “Yes, but were you always nice to him?” I also have a heart condition that made the physical abuse life threatening. Not once was I encouraged to call the police, or was my husband told that his actions were criminal, and not once (although I longed for it) did any of my christian “brothers” stand up for me, or warn my husband that if he attacked me again, he’d have to deal with them. Instead, the insanity of unconditional respect kept coming up. This stuff is dangerous. We, as the church, have to start using our heads, knowing our God, letting Jesus speak through us rather than making crap up and spreading it as truth. Seriously.

Anonymous

You’re welcome. You’re the reason why I keep doing this. You’re not the only one. I’m not the only one. We are not alone. I’ll keep speaking up–even though I’m taking quite a bit of heat for this. Good grief.

http://www.adamshome.blogspot.com Erin Adams

I agree with ALL of this, except I don’t think it is misogyny. I think it is bad for men and women both. Not just bad for women.

Have you read His Needs, Her Needs? The performance based marriage set up in that book drove me so batty. I was glued to the book, like a horror film.

Love and Respect has very similar issues.

I really want to ask these sort of guys, do you really not care if your wife loves you or not? What?!!
Love and respect should both be mutual.

Anonymous

good corrective, Erin. Thanks. Honestly, one of the MAJOR things that turned my marriage around was MUTUAL HONOR.

MamaPsalmist

Surprise, surprise! It’s like maybe God was on to something with Ephesians 5:21 “Submit to ONE ANOTHER out of reverence for Christ.” Emphasis mine.

Aprille

Wow…just wow. Thanks for this comment. Back in May of 2012 I had a huge realization that both in my relationship with my husband and my relationship with God, I was functioning in a performance-based way. I had a huge fight with my husband and felt horrible because I didn’t “do” something that he had asked. I went on and on about how horrible a wife I was because I didn’t meet his needs. (His Needs Her Needs was one of the books I read when we were engaged.) He told me over and over “I don’t care what you do, I LOVE YOU!” and it was like this brick wall that I couldn’t get beyond and I just kept trying to “do” things to win his love.

Later on that morning we attended our IFB church and sang a “great baptist song” about how the longer we serve God the sweeter he grows. I was stunned when I found myself singing the line “the more that I love Him, more love He bestows.”

I stopped and said to myself: “Aprille, that’s crap. It’s crap in your marriage and it’s crap with God. It’s just NOT TRUE.”

8 months later I have found myself in a place of freedom from legalism but it still crops up in my marriage and my relationship with God from time to time. Your comment just reminded me of the truth I know. Performance-based relationships are not what God intended.

herewegokids

Now I’m curious…what church setting are you currently in? (I grew up IFB myself)

Aprille

We started attending a non-denominational community church it’s just called “christian” about 2 months ago.

http://www.adamshome.blogspot.com Erin Adams

I get this struggle, Aprille! I’ve struggled very similarly. Thanks for sharing!
I thought the book, “Just How Married do You Want to Be?” was immensely helpful. The subtitle is practicing oneness in marriage. Oneness is something to strive for more and more each day, loving and being a student of the other. I think that this desire for oneness can make the co-dependent stuff look attractive or necessary But, there is a healthier way. This book has a chapter on expectations and does an awesome job with the issue – selfish expectations, healthy expectations and holy expectations.

Praise God for the freedom and grace and healing He gives!

Aprille

I’m going to have to look into that book!!!!

EMSoliDeoGloria

It’s a really helpful book and I benefited from it in the first year or so of marriage too.

http://cuppboard.blogspot.com Elizabeth Erazo

ok, der, just read this after posting my previous comment — sorry about that! I do appreciate you going through the trouble of purchasing and reading the book. I definitely think you bring some good points to the table, and, while I do still believe the book has some good aspects, I will be sure to more discerning concerning how – or IF – I would recommend it to others.

The church needs to better address domestic abuse, because there is no doubt we are failing when we take what should be generalized, loosely held advice (such as wives respect husbands, husbands love wives, etc) and turn them into no fail cure-alls in dangerous, abusive, and damaging marriages.

I am curious – many said that love should entail respect, thus it is stupid to separate them by saying women need love, men need respect. Do you think respect bundled with love, or are they separate? If you DO think they come together, do you think Christians are called to unconditionally love their spouses (and therefore respect them too)? I’m not sure what I think, but I’d like to hear your thoughts!

Anonymous

Those are good questions, Elizabeth. I’ll have to think about that! Thank you!

http://thechuppies.com/ Kara @ The Chuppies

Okay….
After yesterday’s post & my comment, I thought a lot about all this.

Why can’t you just stick with those running-towards-the-light-ENFP posts?

Still haven’t read the book…glanced through the first chapter yesterday after the discussion. Still stand by my initial comment about roles etc.

But, I do think “unconditional” is a problem here and I’d agree with you that when I stop and look at the verses…it’s just not there. I don’t think it’s biblical to blanket the love & respect verses with the “unconditional” label.

And actually…I’d don’t think “unconditional” is even the best term to sum up God’s love for us when I really pause and consider how far beyond and how much greater His love for His children really is.

In part, I think my desire to wrestle with “unconditional” is because of how overly-conditional love and respect often are in marriage– how quick most of us are to withdraw love based on disappointed expectations, even minor ones (and how that truly isn’t love as God designed it).

Same with respect…in many (maybe even most) marriages, respect (or treating someone with kindness, regard, not belittling, etc) is also quickly erased as the first hint of you-made-me-mad-and-I-don’t-like-your-conclusions-about-whatever.

On the whole, in ALL relationships we would probably all benefit from a lot more laying-down-of-self-and-looking-out-for-the-needs-of-others (which is really a meshing of love & respect).

But God allows for (and even commands) times in relationships when there is to be a break, a divide, a boundary drawn. It grieves Him, but He acknowledges scenarios that require a stand… and even a severing. And it’s dangerous not to acknowledge that in a book focused on relationships.

When it comes to respect (even just talking about the government)…for the most part, as a Christ-follower God tells me to show respect.

But we know that obeying God supersedes any and all scenarios. So, we know that conditions do apply in these areas…and in marriage as well. God’s plan isn’t for me to stay in an abusive relationship, nor is it to stay in a warped church that has turned away from from sharing His true story of rescue and love and redemption.

Love and respect…and forgiveness does not mean neglecting justice or negating consequences.

Anyway…you got me thinking.
Kate

From the quotes listed above (specifically the one where he feels disrespected because he forgot her birthday), I have to wonder what on earth Eggerich’s definition of “respect” is. In the long run, wouldn’t it be far more “respectful” of a wife to be honest about “unloving behavior” with her husband, so that he grows into a better, more Christ-like person (and vice versa, with husbands being honest with their wives)? Always letting bad behavior slide doesn’t exactly strike me as being particularly respectful–or loving.

http://www.adamshome.blogspot.com Erin Adams

Exactly! Dishonesty makes me feel quite disrespected. Like, “you can’t handle the truth.”
Ellie

Respect is operationally defined in the second third of the book, with the CHAIRS acronym – appreciate his desire to serve and lead, provide and protect, analyze and counsel, do activities together without always talking, and be sexually available.

As I remember the birthday example, his wife wanted to test whether he would remember her birthday without any prompts. So, she hid her birthday cards and presents from friends. She then blew up at him when he forgot, as opposed to calmly explaining hoe deeply she had been hurt. The takeaway is not that the wife was wrong to say something. The problem was how she expressed herself. I think that if you read this example, you wouldn’t have any problem with it.

http://www.adamshome.blogspot.com Erin Adams

This is a strange, and in part very concerning, definition of respect! Since is being sexually available a way to respect someone? Yikes!!
The sexual union should be an act of mutual love. I don’t see a direct link to respect…

http://www.facebook.com/people/Christy-Chomer-Karnatz/611216017 Christy Chomer Karnatz

One of the biggest parts of that book that raised my hackles was when he told the story about the couple where the man threw a dish in his wife’s face and she called the police, having him hauled off to the station. When Eggerich was recounting the story, he says, “There are many reasons I like this man’s story, but perhaps best of all is that the wife was the first one to contact us when she ordered our resources to learn more about unconditionally respecting her husband. In her email request, she said absolutely nothing about the abusive incident. There was not one hint of how she took a dish in the face and how he had to go to jail … What a woman!”
To me, this is one of the most dangerous sections of this book. Yes, this book has some merit, but that particular celebration of the woman keeping this to herself, quite frankly makes me sick to my stomach.

Abuse should never be mentioned as something that is kept quiet, because even if the author doesn’t intend for abuse to continue silently, it can definitely come across that way.

Anonymous

Oh.my.goodness. Yeah. Wow. Christy, can u email me exact page number and quote?

KatR

I googled the quote that Christy mentioned and found the book on Google. It didn’t list page numbers, but the story is in chapter 5. Yes, the husband realizes that he was wrong to throw a dish in his wife’s face, (!), but the fact that Eggerich thinks that keeping quiet about abuse is some admirable feminine quality moves this book from the “eye rolling” to “horrifying” category.

MamaPsalmist

I think it would admirable for her to not gossip about her husband’s past sins, particularly if the incident was years ago, and he’d undergone counseling, and had concrete plans in place to leave the situation should his temper start to flare, etc. Not gossiping is admirable. Hiding that her husband assaulted her? Not admirable. Heartbreaking. Eggerich praising her for it? Dangerous.

http://www.facebook.com/people/Christy-Chomer-Karnatz/611216017 Christy Chomer Karnatz

Not gossiping about our husband’s past sins is definitely admirable. I hold to that myself. But why Eggerich feels the need to even mention this in a chapter about women not wanting to feel like a doormat makes my hair stand on end. He might have been referring to her lack of gossiping, but in not clarifying it, he leaves a door open to the darkness of hidden abuse that can be repeated over and over again. Abuses victims most often make excuses for their loved ones. I know. I’ve been there. Never again will silence and pride in the ability to withstand abuse be part of my life.

Aprille

Wow…I guess I stopped reading before I got to that point…yikes!

http://twitter.com/Sariwrites Sari

For once, I would like to hear someone say to men…. “listen, even if you’re married to a disrespectful shrew, you must love her, serve her every day of your life. Romance her. Do the dishes. Take the kids. Listen to her. If she doesn’t want to have sex, understand how long her day has been and do not, under any circumstances, hold it against her. Take her to coffee and listen to her dreams, her thoughts, her concerns. Even if she makes fun of you, thinks your job is a joke and and wish you made more money… you MUST love her.” I’d love to hear this, not because there is anything healthy about it AT ALL…. but because, HELLO??? That’s what these books have been telling women for ages and we just smile and nod. And feel guilty for not putting out more. So thankful I married a man who, early in our marriage just looked at me like I’d lost my mind every time I tried to make our marriage all about him.

http://thereforeiambic.blogspot.com/ Elena Johnston

If I remember correctly, this book does say exactly that. I’m deeply troubled by a lot of things in this book, but one good thing about it is that it tells both husbands and wives to focus on meeting their spouses’ needs, whether they deserve it or not. Now, his assumptions about what those needs are, and how they’re different for men and women… that’s where the misogyny comes in.

Ellie

Elena, you’re right, the book does tell husbands they are to love their wives, regardless of the wife’s behavior. But, the definition of love is very narrow. It’s restricted to a few minutes a day of conversation in which the husband listens and empathizes. There is NOTHING about pitching in at home when she’s exhausted or romancing her. Rather, she is supposedly so energized by the conversational connection that she’ll happily do what her husband expects.

http://thereforeiambic.blogspot.com/ Elena Johnston

Huh, I hadn’t noticed that. I was too busy freaking out at the idea that wives don’t need to be respected to really pay much attention to the rest of how he defined love. Maybe I should go back and re-read the book. Or better yet, maybe not. =)

Anonymous

This is what God had done for us. Whether men or women, we are all the disrespectful shrews that do nothing for our ‘husband’, God. The whole book of Hosea pictured this. Our marriages and our lives should be all about God and no one else.

We all, ok I, want a list of things to do, to follow, and make everything good. Just do this step -by-step, and you’ll get to the prize, the goal. Isn’t that why all the secular magazines have questionaires – to figure out *something* so you know what to do. But, duh! That was the 10 commandments and how did that all work out ? I have to keep reminding myself that God does not work by a list. We are each individual and he works with us in an individual manner. Work through your marriage as you work through your relationship with God, as a unique person and your spouse is a unique person. A book will not be the answer. It may be A way, the not THE way.

http://www.facebook.com/hannah.thomas.319 Hannah Thomas

My forgetfulness had been unloving….I felt judged, put down–and rightly so. At the time, I couldn’t describe my feelings with a word like ‘disrespected.’ (pg. 21)

Having someone point out that you hurt them, and you feeling ashamed of yourself – isn’t disrespect. The forgetfulness was disrespectful, and he is was feeling the repercussions of wife’s opinion of his inaction. That’s part of life, and part of being rebuked. He can’t describe his feeling with disrespect, because that wasn’t present.

I felt bad when you pointed out your hurt by my unloving behavior (his words), thus you disrespected me due to me feeling bad about it. That’s called blame shifting, and he seems to have cut off his own ‘balls’ (per the article you posted before) because his big boys pants no longer fit. Seriously. Own your stuff, and deal with it like everyone else! He seems to be saying guilt is emasculating.
http://thereforeiambic.blogspot.com/ Elena Johnston

Respect can mean so many different things, and there’s definitely a sort of respect that’s unconditionally owed to every creature who bears the image of God.

(Incidentally, I get very angry about childrearing philosophies that systematically deny this type of respect to children, as well as marriage philosophies that deny this to women.)

But that unconditional respect is very different from admiration (which most men and women also crave, and which is unavoidably conditional), and it’s going to play out very differently under different conditions.

Dobson’s Love Must Be Tough is a much better exploration of what love and respect look like in seriously troubled relationships. (Hint: sometimes it looks like letting them suffer the consequences of their own sins, and not sheltering their egos anymore.)

I know that many people have been helped by the idea that men and women have different relational needs; however, not everyone fits Eggerichs’ gender stereotypes, and his scriptural arguments in support of these stereotypes are flimsy and eisogetical.

The truth is that different human beings have different relational needs: Chapman’s The Five Love Languages is much more helpful (and comprehensive) in that regard.
http://www.mymusingcorner.wordpress.com/ Lana

Bravo!!!!!!! I knew that book bothered me before I read it.
http://faithandfood.morizot.net/ Scott Morizot

Yes, this one sounds particularly egregious since it presents itself with the force of “God” behind its assertions. In truth, however, it strikes me as similar to all the other pop psychology approaches trying to fit human beings into overly simplified dichotomies. Mars/Venus. Spaghetti/Waffles. Love/Respect. Sigh.
Aprille

EE…I got to say when I first read yesterday’s post I was like “huh…I thought that was a great book!” I had heard about it for years and started a Bible study with a Sunday school group in 2011. But, my husband was deployed and about halfway through the study my heart just wasn’t into reading it and going through a marriage study without him. I still attended the classes (when I was actually in town and made it there on time), but didn’t read much beyond the first 2 or 3 chapters.

After reading yesterday’s post and this post, and some of the comments…I have to thank you. As I mentioned below, performance-based relationship (ie I have to “do” to be “loved”) has been such an engrained concept in my head that those pathways are deep. Rerouting them has been very difficult. I still struggle a lot with stopping myself when I’m trying to do to be loved. This post just further opened my eyes to how this concept got in my head in the first place. Not just with this book (because at the time I started reading it, I was rather high and mighty and felt like “oh I know all this already and practice it great in my marriage!!!”)…I’ve had this stuff taught to me my entire life.

Anyway, thanks for bringing up the fact that “unconditional” in regard to respect is not in that passage.

Posts like this is why I keep coming back to your blog. I don’t always agree with you, but you always make me think and question what I have been taught and view things from a different angle. In this case, I’m definitely seeing how what I’ve been taught isn’t exactly what’s in the Bible.
Naomi

Great analysis, EE. Even if Eggerich’s book has redeeming qualities (although I didn’t find any), two elements make the book profoundly irresponsible: 1) It has no disclaimer that if a person is in an abusive or unhappy relationship, they need help beyond what a mere book can delver and 2) the idea that love without respect is even a possibility. Respect is integral to love.

Ellie

Naomi, I think there is a redeeming feature to the book. It’s the Crazy Cycle. L&R introduced the evangelical world to the work of John Gottman, who finds that marriages are destroyed when there is criticism, contempt and stonewalling. And there are gender patterns in this bad behavior. Statistically, men are more likely to stonewall, and women are more likely to criticize.

Awol

EE, I agree with everything you said, and the comments here to that effect, also. Dangerous teachings or omissions (ie not making extremely clear disclaimers for those in abusive situations) make the book unreadable and unrecommendable in my experience. I don’t care how tiny the piece of dog poop in the brownie-I wouldn’t want to eat the brownie. But it isn’t just about ‘ew’, this stuff is actually dangerous. Several commented about an icky feeling reading the book, etc., and it sure pays to listen to ‘icky’ I have learned.

I recently read ‘What’s it like to be married to me…and other questions’ by Linda Dillow, and that book is just as dangerous for the same basic reasons. I am glad you broke down your reactions as you did because it shows people what it looks like process or think about what they read. Books and authors are not infallible just because they quote the bible.

I have lived this stuff and it is incredibly dangerous, all the more so because sometimes it is packaged subtly. Thanks and more thanks for exposing….keep doing so!
Anonymous

Very insightful, thanks.
Lucy

I read this book a number of years ago and reread it recently. It was funny, because I feel that my husband’s and my problems have come about partly because while he loves me deeply, he has a hard time respecting me and my job as a homemaker, and while I respect him a great deal and all he does for me and our family, I have a hard time feeling love for him. Guess we don’t quite fit into the mold. I’m still looking for a good resource to help us figure things out (married almost 13 years). Suggestions?
Evelyn

Here is a great comparison of how sometimes the same people who mock participation trophies for kids still hold with the idea that men should merit unconditional respect just for “showing up” as husbands: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/nolongerquivering/2013/01/unconditional-respect-participation-trophies/

Also good points in the comments about two levels of respect: the common courtesy that is given unconditionally, and a deeper respect which needs to be earned.
Andrea Mercer

I didn’t read all the comments, but I do want to thank you for this post. My husband and I read Love & Respect and it did some real damage to our otherwise happy marriage. We have since talked it out and are back to being all blissful, but we can’t get that time back and frankly, it hacks me off.
I do not suggest this book to my friends. Thank you for your post.
Damian P. Fedoryka

Excellent
post. Rest assured. I don’t need you to respect me. I am bound, however to
respect you. Unconditionally.

Respect
is in some “respects” like seeing, or hearing. You can’t see sounds or hear
colors. It is “relational”. In other words, it is what it is only when it
relates to an object of a specific sort. You can’t respect a need, just as you
can’t see a sound. In the latter case, you have to listen. In the case of “respect”
…. You have to “see,” or “regard.”

The culture would have us
civil. And civility demands that we respect not only persons but their
opinions, and if their opinions, then their behavior. And if behavior, then
their motives. The culture, in effect demands that we be indifferent to others.
Indifferent, because we are to disregard who and what “stands” – or falls –
behind opinions, behaviors and motives. In a judgmental age, these were taken
to reveal the person behind them. In the present age, they hide the person. Not
only from the perspective of the beholder but also form that of the “acting
agent.” So, the evolutionary age has it
that we have eyes “so as not to see.” It is blind to what “calls” for respect’ … but that is another thread.

Respect is a matter of
perspective, is it not? It is relational and therefore unconditional; not
relative and therefore always taken, never given.

Respectfully
yours

Damian
Paul

Love & Respect: is the book misogynistic? {a closer look at Introduction & Chapter 1}

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